Philipp

Thank you for the replies, I apreciate everyone who took the time! It is hard for to process a lot of this information, and I trie to start by make use of the most important. If I feel better I could engage with more of it. My priority is to move past the feelings of fear, grief, worthlessness, uncertainty (lots of that) and guilt. It seems somewhat working that aligning my thoguhts with those feelings and accepting those emotions can make the suffering a little bit less. Still what confuses me is that I very much would like to not be stuck at the bottom of the emotional scale. Yet I got the impression that aslong as align myself with those feeling there is nothing to be improved. Also except exercise, nutrition and some meditation, I got the impression that you were saying nothing else matters. Moving out does not matter. Working does not matter, etc. Did I mistunderstand this? Also are desires (=dreamboard) just there to create a change in scenery without any actual effect OR do they actually allow yourself to move up the emotional scale? I have a lot of questions regarding Leo/ Leos teaching, the use of psychedelics and mystical experiences such as ego death, but I have to focus on feeling better first.

@Phil There is a pressure in my to accept myself fully and completly. A pressure to accept myself for exactly what I am. Maybe even a pressure to let go of myself. This pressure is seems to be linked to a deep pain/fear. I am scared of the the pressure and the pain (it makes everything so meaningless, it seems to block me from everything, never able to genuinly connect and love something.) I feel so empty, I have become scared of suicide. I don't feel ready or capable at all to face this pressure. I am living with my parents. I have no financial stability. I have not routines. I have no place to exercice, ground myself, be alone. I have no guidance and I become extremely distrutful towards Leo. I could never forgive myself to kill myself. It would be the ugliest thing I have ever done. Causing my mother, father, brother, family and some friends this pain. But this pressure seems so much stronger than me, unbeatable. I feel so lost and scared. Causing my mother and father this pain feels unbearable. A week ago I felt some much pressure I told my parents everything. I told my mother that this might be it. I feel so sorry for having said that to her. To this day, she is behaving oddly (trying to be nice to me, but you can see a part of her is complete terror). My mother herself was depressed. To some extant my experience is triggering her deep wound, yet she was never able to trully heal her problem and I don't think she will ever be able to. I will only make her more miserable than she ever was. it feels like I am either loving everything or I will be forced to love nothing. But I absolutly no idea, all I feel this pressure and a complete disconnection from everything. Moving out and living alone could make the pressure become even stronger and even more brutal. I wanted to share this with someone who might understand. Thank you!

@Blessed2 I followed Leo since I was pretty young, now I am 27. I felt like the spiritual teachings to some extant where forced upon me. I was kind of addicted to his videos, but had no real desire for any of this.

Thanks for the reply! I do try to not feel the need to change anything, but at the same time I have the feeling that living with my parents is very toxic for me. My mother was/is depressed when I was a child, and I have the feeling she was a devouring mother. I don't want to feel so connected to her. So do I need to change something then? I don't feel convinced that not trying to change things is the right aproach. Should a slave just accept his slavitude or who should he never give up on the hope and fight for freedom. It makes me exrtemly scared. To disassociate from myself like this. To think my thoughts are not my own. There is a scary thought, that the only thing to save me at this point is some spiritual miracle (something like Eckhart Tolle), which makes very disencouraged that I will make it out. I don't want some intense spiritual awakening, I just want to feel a little bit more joyful, stable, safe. I just want to love myself more. But I don't want some permanent shift in my identity. I am also scared of becoming shizophrenic (not being able control my thoughts and disas). The suicidal aspect comes in when I feel extremly bad. Instead of trying to love myself (or my ego), I kind of give up and try to force myself to completly disassociate from myself. Trying to ask myself (who am I?) whilst feeling absolutly terrible. I feel extremly scared.

Hello I am in a state of very bad depression (I can sleep at all, I am scared of loosing my mind, I am compelty paralysed in life living with my parents with no job) Some question which I have is: How much meditation is good? Is it bad to try to meditate for long hours? How important is work? How important is to change your circumstances (moving out, trying to work, etc.)? How important is therapy? Is journaling good enough? How important is nature, pleasant experiences? ( Since I gotten depressed the noise of the city is very displeasant, when moving out I could chose between living closer to nature or closer to work, friends, family. I have a hard time choosing between these two options) Should you seek enlightenment when depressed? (This tends to make me suicidal) Any overal advice? Sorry the hard post. Thank you for advice.

Hello A breakup has triggered a complete downfall of my psyche for 2 years. I had a little bit of a comeback, but it did not lead anywhere and now I am back at the start. The symptoms are intense: Suicidal episodes (including believing that only some spiritual miracle can save me - trying to reject my mind) Complete Insomnia ( My mind is so crisp. My awareness has a very hard time to move freely. My mind does not want to let go in order to fall asleep. I am extremly fatigued but feel rarely tired. I cant sleep at all. This had gotten better but it got worse again now. ) +the usual depressed symptoms Since I cant sleep I am extremly tempted to use "medication". Benzodiazipines can usually make me fall asleep. Depression medication has potentially helped me a year ago, but I am extremly skeptical of the overall effect it has Does anyone have a solid opinion on wheter depression medication is only a barrier to healing OR if it can enable it Thank you for advice