It's been a while since I received a hug

[Reena]

 

Yesterday I manifested a free Christmas cake. If you don't believe it, this is the picture. I couldn't afford it. But I got it for free with my law of attraction manifestation. 

 

This is the my first manifestation. 

 

Today I manifested money for breakfast. Guess what. The farm family I have been working for paid me for watering their farm. 

 

Yooohooooo. I'm too excited. I'm making some money despite my disability. 

 

I can't do a lot of mental work, it causes me anxiety and panic attacks so I found something I could do. And yoohoo. 

 

I got some money honey. I'm very excited. 

 

Law of attraction works. 

[Reena]

I got some money for the farm work so I am gonna eat a big fat breakfast for Christmas. Yay. At least I'm not sleeping hungry today.

[Reena]

Whatever money I had, it barely lasted a month. 

Now the grocery store near me has increased their food prices. 

 

Before I could afford getting groceries from them because they would have a 60% off coupon on all groceries. 

So it was manageable with my monthly expenses and whatever little money I had. 

 

Yesterday they suddenly reduced the coupon from 60% discount to 20%. So evil.. 

 

Now it's gonna be harder for me. I can't afford that anymore. Not that I could afford it anyway even at 60%. I was penny pinching somehow. 

 

Now I feel like I will have to abandon that store. But it gave decent food. Not low quality. 

 

Now I will have to look for low quality food options. 

 

When you got lots of money, it's easy to say go eat clean. 

Not for poor folks.. And you don't become magically rich. 

 

Food prices in my country are increasing like crazy. 

 

 

[Reena]

Whatever money I had, it barely lasted a month. 

Now the grocery store near me has increased their food prices. 

 

Before I could afford getting groceries from them because they would have a 60% off coupon on all groceries. 

So it was manageable with my monthly expenses and whatever little money I had. 

 

Yesterday they suddenly reduced the coupon from 60% discount to 20%. So evil.. 

 

Now it's gonna be harder for me. I can't afford that anymore. Not that I could afford it anyway even at 60%. I was penny pinching somehow. 

 

Now I feel like I will have to abandon that store. But it gave decent food. Not low quality. 

 

Now I will have to look for low quality food options. 

 

When you got lots of money, it's easy to say go eat clean. 

Not for poor folks.. And you don't become magically rich. 

 

Food prices in my country are increasing like crazy

 

 

[Reena]

The food insecurity has been bugging me a lot lately as prices continue to soar. 

Covid will make it worse in the next few months. 

 

I just have my own strength to rely on.

 

Some days I feel really weak.. Zero energy. Can't even get  out of bed. 

 

 

[Reena]

Some days I feel completely helpless. Like I won't ever be able to do anything at all. I feel weak, tired, miserable and without hope. 

 

My depression on those days is much worse. 

 

Some days are better. I feel like there will be hope some day.  My financial situation will get better, I will save more and then it won't be that bad. I'll still be able to live through thick and thin

 

 

I have fallen on hard times. I get it. 

 

 

But I keep telling myself it's gonna be okay.. 

 

One day it's gonna be okay. Life is testing me a bit brutally. 

 

 

But I have always been a fighter 

 

Keeping my hope alive.. 

 

 

[Reena]

The judgemental Masculine is a toxic Masculine. 

[Reena]

Days when I'm tired, frustrated, my mood fluctuates a lot 

 

[Reena]

I don't know why Indian women want to dye their hair it's obnoxious 

 

[Reena]

(trigger warning. Don't read if you are sensitive) 

 

Some day I might get sick of myself and put a gun to my head, I don't know. 

 

There are days I feel like I just can't do it. 

There is nothing to be positive about 

 

Life feels like an endless list of problems. 

 

And I keep pumping energy into it. And the energy goes down again. I guess this is the reality of mental illness. You feel like you are living on the edge. 

You feel like saving yourself but you can't 

 

 

 

I have abused myself tremendously in the past few weeks now. 

 

I don't know how to deal with self abuse. I feel like cutting myself. I constantly get depressive thoughts. Thoughts of helplessness. 

