Seductive Coitus - my feminine feelings

[Reena]

 

Living off the mercy of an abuser 

 

 

You have been habituated to live off the mercy of an abuser. You have been trained to constantly respond to such behavior. Where you submit and mercy is shown. It's some sort of an abnormal hyper brain neuronal circuit of a training loop that involves feeding and rewarding abusive behavior and the acceptance of such behavior as a survival option and it's normalization as well as internalization. To the point that it has turned into a sexual mental prison in which you must remain as a slave and there will be no survival outside of this prison. As sex is existential and sex leads to procreation, it's a powerful force that keeps you under the influence of tyranny. I'll call this sexual tyranny. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

There are many psychological complexes that are hard to detect. These are apart from mental disorders. Mental disorders definitely impact behaviors and instincts but so do various psychological complexes. Psychos do suffer from them. 

 

I think sexual complexes are possible and these aren't particular mental disorders for example, bdsm cannot be considered a mental disorder. It's a particular fetish, habit, it might have underlying causes yet it's not a full blown mental disorder just a pattern of behavior that is stimulating to inherent sexual intinct. 

 

I think I'll call it ISI or inherent sexual instinct. This is a blueprint like a fingerprint in our brain which is formed by complex factors and whose role is not known. It could be that these isolated patterns inside the brain trigger sexual habits that are stimulating to these instincts. That is this fingerprint inside the brain gets activated upon the replay of such sexual habits triggering horniness and arousal. 

 

[Reena]

Next subject of discussion -

Sexuality as a dark force (keeping a reminder). 

 

[Reena]

Meanwhile I'll have to satisfy my curiousity by simply accepting that I'm a sexual psycho. Just like there are men with harmful sexual tendencies where they want to stalk their partner or they want to play with knives while having sex. 

I don't know about my own fantasies either. 

 

There are words in the English language that describe not so typical behavior as follows - 

I'll call it untoward sexual behavior. 

Other words. 

anomalous

atypical

divergent

wayward

aberrant

freakish

bizarre

eccentric

twisted

distorted

warped

wacko

freaky

kinky

 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 3, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

Brain wound

 

Such abnormal sexual deviance can also be an indication of a brain wound. Some sort of injury due to a traumatic event. A psychologically traumatizing event either in childhood or the subconscious mind. 

 

    Wound healing 

How do you remove a glass splinter stuck under the skin? 

By using tweezers and pliers... Right? 

But it hurts when you're trying to get it out. It hurts really bad. You might be moaning and screaming in pain. But the good part is that you have gotten it removed and it no longer hurts. Abnormal wounds in the brain are like glass splinters. It hurts, the process of dealing with the trauma is very awkward and painful. Yet the final result is total relief. You don't have to carry that wound forever. It's done. It's gone. Once you have healed it, it's never going to bother you again. Sexual healing works like that. It's painful with all these vomit inducing abnormal sexual fantasies. They're coming from that abscess in the brain. They are flowing like blood from a wound. They keep flowing until the healing begins. At some point, it makes no sense why these fantasies are fulfilling and reliving the trauma over and over. It's the subconscious mind's trick to address the underlying pain and embracing that pain. Maybe a way to reduce the pain rather than make it more painful? This is a form of subconscious sabotage. It doesn't hurt when you're already dead

The brain can invent clever manipulations for survival. It consoles the mind that everything is alright. All these cruel fantasies are an acceptance of this consolation. 

 

 

[Reena]

Or maybe the subconscious mind purposely plays out these fantasies to express and draw attention to innermost hidden traumas that could not be expressed in a waking moment. Have you ever thought why your dreams are so weird? Maybe you get weird dreams and intrusive thoughts because of repressed memories or thoughts that never found an open expression or outlet. They were never played. They remained deeply lodged in your subconscious mind forever, and they existed there and you never opened that closet in your brain. Maybe life went by, you were too busy, everything was a blur, you never had a chance to reflect or it just never emerged in your awareness that something is deeply wrong. Our subconscious is secretly gleaning something from our environment without we noticing it. Then these secrets are revealed to us in weird dreams. When you are depressed or stuck in a situation, you're probably unaware of the bylanes in which your mind is wandering, lost and reckless, going through a tunnel, not looking around, not thinking hard enough. It's your friend who can shed some light on your situation since you are living in a bubble, unable to fathom what's going on. It's like a fly on the wall and you never notice it. But that fly is watching all the goings-on.

