Seductive Coitus - my feminine feelings

[Reena]

What if I used attraction methods and got Benton for myself. What if my dreams came true and Benton and I became one forever? 

 

 

[Reena]

What if my dreams are fulfilled? 

[Reena]

He loves me. He loves me. He loves me. 

[Reena]

I love you Benton. 

[Reena]

Benton I would have done everything in the world to impress you. 

I really love you. I cannot stand to offend you. You truly are the love of my life. 

[Reena]

I imagined a temple priest making love to me. It felt weird because he was controlling. At the same time, I felt a sense of calm come over me. I felt he loved me in a different way. His love was controlling. He was cold. 

[Reena]

I'm focusing on passion. 

 

[Reena]

P appeared in my dreams again. 

[Reena]

Things are good for the time being but I don't feel productive. 

[Reena]

Lately I'm beginning to hate men a bit too much. I'm seeing /feeling, noticing the massive surge in my feelings of pure hate and vitriol, bitterness and saltiness against men inside me. To the point that I might completely abolish the presence of a man in my life. And just stay single for the rest of my life. 

If you are wondering why this hate against men, just to clarify that it has nothing to do with feminist related material. I have never cared to read any of that. So no, I'm not brainwashed. 

 

The real reason I feel is that every time I talk to a man, I'm constantly having to deal with their air of superiority and it's getting  very annoying to the point of anger raging in me. In my mind the thought that arises is - "who the f do you think you are? Why do you feel so supreme and make me feel so small?" 

 I feel like a subordinate or secretary next to a man and I don't want to feel like second fiddle. I don't want that feeling where I constantly submit or pander to a man, to his fragile ego and my own authority is suppressed. Of course I can show my own power, but then it leads to arguments, fights and eventually I feel like I must leave for the sake of my own ego. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm usually very easy going and submissive in my relationships and dealings with men. So it's not like I try to be nasty on purpose or try to dominate. 

Nothing like that. I know it can feel very draining to be dominated by someone so I never tried to dominate any of the men in my past relationships. 

Yet I was always a bit attracted to dominating men due to polarity 

 

But something about all of this has begun to rub me the wrong way. The more submissive I become, the more I feel being kicked in the gut. I feel men can't control their own domination, especially dominant men. The more I succumb to their pressure, it doesn't seem like it gets better or I earn any respect or reward, it only gets worse, like I get treated even worse, dominated more, which kind of  begins to border on slowly eroding my basic core self respect and I reach a point where I feel "enough is enough" and my ego and blood pressure begins to go up from there and then I'm done trying to play nice. Of course this is not my authentic side. Maybe I'm just trying to please the man. Although my authentic side is not dominant either. I'm pretty submissive most of the time. It's just that the bar is not very high. So when the threshold is crossed, I begin to get nervous and then I lash out in pure hatred and anger and rage. Because I get upset that my submission wasn't respected. The ugly ego in me begins to surface when I feel like I have had enough. Then I'm reminded of feminist principles where I feel like I if I hold my own power, that would be far better. 

 

I've seen this fluctuating dynamic from feeling fragile, submissive, passive, loving to surging to anger, power, hate, empowerment, self assertion even in my past relationships. 

It's like initially I'm quite passive. But as the man begins to exert more control over my decisions and feelings, I slowly transform from a goat into a lioness. My entire demeanor changes and I begin to roar my self assertion. I feel like my self respect being challenged. 

 

Once I reach this point in a relationship or an interaction, that man loses value in my eyes and then I never look at that man again, that is I remove him from my life for good. 

 

Once I hate a man, the game is over. I hold a permanent grudge and gripe. I'm never even going to  bother to put my trust into the same man again. 

I don't like soured grapes. If a tiff has happened, I'm just jutting off for good to never come back. It's like a "cut the cord" moment. 

 

How do I resolve my man hate? 

Lately it has been tough. I'm constantly getting this feeling that I should be done with men for good. 

 

Also I don't feel like being submissive has any real reward. Of course I can't be dominating because I don't have that bone in me. Mostly I just recoil into my inner world and become avoidant. So it's neither submissive nor dominant state.

 

Is this the best way to carry forward in my life? To avoid men altogether? 

 

Sorry if this triggers anyone. Honesty is my intent in this post. 

 

Thanks in advance for any suggestions. 

[Reena]

I feel relieved after venting. 

[Reena]

What's the most annoying shit ever? 

No clue. 

[Reena]

Usually I don't hate men. But it's one of those things where my hate and anger rise to a level when I feel it's not fair to continue to dominate me or control my decisions even when I'm being polite. 

The problem with narcissistic people is that politeness is not a language they understand. They take it as weakness and use it against you pulling you down further. Because they have a predatory instinct. 

 

[Reena]

I dealt with narcissistic abuse my entire life. I dealt with gaslighting my whole life. 

 

[Reena]

I'm squiring lol. I'm healing my sexual repression. 

 

[Reena]

I wanted to wear bangles. 

[Reena]

 

 

 

Edited October 18, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

I gave you my everything. I gave you my pussy. At least subconsciously. Now I don't feel like I want to sleep with another man. It feels like a sin. As though you're the owner of my pussy now. I will feel like a slut if I have to see another guy. I know that subconsciously you'll be angry if I sleep with another man even if we aren't together anymore. I don't want to make you angry. I don't want to disappoint you. You still own me. 

 

This is such a sexy song. Crazy dance moves 

 

 

Edited October 19, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

In love I want to be true to myself and I want to be true to others. No goal, no agenda. Just pure love. 

 

My heart is pure. 

 

[Reena]

I ask myself - what is the essence of being feminine? 

 

                                  

 

 

                                     

 

 

Edited October 20, 2023 by Reena