 

Like my life will not be good. I try to remain positive but then something happens and I completely lose my will to live life. 

It has been this way for years 

 

I kept begging my family that I desperately needed psychiatric assistance but they kept refusing me for years. 

 

Mental illness is very bad. It's like cancer. It eats you. 

 

You can kill yourself and not realize that you are actually killing yourself? 

 

This happened to me when I was on zoloft for depression. I felt like jumping off from my window several times. 

 

I had to discontinue that medication because it messed me up badly and made me suicidal. It also removed whatever little control I had over my emotions. 

 

Every day I'm like a ticking time bomb. 

I don't know if some day is my last day. 

 

 

I have deep anxieties. Then I tell myself - be strong. Be strong. Just hang on. Then another day.... It goes like that. 

 

 

[Reena]

To be able to live my life, I need to get a grip on my mental illness 

 

There must be some way at least. 

 

To feel less emotionally fragile. To not feel helpless all the time. 

 

 

 

Edited December 25, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

I've borderline personality disorder. 

 

Borderlines can self abuse a shit ton. And I have already done an awful lot of self harm and self abuse. I live like a drug addict. The food is my drug. Sometimes dangerous things are my drug. 

When I eat something I begin to feel better. 

Sometimes I cut myself. That makes me feel better temporarily. 

 

But then it's like a cycle. One day I feel better than next day it's withdrawal symptoms. 

 

I'm abusing food an awful lot. 

 

I eat. And then sometimes I want drink. 

 

 

I asked the psychiatrist if there is any hope for me. 

 

She said it's not too late and I can still do things. 

 

I feel like my heart has already taken a lot of self abuse. 

 

I couldn't put a lid over my emotions. 

 

Maybe I should first begin with the emotion of peace. 

 

Because when I'm agitated and rattled I feel like self harming again and it becomes a cycle 

 

 

Also I should stop posting anywhere on this forum as an emergency combat step. This forum has already done me immense harm. I mean immense. I felt deeply suicidal already because of being judged here. Then I had to barely balance somehow. 

 

People can say whatever they want. The biggest drawback of the internet. They especially give you a ginormous amount of unnecessary attention if you are woman. Your every word is read by people. It's nuts. A man will never receive this kind of attention. It's almost cruel how we constantly put a woman under the microscope or diminish her existence entirely if she doesn't like that attention. 

 

I'm getting used to being called a bitch whore slut etc. 

 

I have understood that there's gonna be in the heat in the kitchen because I'm a woman and because I'm a problematic woman who is not perfect according to society's standards. Since I don't conform to what and how people want to see me, they just want me gone. It's terrible. 

 

 

 

[Reena]

It's almost like being told by a man - be a good girl. Don't do this. Don't do that. 

 

Why do men get to dictate so much of a woman's persona will always be a mystery to me. 

 

[Reena]

I have bought a Borderline card deck. 

 

 

It's lying in the closet. 

 

I want to see if I can use it when I'm experiencing intense emotion of self abuse or self harm. 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 25, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

Despite telling myself everything is going to okay, I still feel a lot of fear deep down. 

What if I completely run out of money? 

 

What if the stress keeps going up up up up up? 

 

Edited December 25, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

My dad died because he didn't have money for medical treatment. 

 

It was the single biggest trauma of my life. 

 

Now I'm faced with something similar although not as serious as what he was dealing with when I was a kid. 

 

 

It left me feeling extremely helpless. Seeing him die and not having a single penny for his treatment. 

It was hard on me. 

 

I guess thats where I imported the helplessness. 

 

Then in my dreams as a child I recurrently  felt like I might have to go through a similar situation. That what happened to my father might repeat with me? 

 

It used to haunt me. 

 

Now I try to think - It's okay. It's okay. Life is short. God will give me the strength if something drastic happens. 

 

Don't think catastrophic thoughts. 

 

 

It's hard for someone who has been through intense trauma to keep away from fearful thoughts. 

 

It's like that fear comes back in waves of terror. 

 

 

[Reena]

The neighbors gave me a Christmas present. Which is kind of them. I appreciate these little gestures. 