 

Edited November 3, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

Our subconscious is secretly gleaning something from our environment without we noticing it. Then these secrets are revealed to us in weird dreams. When you are depressed or stuck in a situation, you're probably unaware of the bylanes in which your mind is wandering, lost and reckless, going through a tunnel, not looking around, not thinking hard enough. It's your friend who can shed some light on your situation since you are living in a bubble, unable to fathom what's going on. It's like a fly on the wall and you never notice it. But that fly is watching all the goings-on.

 

It could be possible that these thoughts and indicators are not only expressed in weird dreams but also in hidden sexual fantasies. Maybe, just like the dreams, our sexual desires and fantasies are a portal to the subconscious mind and it's mechanisms and influences. 

[Reena]

Shadow side of Self 

 

Weird dreams and abnormal sexual fantasies can also be a doorway to the shadow side of self. This self is the side that has been either neglected or hated or demonized heavily by our conscious self. For example let's say I hate people who are egotistical. I hold a certain prejudice against them. Let's say I work for a boss who is a mega egotistical guy. In my mind I simply hate him too much. I can never imagine falling in love with him. Yet he begins to flirt with me on a consistent basis. He offers me gifts, rides and other favors. He is constantly trying to show his concern for me. At some point I might not want to hate him as much as I used to. My mind is playing the game of guilt and approval. At one point I hated him. Now my own mind is guilting me for hating him and making me feel awkward. He is playing on this awkwardness by further challenging and fueling my guilt. This process is called "negging" in dating. It's a process of negative or reverse approval. You don't stroke the girl's ego out of an insecurity that she might friendzone you (redpill ideology that believes that women push away nice men or gentlemen because they are tired or bored of the nice guy. He doesn't stimulate them enough). Have you noticed that a fight creates more stimulation than a kiss? " Distance makes the hearts grow fonder." Or calling someone fat can actually make them go to the gym. These are examples of counter intuitive behavior. This means you do the opposite of what you are expected to do. Empathetic people generally engage in intuitive behaviors. They act nice. Not necessarily in a genuine way but they are simply trying to be socially acceptable. Yet jerks earn higher social value than empaths. This is because a "jerk" is seen as a symbol of power. Power is an aphrodisiac. It makes people want to respect a bully. Again this a counter intuitive response to a counter intuitive behavior. You might ask why. The simplest reason is immaturity. When we act like children we unconsciously engage in a lot of counter intuitive behaviors. When we mature we can see through them and we don't foolishly appreciate them. That's why very young girls from the ages of 18-20 usually fall easily to crappy negging gestures as compared to older matured women. With maturity you already know that a person acting like an asshole doesn't hold much promise. It's one of those things where if someone pretends to be wealthy, you believe them because you are too naive. But with maturity you just know how to separate wheat from the chaff. You just know that someone who is rich won't need to brag too much. It'll be visible in their lifestyle. Someone who is pretentious can be easily put to the test. Lure them, bait them. Offer them something expensive. If they're really rich, they would pay for stuff. They won't act desperate. In the day of social media influencers, it's easy to pretend to be mega rich using hired toys. You could have a hired car that's expensive. You could show your friend's stuff and make it look like it's your own. But when you investigate deeper, you set up traps where you acquire documents or official sources or make the person pay in cash, you just know if a person is lying or exaggerating their finances. You just know they are bragging. Pictures and videos are no indication of reality. You gotta live with that person and see their lifestyle to know if they are being truthful. You could check their call records. You could check their phones or ask their friends about their sources of income. A similar situation happened to a rich actress in my country who was duped by a guy who was pretending to be rich. She didn't know the reality. He turned out to be a leech. He pretended to be rich in order to get her to marry him. The reality hit her only after she married him. He had told his friends that he was planning to scam her and take all her money. He made her pay for his investments and debts. With promises that he would pay back later or false hopes of higher profits. She lost a lot of money that she never got back from him. She was duped. This is because of immaturity on her part to believe his obvious lies and manipulations. It was very obvious that a man who flaunts his wealth so openly was bogus from the get go, it was visible in his desperation to marry her. He hadn't produced any official record of his wealth other than just verbally bragging about it, she never bothered to actually check his background, his friends and blindly believed his lies. A cursory background check (which was quite easy and which she did during court proceedings of divorce and fraud, she should have done that before she agreed to marry him) would have saved her not only a ton of money but also all the mental anguish she had been through. He was known to have scammed rich women by pretending to be rich himself and making them pay for his projects and expenses under the disguise of investments like ponzi schemes. This was his actual work. This is how he made lots of money. His friends testified against him for conning them and exposed his web of deceit. But all of this could have been done long ago. All she needed was a dose of logic and skepticism. Unfortunately immature people never put a lot of rationality, logic, cognition or intellect in their decisions. Either they act out of emotion or counter intuitive instinct. Immature people believe or rather like to believe what's not true. Narcissists and charlatans and jerks take advantage of this. So if a man brags about his power or wealth, immature people will not only believe him but also begin to respect him. Worship him. It's true that Jerks receive respect for being jerks. Yet they don't earn the trust and respect of the best people. The kind of people who respect jerks are too insecure and weak themselves. Strong, wise, mature, stable minded people are not easy to impress. Cheap gimmicks don't work for them. Counter intuitive behaviors such as negging only work on people who are foolish and immature combined with some low self esteem. But how do these actually work? What's the modus operandi? 

