It's been a while since I received a hug

[Reena]

 

 

If I have a daughter in the future, then when she grows up I want her to look like that. She will.. My mom is beautiful so she might inherit that.

 

 

 

Edited December 25, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

I feel like I am a great person who has survived a lot of odds in her life. And I should probably write a book in the future inspiring people on overcoming deeper trauma and conflict. First I need to get there before I'm able to inspire others. 

 

My story is of deep pain and tension. But one day it will be of victory. 

 

One day when I heal I'll help other Borderline people too. 

 

Till then fingers crossed. 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 25, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

 

 

My mom is right now living with the white family that adopted me years ago. She went there to thank them for having cared for me when she was very ill and couldn't take care of me. 

 

 

It's not considered a divine feminine when a woman fights back. 

 

It's not considered  a divine feminine when a woman loses her temper. 

 

She simply can't. She is not supposed to. She is not supposed to flip out or experience wound or pain.. 

 

How many times have I seen this dynamic play out?

  

 

 

Timeline 

Love Notes 

Burn 

Building blocks 

Happiness and motivation 

Integration 

Emotional mastery 

Progress and goals 

Strength to strength 

Specific discussions 

Eating

Expression

 

 

 

 

In my dreams I see only you. 

 

 

 

I want to eat a wholesome breakfast in the morning although I can't afford it. Maybe a day will come when that will be possible. 

 

 

 

Aspects Tribal - 

 

I think when someone suffers extreme level of trauma in their childhood and the world doesn't have a cure for it, it's like it's the tribalistic aspects that handle it better. 

These rape dreams could be an offshoot of those tribalistic aspects. 

They give relief by playing out the reptilian mind 

 

It's like when you traumatize a mind, the mind goes berserk and then the reptilian mind is triggered in the process. This is a bold move. A move toward survival. 

 

Again survival is not love. Remember that rapists program your mind to believe that survival is love. If they feed you, they love you. This is a false illusion. Realize that this is equivalent to someone pushing you off the stairs and then taking you to the hospital. Just because they take you to the hospital does not make them angels. 

But this exact recipe or method is used by rapists and hostage situations or captors who first take you hostage and then feed you and act like they did a service to you. It's like they did a favor to you. This is not a true friend. This is not a true helper. Can you see this? Can you see through this deception? Can you see the Devil? The devil is always in the details. In order to know the Devil, you have to know each and every detail of what's happening to you. Because there lies your freedom and the GOLD KEY that you needed to set yourself free. 

 

The rape dreams could also be a signal that you are struggling and trying to set yourself free or a caution that you should do so. 

 

 

 

 

The only way to fix my life is to reconcile the idea of true love and trauma love. 

 

I have had both in my life. One from my father. One from my exes. 

 

I did not know how to make sense of any. 

 

Love that I received and lost. 

 

Love that never existed. 

 

Love that existed in abusive ways. 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 25, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

Message to Inner Me - Don't talk to anyone on the forum. Keep to myself. Less stress. 

 

(people won't understand you and that's alright too, forgive them and let it go.) everything is enlightenment anyway. 

 

[Reena]

I have been feeling like killing myself lately for good. Some days are alright. Some days are just awful. Really painful. 

 

I have learned that suicidal behavior is very common in borderline disorder. 

 

This creates tremendous anxiety in me. 

And like what am I waiting for? 

There are thoughts like - why not just end it  all if I can't handle this restlessness and sadness? 

 

The psychiatrist also told me to keep a tab on days I feel suicidal and days I feel better. She wants to see my record of suicidal thoughts to ascertain whether I should be placed on a suicide watch..

 

I don't know. 

[Reena]

My suicidal feelings are a bit wobbly. 

 

One minute I feel deeply suicidal. 

 

After 5 minutes I'm laughing hysterically and I completely forget that I was suicidal just minutes before. 

 

Then I listen to some happy music and become alright again. 

 

Both emotions going up and down takes a toll on me. 

 

I just have to calm myself during minutes I'm suicidal. It feels like a huge panic attack and some sort of sadness and helplessness wash over me. It's very hurtful and painful. As though living is a crime and an existential crisis.

 

My doctor (psychiatrist) told me that I'm going through major depression. It's called Major Depressive Disorder. 

