Blessed2

Luckily, I'm young enough to not be exposed for leaded gasoline. 😁 There isn't lead in gasoline anymore, it's been banned before the 2000s.

Something came to mind about drugs and drug abuse... I remember always being kind of interested in drugs for some reason, even as a child. Even before teenage I somehow kind of suspected that I'd have some addiction troubles at some point. Probably because there was some alcoholics in my family line. Maybe I kind of identified with it, saw it as some sort of karma to burn through or something. I remember googling all sorts of drugs, their effects and stuff like that when I was still just a kid. Learned that drugs are not all the same, that basically any substance that affects psychological state is a drug. I even saw caffeine as a drug, even though most people around didn't. They kind of washed it off as "just a normal thing, not a drug, yeah it makes you alert, but it's just coffee." Since something so usual as coffee is a drug, then why was some other drugs so bad and illegal, and others legal and normal? Drugs have been used in all cultures, at all times. It's very common for human beings, perhaps even essential in some ways. But these days drugs are seen as very, very bad. Probably because the drugs we all know today are really addictive and horrible stuff, like opioids and amphetamines. It's very strong stuff. So we see anyone taking them as broken, sick or even immoral. Though it's probably in some way quite natural for humans to want to get high and change their state at times. But this isn't really acknowledged in our modern world. 🤔 We often see being high as "running away from reality or our problems". Though I dare say that it's not so simple. I'd say when people go to clubs to dance, party, and take some drugs, is that somehow not life? Is that running away, or running toward? - I remember learning that even gasoline is a drug, that you can breathe the fumes and it makes you high. Naturally, I had to try it because I was so interested in that stuff and gasoline was easy to find. Literally in the shed right outside. I was maybe 10-12 years old. I just opened the tank and started breathing it in. It smelled kind of good. Took a few deep breaths, until started feeling a bit lightheaded. Then, started feeling really weird. Weird sensations, tingling in the body. Felt a bit like fainting. But then something really weird happened, like mystical shit. Crazy powerful deja vu. I knew everything before it happened. I remember walking outside the shed and my mother was there, looking at me. I think she was going somewhere, she was about to take the car. She said something to me, and I already knew what she was about to say. I just watched her in silence, didn't answer her question. Then she just laughed and said something like "Roope is once again a bit out-there". Then, the high just wore off quite quickly and I had horrible headache. The end. Always kind of wondered if that gasoline fume broke something in me, maybe the mental health problems are somehow due to me breaking my brains that day? (Warning: don't breathe gasoline fumes. It's very dangerous, you could die pretty much instantly. It's extremely harmful for your body and brain.)

@Faith Thanks 🙏🙏

Sorry to hear that. That sucks. For me, the depressive mood never really gave any suicidal ideation. It was always more like kind of despair, lack of joy, lack of appreciation etc. I'd say never severe depression, more like low or mid-range. For me, the worst came from drug abuse that followed. Alcohol and weed. That was scary time, as I like actually got hooked. It's a very scary thing to lose the control. I remember just watching my legs walk to the store to buy the booze, as if I had no choice. I had no willpower, the craving was so huge. There was a period of about two years where I smoked or drank almost every day. Spent hundreds every month just to get high or drunk. Eventually there was a mushroom trip which kind of ended the drug abuse. It was such a painful, terrifying trip that I'm actually scared to take any substances anymore. The trip kind of uncovered suicidal ideation, but it was more like in a deluded/psychotic thought-pattern type of a deal. The years of despair and suffering kind of culminated here, leading to ideas like "I need to prove I'm egoless and brave enough by committing suicide" or "this life is a hellish dream and I need to get out ASAP by suicide". Started seeing "secret messages" around me, in books, in movies and news that was trying to tell me how I need to commit suicide. Pretty psychotic stuff. Had to spend some in psych ward and take antipsychotics. Eventually, in about a year, things started to get better, mostly thanks to Abraham Hicks and Phil. Today I'm almost kinda thankful for the trip. Starting to see why it happened. It was really just like a culmination and an uncovering of the desperation and discordant beliefs I was holding. Still letting go those beliefs and desperation, though I won't be going back to drug abuse or suicidal delusions. I'm not sure actually. There might be an insight/uncovering somewhere here. Perhaps I see spirtuality and mental health kind of as the same thing. I remember when I was a teenager and started "thinking for myself", I saw that pretty much all the adults around me was somehow fucked up, just like me. Sure, they were grown ups, they had jobs, they weren't depressed or anything like that. But still, they got angry, they got frustrated, they had fights, they got really mad if I didn't clean up my room etc. Were they actually even happy? So naturally, they must have missed something. I didn't want to be a grown-up like that, I wanted to be truly happy, I wanted to be blessed, eternally happy. So depressed or not, if you aren't blessed, you are mentally ill the same for me. 🤔

🙏 I've been to therapy before. It was quite good, but a bit expensive so it couldn't continue anymore. I do actually have a depression diagnosis and I take medication for it. But to be honest, I see my situation more as a spiritual search than a mental health issue, though it does have some mental health stuff along. And even if it was depression... What then? That makes me feel despair. Depression seems something that is almost impossible to heal.

