spiritual dreams

After a talk with Phil, I had another huge breakthrough. The happiness that I longed for is always here, but by creating the thought that my happiness is dependent on something else, I obscure the happiness. This breakthrough allowed be to unburden a very difficult exile. Instead of being lonely and longing for love, friendship and adventure to happen in the external world, I realised that I already have it within me. I still have the desire for love, friendship, sex, adventure etc. but the desire no longer has any resistance or aversion. This is because I always have it on an emotional and spiritual level. It just has not manifested in the world of symbols that is the material world. Whether I get it or not, materially I already have the essence of what I want. I really feel like I understand the law of attraction now. Things are not all sunshine and rainbows though, I'm getting intense ego backlash from this breakthrough. Most noticeably, all the cringey, embarrassing and shameful moments from my past are coming up from my subconscious. I find myself cringing over some shit I did seven years ago.

@Mandy Wow. That was beautiful. Thank you! I've definitely noticed that I've been avoiding these thoughts a lot. And the avoidance is actually what gives them so much energy. I've been trying for force myself to heal instead of taking the gentle approach

Recently I've noticed that the energy I have been sending out into the universe is pretty negative and it's manifesting a lot of negativity in my life. I'm noticing loneliness sexual frustration, work stress, low self esteem, fear, etc. coming from within me subconsciously and it absolutely is manifesting in my current reality. How do I change this? The only thing I've tried that works is IFS parts work but it's a really slow and difficult process. I'm trying to focus on what I want but all of my parts are focused on avoiding some aspect of reality making my overall energy really negative.

I confronted my shadow again, in a terrifying experience, I discovered that my shadow parts were born when I was a very scared young child, I repressed that scared child and it evolved into my shadow. I gave that scared child the love and safety he needed and my shadow dissolved into the light.

Root chakra - deals with survival needs, blocked by not getting needs met and repressing certain needs Sacral chakra - deals with sexuality and creativity, blocked by repressing sexuality and guilt Solar plexus chakra- deals with self esteem and empowerment, blocked by shame and self doubt Heart chakra - deals with love, blocked by grief and hatred, and also walls you put up to keep others out Throat chakra - deals with communication, blocked by inauthenticity, fear of expressing your true feelings Third eye chakra - deals with insight, blocked by illusions, especially of a separate self, time, control etc. Crown chakra - deals with cosmic energy, blocked by material attachment, fear of ego death, and doubt of spirituality

So you're saying the stuff that happens out there is out of my control but I can control the way I observe and interpret it?

@Mandy interesting. What determines the stuff that gets illuminated? Is it my thoughts our something beyond my control?

Ok I think I understand now. This makes me worried though because I have a lot of intrusive thoughts of bad things happening to people I care about, and thoughts of hurting myself. And now that I know that these thoughts can manifest, it makes me even more worried and I think about it even more. which of course creates a feedback loop from hell. How do I deal with the fear of manifesting something bad?

Hmmm, so im constantly thinking 'man i hope humanity doesn't destroy itself in a nuclear war' does that mean that the universe is gonna bring me nuclear war?

@Phil I've been going super deep into all my negative thoughts around girls. I desperately want relationships and sex with women, because there is a feeling of incompleteness and unworthiness having not had sex with women, another part of me then has anxiety around women, believing that my self worth relies on their approval and also feeling shame for being attracted to them and being terrified of expressing my attraction to them. And yet another part of me wants to avoid women and stay in my comfort zone because they cause me so much suffering due to the previously mentioned parts. It's a pretty nasty cycle, but there is somehow my true self which know that is all bullshit and sometimes shines through. When I am grounded in my true self, interacting with women is effortless and fun. But now my parts are trying to force me into that effortless state which doesn't work. can you elaborate on this?

@Phil Thanks!

i don't get it, what wrong with saying what I don't want?

fuckin hell @Phil thought you went full Andrew Tate for a second 😂

I don't understand, what is hitting the break supposed to mean in this context?