 

They have decided that they will put me on some medication if my suicidal behavior leads to any kind of self harm. 

 

I don't feel like telling this to my mom. I don't want her to feel depressed. She went through major depression too. 

 

Discussing mental illness with family members is extremely complicated and tricky. You don't want to frighten them or freak them out but at the same time you want to scream loudly for help. 

 

I feel very much dangerously living on the edge.

 

One minute I'm happy and distracted and next minute I'm filled with tremendous anxiety and withdrawal. 

 

It's frightening. 

 

 

 

[Phil]

If you are experiencing suicidal ideation and or thoughts about harming yourself or anyone else in any way, immediately discontinue use of this site and contact a suicide prevention specialist via googling ‘international suicide prevention hotline’, and speak with your doctor and a therapist. 

 

*Immediately does not mean after you type, converse or express wether in a journal or otherwise, about ideation. Immediately means prior to these activities. Immediately means immediately as in right now. Do not wait, do not think it over, do not schedule time - immediately stop using this forum and contact a hotline. 

 

[Reena]

2 minutes ago, Phil said:

If you are experiencing suicidal ideation and or thoughts about harming yourself or anyone else in any way, immediately discontinue use of this site and contact a suicide prevention specialist via googling ‘international suicide prevention hotline’, and speak with your doctor and a therapist. 

 

*Immediately does not mean after you type, converse or express wether in a journal or otherwise, about ideation. Immediately means prior to these activities. Immediately means immediately as in right now. Do not wait, do not think it over, do not schedule time - immediately stop using this forum and contact a hotline. 

 

But it's not immediate for me. 

You don't have to worry. My family is taking care of it. 

I already have the psychiatrist on speed dial. So if things are not good, she is always there to help. 

 

[Reena]

Discussing mental illness with family members is extremely complicated and tricky. You don't want to frighten them or freak them out but at the same time you want to scream loudly for help. 

 

I feel very much dangerously living on the edge.

 

One minute I'm happy and distracted and next minute I'm filled with tremendous anxiety and withdrawal. 

 

It's frightening. 

[Reena]

Anyway next week I might start my meds. 

 

 

I don't know how the meds experience is going to be this time. 

 

If they will help at all. 

 

My mom did better on meds. 

 

 

[Reena]

The other problem is my extreme sensitivity to mood fluctuations. 

 

Something that I need to work on. 

 

I need to ask myself - what's generally helpful? 

 

[Phil]

The suggested methods are helpful. They actually work. 

 

[Reena]

2 minutes ago, Reena said:

I need to ask myself - what's generally helpful? 

 

I have found that a mix of two activities makes me feel better generally.

 

One activity needs to be pacifying or calming. 

 

The other activity needs to be activating or energizing. 

 

I have found that if i relax myself too much, it gets demotivating and depressing. So I have to drink coffee or something to reactivate my stimulation. My brain feels terribly weak if I try to meditate or relax. It's like it begins to slowly switch off and I become extremely weak and slow like a drunk robotic person. Simply no energy. Then I'm forced to drink coffee or play loud music to feel upbeat or stimulated. 

 

Once I reach moderate levels of stimulation, I feel hyped or hyper and then I have to relax myself or go to sleep. I automatically fall asleep when my energy levels hit peak point. 

 

Then the same cycle repeats.

 

My doctor (psychiatrist) told me that this could be related to hypomanic depression. 

 

 

[Reena]

I like this for some reason 

 

 

As an intuitive introvert with social anxiety, I have difficulties managing networked structural entanglements, incentives, manipulations, and their respective dynamics. I operate effectively in a minimally maximizing field of potentialities. Due to severe chronic health problems, I have absolutely no spare energy for superfluous worries. In accordance with:

 

- Vertical Integrity: Hierarchical positions are entitled to basic decencies and non-discriminatory external or internal integration, especially in allegedly help-centric communities considering the potentially profound trauma-induced vulnerability of entities, contrasting subsequent failure to uphold the forum own’s guidelines ‘Expression of all emotions is encouraged.’ and ‘What Is Not Allowed On This Forum […] racism’

- Privacy Regulations: I live in a jurisdiction with strong data protection laws (EU’s GDPR laws and their extraterritorial effects). They enforce my right to privacy, respect, and support in services of practices deemed unfair and deceptive, which may also include American consumer protection laws.

