spiritual dreams

@Phil ah yep that's probably true

huh?

Yep, I guess confession was because I wanted to break the belief that if my mother knew the things I had done, her love for me would be different. It feels so free telling her about the way I was and the way I actually am. She still doesn't really understand my spiritual journey but she supports me anyway. I feel like I can finally express the real me now. This is actually really helpful. Thanks!

I had an intense kundalini awakening 2 weeks ago and I'm suffering from intense kundalini symptoms. Today I met up with a friend for the first time since my awakening and she told me she had been going through a crazy time. I was like 'how come?' and she was like 'do you know anything about kundalini?' and I was like 'BRUH' Turns out she's going through the same thing 😂

It seems I have reached the end of my IFS journey. I have awakened my kundalini and everything is coming out to be healed. See this post for more details. I am grateful for IFS for creating the groundwork for everything to happen. My life has profoundly changed in ways I could not have imagined. My journey is not over though. It has only just begun! I will start a new journal about my kundalini experiences and so this will be my last post in this journal. Thank you for reading! Namaste🙏🌸⭐

I've just had the craziest experience. First some background info: When I was a child, there was a period where my parents for pretty physically and mentally abusive to me due to financial stress and mental health issues. As I became a teenager, my mum read some parenting books and became much more loving and supportive to me but the damage had already been done. Pretty much all of my traumas and mental health issues can be traced back to those years. One defence mechanism I had was an inability to be my authentic self around my family (and anyone really). A few years ago when I used to do psychedelics. I had an LSD trip go horrifically wrong. I did 200ug of LSD alone in a slightly bad mental state. During the trip I lost touch with reality and in thinking that reality was some kind of dream I had to escape, I left my house and walked in front of a car. I then crawled onto the pavement and passed and and was taken to the hospital. Luckily I wasn't injured at all and I managed to walk home from hospital that same night but it was a horrifically traumatizing experience. My parents never found out and I had kept it a secret for 3 years, just like many secrets I keep from my parents. My mother is so much kinder now than she was before and she always tells me how much she loves me and how proud of me she is. This only makes my guilt worse. Over the past year, I have been doing internal family systems intensively and It has healed me in ways I couldn’t even imagine. While doing IFS, after unburdening certain parts I would notice an energy moving upwards. I recognised this as kundalini energy and moved it towards my crown chakra. Now for the juicy bit About a week ago, I was doing IFS work on my throat chakra when a part came up that really wanted me to tell my parents about my LSD disaster. Immediately I was hit with overwhelming anxiety, since the idea of telling my mum about that terrified every inch of my being. The more I tried to suppress it, the more it grew stronger. I decided to look into It with curiosity and realised that the defence mechanism that made my hide everything from my parents was preventing me from being authentic with other people and would ruin my relationships for the rest of my life. I decided that I would one day tell my parents in the future and went to sleep but the next day the urge came back so intensely that I couldn’t work properly. I decided I had to go home and tell my parents about everything. On my way home, I felt unbelievable anxiety but also a strange sense of calm, like I was soon going to be free. When I came home, I took my mother into my room and told her everything. I told her about the LSD disaster, and how I was scared to tell her. That I was not the perfect son she thought I was. She was initially very worried but instead of flipping out, she told me she was just glad I’m ok and that she still loves me no matter what. Immediately I broke down and started crying. Decades of trauma got released and we both hugged and cried in each others arms. I felt all my insecurities, neuroses, and ego defenses dissolve in that moment. I cried and cried and told my mother every bad thing that I had done. And she told me it was ok. I told her about my childhood trauma from the way she and my father treated me during my childhood and she cried and apologized for everything she had done and asked me to forgive her which I did. I told her about every bad thing I did and all my insecurities like being a virgin and not being able to get a girlfriend. She told me she loves me no matter what. Afterwards I laid in my bed and felt my entire personality change. All my insecurity and depression and anxiety disappeared and I cried and cried. I then told my sister everything and she was pretty chill about it. When my father came home, I also told him about everything. He forgave me for my drug use and after some initial resistance he apologized for the way he treated me as a child. He also apologized to my sister for the way he treated her and promised to become a better person. That night I noticed an extreme sensitivity to stimuli and feeling an insane kind of awareness. The next day when I woke up, I felt pretty horrible, traumas from my childhood began arising. I noticed an intense overwhelming sense of despair which almost gave me a panic attack. I used IFS methods to heal this despair but still felt a bit shitty. I had a conversation with my mother and she showed my some family pictures from my childhood. In those pictures I was a happy child in a beautiful family. I saw pictures of my relatives and my family before I was born and it was beautiful. Suddenly faint childhood memories of joy and happiness flooded me and I realised that the childhood I had repressed actually contained moments of amazing joy and happiness. And that my family was not always broken and neurotic. Sure, there were some issues but there was genuine love and happiness at some points. At this point I felt my entire personality change. It felt like this huge emotional block had been lifted and I was able to feel childhood joy and wonder. All the mental blocks and family issues dissolved in that moment and I knew my life would never be the same. That day I was plagued by intense negative intrusive thoughts and emotions, like a nuclear ego backlash. I also felt extremely heightened awareness and sensitivity to peoples energy. I also had crazy spiritual awakenings and feelings of bliss. I began to feel very ungrounded and started having delusional thoughts. After a few days It got too much and I knew something was wrong. I realised I had kundalini syndrome. For a few days I freaked out and felt like I was going crazy but after reading some books on it and doing some grounding exercises. It’s a lot more stabilised now. I feel much more grounded now and the negative emotions are easier to see through and heal. I realised that all my negative thoughts and emotions were already there before my awakening. It’s just that the heightened awareness is bringing it to the surface. I feel like in the long term this will be very beneficial to my life. I already feel more confident and speaking with strangers is effortless now. I also am no longer ashamed of being a virgin and my scarcity mindset is completely gone. I’m also more perceptive to the energy of others and I feel like the energy I give off is much more positive now. In fact strangers sometimes smile at me or try to make conversation and animals seem to like me more. Its going to me a long and difficult journey ahead but I am extremely grateful this has happened. I’ve spent most of my life desperately wishing for the strength to change and now I finally have it. Only problem is that I’ve got to confront all of my demons. I feel like my life is going to be a lot more interesting! Thanks for listening to my ted talk. If anyone else has experienced something similar or has any general comments I’d love to hear about it!

