spiritual dreams

My job has been super stressful as of late. They extended my probation because my performance wasn't good enough. Lately it's been so stressful that it is taking a huge toll on my mental health. Even my physical health has deteriorated as I've gained a few pounds and I have less energy during the day. All my motivation for the job is gone and replaced with a depressed apathy. I honestly would have quit if the job market wasn't so shit. It's annoying because the job itself is actually incredibly interesting, it's just the constant overwhelming pressure to perform and never ending negative perfectionistic feedback that ruins it for me. I can't believe something I was so passionate about could end up being to terrible. Is this my life now?

@Phil idk maybe i just really want a gf 😂 Idk rejection is definitely thing that can happen... Otherwise the world would be so much easier🤣

@Orb societal conditioning I guess

@Mandy I know logically that this is true and yet my feelings and my parts make rejection seem like the end of the world. There is even a part of me that is scared if she says yes. Then my life would change a lot and I would be in the unknown which terrifies me.

@Mandy hmmm. what if she rejects me?

I spent a year desperately hoping for my life to change, now its changing too quickly and I'm scared😂

Why is this so true 😭😭

@Mandy Bruh you literally read my mind. I have an idea of her in my head that actually makes it more difficult to talk to her. How do I break out?

I thought I would have grown out of this stupid shit by now but lately I've been completely obsessed with this random girl I met at this meditation group. I've literally only had a thirty second conversation with her, but I'm thinking about her all the fucking time. Fantasizing about being in a relationship, falling in love etc. I have like zero idea of what her personality is like but I'm projecting my ideal partner onto her. This isn't the first time this has happened and every time it has ended horribly for me. I plan on asking her out but I still haven't fully healed myself and a lot of insecurity and desperation will seep through. Why is the happening and what do I do?

I've done some insane parts work over the last few weeks and I feel almost like myself again. I'm getting aggressive backlash from certain parts from certain parts trying to suppress my inner child. Today I was caught in a particularly bad bout of ego backlash so I did a short mindfulness meditation. During the meditation, I realised that my parts aren't real. They are entirely illusory just like my sense of self or the idea that there is a doer. There is only awareness.

Yesterday I unburdened 3 huge exiles that have been there since childhood, there's my anxiety that prevents me from being authentic, my suppressed forward moving part, and my sexual frustration part. Each one had a complex network of protector parts preventing me from reaching them. It was one of my most difficult sessions just due to the sheer number of terrified protector parts. I didn't fully manage to get all of them to let go so I'm having a huge ego backlash today. I'm having depraved sexual thoughts, anger towards women, hatred of society and its values, lack of motivation, distrust of other people, despair, self doubt , and a general feeling of fog and heaviness. It's to be expected since I've made such a major change to my energetic body. My inner psyche feels unstable.

I just unburdened some huge self like protector parts near my third eye and crown chakra and I swear I can literally smell DMT being released. It's a sharp smell on the inside of my nose and there's no way I could mistake it for anything else. As soon as I smelled it, I felt the effects as if I had taken a tiny hit. This shit is powerful af

@Loop thanks bro. Its not reaaly that the source is taking out the garbage, more like its transmuting the garbage into gold

@Phil Thanks! yeah it does feel like all my hard work is paying off

Its been about a year since I've started IFS. Since then I've evolved a great deal but there is still much more i need to dp. My life situation is extremely stressful at the moment. my job is extremely stressful and job security is not guaranteed. In the midst of this stressful experience I am undergoing a huge energetic transformation. I'm starting to recognize old patterns of thought that have controlled my entire life without me knowing. I am breaking out of them an releasing repressed energy from my lower chakras. I feel myself unravelling. There are protector parts in my third eye chakra that create the illusory egoic thoughts that are being unburdened. They have been there so long that I thought these parts were me! it turns out the me I thought I was, was just a manager part pretending to be me! I'm going through such a huge transformation that it feels like reality is bending. These stale beliefs that I thought were reality are being exposed as just that: stale beliefs! I'm noticing a huge backlash from certain parts that resist this new transformation. I find myself having extreme bursts of rage towards society, people that have hurt me in the past, certain people with political views I disagree with etc. There is also a huge pressure at the top of my head in my third eye chakra. It sometimes feels like it's about to burst and it can be quite painful. The energy flowing around my body is so intense that it can sometimes be difficult to sleep. A big problem is that the more I unburden and heal my parts, the more I uncover even more hidden parts. Some of them have been dictating my life and I didn't even know because I thought that was just the way I was. It's insane. Sometimes I feel like I'm insane by accessing these parts. My parts are the ghosts of my past self that I have left behind. I will not leave any of them behind. It is my responsibility to love myself and my parts until I am full.

@Orb Try unblocking your sacral chakra. The pain in the groin and agitation is because energy builds up and has nowhere to go. A part of you is scared of this energy and wants to get rid of it, and the best way is by using porn. To heal yourself, you have to heal the repressed sexuality and also the part of you that is repressing it.

i just realised that I have twisted IFS into a way of judging myself. I constantly feel like I'm not good enough the way i am because of so many neurotic parts I have. I feel that if I don't heal myself, I will never be worthy of being loved and I will die alone, forever broken. In many ways I feel even worse than when I started because I wasn't aware of all my parts. But now that i have realised this, I will treat myself better. I am good enough the way I am.