It's like this - the guilt works against our prejudice. This guilt creates a need to seek approval. The need for approval is socially programmed in humans. We want to feel appreciated. As a result, we try to impress the person who is trying to insult us or mock us. We do this subconsciously by wanting to feel special to them, this creates an artifical illusion that they are important or admirable, thus pushing us to respect them or even fall in love, a popular strategy called negging works on this principle. 

 

[Reena]

Shadow side of Self

 

In the previous post I was trying to explain the example of the egotistical boss. Let's say I hate him. Emotions of love, hate, dismissal, approval are pretty strong and work intensely on our mindset. It's best to never hold these emotions or at least be cognizant of them. When you have hate and prejudice, it's easy to replace it with love through the pathway of guilt. We try to compensate and sometimes overcompensate. Overcompensating the guilt of hating my boss can involve me wanting to appreciate him, this appreciation later turning to love. I could fall in love with him. So much so that I might begin to overcompensate by almost pandering and hero worshipping him. Why does this happen? 

•  

The answer lies in my subconscious and human psychology pathways. The egotistical boss appeals to my shadow side. He is triggering strong emotions in me. My empathy for him is overdue. There could be many possibilities here - 

 

• Maybe I want to reconcile with my shadow by falling in love with him. 
• Maybe I want to Conquer him so that it helps me feel like I conquered something I felt I couldn't dominate 
• Maybe I feel guilty for hating him 
• Maybe I'm relishing a bittersweet love hate relationship with him
• Maybe this conflict is giving me sexual arousal and building up sexual tension 

The important part to remember here is that all of the above reasons are directly and indirectly tied to my shadow subconscious. The shadow I have against him is triggering a variety of mechanisms of either sabotage, relief, compensation or cope. The frustration from such intense cognitive conflict (sometimes also called cognitive dissonance) is itself responsible for a lot of these emotional and mental gymnastic tricks. The mind is a trickster. To achieve homeostasis it will literally do anything.. . And that's what the mind does. It plays a host of tricks to make us feel less guilty or uncomfortable of our shadows. Either we try to engage in cope and rebuttal or we look for confirmation bias to bolster our negative feelings. Empaths generally look for cope or replacement or resolution whereas narcissists look for ways to reconfirm their prejudice. That's why a lot of narcissists can be racists and sexists too since they don't wish to deviate from their traditional biases. 

 

Edited November 3, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

Sexual urges and shadow side of Self 

 

At this point, I should stop calling it sexual fantasies. Maybe I should call it sexual urges. Because I don't intricately create them. They come out of the Blue. Like urges. Intense urges. Could these be related to my shadow side? 

 

Is my brain craving to fall in love? Does my brain subconsciously believe that this is fundamental to my growth? There's definitely a belief factor involved. 

I do place a lot of importance on relationships growth wise. I believe that much of my emotional growth happened simply through relationships. I learned valuable lessons. Critical things. A partner can tell you a lot of things you don't know about yourself. They can correct your flaws. They can fix your problems. They can make you look in the mirror. And obviously they help you develop maturity. Just being in the company of another human is not only refreshing, relieving but also enlightening. Although relationships can be a massive waste of time, it's a gem in a haystack situation. You lose a lot. Yet you gain something so valuable that it would have taken you an eternity to have that growth, probably impossible in a lifetime. A relationship can quickly expose all your limitations and flaws depending on the person you bond with. Relationships can ground us. 

 

The need for relationships is only sexual, but also emotional and mental. The need for sex could be so basic and intrinsic that maybe we don't realize the role of this need in our drive to find partners. I'll call it the psycho-sexual mind or PSM. A unique mental state and pattern that governs the kind of partners we attract. Maybe this is an unconscious process. What draws us closer to our next partner? What makes us feel attracted to them? Why does their presence make us horny? Why them and not someone else? 