I just had several huge breakthroughs. I managed to access a deep exile which was my inner child, this aspect of myself was much younger than all my other parts, it feels like almost baby still. This part of me was my scared child self who didn't get the love he needed. By giving this part of me love, it felt like my wounded foundations were healing, It was a difficult experience because I had to feel all the pain that my inner child felt, which was extremely intense because I had pretty much regressed to an infant. I cried for hours and afterwards the loneliness and heaviness in my chest that I had felt for years disappeared. I met up with a friend the next day who was quite spiritually inclined and the first thing she told me was that my energy seemed completely different. Like I had a cooler stronger presence. The day after that, I had a spontaneous realisation while listening to music which was even more intense, I was thinking about why people listen to and make music even though it serves no practical use. I had a huge epiphany which turned my entire world inside out. I was thinking, "man, I'd love to make music and art and connect to that fun creative part of myself instead of seeking, if only all my problems got sorted, and all the worlds problems like climate change and war were sorted, then maybe one day I'd like to dedicate my life to creativity and fun instead of worrying all the time." And then I realised, holy shit instead of waiting for every single problem in the world to be fixed before I can be happy, I can just be happy now, and that is what will make everything fall into place! If I stay in the mindset of seeking and end to my problems, I will be seeking for the rest of my life, not fixing any of my problems. This realisation turned my soul inside out and I finally reconnected to the playful creative part of me that I had cast away for years. This is what my mind and reality should have been like all along instead of seeking an unattainable future, never to be happy. This feels like my true self, more so than any 'me' I've been for years. This awakening has lead to huge protector backlash. pretty much all my protectors resist this new change, and it's quite a challenge to get them to let go. But the fight continues. I am making so much progress, it feels like the years of work I have put in are paying off, the only time I have felt similar to the way I do now, is after a psychedelic experience. In fact, this whole experience was extremely psychedelic in nature. I am in awe.

Seems like the rejection triggered an exile. https://ifs-institute.com/resources/articles/internal-family-systems-model-outline seems like a protector (firefighter) part has taken you over and is trying to mitigate the damage of the exile. Go deep into the feeling on unworthiness and give the part of you that feels unworthy love and compassion. Don't try to repress it.

@Mandy what do i want? lets see: 1. The actual content of my job is very interesting and It's something that my childhood self (who was obsessed with science and engineering) could only dream about. So in that regard, I want to keep within this work. 2. I want to not be so stressed, less pressure and more room to breathe. I've found that when there is no pressure on me, I actually love my work. 3. I want to stop feeling like I'm not good enough. Work really pushes the idea that I am underperforming. 4. although my job is interesting, the people at my work aren't really they type of people who I connect with. They are very stage orange. I would like to be around more conscious people. 5. I want to make the world a better place, my company is quite involved with sustainable energy so that's a plus. 6. I want a break from work. But since I am on probation, I can't really afford one. 7. I want my other needs (social life, relationships, sex, hobbies etc.) and I want my work to not interfere with that. 8. I want money (Obviously) because I need to put food on the table, and also money helps me go to events where I can meet new people and do interesting things. 9. I want time and space for my healing journey. Work can definitely interfere with that. 10. I want to be secure and stable financially. I don't want to constantly worry about being fired.

Not that I'm aware of, its mostly just mantra meditation, vegan food and them talking about spirituality. Also a weird obsession with cows.

yikes

@Phil I've done some introspecting on your words and I've noticed some interesting things about my fear of rejection. There are seemingly 2 parts to my obsession. The first is that I have a deep seated feelings of unworthiness. That I am somehow inferior to others because of some certain traits like looks, race, confidence, body count or lack thereof, etc. If a girl rejects be it will because of those factors and it will just prove these feelings of not being good enough. The seconds is that a part of me sees her (and other girls) as something that I need and I am missing. Like if I have her, all of my problems will be solved. Therefore my happiness depends on whether she likes me. Hence why rejection feels like the end of the world

Yup that's my plan

Lack of ownership of my tasks, that I do the bare minimum of what is asked for me. I don't take the initiative and I'm not a go-getter. Not independent enough, my code is messy etc. The really annoying thing is that even if I complete a task and do what is asked of me perfectly, it's still not enough because I didn't 'go the extra mile'

@Orb well... shit

another thing which I forgot to mention is that a bunch of super hot spiritual girls go there, which is one on the reasons I go so often 😅

Recently, I've been going to these meditation sessions with this meditation group that practices bhakti yoga. They do these chanting meditations and sound baths which I find really cool and bring me into a super deep level of meditation, they also do really nice vegan food and a kirtan which is like a spiritual dance which is really fun. The people there are really nice to me and they are super down to earth. Recently I found out it's a part of a group called hare krishna (which is what we chant) and a few of my friends have warned me that is it a cult. I'm very conflicted about this because I really enjoy going there. On one hand I feel like it is a bit culty in that they have specific beliefs about reality and the monks there all shave their heads and devote themselves to the cause. They also have some weird beliefs like worshipping cows and overromanticizing India. On the other hand, they have never forced their beliefs onto me and the people there are super down to earth. Most of the time it just feels like a bunch of spiritual open-minded people hanging out. I don't fully agree with their hindu worldview and my time on actualized has definitely taught me not to blindly follow a spiritual group that claims to have the answer so it doesn't feel dangerous in that regard. Am I in a cult? and what should I do?