It's been a while since I received a hug

[Reena]

There was nothing for a long time. Everything had fallen apart. The feeling of lovelessness was deep. 

[grace]

Sending you a hug right now, it's traveling through space and the air all the way to you. I hope you feel its' warmth.

[Reena]

@grace thank you. It means a lot. 

[Reena]

The dreams told me that I wanted a hug. 

 

I wanted it so badly that I lay there motionless inside a car. Not moving. The cop is telling me to get out of the car. I'm not listening. I told him to drag me out. 

 

So he opened the car door and dragged me out. 

 

Despite all the fear and fragility in me, I felt better when the cop held my arm. 

 

Nobody had touched my arm in years. I longed for human touch. 

 

So when he grabbed my arm, a wave of relief and comfort washed over me. I experienced some touch. Human touch. 

 

I wish the cop would hug me. 

 

But they are cops. Their job is to arrest. So he arrested me on suspicion of running away. 

 

 

 

 

Most recent dream - being chased by a cop. Or by someone who can call the cop. I had broken traffic rules. I made someone go on a high speed chase to follow me. They are pissed and they came after me. I have a dog in my car and I'm nibbling on a sandwich. I decide to stop my car. I feel like I'll be arrested. 

 

 

 

The dream was frightening. I felt scared. 

 

Edited December 14, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

The dreams told me that I wanted a hug. 

 

 

 

I wanted it so badly that I lay there motionless inside a car. Not moving. The cop is telling me to get out of the car. I'm not listening. I told him to drag me out. 

 

 

 

So he opened the car door and dragged me out. 

 

 

 

Despite all the fear and fragility in me, I felt better when the cop held my arm. 

 

 

 

Nobody had touched my arm in years. I longed for human touch. 

 

 

 

So when he grabbed my arm, a wave of relief and comfort washed over me. I experienced some touch. Human touch. 

 

 

 

I wish the cop would hug me. 

 

 

 

But they are cops. Their job is to arrest. So he arrested me on suspicion of running away. 

 

 

 

I wanted a hug so bad. 

 

 

 

 

I was so lonely and desperate for human company that I let myself be arrested by a cop. They say suicide by cop. 

I say - Hug by cop. 

 

 

[Reena]

Another dream. Another clue into my subconscious operation. 

 

I'm slowly realizing that I lack love really badly. I am falling apart from a lack of love. 

 

I need to build love. I need to create love. 

 

 

I need to love myself. It's hard. But I will have to do it in order to survive. 

 

I guess that's what the dream meant. 

 

I abused myself for a very long time. I simply couldn't cope with not having any human touch any shred of human love. 

 

 Now I understand that human love is important. Not animal love. Not pet love. Not any substitute. Not that I don't value pet love. 

 

Pure human love. 

 

 

It's taken for granted with all the animal replacements. Fuck that shit. Own pets. How many cats are you going to own to feel a little less lonely? It doesn't make sense. Another escapism. 

 

There a value of consciousness to human love that will never exist anywhere in the entire universe.

 

 

Now I fully understand why I had the rape dreams. 

 

 

I was looking for love even in rape. I wanted human touch so bad that I let myself be raped. I cried. A lot. I am very emotional right now. 

 

My father's death  anniversary is on December 18th. A few days from now. 

Where's is my childhood picture? Where is my childhood? 

 

I let a guy online cyber sex me just to feel that he is touching me. He told me that he would rape me. And he described it to me. I let it. Because I wanted it so bad. I wanted to be touched so bad. I would be so scared in real life. Because I'm so introverted. I wouldn't even step closer to anyone. I would rather destroy myself than talk to someone. 

 

 

So I let him have his way. This is the way I self destruct. 

 

It's like sleeping with anyone just for a hug. It's my pain. 

 

It's trauma induced behavior. 

 

 

I can't live without human touch. I became desperate. 

 

I want to be given love. Affection. Bonding. Attachment. Someone to finger my pussy. Someone to give me intimacy. Someone to make me feel wanted. Loved. Belonged. Sexed. Possessed. Betrothed. Someone to make me feel like I mean something to them. That I'm desired. I'm valued. Someone to fuck my skull because I'm going to be dead some day. Empty skull. Open grave. Shallow grave. Nobody to call me their own. 

 

Not to be pumped and dumped. Not to be abandoned and discarded and be treated as "good for nothing." 

 

That my soul and body meant something. That I lived. That I was loved. That someone missed me too. Not this deep deep loneliness that bites me like a wasp. 

 

Not sitting at the grave waiting for someone till eternity. Nobody to look at my grave. Nobody to place a flower on my buried corpse. Nobody to say Reena belongs to them. Nobody to even know me. 

 

The worst pain is the pain of non existence. Zero identity. The pain of no value. No dignity. The pain of knowing that I don't matter. That nobody cares. Nobody gives a shit. Not the pain of rape. 

 

The pain of knowing that my existence doesn't mean anything. The pain of knowing that all children are loved except me. The pain of the neglected child. The inner child is screaming today. 

