It's been a while since I received a hug

[Reena]

I am just fed up. 

 

[Reena]

I have been trying to understand how to approach my psychiatrist. 

I don't feel okay. I drank a bit. 

I feel like canceling the appointment already. 

I'm feeling overwhelmed. 

 

[Reena]

I need to eat something. 

[Reena]

My family just informed me that they have canceled the psychiatric appointment. I'm so happy because I just wasn't in the mood to talk. I was feeling ill, I had a journal interruption that caused me anxiety and I drank some to feel okay. I was feeling messed throughout the day and wasn't exactly ready for the psychiatrist appointment. 

 

So feeling blessed at least for this day. Living paycheck to paycheck, day by day

 

 

 

God's grace 

 

 

[Reena]

My family will be rescheduling the psychiatrist appointment this week at some point. 

 

[Reena]

Things have gotten better. My ex tried reaching out to me once again and I blocked him 

 

[Reena]

 

I have seen this dynamic often play out where someone goes out of their way to bully me to the point of trigger where I tell them to leave me alone. And their words cause me pain. And when they realize that I am standing up for myself they then begin to call it unfair and hypocrisy and make it look like I have some privilege that needs to be removed. And then I get punished. It's crazy. And on top of that they justify that punishment. It's like really - who is the real victim player. They want to abuse me. And also tolerate that abuse. But when it's my turn to lash back to that abuse, it's deemed unfair. But was it fair for me to tolerate their obscenity and Meanness and disrespect?

 

And I get warning points - 

 

[Reena]

It's like they have a problem if a woman hoists her own identity and virtue. It's almost like - "how dare you?"

[Reena]

Women are always told that they look ugly when they fight back. It's a shadow of the masculine. 

[Reena]

Now it makes perfect sense why I don't talk to people. Yea because they fail to show sincerity when called for the occasion.

[Reena]

The problem is inhibition of expression and it's usually on purpose. 

 

[Blessed2]

When I got a point for name calling, I felt so hurt and wronged that I actually cried.

 

[Reena]

I drank. I mean. I also had my father's death anniversary and all this plays out. It's so embarrassing. 

 

I wish I had a safe public space for journaling. 

Where people aren't allowed to pass rude and mean comments and I could vent safely.. 

I feel so wronged but by now I'm used to all this. It's the same old. People who do you wrong always win. You always lose. 

 

 

[Reena]

 

I don't know what to do. I tried to nap and comfort myself but I didn't eat anything and I feel weak. 

 

[Reena]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

So this guy was offering me work. But I felt a bit suspicious because he wants to send me money even before I complete his work. 

 

I clearly told him that I won't be taking any money if I'm not working. 

 

I told him to pay me only after I have done his work. 

 

I like that he cares about me. About my financial issues. 

 

But I'm in no mood to simply take money from him. Something about it doesn't feel right to me. 

 

I know my ex used to do that to me. I lost half of my bank balance to him. He begged me for money for years and I kept giving him to the point I lost a lot of it. I thought I was helping him. He was simply exploiting me. 

 

I don't want to be a part of something like that. 

Anyone who offers free money is equally a part of the problem. 

 

 

[Reena]

The past few days i have been extremely self destructive. 

Like giving back into my addictions. 

 

 

I don't want to go down that path again. 

 

I want to feel stable. I know my father's death anniversary was extremely painful to deal with and this time of the year is always hard for me. 

 

[Reena]

2 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

When I got a point for name calling, I felt so hurt and wronged that I actually cried.

 

Yea me too. For someone battling with depression and mental illness it can hurt a lot. 

 

[Reena]

I don't know what kind of people I'm dealing with and I don't wish to have assumptions. 

Just be as much self focused as possible. 

Keeping myself calm but serious. 

 

 

 

[Reena]

Symptoms of ptsd can lead to extreme triggers