It's been a while since I received a hug

[Reena]

I'm happy I was able to make it this far despite the ptsd. 

[Reena]

I have been tempted to do wrong things due to severe bullying in the past and I don't want to repeat that thing again. 

 

[Reena]

 

I have been feeling like cutting myself this past week and it was almost unbearable. Periods of deep depression intercepted with pain and anguish that I have felt over my father's death. It left me with a deep hole inside me. A void that can never be filled easily. 

 

 

[Reena]

Some people come with oppressive energy. 

They act like they own everything. 

They even try to dictate you your perspective. 

You have to actively avoid those people. They are nothing but trouble. 

 

[Reena]

Frankly I don't want to talk to anyone. It's pure torture.. 

[Reena]

I am not a very confrontational kind of a person. It doesn't bring out the best in me. I avoid argumentative conversations unless it's like a close romantic partner or something. I simply avoid that energy. 

 

 

[Reena]

I'm happy in my own world. Even though it doesn't bring me happiness, it at least brings me peace. 

[Reena]

I wonder what prostitutes have to go through. 

Do you ever have a situation in your life where someone says, "suck my dick or you are gonna suffer." and you are thinking in your head, "damn sadistic motherfuxker" 

 

[Reena]

I will call it a narcissistic hard on. These people get hard on someone's suffering. They get a boner seeing weak people.

[Reena]

Move from strength to strength and find a supportive community. 

Be free girl. 

 

[Reena]

I feel like killing myself. It can take a toll on me.

[Reena]

I dissociate myself from this community. It's for the best. (I am not okay with how things were handled on here.) 

 

 

[Reena]

I don't feel safe here anymore. 

 

 

[Blessed2]

8 hours ago, Reena said:

So this guy was offering me work. But I felt a bit suspicious because he wants to send me money even before I complete his work. 

 

Who is that guy and what work is he offering?

[Reena]

7 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

 

Who is that guy and what work is he offering?

I did not have many conversations with him. I will reject his offer because I'm feeling insecure about it. 

I don't want to accept money from strangers. 

I usually end up with the wrong kind of people when I open up about my problems. It's hard either way. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. 

 

[Reena]

Last time I trusted a person I was scammed terribly. 

[Reena]

The food insecurity is bugging me everyday. I feel like I don't know if there's a day I won't have food to eat. I didn't know this is something I'll have to face.. Anyway I'm too scared to even talk about it. 

I wish someone would just hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I feel insecure, scared, nervous and just scared for my future. I don't sleep well because of this fear. I wish my life wasn't so hard. I already had a hard childhood. I would not wish my life on anyone. I feel like bad things are about to happen. Or it could be my anxiety. I have been battling suicidal thoughts for a long time. But back then I was still physically capable of dealing with things. These days it's really hard. It's getting harder with each passing day now. My uncle passed away recently and that came as a surprise. My mom, who I don't even like to talk about.

I don't know anymore. If I had just one person physically close to me and hold my hand and tell me it's gonna be okay, I would have felt little less terrified of the future. I wish I had worked on myself years ago but back then it was still hard because I was wrapped in abusive toxic relationships. I was without any guidance. I suffered because of my mistakes and paid a terrible price because of my mental health. I wish my family hadn't left me to rot. The trauma of my father's death took a heavy toll on me and it felt like there was no going back. Like I was helpless, everything felt like deep deep darkness, like a hollow I could not see through. My days ahead might not be good but I need to stay strong 

Edited December 21, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

I would have felt much better if someone had physically hugged me.

[Reena]

In these moments what can help me. 

Just love, reassurance. God. Faith. Just knowing that life does not matter. Love does. 

 

Cultivate a relationship of faith and trust. 

 

I know I have done wrong things. 

They did not come from wrong intent. But they came from incapacity. 

 

I felt incapable of telling the truth. 

 

I wish I had a true lover. Someone who would sit with me and I would tell them that I'm a liar. That i can't open up in the right manner. I have difficulties I can't fathom. Someone to not misunderstand me. Someone to understand my vulnerability. Someone to say - - hey, I know how you feel. I don't blame you. 

 

Because inside me I feel blamed. I hadn't done anything wrong. But I felt like I succumbed to internal insecurities and pressure. 

 

 

[Reena]

Sometimes I feel this life is over. It will never come back. I will never have a chance to redeem. Deep fears plague me. I didn't talk to anyone till the age of 13.

 

God protect the children who faced abuse. They didn't deserve it. 

 

At the end of the day the only treasure I have is my own purity and sanctity. 

 

My own character. 

 

These days is a test of my character. Stay strong or die. 

 

Don't care about what the world thinks. Your outer body doesn't matter. Your hair doesn't matter. Your face, your body, your outer self doesn't matter. This is just a body you are given at birth. It's not an important thing. It will get destroyed without food in the cold. 

 

But what will stay true is fortitude of character. 

 

The end times will be miserable. 

 

People will value things like money. 

Nobody will care about the soul. 

 

 

But your soul, your soul is everything you ever got. Your soul is everything you got. I'll go to heaven if I die in pain. But I'll tell God it wasn't my fault. I did my best. I did everything to make things work. But I couldn't anymore. 

 

What should you do when you feel insecure and disabled?