working on that 😅

@Alexander Pretty sure it's kundalini syndrome. western psychology knows very little of this shit and the kundalini grounding exercises help. It's honestly a benefit to my life because it forces me to change and be healthier.

@Phil yup I cried a lot. Also masturbation helps calm kundalini so there's that as well 🤣

huh?

Thanks, I know that things are actually working out deep down.

Yup that is happening. Not so fun when you're in the middle of it. Yup. A fuckton of discord. Yes the suffering is in the thought and when thought obscures awareness, it takes over. Thats the problem, when shit goes south, I can't notice anything. The thought completely takes over and obscures everything. It's the aversion that fucks me up. I can't stop the aversion. It's like the aversion reists aversion and creates even more aversion like a hellish feedback loop. Also everything is a million times more intense and I feel like I'm losing touch with reality at times.

Be careful what you wish for. I'm currently in the middle of kundalini syndrome and it feels like I'm on psychedelics all the fucking time. Some of the shit I've experienced is terrifying, Imagine basically a bad trip except the drugs don't wear off. You have to heal whatever comes up or it keeps fucking you.

No that's not the problem, the problem is that way too much is coming out and I cant handle it. I think conceptualizing it as kundalini helps because there is a lot of literature on kundalini syndrome which has helped a bit. I will try journaling more though. Thank you, That is what is keeping me sane. Despite all the madness and terror, I am incredibly grateful everything happened the way it did.

yup I just undid like most of my conceptual and emotional frameworks. It feels like a dam has been broken and a huge torrent of water is coming out. Problem is it's way too much water for me to handle and the water is carrying sewage and shit. yep, didn't mean to say that yours and Leo's were the same. It seems that Leo's version of solipsism is what happens when the conceptual mind tries to grasp and conceptualize that which can't really be grasped. But to be fair, even your idea of infinite consciousness is just a thought as well albeit less ego aggrandizing. Even the idea of infinite consciousness has to be dissolved. Although I'm definitely not ready for that 😅 I understand this normally, but in that moment, all of this understanding is lost and I don't have the awareness to question anything. Yes I am aware, but when I'm in that moment, the thought takes over and obscures everything. Ok there is the problem. That's the first thing I did when this all happened. The problem is that feeling and surrender makes the kundalini rise even more leading to even more symptoms. Its like breaking more dams and releasing even more water. Yup it seems that I need to do things to ground myself. The main problem is that I am incredibly ungrounded right now. Things like junk food, masturbation, gym, walking on grass help a bit. Things like meditation, surrender, IFS, breathwork, nonduality etc. make it worse because they amplify kundalini. Its like I'm on psychedelics but 24/7 and every time I surrender to the psychedelics, they become stronger and more destabilizing. Do you know how I can ground myself?

yes that is definitely what is happening. The problem is that its not just a thought, but a habit of consistent egoic thought.