 

The pain of not being acknowledged. The pain of being abandoned. 

 

The pain and humiliation of disgrace, the pain of not being honored, the pain of being left to die and rot alone. What could be a bigger hell than that? Isn't that already hell where you are obscured into anonymity and your grave desecrated like they did to King Tutankhamun, the Unfortunate Boy King, ravaged and forgotten, your value reduced to zero. Your existence pitied upon. Your death not  considered a loss. You mean nothing. You meant nothing. You are good riddance. 

 

These feelings regurgitate my childhood trauma of abandonment. Of being told that I was better off aborted and not let be born. 

 

Nobody gonna miss you. You're banned. Disgraced. Dishonored. Disfigured and Discarded. 

 

 

Oh God. 

 

Now I understand the Rape dreams better. It's about possession. It's about ownership. 

 

I wanted to be owned. 

 

[Reena]

2 minutes ago, Reena said:

The pain of no value. No dignity.

This part hurts the most out of all. 

 

The pain of being denied any self worth and dignity. Even basic human dignity. 

Your character shred to pieces. This is why virtue signaling is bad. It's one thing to shout virtues off a podium. I don't deny that. I'm not against virtue. It's another to reduce someone to meat and bones. To say that I'm just an attention seeker. To pour salt into my wounds. To throw me at the walls. 

 

How can we destroy her? We will first assassinate her character. Then we will make her feel empty and useless. We will then disgrace her. And then we will seal her unmarked grave, deny her pain, call her screaming a drama, dismiss her, and shut her up for good. She will have no voice. We will ban her for good. She will not be afforded any dignity. She will not be given a voice or identity. She is Miss Anonymous. We will punish her so badly, ostracize her so badly that in no way will she ever have a chance at eternity. She is denied the after life. She is denied eternity. There is nothing for her. And let this be a lesson. 

 

So that anyone like her will be punished similarly. She will meet the same fate. 

 

The hallmark of narcissistic abuse. That's how it operates. 

 

[Reena]

I ask. What's her crime? 

What did I do wrong? 

 

Why was I punished? 

 

Why is my grave unmarked? 

 

 

They tell me that my only crime is that I begged for human affection. That my hunger is a crime. 

 

That such a crime is the greatest of all. 

 

That I'm a Parasite. 

 

 

That I'm a Parasite 

 

 

That I'm a Parasite. 

 

That I'm a sucker for love. 

 

 

That I deserve hell. That I begged to narcissists for some love. So I was looked at with contempt and horror. 

 

That I aroused derision in my masters. 

 

That I made them feel uncomfortable with the idea of love. That I compelled them to give me some and this irked their ego. 

 

How dare I ask for dignity? 

 

 

 

[Reena]

I ask. What's her crime? 

What did I do wrong? 

 

Why was I punished? 

 

Why is my grave unmarked? 

 

 

They tell me that my only crime is that I begged for human affection. That my hunger is a crime. 

 

That such a crime is the greatest of all. 

 

That I'm a Parasite. 

 

 

That I'm a Parasite 

 

 

That I'm a Parasite. 

 

That I'm a sucker for love. 

 

 

That I deserve hell. That I begged to narcissists for some love. So I was looked at with contempt and horror. 

 

That I aroused derision in my masters. 

 

That I made them feel uncomfortable with the idea of love. That I compelled them to give me some and this irked their ego. 

 

How dare I ask for dignity? 

 

 

 

[Reena]

I have been feeling better now. 

I hope I don't get that dream again. 

 

I guess it was a representative kind of a dream.. 

[Reena]

My father's death anniversary is approaching and I don't know how to deal with it 

 

I don't want to talk to anyone around that time. 

 

[Reena]

There were a lot of take aways from my misery and pain.. 

[Reena]

Shhhhh.... Let me focus. 

 

[Reena]

1 minute ago, Reena said:

There were a lot of take aways from my misery and pain.. 

 

The take aways from my situation - 

 

 

[Reena]

25 minutes ago, Reena said:

There were a lot of take aways from my misery and pain.. 

 

The take aways from my situation - 

 

      one thing is what my sister told me a few weeks ago. That online communication cannot really reveal to someone the extent of pain that you're going through. It's futile. It can drag you down if you're already going through a mental illness issue. 

 

  

 

    

 

   

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 14, 2023 by Reena

[Phil]

@Reena

Pain is localized, of the body. Pain can be pointed to, such as when telling a doctor what hurts. 

Suffering is non-localized, not of the body, and can not be pointed to. 

The way to ensure suffering, is to believe its pain. 

 

“Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law; and one's foes will be members of one's own household.” 

- Reena

[Reena]

@Phil suffering is the culmination of pain. 

[Phil]

@Reena

Without the interpretation there might or might not be pain, but there woulnd’t be suffering. 

[Reena]

It's my father's death anniversary tomorrow. Don't know how to deal with it. 

[Phil]

@Reena 🤗