Seductive Coitus - my feminine feelings

[Reena]

I get turned on by certain things. Like? 

 

- someone who humiliates me during sex

 

- someone who controls me but only slightly. 

 

- someone who commands me. My submissive nature yields very well. 

 

 

- someone who shames me. This depends on the level of mental intimacy created prior to the shaming incident. Strangers shaming me is not appealing but repulsive. 

 

 

- someone who knows how to own me during an argument and is headstrong. 

 

. -  someone who is deeply caring and sympathetic. He should alternate his ownership behavior with some caring attitude sprinkled in between. 

 

 

Maybe I have some masochism in me who knows. 

[Reena]

Why do I get turned on by men who bully me? 

 

Maybe their authoritarian nature appeals to some shadow instinct in me????? I don't know. 

 

It's toxic to not expect reciprocality. 

 

 

 

I feel like I am writing a recipe for a narcissist in the post above. 

 

 

 

[Reena]

Sometimes whatever I'm describing in the couple of posts above can be described as negging.. But it's typically narcissistic. 

 

[Reena]

I have to remind myself that even if I'm attracted to some toxic behaviors in the opposite sex as it generates more sexual tension, polarity and magnetism, I shouldn't forget the term reciprocation. 

Even if a person is less than ideal, they can still reciprocate my love. Reciprocation is a sign of emotional investment. The immaturity can be dealt with unless it's on some awful level. 

 

 

[Reena]

I've noticed a pattern in my sexuality, attraction and relationships. 

That I should be aware of. 

 

I'm attracted to the following types of loves and romances. 

 

 

- passionate love 

- obsessed love 

- controlling domineering love 

- sado masochistic love 

- sweet caring sympathizing love 

- sexually seductive love 

- narcissistic love 

-

-

 

 

 

Edited October 28, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

These types of love are close to my heart. I don't want to simply focus on heart attraction alone. 

 

[Reena]

I'm imagining my future husband showing me tremendous amount of passion and love. 

 

He holds me close and kisses me. 

 

 

[Reena]

 

Me : * confused 

My future husband : *covers me with a blanket 

 

Me : *confused stare 

My future husband : * steps closer and holds me 

 

 

 

My future husband : I love you 

Me :  I know. 

 

 

 

My future husband : look into my eyes. 

Me : hmm. 

 

My future husband : if you feel something you just have to say it. 

Me :  don't leave me. 

My future husband : I won't. I love you. 

Me :  *I am cold. 

My future husband : hugs me tight 

Me : * I am feeling weak. 

My future husband : you're in my arms now. 

Me: *still cold 

 

Edited October 29, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

 

Me :  *feels. 

My future husband :  

Me :  

My future husband : 

Me : 

My future husband : 

Me: 

 

[Reena]

 

Me :  *feels. 

My future husband :  you need love. You want to feel loved. You haven't felt that way in a while. You have been sorely neglected by those who should have been protecting you. 

Me : *feels the weight of his words.

My future husband : you belong to me Reena. Only me. 

Me : you're so protective 

My future husband : you need me. It's obvious that you never really loved yourself. 

Me: I feel incomplete without you. 

 

[Reena]

 

Me :  *feels. 

My future husband :  you have to forget Benton 

Me :  why? 

My future husband : I'm your husband. 

Me : I think I'm addicted to him. 

My future husband : yes you're. But it's best to forget him for your peace of mind. Think about us. About me. He didn't do anything for you. I will protect you. I care about you. 

Me:  is this another game where a man convinces me that he loves me.

My future husband :  I really love you. I want to see you happy. 

Me :  my happiness lies with you. 

My future husband : you are a part of me. 

Me : are you a part of me? 

My future husband : yes. 

Me: ok

[Reena]

 

 : : : :     . 

My future husband :  

Me :  

My future husband : 

Me : 

My future husband : 

Me: 

 

 

Me :  I want to die. I  don't want to live. 

 

Me :  I'm not worthy of your love. 

 

My future husband : no. You're. You have a wonderful heart Reena. 

 

Me : I'm good for nothing. If you ever think of leaving me, just give me some poison. I just want to be free. I want to be dead. Because in death there is peace. In death, there is no right or wrong. There is no conflict. 

 

My future husband : we'll live happily together 

 

Me : do you really want me? 

 

My future husband : yes. 

 

 

 

Edited October 29, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

Me :  I want to die. I  don't want to live. 

 

Me :  *feels

 

My future husband :

 

Me :

 

My future husband 

 

Me 

 

My future husband 

 

Me

 

[Reena]

Me :  I want to die. I  don't want to live. 

 

Me :  *feels

 

My future husband : I need you. I want you. Don't give up. 

 

Me : why don't you say things I want to hear? I want your love 

 

My future husband : you're the love of my life. 

 

Me :hmm. 

 

My future husband : you don't understand Reena. These are just words. It's easy to say things. Love is reflected in action. I want to be a good husband to you. Not just lovey dovey castles in the air. 

 

Me: what do you mean? 

 

[Reena]

 

Me : I want to navigate male sexual morality as a woman. 

I want to know what men think is appropriate and not appropriate. I think men stay confused as well. 

 

My future husband : I don't know if I can help you with that. 

 

Me : maybe I'm not getting adequate sex from a guy. 

 

 

[Reena]

 

Me : I think it's forced coitus when consent is not involved. 

 

My future husband : consent itself is a complicated term. 

 

Me : I had a shit load of seductive coitus fantasies but that's not equivalent to lack of consent. 