I find myself fantasizing about running away. Escaping this life and starting anew. The way i am living and thinking right now feels so wrong. Like something is missing. I long to meet someone, fall in love and run away into the sunset. Unfortunately I'm still alone and I have been for my entire life. My protector parts are too scared and for good reason. I've been hurt too much and I don't think I can take another heartbreak. I keep people at a distance because I don't to become attached to them. If I do, they inevitably let me down and hurt me. I want to escape this place and start truly living, meeting real people, appreciating life instead of watching the days go by, numbing myself with distractions. There's got to be something more. I know it. I just feel like, I've been stuck here my whole life There must be something else out there, waiting, you know? Just for us We could run away Just leave, never look back I don't even care where we go Just far away from here I'll come with you

I'm in the middle of quite a big ego backlash right now. I'm feeling a strong feeling of hatred for others. Even when people are nice to me, I assume they have secretly bad intentions or will one day hurt me. It's seems to be a firefighter part that remembers when people I thought were my friends ended up gaslighting me and treating me like shit. My sexual insecurities are also bubbling up. I find myself being strangely attracted to redpill/blackpill/andrew tate style videos even though I can clearly notice that I feel worse about myself after watching them.

something doesn't feel right. I can't put my finger on it but its so obvious that something is wrong. In fact I haven't felt right in a while. Am I supposed to just keep living like this? feeling wrong for the rest of my life? Is it my lack of friends? time away from family? my new job? moving to a new city? lack of exercise and shitty diet? Not enough meditation? I don't think its any of these. It feels like something deeper. Like something within me is missing. I'm too aware now to believe that sex, relationships, drugs, partying, and chasing success is going to fill this void. It's almost like I'm disconnected from my intrinsic being. Like my true self isn't really there.

@Mandy yes. but still, does it work that way? if I get close to someone, will the universe brutally rip them away?

So does this mean that if I constantly am worried about people close to me dying, they are actually going to die?

I tried out an esctatic dance event just on a whim because another event got cancelled. It involves completely allowing your body to move spontaneously without any choreography. No alcohol, no talking, no phones, no pickup, no standing around and watching. It seemed like some weird culty shit but I was like fuck it and went anyways. It was an incredible experience. As soon as I got there I started meeting more spiritual people than I had met in years. Everyone seemed super chill and non judgemental. We started with a cacao ceremony where we sat in a circle and meditated on manifestation. The cacao smelled like chocolate but tasted quite bitter and extremely intense. It felt like it was cleaning out my insides as it moved down into my stomach. As the cacao entered my stomach, a lot of trapped emotions got released but in a strange mindful way. Once the music started I was immediately pulled into a psychedelic state. Normally I would be very nervous dancing around random people I've never met, but the environment was welcoming enough that I knew they wouldn't judge me. As soon as we started dancing I was completely immersed. I was just allowing my body to move and I felt really good. Like I was completely free to express myself in movement. The organiser told us to find a partner and I turned to face an extremely beautiful girl. We danced and stared into each others eyes. It felt like she was staring deep into my soul. Normally I can be quite shy around girls but this time there was almost no fear. I was transfixed by her beauty but not in a sexual way. More like just seeing her inner being and our shared oneness. We hugged and exchanged welcoming words, she told me her name and I forgot it seconds later. I then repeated this process with multiple people who seemed just as in awe as me. The dance continued and I became further immersed. It felt truly psychedelic as I felt ego dissolve into the dance as if I was completely one with the movement and the dance. My body was completely moving on its own. The experience started to get more interesting. As I was dancing, I noticed egoic and neurotic thoughts and emotions arising. (Think Protector parts in IFS) Thoughts about wanting to impress other people, worrying about what other people were thinking of me, spiritual ego, repressed anger, sexual thoughts and judgemental thoughts about others. These thoughts would usually overwhelm me but instead of fighting them I allowed myself to express them through my movement. This made my movements change dramatically. Instead of the fluid movements I was making before, the movements based on my negative neurotic thoughts were more violent, chaotic and erratic but with an incredible beauty. Expressing these feelings though dance felt very primal. People around me started screaming and I screamed to which felt amazing. I danced my way around the venue visiting other random people. Every time I made eye contact with someone, we mutually smiled at each other. The whole venue was quite hot and I was incredibly sweaty. Eventually my feel started getting tired and my movements slowed down a bit to become much slower and flowing. I joined a group of strangers my age and they welcomed me as if we had known each other for years. We danced together in a coordinated way, our movements matching each other. There was no social anxiety at all because I knew they were not judging me and I was not judging them. There were a pile of tarot cards in the corner and the ones I picked up happened to describe my life situation perfectly. Eventually the dance came to an end and we sat around for a final meditation. They served fresh fruit afterwards which was the nicest tasking fruit I have ever had. Everyone I spoke to was incredibly kind and loving. As the event ended and I went home, I noticed my inhibitions and protector parts returning like 'what the fuck just happened'. I was completely exhausted and covered in sweat. I had a shower and slept for about 11 hours. The whole experience was insane. I can't believe I exposed true self and danced like a madman in front of random people and yet I did not feel anxiety at all. Will I be going there again? yes. tldr: Its like clubbing for hippies. Highly recommend.

how can an illusion exist if there is no one to be decieved by the illusion?