spiritual dreams

@Phil I think I've uncovered the problem. There are certain sensations, possibly linked to trauma. These sensations are extreme uncomfortable. My body/mind complex tries to avoid these sensations with thoughts whenever possible. This is why whenever I have a nondual awakening, I always fall back. (Yeah yeah yeah there is no separate self to have an awakening they are just thoughts) I tried somatic experiencing and internal family systems therapy. They are helping a lot

@Joseph Maynor feeling difficult emotions I guess

@Phil about as well as you would think lol 🤣

Well a part of me wants to understand the true nature of reality and God and the divine. But I have quite an intellectual mind. Thats why I was so drawn to actualized

@Phil interestingly I think I do have some kind of disassociate disorder

@Phil no, the fantasizing is about me being a spiritual teacher. Not necessarily like trying to be another spiritual teacher.

@Phil not really. There used to be a few teachers that resonated with me deeply and I wanted a person relationship with. But then I had some bad experiences with and then I stopped seeing them

@Phil well I did used to think that about certain friends. But these days I don't because I am aware of ego stuff and spirituality. I can see the shadow sides in people.

@Phil yes to all of these, although memory gaps aren't that frequent. There would be a times where I would walk into a room and not know why. Or I would put in my contacts and forget that I put them on like 10 seconds later and be like.

I call it kundalini because it literally feels like a white light/energy that causes my repressed conditioning to be felt. Before kundalini, repressed emotions and conditioning felt frozen. It would require intense effort to even access. Afterwards, everything I repressed got shoved in my face, amplified by a million

I've noticed that I'm addicted to spiritual thinking. This involves: - constantly intellectualizing about spiritual topics - fantasizing about being enlightened or having mystical experiences - creating narratives about the nature of reality - fantasizing about being a spiritual teacher (the best and most advanced spiritual teacher ever) Leo gura style - daydreaming about spiritual topics. Like you know how when you have a crush on a girl, you fantasize about being together? Well I do that with spirituality. I do this because my current life sucks. Kundalini is bringing up really difficult shit and I'm in awful mental states most of the time. So to avoid difficult thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations, I always look to the future rather than actually being in the present to process my emotions. Like sometimes I get difficult feelings and instead of feeling them, I intellectually work out that if I allow the emotions to be felt, then I will feel better. However, instead of actually feeling emotions, I just think about a future where I have already processed my emotions and felt better. Rather than actually feeling my emotions 😂 It's like the opposite of what Eckhart tollen says in the power of now. The main reason, is because there are extremely uncomfortable sensations in my body. I struggle to feel them because they can be so intense and uncomfortable.

huh?

@Phil well yes, but its also the feeling of restless enenrgy and jitteryness is there when im trying to sleep

@Phil like its a really bad thing if someone judges me

Frustration