 

My future husband : seductive coitus is fine. It's your choice. It should always be your choice. Whereas rape doesn't involve that. It's basically the dehumanization and ruination of womanhood. It's without consent and the woman is subjected to trauma and assault. You can agree to seductive coitus with a man of your choice and preference. Yet if you happen to be agreeing to forced coitus that's because of past trauma related to sex or sexual crimes. You have been sedated, subjugated, manipulated, extorted, blackmailed, groomed, violated, assaulted or broken in some form to be able to have accepted it as a "normal." you have either survived in a rape culture or been normalized to the idea of rape. This is usually done by abusive psychos and psychopaths. This is usually very controlling and long term and causes extensive erosion of defense mechanisms in a woman resulting from constant degradation of self esteem and self worth and constant denial of personal autonomy leading to gradual destruction of consent. Basically making you feel weak and vulnerable sexually and then exploiting this vulnerability. 

 

Me : I don't recollect anything specific. Yet I understand what you mean by rape culture and the normalization of forced sex. Especially in patriarchal societies. 

 

 

 

Edited October 30, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

Me : I don't recollect anything specific. Yet I understand what you mean by rape culture and the normalization of forced sex. Especially in patriarchal societies. 

 

My future husband :  that's because you never received enough sexual autonomy in a relationship beyond mere consent. 

 

Me : or is it because of slut shaming and sexual repression when it came to my own desires. Was I slut shaming my own self?

 

My future husband : you definitely don't feel sexually empowered. Your sexuality hinges on feeling horny in the moment but you're unable to command what you really want. Are you scared of something? 

 

Me : one thing I remember very distinctly is the feeling that I could never tell my past boyfriends what I wanted to enjoy sexually because of inherent repression. They would slut shame me and I internalized all that guilt, shame and frustration.

And then there is this morbid rape culture which automatically assumes that a woman invites rape if she wants to be pleasured or appear seductive. 

 

There is this judgemental finger pointing at my character saying - you brought it on yourself because you got drunk with him. You brought it on yourself because you wanted sex. Yea of course I want to enjoy coitus, it doesn't mean that I deserve to be raped. 

 

And in simple terms Mr Future Husband, I ask you, what does "deserve to be raped" even mean? Because I hear it constantly in my culture. Deserve to be raped. It's puzzling to my feminine mind. It's awkward. I don't think there can ever be something remotely close to "deserve to be raped" even for women who are sent to prison. But conventionally and traditionally and historically, rape has always been used as a form of punishment. That if a woman did something undesirable, one way to punish her was to rape her. I never understood it. It's a form of violence. It's just wrong. 

 

 

 

[Reena]

Mr Future Husband : you're right. I don't want this to be too awkward between us.

 

Me : and I want to get to the bottom of what sex and rape and everything in between means and I want to be with the right person doing the right thing and not repeating my past patterns of sexual repression, not feeling sexually liberated, or having to pay a price for this sexual liberation which translates into being called or labeled a slut, bitch, whore, skank, cubt and so many other things that I don't agree with. What is the point of sexual liberation if I have to be labeled a slut as an exchange offer?

 

Mr Future Husband : your sexual frustration is understandable.

 

Me : I have reached a point where even my own family slut shames me. I don't want a husband who slut shames me. I want a husband with an open mind. 

 

Mr Future Husband : the question is how much open? Where's the boundary for this openness? 

 

Me: I don't want to completely protest patriarchal norms because I want to know in my heart that I'm not negating a man's virtues and feelings when it comes to sex. I don't want a man to put up with disrespect when it comes to sex, for example cheating. At the same time I don't want to feel like a sex slave. I want some liberation when it comes to my own sexual instinct. I want to feel like there is nothing wrong if I ask for more. I'm not being a slut.

 

Mr Future husband : haha. Respect. 

 

Me : and you're right about certain things. I have never received enough sex that reaches climax in orgasm. In fact I'm a virgin. So you could sense my desperation. A woman will gather her resources from somewhere. I am not supposed to be silent when it comes to my own needs. I'm slowly realizing the difference between male and female needs and this constant chasm found in patriarchal societies like mine where it's literally impossible to ever express anything sexually without being overtly shamed for it and always settling for low quality content which is a product of male sexual insecurity that they project on women. Instead of saying that "I'm not good enough for this woman in bed" they relegate the tension to "she is just a  slut I don't want to be with." thus degrading her sexuality instead of owning their own lack. 

 

Mr Future Husband : hmm. 

 

Me : because you see it hurts male pride and ego to admit that he isn't good enough in bed. So he will slut shame her instead.

 

Edited October 30, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

My future husband : And.... 

 

Me : I'm done with this male female competition for sex and resources. A female doesn't want to be slut shamed and a male wants to slut shame, who wins this war of morals. I don't know. Now I understand this moral conflict. It's tense but it's understandable. I realize why a man doesn't want to "not slut shame." then it falls on him right? And then male morality, something that women constantly decide to estimate male worth, it's important to men. Can't wrap my head around this. Some men are okay being labeled a "beast" and I don't mean a beast in bed. I mean a literal raping monster. Are those men okay with it? 

 

My future husband : what are you talking about? 

 

Me : let's say I'm an actress in a movie and they tell me to film a rape scene. But they are violating the contract norms. And I scream - "I have agreed to a rape scene, I did not agree to being raped." Do you understand the difference now? Often when a woman is trying to navigate these thin lines when she is labeled a slut, there is this patriarchal male mentality that assumes "she must be okay with being raped. She probably doesn't mind it." Why is that? Why can't it be delineated specifically to what she(I) want/wants? Why can't a woman decide what the rules of the game should be? Who gives him the automatic right to judge her morality without her explicit permission? 

 

Mr Future husband : Wouldn't you call that exploitation? Like it happens in sex exploitation movies? Have you been too much into those scenarios? 

 

Me : Maybe my past experiences revolved around constantly being treated as a piece of meat instead of a woman who wants her sexual desires to be acknowledged. 

 

 

 

[Reena]

My future husband : you want a free boyfriend lol. 

Me :  haha.