Seductive Coitus - my feminine feelings

[Reena]

I've been feeling emotional ups and downs in my life once again. 

[Phil]

Insecurities is indeed a rollercoaster.

Insecurity is an emotion. 

Grounding, security, confidence & self-assuredness might be thoughts, but what the thoughts point to isn’t found there (in thoughts, or thinking). 

 

It’s just preference, but if my wife got hit by a bus, I wouldn’t be interested in a parter than isn’t emotionally available. Too shallow & tumultuous relationship wise. I prefer a partner which allows natural upliftment. Then it’s about co-creating, rather than upholding an idea of herself. As great as the crazy-monkey-sex would be, it’s just too shallow. If I talked with her about it, due to ‘insecurities’, she’d only hear it’s about her. 

[Reena]

8 minutes ago, Phil said:

It’s just preference, but if my wife got hit by a bus, I wouldn’t be interested in a parter than isn’t emotionally available.

What suggests that a partner is emotionally available. 

 

[Reena]

13 minutes ago, Phil said:

It’s just preference, but if my wife got hit by a bus, I wouldn’t be interested in a parter than isn’t emotionally available. Too shallow & tumultuous relationship wise. I prefer a partner which allows natural upliftment. Then it’s about co-creating, rather than upholding an idea of herself. As great as the crazy-monkey-sex would be, it’s just too shallow. If I talked with her about it, due to ‘insecurities’, she’d only hear it’s about her. 

I thought emotional avaliability(or lack thereof) and insecurity were two entirely different things. 

[Phil]

@Reena

That’s a really great question. The answer is the difference between days, weeks, months, years or even a lifetime of rollercoaster relationship wise, and just a few minutes of introspection, honesty & expression, ensuring much smoother & more enjoyable sailing together. It’s hard to put a finger on exactly, and again it’s just preference, but it would sound something like ‘insecurity is felt’, which leaves lots of room for a different, and more aligned & empowering interpretation. 

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

@Phil so you mean a relationship is only all about getting along? 

What if two people deeply love each other and are fully aware of this in their hearts of hearts, yet do not get along smooth sailing. Can't they still not remain in love and do their duties to one another? 

 

[Phil]

5 minutes ago, Reena said:

I thought emotional avaliability(or lack thereof) and insecurity were two entirely different things. 

It’s understandable how it could seem that way, for sure. I don’t really know, I’m just coming from preference here, not some ‘truth’ or anything. I’m just not attracted to arrogance honestly. It just seems repelling. Like a turn off. Like a vibe of ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’ yet. Not wrong or bad really, just, dare I say, egocentric, self-centered on a false self, an idea. 

 

[Reena]

8 minutes ago, Phil said:

It’s understandable how it could seem that way, for sure. I don’t really know, I’m just coming from preference here, not some ‘truth’ or anything. I’m just not attracted to arrogance honestly. It just seems repelling. Like a turn off. Like a vibe of ‘I’m not ready for a relationship’ yet. Not wrong or bad really, just, dare I say, egocentric, self-centered on a false self, an idea. 

 

Is insecurity the result of arrogance? 

 

[Phil]

1 minute ago, Reena said:

@Phil so you mean a relationship is only all about getting along? 

No.

 

1 minute ago, Reena said:

What if two people deeply love each other and are fully aware of this in their hearts of hearts, yet do not get along smooth sailing. Can't they still not remain in love and do their duties to one another? 

 

I’m a bit confused by ‘can’t they not’. Maybe there’s a clearer way of putting that…?

[Phil]

12 minutes ago, Reena said:

Is insecurity the result of arrogance? 

 

Emotions aren’t things per se, so emotions aren’t results. Emotion is guidance, as to how & why some thoughts feel as they do. 

This is why the belief in lack is met with the guidance of insecurity.

 

Arrogance points not to aspects, qualities or such in regard to self, only to behaviors playing out indicative of suppression, or, a refuting the guidance of self.

 

So arrogance might sound like ‘I know there are insecurities’, whereas emotionally available might sound like ‘babe, I’m feeling the guidance of insecurity, you feel like maybe helping me work a belief out?’ 

 

The truly ineffable difference lies therein. The recognition of the guidance is the recognition of having a source if you will. Which is the recognition that I, as a partner, am not that source, and can never fill that role. Other roles, yeah. Not that One. I’m a kid, not a / the teacher. Sometimes a mere appearance just won’t do, and actual substance is called for. In recognition of emotional guidance, that which is called for is already the case. As in, it was insecurity felt in the first place, not insecurities. 