I mean... yeah that's why I'm writing this post.

Not in all scenarios but in this one, there's going to be a lot of discomfort. I don't really want to 'get' anything. If anything, I've gotten my healing which is what I wanted. The problem is now the kundalini is rising and I'm becoming ungrounded

well then its some pretty fucking intense and painful nothing then 😅

if it isn't any of that then what is it?

yeah honestly, I went and got myself some fried chicken and I honestly feel way better.

@Mandy Thanks, I'm kind of afraid of calling a hotline because I don't want to get sent to a mental hospital. I will try to express my negative thoughts as much as I can. It's strange because before this awakening, I desperately wanted to be where I am now. But now I'm like 'fuck i did way too much too soon'. Is what I am experiencing normal? I've also realised that this awakening has given me an enormous spiritual ego. I have these feelings that I am above other people now that I have awakened and even as i am typing this, the ego is trying to take advantage by being like 'look how humble you are'. How do I deal with the ego trying to take advantage of this?

I might make a longer post about the full events but long story short, about a week ago, I opened up to my family about a lot of my issues and healed about a decades worth of trauma in a single day. I felt incredibly peaceful that night. The next day, I felt pretty horrible, when I woke up, I was immediately hit with a sense of intense despair, Suddenly all of the wisdom and progress I had made had disappeared and I felt like I would be hopeless forever, It was so intense that a bunch of suicidal thoughts came up which terrified me even more. I eventually used IFS techniques to heal this despair but I was pretty shaken up. The rest of the day I was mostly incredibly peaceful but I got horrific intrusive thoughts and terrifying thought loops. In the evening, I was having a bath and spontaneously had a full blown awakening experience, It was a solipsistic nondual experience like Leo or Phil talks about. Its an experience that can't really be conceptualized but I noticed my mind conceptualizing it. I then got an intense spiritual ego and delusions of grandeur thinking that all of reality is my dream and that I am god. I thought that I could solve all the world's problems by manifesting them away and that all suffering is just something I am conceptualizing. It was incredibly blissful and I spend the rest of the night in a psychedelic blissful state. The next few days were similar, I felt like I was on psychedelics 24/7 despite me not having taken psychedelics in 2 almost years. I had insanely intense negative thoughts and emotions come up which make me feel like all progress was lost and terrifying disturbing thoughts about horrible things happening to me and my family. I also had insane spiritual experiences like feeling connected to the infinite intelligence of the universe and feeling states of intense bliss. I also noticed that animals were much more friendly towards me. I may have even briefly had temporary psychic healing powers. (keep in mind that I am quite scientific and didn't really believe in these things before now) I noticed a crazy amount of kundalini energy rising from my lower body into my head and there were some incredibly uncomfortable sensations at the base of my neck and the top of the spine. These effects did not die down and continued to grow. I noticed myself getting a huge spiritual ego, delusions of grandeur and megalomania. I thought I was the most awakened person on earth and that I could manifest everything I wanted, girls, sex, money, etc. I also started disassociating and not feeling like myself. I also got intense negative thought loops where I would get a negative thought and then panic about having negative thoughts and so on. I also had weird appetite problems where I would get hungry but then feel like throwing up when eating food. My adhd got incredibly bad and I found myself dissociating mid conversation or task. I also found myself to be really sensitive to other people's energies. I had these intense negative emotions come up and eventually it was too much for me and I had a panic attack. I felt that there was something really wrong with me. This wasn't just a normal ego backlash. I started reading online and it turns out these symptoms are textbook kundalini syndrome. This freaked me out and I've spent the past 2 days trying to suppress my kundalini. Spiritual techniques like mindfulness, surrender, IFS only make it stronger. This is freaking me out. What do I do?

I've been following the news lately about the hamas attack on Israel and I feel sick to my stomach. How do you cope with knowing that this shit happened?

Damn this ego backlash is insane