 

However it doesn't take away the enormous stress I feel. And the constant mental instability. 

 

This will be my only public record if something happens to me. 

 

My family and friends can probably read what I'm writing here. 

 

My family doesn't need to know because they already know a lot. 

 

But my school friends. My old friends. They don't know anything about me and I have no way to contact them. I even forgot their names by now.. 

 

My name is Reena 

 

Maybe they know I'm borderline as I mentioned it before to them at some point. 

 

So I guess they will find me on this forum if they try to track me somehow in case something happened to me, they will at least know that I was writing here. 

 

 

 

[Reena]

Or maybe I can link my journal to them if anyone of them contacts me or my family and they will know what I write every day or how my life has been and that way at least they will have some idea if anything ever went wrong with me. 

So they don't have to feel clueless about my existence. 

I pray they do well. 

If I ever cease to exist, I pray that I meet them in the afterlife. 

 

I want to cut people out of my life for good. It's not good for my mental illness to constantly have to fight for myself against internet strangers. 

 

I have had enough people writing me their nonsense. 

I need my peace and quiet. 

And it can't be possible if I'm talking to some random internet stranger. 

 

I have to talk to people who have a solid grip over me.. Who know what's going on with me. 

 

 

 

I need emergency action. 

 

I have taken enough abuse and gaslighting from internet strangers..

 

I need to be focusing on myself and cut off people for good. 

 

 

Reena, be calm. Be calm. Focus on peace. Don't be rattled. 

 

My periods are very irregular. So my PMS symptoms are wack. That also contributes a lot to my mental and emotional instability. 

 

Some days are okay. Some days I feel wild and grumpy. Even insufferable, irritable. 

I have also found that I'm a woman of order. 

I like everything in order. I am noticing that a lot about me. 

 

If something is not in order I feel very upset. 

 

My mom had OCD at some point. 

 

I don't know if these are OCD symptoms but I like to have a certain order about almost everything. 

 

If I had a husband. I would be faithful to him all my life. Because I like being conservative. I like keeping things the way they always are or used to be. 

That way I feel better. Safer. Also less stress. 

 

I was raised in a conservative religious environment. 

So I grew up that way. 

 

Any change was awful. 

 

Edited December 25, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

I also stayed a virgin throughout all my relationships because I didn't want to lose my virginity at all. I'm 27 and still a virgin. At some point I shamed myself extensively for it. 

 

But these days I treasure my virginity. 

 

 

If I became a mother at this age and I had a daughter I would tell her that virginity is a good thing. A great thing. Please don't lose your virginity. It's your most important asset as a woman. 

 

Because my virginity makes me feel unconquered as weird as it sounds. It makes me feel safe. It makes me feel like I didn't surrender myself to some loser or asshole in life. So I feel good. Kinda proud that I did not give into a man sexually. I know what it might feel like if I did that 

 

I already feel shitty enough that I gave my heart to my ex boyfriends. And they had my heart and they had the chance to break it. So evil. Men can do so much evil to woman without raising a hand on them.. Even emotionally men can hurt women so much. Women are generally blind to the hurt that men are capable of. 

 

Imagine if I had slept with a bloke in a club or something or a park or a car or whatever or in a motel or in my room. And then a week later, the guy mistreats me or treats me like dirt. Not only would I have felt absolutely awful for having felt feelings for him but I would have felt dirty to have slept with such a disgusting asshole. That I even gave my body, my precious body to him 

 

I mean I am not being weird or kidding. A woman's pussy is precious in my holy fucking womanly opinion. I think the vagina or pussy is a route to the heart. A woman is strongly attached to her vagina. So giving that to a man can feel enormous to a woman. It might not be a big deal to a man to snatch her pussy. But it's a big fucking deal for the woman to sleep with a man. At least it's for me. I will feel terrible if I did that. 

 

So I feel proud that I remained a Virgin. Yessss. At least something I can be proud of. 