I don't understand what I should do. Why is it so hard to feel better? I very rarely actually enjoy my time. If someone would invite me to a party or picnic, I would be so stuck in thoughts and unfocused & uncomfortable that it wouldn't really be enjoyable or relaxing, even though I'd like it to be. This all seems so impossible. Am I sick? Do I have ADHD or something? It's so unfair. I see people enjoying their time, having walks and being present. But I can't do that. I'm always uncomfortable. It's wearing me off. How nice it would be just to wake up in the morning, eat breakfast and look out the window, and actually enjoy it?

Everything was going quite well. But now I'm feeling bad. Really don't see a way how anything could feel better. Future seems shit. I've tried so many things. Maybe I don't have what it takes. I'm disgusted about myself. I'm disgusted about the thoughts that appear. So tired of trying to feel better. Fuck I'm really so tired of this. I can't do this anymore. I have to find a way. I fucking hate the way I am and the way I think. I can't focus. Maybe I have ADD or something, but I don't want a damn diagnosis or pills. I'm so tired all the time. I don't have energy for anything. Can't keep the house clean. Can't enjoy simple things. I'm tired of literally just from existing and doing nothing. Yeah I know, meditate, eat clean, exercise... I would have done that years ago if I had what it takes, but I don't. I'm too lazy, too tired. Each time I hear someone say that I need to do those things, I feel even worse. Doing pushups or running really just makes me feel like shit and eventually I'll just be disappointed because I fail that too. It's so unfair. Yeah, would be cool to enjoy stuff like nature or playing music etc. But I don't. It's easy for people who like that stuff. But I don't have anything I'm really passionate about or anything that I'm really interested about. Makes me think there's something wrong with me, that I'm simply not a fit for this world. Nothing here excites me. Everything really seems more like a disappointment and a let-down. It's fucking boring and disappointing. Disgusting. I washed everything off the dreamboard a few days ago and started filling it up again, because I noticed it really does seem to work and I could have anything. Though as I tried to find things I'd really like to have, nothing really came up. I don't even want anything!?!? I could have anything in this world and nothing comes up?? WTF? What is wrong with me? Am I really just broken or something? How am I supposed to enjoy creation and creating if I nothing exciting or enjoyable even comes to mind?!? Fuck this, who decided to make me go through this horrible nonsense?

@Phil Oh okay... Things might be clarifying... So... Holy Ghost (that which is not) (Shiva!!) vibrationally appears as two spheres, Father and Son. I might have before mixed up what the spheres mean... Could it be said that Father is Being/Actuality, and Son is kind of Being/Actuality spread across, as what looks like a world of time and space and people and stuff like that? Which one is Actual Boundless Here This and which one is the Actual Here This but seems/appears as like a lot of stuff and things? .. Jeez, my heart is bounding fast. Really looking inward here.

Trying to figure out how this works with ACIM... So the Son (lens, or projector, small mind) forgets since appearing as the lens, thus in it's forgetting projects all kinds of crazy separation-guilt-shame-fear based stuff on the Father (screen, big mind). The Father ain't really the forms and colours, but white boundless screen. (Quantum field, maybe?) Holy Ghost is being the spheres, being the whole shebang. We only ever feel as our true self, we only ever feel as holy ghost. Hence, when the Son is acting kinda poorly in his forgetfulness, holy ghost 'comes' as emotional guidance, to remind?

@Mandy @Phil I'm wondering about the Holy Spirit. 'The Son' seems to point to what is seen (the lenses?) 'The Father' seems to point to unseen (infinite) But what about 'The Holy Spirit'? Is this perhaps the emotional guidance...?

Damn. That's metal.

A question. I wonder if I write simply how I feel and what's in my mind, even if it's negative, doesn't that kind of then align with what is not wanted? Is writing and language not creative? If I write about how bad I've been feeling lately, and what I'm worried or scared of, am I not then in the process of manifesting those things?

How on earth is anyone supposed to live a life where you will eventually experience infinite amount of horrible, hellish things, and also be eternally alone (solipsism)? No-one could ever swallow that. It's impossible. In other words, we aren't supposed to swallow it. It isn't true. If it was, we wouldn't feel like shit about it. This ideology is toxic and your feeling is saying "don't ingest it!". Though some people might want you to believe it's the truth, and shove it down your throat, because they want you to think you are a scared shitless little baby who can't handle truth, and they are big dick fearless ironman who eats it for breakfast.

