will of the heart

[ivankiss]

The stars will fade, the sun will rise
But I'll remember you were my firelight

The lucky ones, we were born
We will not be here for long
Been waiting on a sign of life
An "everything is alright"

Gone with the sun
Voices as one
And in the moment we will carry that light on

This is for the ones who burned
So short and so bright
I have never been so sure
You're firelight

How could this all last
When we burn so brightly?
Friends, give me your hands
Raise your voices with me

How could this all last
When we burn so brightly?

We'll escape like spark and shadow
Knowing that the world will end
I will say, "The stars will fade
The sun will rise, but I'll remember you were my firelight"

This is for the ones who burned
So short and so bright
I have never been so sure
You're firelight

This is for the ones who burned
So short and so bright
I have never been so sure
You're firelight

How could this all last
When we burn so brightly?
Friends, give me your hands
Raise your voices with me

How could this all last
When we burn so brightly?
Friends, give me your hands
And remember with me

[ivankiss]

Made an appointment at the dentist. They'll be seeing me on July the 15th. Kinda thought it was going to be earlier, but oh well. Hopefully it will not take too long to get it all done. Can't wait to be through with it.

[ivankiss]

I think it's safe to say that I'm through with more than 50% of this transformation. It started on September last year, and really got deep on February. 

 

I'm feeling such a strong pull back to my former life and environment, but I know it's not time just yet. And there's no 'going back' really. It's all going to be different now.

 

These last three months are crucial. It's where all the work will become apparent. Visible and tangible. It's the cherry on the top of the cake - so to speak.

 

I know that counting days is not doing any good for me, and I'm not really counting, but man, I honestly can't wait to be through with this. Such a massive circle. So much done in such a short span of time. I really gave it my all. Can't wait to enjoy the fruits of the work.

Edited July 1, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

Took a little trip today and hooked up. The sex itself was perfect, I couldn't ask for more. But again, I'm left wanting more lol. It's clear to me that I need a girlfriend. These hook ups do not really fill my cup. Especially if I have to drive 100km to make it happen. But I guess I gotta be satisfied with this until I get my own apartment. 

 

All in all, a nice day off.

 

About to go back slowly. Skipping gym today, my muscles are still quite sore. Pushing harder from tomorrow on. Increasing my calorie intake too.

 

Edited July 2, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

I've been doubting the project that I've been working on for the past few months. I'm often pulled in different directions, thinking that I could create something that would be better. But no matter in which direction I go, I always do a full circle - so to speak - and end up right back here. This project is perfect as it is and it's a flawless reflection of this chapter. It's like a soundtrack for this period of my life. There's nothing that could suit it more. It's honest, it's real, it's unique and it's coming from the heart. It's not trying too hard, and neither does it hold back. Seems like just a perfect balance of everything I love. It's experimental and out of the box. Progressive. But not too avant garde and out there. And although I think that true art should not be created with another in mind, I'm sure many could relate to this project and enjoy its rhythms and melodies.

 

Maybe I'm also doubting a bit my ability to make it sound as good as it is written. It would be a shame if the quality of the sound did not match the quality of the material. I've been there before. It's not a nice feeling.

 

Still, I trust I will succeed in bringing the project to life. It might go super smooth, or it might be a bit challenging - I don't know yet. But I will give it my all. It's so very close now. In a sense, I've been waiting for this for years. And now I'm literally just a month away from it. What a journey...

 

 

[ivankiss]

Yesterday I smoked some CBD again, after a month or so. Less than 0.5g. I smoked for one reason only. And that is too mellow me out a bit so that I could avoid any performance anxiety before having sex. But I did not really like it. 

 

It made me even more anxious before I was able to calm down a bit. And then I was feeling kinda down and sleepy. I'm not sure if it's actually making me more anxious, or it's just making me aware of how anxious I already am, all the time. Either way, I'm not vibing with it too much. And even less with THC. That would be much, much more intense.

 

I used to love weed and it was a great aphrodisiac for me. I was always hard as a rock after smoking and could go on and on, no matter who my partner was. It also made me more sensitive. Sex felt better on weed, in some way. But there are other effects that I don't like about it anymore. So I think I'm done with it for good. Will see.

 

Every time I took a longer break, I needed at least a week or so to get used to the plant again. It would make me super anxious, uncomfortable and even panicky in the beginning. And then after some time it was great. But I had to keep smoking all the time.

 

Looks like it's either all or nothing when it comes to weed for me. I either smoke consistently, or I don't smoke at all.

 

Regarding performance anxiety, I'm sure I would not have any problems if I was having sex with a girlfriend. Someone that I'm close to and have a stronger emotional connection with. But when it comes to casual sex with girls that I barely know, it's a different story. When I'm alone home, masturbating, I also don't have any problems with staying rock hard. It's just when it comes to 'meaningless sex'. At least that's my observation so far.

 

Did not have problems with erection yesterday, but I was not in beast mode either lol. I was very hard, then a bit softer, then harder again. It was not a problem, the sex was great, but I know it can be much better.

 

I'm in my head a lot, I know that's part of the problem. More meditation and relaxation could be the answer. Or maybe I just have to stop having casual sex... Will see.

[ivankiss]

Gym progress... I'm already pretty satisfied with how my body looks. I want to look exactly the same, just a little bit bigger haha! I need a bit more mass, but I'm not aiming to become huge. 7 more kilos or so and I'm good. Body fat is ok, even if it remains like this. But not more.