 

What is my ideal kind of woman -

My ideal kind of woman is someone who is extremely beautiful, sharp, sincere, emotional, caring, sweet, extremely intelligent, wild, funny, sexy as hell, and yes a virgin. And very vulnerable. I see vulnerability as a beautiful womanly quality a woman must have. Vulnerability is like glass. It's fragile but it's beautiful to look at. Imagine something carved out of glass. 

 

 

Edited December 25, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

 

 

 

Some days I feel like I want to give birth to a beautiful beautiful girl and make her like me, in my image and let her stay a virgin and tell her what a beautiful thing she is. She is to be adored and respected and treasured. Not even remotely close to how my fucking miserable mother heathen treated me. She is and was beautiful but only on the outside. Inside she was and is a dominating bossy gross woman. Ugh. Terrible example for me. 

I would not even let a fly sit on my daughter. She would be absolu-fucking fabulous wonderful princess of my heart. And I would teach her all the good things and never let her suffer any Meanness and make her a queen.

 

                                

 

 

And I don't want any gross man to touch my princess, to even come close to her highness. She is royal. She is beautiful. She is perfect. 

 

Men take advantage of vulnerable women and get away with it. 

            

                              

 

To my future daughter who will most likely never exist - I'm so sorry I didn't give birth to you. I didn't want to be a mother because of my childhood trauma. It made me hate the word mom. But in my heart, you'll know that I would have made the best fucking mamma for you. I would have deeply cherished you and showered you with deep deep love my girl. I wanted you but right now I'm sorry. 

 

                           

 

(Marcel used to tell me that I'll make the best mother. I know. My trauma taught me that a mom should be a best friend to her daughter, her guardian and guide, not a boss.) 

 

                          

 

 

 

What is my ideal kind of woman -

 

My ideal kind of woman is someone who is extremely beautiful, sharp, sincere, emotional, caring, sweet, extremely intelligent, wild, funny, sexy as hell, and yes a virgin. And very vulnerable. I see vulnerability as a beautiful womanly quality a woman must have. Vulnerability is like glass. It's fragile but it's beautiful to look at. Imagine something carved out of glass. 

 

                               

 

Some days I feel completely helpless. Like I won't ever be able to do anything at all. I feel weak, tired, miserable and without hope. 

 

My depression on those days is much worse. 

 

Some days are better. I feel like there will be hope some day.  My financial situation will get better, I will save more and then it won't be that bad. I'll still be able to live through thick and thin

 

 

I have fallen on hard times. I get it. 

 

But I keep telling myself it's gonna be okay.. 

 

One day it's gonna be okay. Life is testing me a bit brutally. 

 

 

But I have always been a fighter 

 

Keeping my hope alive.. 

 

 

                                   

The food insecurity has been bugging me a lot lately as prices continue to soar. 

 

Covid will make it worse in the next few months. 

 

I just have my own strength to rely on.

 

Some days I feel really weak.. Zero energy. Can't even get out of bed. 

 

 

                                  

 

I have also found that I'm a woman of order. 

I like everything in order. I am noticing that a lot about me. 

 

If something is not in order I feel very upset. 

 

My mom had OCD at some point. 

 

I don't know if these are OCD symptoms but I like to have a certain order about almost everything. 

 

If I had a husband. I would be faithful to him all my life. Because I like being conservative. I like keeping things the way they always are or used to be. 

That way I feel better. Safer. Also less stress. 

 

I was raised in a conservative religious environment. 

So I grew up that way. 

 

Any change was awful. 

 

 

                                 

My periods are very irregular. So my PMS symptoms are wack. That also contributes a lot to my mental and emotional instability. 

 

Some days are okay. Some days I feel wild and grumpy. Even insufferable, irritable. 

 

                                   

Mental illness can make it difficult for someone to cope with work, relationships and other demands. The relationship between stress and mental illness is complex, but it is known that stress can worsen an episode of mental illness. Most people can manage their mental illness with medication, counselling or both.

 

                                     

 

Complex mental health issues are impactful, severe, enduring, or episodic. They can involve high levels of psychological distress, exposure to trauma, and/or conditions such as schizophrenia, personality disorders, and bipolar disorder.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 25, 2023 by Reena