- Self-Help Completeness: If the well-being of users is not prioritized (e.g. by processing suppression of account), then objectives and actions are mutually contradictory. Legitimate consideration of user requests is tautological.

- Clarity: To enhance the effectiveness and sincerity of communal classifications, and to respect the boundaries of their users.

 

Under such circumstances, cynical superstitious gaslighting is unfortunate and unwarranted. 

Edited December 25, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

             

 

                                  

 

 

I mean my family tells me that the mental health scenario in my country in early 2000s was quite dismal with not much help available to mentally ill people in terms of medication, treatment, therapy, rehabs, hospitals etc. 

 

I'm surprised that even today the situation hasn't improved even a bit. 

 

The condition in mental hospitals is terrible. No health check ups. No therapy offered. No meds. Tranquilizers if you shout. Bad food. Depressing environment. 

 

I didn't even have a book in my room. It used to feel like jail. 

 

They literally treat you like a animal or criminal. 

 

Even jails and prisons have books and fun activities. 

I can't believe that mental illness is treated like a crime. 

                                    

 

 

I don't know how to seriously feel about this. I watched a documentary on mental illness and the treatment of mentally ill people back in 1960s, like 70 years ago. 

It was terrible. Those people were left to rot, they were lying naked or in rags, eating spoilt food, no place to sleep and just treated worse than criminals. 

 

 

 

                             

 

In India, mental health disorders often remain hidden, as there is a lack of education and awareness concerning psychological disorders.

 

Mental health issues are among the most deadly epidemics affecting the youth in India. About 60 to 70 million people in the country suffer from common or severe mental disorders.

 

Studies have shown that people with mental health issues find that holidays can make their conditions worse.

 

                        

 

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://www.psypost.org/2023/12/the-dark-side-of-social-media-on-youth-mental-health-215179&ved=2ahUKEwimofj00aqDAxUln2MGHVtQAXY4PBDF9AEoAHoECAkQAg&usg=AOvVaw1omiDf82QfJU_XdcIYnd8r

 

 

The dark side of social media on youth mental health. 

 

                              

 

I feel good researching on this topic. 

 

 

 

Edited December 25, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

 

 

 

Mental illness feels like cancer. It kinda eats your brain inside out. 

 

 

I hope nobody in my family in the future ever suffers again. 

 

It's a terrible reality and stigmatization makes it worse. 

 

[Reena]

 

                                  

 

One thing I found in my therapy is that smelling something nice brings a huge shift in how I feel. 

 

Literally Smelling even detergent. 

I feel nice when I smell soaps and fragrant products, toiletries. Makes me feel nice and comfy. 

 

                                         

 

                               

 

                                

 

 

                         

 

 

                            

 

                                 

 

 

                                

 

 

 

 

Edited December 25, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

Color therapy. 

 

                                      

 

                                        

 

                                       

 

                                    

 

                                        

 

                                             

                                              

 

 

                                     

 

 

Edited December 25, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

 

                                              

 

                                                

 

 

                                             

 

                                          

 

                                            

 

 

                                               

 

                                                

 

                                           

 

 

 

[Reena]

 

                                       

 

Wherever I go I always end up with facing some kind of harassment from the males in that place, online and offline. 

 

I tend to be a bit frank and outspoken and it places me in a lot of trouble. 

 

The men will try to pick fights with me and also pick on me. I feel scared and uncomfortable. 

 

It's like they don't want a woman who speaks a bit more. But I can't help being me. I am how I am. 

 

I can't be just sitting pretty and quiet. 

 

A lot of men have a shadow against a woman who displays anger, frustration, complains or protests. Even if her reasons for protest are completely legitimate. But the men are so insecure about a woman, they freak out and start attacking her in every possible manner. 

 

I have seen this dynamic so often now that it sickens me. I don't want to be talking to men anymore. It's best to avoid. Because they can be very aggressive and not care for or respect a woman's boundaries. 

 

They constantly like to butt their head into a woman's stuff. It can feel so awful. 

 

I think these men are lonely with incel mentality and they are probably not happy with the woman aspect of their lives. 

 

So they come online, they see a woman, they jump on her. They ridicule her and find something to school her on. 

 

Incredible how this dynamic never dies. 

 

                                    

 

 

Edited December 25, 2023 by Reena