 

Can't wait to see the results within three months. Might take photo or two in between.

 

Great workout. Back to job soon.

[ivankiss]

This is my goal - more or less. 

[ivankiss]

You are the owner, operator
You are the designated driver
The captain and the crew
The I, I see in you
This is your world and you its master

 

Brother
This is your dominion
When will you embrace and love your kingdom
(Your kingdom)

 

You are the self-made liberator
You are the heart-wave generator
From death into the new
The I, I see in you
You are the light accelerator

 

Brother
This is your dominion
When will you embrace and love your kingdom
(Your kingdom)

 

I am the self-made liberator
I am the alpha and omega

 

Brother
This is your dominion
When will you embrace and love your kingdom
(Your kingdom)

[ivankiss]

Signs of reversal on the chart, but I'm not comfortable buying just yet. I'd be trading against the trend. Better wait for more confirmation. Maybe the price continues to go lower. Will see tomorrow, not opening a position tonight.

[ivankiss]

Last night I dreamed that my mother has died. It was super painful. I remember screaming and crying out loud. Woke up in shock again. Needed a few minutes to calm down and fall back asleep.

 

Google says: Dreaming about your mother dying can represent a serious internal change, transformation, self-discovery and positive evolution in your life.

 

Again, not too big on what dreams mean, but this would make sense. Scared the crap out of me, had to google it lol.

 

Feeling good today. It's just that it's hot as hell. 36c. Crazy!

[ivankiss]

Important:

 

For most optimal state air should be 'located', and in a sense 'locked in' the upper abdominal area, just bellow the ribcage. Lower belly 'sucked in'.

 

When air is located in the lower abdominal area, it not only looks bad, it also causes contractions in the solar plexus and chest, tension in traps, neck and back, breathing difficulties and anxiety, emotional instability and lack of focus.

 

Do whatever you need to breathe your way through to the upper abdominals and stabilize there. Make it your center. Sigh, yell, stretch, etc. Do this every day before you start operating. It's quite literally an activation.

Edited July 4, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

You must dive in and feel the tension in order to breathe through and release it. It might take some effort. There is no way around it. Stop disconnecting. That's why you feel off.

 

Commit to serious, deliberate breathwork and stretching. Stop skipping it or half assing it. It will make a huge difference.

Edited July 4, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

Barely any movement on the chart today. Looks more like a slow reversal, kinda biased to buy, but not opening a position yet. 

 

I'd like things to move faster with trading, but there's not much I can do if there's no movement. I could only do something stupid by rushing into a trade.

 

Still waiting, observing. No move is a move too.

[ivankiss]

If or when I get rich, I'll buy myself a sexy classic like this. 

 

1976 Maserati Khamsin. Absolutely gorgeous car. I saw one recently on an exhibition in the city centre, it's breathtaking irl. 

 

I love classic cars. Much cooler than today's Lamborghini's and whatnot.

[ivankiss]

Massive fall on the chart, and I missed it. But at least I did not buy. That could've been much worse. If uncertain, rather let it slip than lose money. New opportunities will always come. I'm still green, that's what matters. Things are moving slowly, but I'm on the right track - I feel. Building a momentum is slowest in the very beginning.

 

Great workout in the gym today. Finally felt them lats and back more. Was able to target them real nice. 

 

Short rest, then back to work.

[ivankiss]

And another big move down that I did not act on. This one was super obvious though, I don't know what the hell held me back from selling. I was looking at the chart a lot, but did not act.

 

Was feeling kinda nervous and fed up today, that's probably the reason. 

 

Doubt I'll get another chance to enter the market this week after these two big moves. So yeah, this week pretty much flew by me. 

 

It is what it is.

[ivankiss]

Ok, so here's the deal. I'm getting my next paycheck on August the 1st. A pretty decent one. Tips are big too. I have an appointment at the dentist on July the 15th. That's only two weeks apart. I think I won't be doing a mistake if I buy a sick ass laptop tomorrow. It's an incredible machine and I found one at a very good price. Seems like a sign.

 

Let's close the gap and get things moving. My life will be such much more colourful once I start making music. I waited long enough.

[ivankiss]

I was so damn inspired and hyped by the idea of buying a new computer that I sat down and wrote new music for two hours straight. Things are flowing beautifully and effortlessly. It's obviously the right move.

 

This track will be a fun little introduction - let's say. Something to get me back out there. It's straight forward and not complicated to record. Literally just a guitar, bass and drums. 

 

The project I've been working on for the past few months is a bit more down the line when it comes to recording. It requires a lot more work, attention to detail and also a few more VSTs and whatnot - which will cost me quite a bit more money. So yeah, writing a brand new track for my first release after this long ass pause now. No vocals, instruments only. It should be done in no time.

 

I could easily sit here and write for a few more hours, but I gotta wake up for work tomorrow fresh. Don't want to mess up my sleeping schedule now.

 

Heck yeah! I've been missing them creative juices a lot. I love this shit so much.

 

Off to bed. It's Christmas tomorrow!

[ivankiss]

Position opened. Looks like the price is going to continue to go downhill for a while. Nice confirmations, entered in a consolidation phase. It's like a bus stop. Bit of a impulsive entry, but I think it's safe.

 

Might take till next week to take profit, big moves rarely happen towards the end of the week, but it's not impossible. Will see.

 

Daily ATR: 22