[Reena]

@Phil emotional availability is when your partner deeply listens to you. Gives you time and effort. Is emotionally invested in you. Is available to understand and reciprocate your emotions (either in sync with your state or feelings or trying to complement through assurance or objection/mutual introspection) and basically in alignment with how you feel emotionally, they aren't disconnected from you. It's like their heart beats in unison with yours so they're acutely aware of how you're feeling in any given moment. Sometimes it's as easy as just communicating through eyes alone, no words needed to tell each other how they feel. That's intense when only eyes do the talking and shows a solid emotional connection. 

I remember my ex boyfriend telling me to look into his eyes while talking about sex. I was shy. I told him that I will look away. He told me that he would move my face to him and stare deep into my eyes till I made eye contact. He didn't want fake orgasms. He wanted a real connection, eye to eye, heart to heart. 

And he demanded complete honesty, sincerity and transparency, no hiding. I would describe all of these as facets of emotional availability. 

Emotional unavailability on the other hand would be something like your partner keeping busy even when you need them, using you for their needs, neglecting your needs, never prioritizing your needs, never spending much time or emotional investment into you. 

Insecurity would be a situation or scenario where you are plagued by confusion, strife, distress, doubt and a gnawing fear of impending doom, catastrophizing, jumping the gun, always assuming the worst about the other, questioning the other person's motives almost to a painful degree, not able to fully trust and sabotaging the relationship out of fear real or imagined. 

 

[Phil]

@Reena

Ok. Like I said, it’s just preference. 🙏🏼 

[Reena]

14 minutes ago, Phil said:

No.

 

I’m a bit confused by ‘can’t they not’. Maybe there’s a clearer way of putting that…?

Okay I made a grammatical error there in the last sentence.

 

I wanted to say - Can they not stay in love and do their duties to one another? 

 

Interpretation - according to my perception of love, two people can live together under one roof, love each other on a deeper level, abide by one another, do things for each other that shows pure commitment despite not getting along most of the time. There might not be "smooth sailing" and perfect harmony. Yet they know they are loyal to each other and love each other, they are aware of their differences and suffer the roller-coaster often, fights, arguments, disagreements, blaming each other, nagging, whining, bickering, sulking, taking jabs, complaining, yet knowing that they still love each other very deeply and not allowing all the pettiness and showdown to impact deeper commitment and bonding, realizing that all petty differences are human bullshit and only allowing love to be the cement that glues the relationship and always staying committed and making sure to reflect this commitment to each other through acts of forgiveness, gifts, bonding, expression, appreciation and support. Is this impossible in your eyes Phil? 

 

[Phil]

@Reena

Sorry I just don’t get what ‘not stay in love’ means. ‘My perception of love’ either. ‘Levels’ as well.

Seems to be getting complicated quick, as compared to insecurity as guidance. 

 

It’s just preferences, but I’m attracted to simplicity, sincerity, honesty, integrity. 

Nothing ‘wrong’ with concepts or conceptualizing. Just a preference for emotional availability. 

Attraction ‘in-kind’ you might say. 

Intellectual constructs are cool, but never seem to amount to emotional healing. 

[Reena]

11 minutes ago, Phil said:

Sorry I just don’t get what ‘not stay in love’ means

What I meant is that they can still be in love and wanting to be with each other despite all the roller coaster and ups and downs as long as they wish to be in love with one another 

 

[Phil]

1 minute ago, Reena said:

What I meant is that they can still be in love and wanting to be with each other despite all the roller coaster and ups and downs as long as they wish to be in love with one another 

 

As in can a couple stay in love by not staying in love?

 

Not trying to be sarcastic here. It really is a matter of preference for simplicity. 

[Jonas Long]

All that drama is good for rom coms, if youre into that kind of thing.  And they might make it seem that that's what relationships need to be romantic and exciting.  But it's just the cinematic equivalent to click bait.  

[Reena]

28 minutes ago, Phil said:

As in can a couple stay in love by not staying in love?

They are in love. But they are okay knowing that they fight or do not get along. They don't let those issues affect the core aspect of their undying love for each other. In this sense their relationship is a test of their eternal love for one another and is not phased by any storm, come what may. 

[Phil]

@Reena

How exactly are they in love, and yet knowing?

 

Certainly not accusing, but this sounds once again like the conjecture of “relative & absolute”. A “two loves” teaching weaved of suppression of guidance for the very cognitive dissonance experienced and taught, maybe. Idk. Might be related to experiencing isolation & discord, while desiring a relationship & alignment. 

[Phil]

If this occurs… does ‘fighting’ and or ‘not getting long’ still happen?

 

If interested, in one word - what’s this?