spiritual dreams

@Phil slightly better. But still brutal. It's like the universe is teaching me a lesson through intense suffering. Seeing a therapist for OCD, openen my lower chakras and focused the energy there which helps stabilize me and get me out of my thinking mind. Awakeneg and integrated my lower impulses and transformed them into willpower. Still struggling with extreme negative emotions, physical pain, energetic cramps and terrifying thought loops most days.

@PhilThanks

@Phil Thanks. I guess there are a few things I strugglew with. Acknowledging thoughts can be extremely difficult when i am identified with them. Especially the scary intrusive thoughts. dreamboard I haven't done because I don't really have any strong desires. Emotional scale is something im trying but not successful with. diet and exercise is something i have improved in a lot. Daily meditation is something i am trying.

Ok wow that's a lot to unpack. This is understood intellectually but actually being able to do this is really difficult since identification with separate self is such a deeply entrenched habit. What does it even mean to acknowledge emotions? I just can't seem to do it properly. There is always an aversion. And sometimes and aversion to aversion which creates even more aversion...

So, your saying the future I want doesn't exist. Because there is only this right? This might be a stupid question, but how exactly do I acknowledge fear as an emotion? Its quite difficult because I either only feel the energetic cramp with no fear, or I am completely identified with the fear, and aversion, plus intrusive compulsive thougths,

Fair enough. I guess a big thing is that with my current situation, I don't know if what I want is ever going to happen and even it its possible, its not happening in a long time. Thanks, doing this actually helped. However i find it quite difficult sometimes. Many times I notice intense aversion to the emotion. Other times the emotion seems to have created an energetic cramp that feels like physical sensation. Finally, even if i acknowledge fear in one place, other parts of my energetic body seem to contract in fear.

No, I don't know what I want anymore maybe? This shit deconditioned the shit out of me and I've learned a lot about my underlying ego mechanisms.

@PhilThanks I don't even know what that word means anymore. I also don't know how true that is. The energy can be transmuted into a loving kind of bliss but it isn't like that most of the time. What am I even supposed to do then?

yes, a lot of emotions are being suppressed. There is a weird mechanism where intense fear solidifies into extremely painful energetic symptoms in my body. Trying to feel into the intense negative emotions works sometimes but other times it makes the energy cramp up even more. Sometimes when I acnkowledge emotions, the emotions turn into energy which moves up the body and causes energy to cramp up and contract in other areas. Yes, thoughts of a seperate self that suffers are often believed. Its hard to detect when emotions are overwhelming. There is also an intense dissociation and brain fog that seems to cloud awareness most of the time making it difficult to disidentify from these thoughts. yep. I kinda gave up after being overwhelmed for so long.

About 6 months ago I awakened kundalini. I can only describe it as an intense energy that moves up the body which amplifies conscousness, awareness, emotions and thought patterns. Daniel Ingram calls it the arising and passing away, Phil I think called it the dissolving of conditioning, it doesn't really matter, just conceptual labels. Since then it has fucked me up beyond recognition. After the initial bliss states faded away I can only describe it as a bad trip that does not end. It has taken me to hellish places that I would not wish on anybody and stripped away everything I held dear. All my beliefs, values and ways of looking at reality have been stripped away and revealed to be mental fabrications and wishful thinking. My underlying mental issues have been amplified to the point where it has taken over my whole life. I experience intense anxiety, despair, anger, unease, OCD, extreme worrying, dissociation and pretty much everything else on a daily basis. I have had to quit my job and move back in with my parents. Before kundalini I believed in love, god, infinite consciousness, oneness etc... Now I realise those were all bullshit conceptualizations and fabrications I deluded myself into believing. I have also become aware of just how much suffering there was in me and how much suffering there is in the world. I cannot see the world as a good place. My worldview has dissolved so I don't know anything anymore. Is materialism true, idealism? buddhism? Leo's solipsism? phil's creator stuff? God? These are just mental fabrications. I don't know anything but my direct experience and I'm not even sure of that anymore. Even my sense of self and identity was also a fabrication. At the same time... I don't want to go back. Now that i have realised how deluded I was, I simply can't go back. I wasn't exactly having a good time before this either. My attatchment to my personal identity and story have decreased so I no longer care about petty ego shit as much which is incredibly freeing. Going back would be like going back into the matrix. I don't know how much longer this is going to last or whats going to happen to me but hey, it is what it is...

🙏

@Phil Yup you're right. But I do need a break because this forum can be just that. Thanks for the teachings 🙏

@Phil I was referring to pointers to direct experience. Time to take a break from pointers and work on love, healthy relationships, and being humble.

@Phil @Blessed2 Thanks guys. This isn't pessimism, I actually feel better but I still feel that this kind of 'nothing to do, nowhere to be, there is no you' is probably not best for me at the moment. Thanks for the teachings and support. I may return occasionally or not, whatever feels right. 🙏

Maybe one day. theres a lot that needs to be unlearned.

@PhilYou were right about me suppressing emotions, cllinging to conceptualizations and projecting. But I think that nondual pointers like this site are probably not going to help. Thanks anyways🙏

Thanks but this is just more shit im going to conceptualize and cling to.

Ok I think it's time for me to take a long, long, break from this forum. Turns out i have a huge spiritual ego and I'm clinging to nondual concepts to avoid dealing with the fact that life can suck sometimes. Ultimately I don't know shit and I've just been fooling myself the whole time, thinking I was more spiritually developed than I really was just like I was on actualized.org. I can't be doing this shit anymore because the negative consequences of this happen much faster with kundalini. Any glimpse of nonduality is just going to be something I cling to so theres not much point. I don't have the foundation to really integrate these teachings.

That it's bullshit

This is what I realised as well. Clinging to nondual ideas and glimpses to avoid negativity is what seems to cause a lot of my problems in the first place.

sry i mean to reply to the other thing:

but how do you even know?

can you explain?

@Jonas Long I'll be honest, I actually blocked you before. But I appreciate your words here. I 100% agree. This conversation drove me down a really dark spiral. @Philyep. Especially whan I am specifically asking you not answer in such a way because it makes me feel worse.