 

It's hard to know these answers. Maybe we like their smile. Maybe we like how they talk to us. Maybe we like their eyes, body, face, physical appearance and structure. Maybe we like their chemistry. It's confusing. It could be many things. If you want to fall in love after careful assessment and spending loads of time together, you might end up with a matured wiser partner but you have carefully deducted the role of the subconscious in this process... This is by no means spontaneous attraction. Spontaneous attraction is like a dream, it simply happens. You let nature take its course. This is the most risky way to fall in love, not the wisest, yet it has its own unique gifts. You pay the price, you earn the reward. Analyzing these spontaneous relationships will give you abundant clues to the attraction patterns in your subconscious. Risk taking is a double edged sword-both good and bad. The reward requires you to trace the kind of relationships you had, what you liked about the person, what made them click with you. For example, I was attracted to my first boyfriend because he was very Domineering. I wanted someone who would lead me. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

Some clues. It's difficult. I know. I have to analyze the overall pattern of my relationships to get a few clues. 

I think to understand attraction patterns I'll have to draw a composite sketch. A composite blueprint or fingerprint. 

I'll call this fingerprint Psycho Sexual Cultural Environmental Fingerprint. 

 

PSCEF. 

 

Psycho - this factor relates to your personal psychology. Your inherent thoughts, ideas, beliefs, shadows and your temperament. This could be independent of your culture or environment. 

 

Sexual - your sexual urges and patterns. Although there is no stringent evidence linking sexual urges and fetishes to your attraction, there might be a possibility of a link. 

 

Cultural - your culture and it's typical dating pattern. How does your culture and movies depict falling in love, what's the vibe? 

 

Environmental - your childhood and upbringing influences the kind of people that you're attracted to. 

 

Edited November 3, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

Other things to consider. What attracted you to that person in the first place? What's in the relationship that is attracting you? If your relationship has failed, what are the causes of failure? 

 

 

[Reena]

The problem is that you have extremely high standards for a relationship. 

In that case, either look for someone who satisfies them or simply stay single. 

If you lower your standards you might meet someone but they would end up hurting you in some way and if you aren't prepared for that "hurt" or setback, then that's a huge risk on your emotional health. 

In reality, I suffered a lot by lowering my standards. Just too much suffering. I had to deal with cheaters, people who aren't loyal or committed, people who had no value for my feelings, people who mistreated me in the relationship, verbally abusive guys, emotionally abusive men who trigger negative emotions in you of anger and disgust, guys who had little respect for other's humanity, guys who were liars and basically scammy, guys who financially exploited me, guys who used me for their sex needs and the list goes on and on. You begin to lose trust in humanity. Then there are the good men. But these men are often not able to create a decent romantic vibe, they are just too weak, they don't even talk because they lack social skills, it's impossible to love them because they can't establish a chemistry necessary for romantic bonding. And the guys who possess such ability are generally psychopaths because they are well trained in charming people, especially women. The average guy is a good guy but he can't excite you enough. It's the same problem that men can face with women. They might like a hot girl but she could be too much drama or they could be with a woman who is not attractive enough but she is a good woman, yet she fails to turn them on. Charm is a quality that creates a powerful vibe in a relationship yet this is a quality that mostly sociopathic and psychopathic people hold on to. It's their favorite weapon to get what they want out of people. 

 

So I'll list a group of virtues I need to look out for - 

- high standards 

- charm 

-emotional intelligence and logic 

- character / moral values 

- commitment 

- spiritual connection 

[Reena]

 

So I'll list a group of virtues I need to look out for - 

 

- high standards (both me and him). A guy who has low standards for women is not going to be a quality guy. Don't lower your own standards either(ever). 

 

- charm (he should be able to create a romantic vibe) 

 

-emotional intelligence and logic 

 

- psychological and sexual compatibility. He should be sexually compatible with me. Psychologically on the same plane as me. Psycho sexual compatibility 

 

-  fully transparent and honest 

 

- character / moral values /moral integrity 

 

- commitment 

 

- spiritual connection /intuitive /soulmate 

 

 

 

[Reena]

Last night I had this dream that I was with a psycho boyfriend or lover. He had kidnapped me and held me hostage. Yet he was caring and loving but he didn't want me to leave 

 

[Reena]

I felt like my destiny was attached forever with this psycho lover. Only he could understand me. Only he could establish that closeness with me. He could love me. He could fuck me. He could understand my deepest instincts 

 

[Reena]

Me : why did you trap me?

My psycho lover : I love you. I need you. I wanted you to love me.

 

Me : I was in pain.

My psycho lover : I know.

 

 

Edited November 4, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

 

 

The virgo / Leo stalker. 

 

 

[Reena]

Lmao. 

 

[Reena]

In the dream I'm wearing a sling bag.