Sometimes people feel unworthy. They might have internalized that for example, having a small penis is shameful, not enough for sexually pleasing others, and generally unworthy, not masculine and powerful enough. Sometimes rather than allowing oneself to feel the guidance of how unworthiness and shame feels like (discord), the emotional guidance is averted. This is thought-attachment. Thought-attachment might look like depression, addiction, even psychosis. Or it might look like ideology, philosophical, conceptual jungle of beliefs and narratives. In regard of believing small penises are unworthy and shameful, one might really go deep into all kinds of philosophies and ideologies about how dicks need constant measuring and how one needs to prove everyone how big their dick is. Dick measuring contests. And of course, in order to avert the guidance of feeling unworthiness or shame, and to uphold the thought-attachment, judgement and projection, one often kind of has to get others to play the same game, with the same rules. There needs to be others (smaller) dicks to be measured in order to have the biggest dick. The thing is with these dick-measuring contests, that one will never have a dick big enough. The contest never satisfies because it's rooted in duality and projection. So one constantly takes all sorts of penis-growth pills, and then declares their dick has once again grown an inch or two. Though this is completely irrelevant. Eventually true peace and 'light' is found in acknowledging the feeling of unworthiness and shame, authentic expression, letting go and healing.

What do you mean by this? I don't understand. Can you put it in a diffetent way?

Yup, I read it too a while ago and it's really good. Sermon of the Mount in Gospel of Matthew seems quite good too. There is some weird stuff that I think is probably added for social control, like adultery and divorce, but there are some great parts there. What Jesus shared is pretty much the same as Actuality of Being, lol.

I took a peek at it and it seems awesome. I actually migt buy this one. If not for the trip, some time later. Thank you!!!

I'm going to backbacking a whole month this summer, and I'd like to have one or two good books with me. I'm looking for stuff that really shines the light, something that open doors and truly makes you feel better and aligned. I'm probably going to take the Gospel of Thomas with me. I also thought of Rupert Spira's You Are The Happiness You Seek, but it's quite expensive to ship to my country. Any recommendations? I'm looking for something poetic and uplifting, something to really taste the truth.

@fopylo If you want to take a look at what I'd say is probably one of the best examples of true leadership in this world, check out Neem Karoli Baba. Read stories of him. "When the flower blooms, bees come" "You love me because I love you." "Serve the poor and remember God. You become one with Christ." "You can leave me. I won't leave you. Once I catch hold of you, I don't let go."

INFP-A here.

Where/what is the border between you & her hand, and you & her intention to heal?

Damn, this guy is carrying some heavy baggage. The thing is, the stuff he says isn't some newly discovered crazy spiritual insight or achievement. I used to think this stuff was only possible in some DMT trip, but really it's quite ordinary on the path to be honest. What he talks about in that video is quite usual for 'spiritual people'. The only difference is that he seems to think his trips and experiences are somehow impossible to 'reach' without psychedelics and 'years of work', without 'reaching highest levels'. This is all conceptualization and useless narratives. The trueasure is in letting go of conceptualization and narratives. Literally just go for a walk in a forest, listen to some music and maybe do some maha mudra or carry a crystal. Visionary and mystical states will come. And that's not even so important. What the real juice is, is the feeling of alignment.

@Lotus @Phil @Mandy Do you guys think this Reiki or energetic healing stuff can be directed on immaterial objects, or even places? Me and my girlfriend were thinking about going around our city, visiting every playground, just for fun. I started thinking that it would be interesting to kinda do some sort of blessing for each playground. For the kids and their families, for anyone using the parks. Eventually this would create a whole ass blessing grid around the city. We are also going for an interrail trip across europe next summer. Maybe we could do the same thing for each city we visit, spreading across the entire continent. 🤔

I am not talking about a my silence or a your silence, or a Buddhas silence. And not silence tomorrow. Silence now.

IMO there is some misunderstanding in this part. The answer is silence, alignment. Inexpressible. 🤔 Something from the west, Jesus: “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples." @Aware Wolf @Lotus @Mandy @Phil Thanks for the responses 🙏🙏 The first one, that there is suffering or dukkha, is being realized I think. There is in fact suffering, which doesn't really mean simply feeling bad, but is 'discord'. And that there is suffering seems "off". Something has been forgotten/misunderstood. Maybe it's just a simple mistake, like just an "oops" from my part. Surely, it must be possible to not suffer. Why not?