The Unfoldment of Light

[Orb]

Stuff that will resolve itself: 

 

- getting car Repossessed 

- setting up new resume for my new job

[Orb]

Am u really passionate about this career? My mentor told me you gotta really love it to succeed in it and have patience. 

[Orb]

Gonna start mainly eating vegan protein bars, bananas, and GOL shakes from now on :). 

 

Today will be the last day of eating big meals.

[Orb]

Had suicidal ideation for the first time in a few weeks, was totally worth it. 

 

The person I spoke to was really inspiring and i feel hope!!

 

I'm gonna stop taking all substances. I've realized I have an addictive personality. It's just the way I'm wired. Not everyone has to use substances. 

 

Tomorrow I'm a new man! I will go through the withdrawals, and keep doing TRE and meditation no matter what! 

 

Nothing will stop me, nothing will stop......LOVE!!!!!

[Orb]

Reminds me of the scene in braveheart when the guy says "FREEEEEDDDDOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!" 

 

🥲💙

[Orb]

Nevermind hahaha. 

 

Going at it step by step. 

 

Gonna let go of behaviors that don't serve me on addiction at a time. 

 

The first thing I wanna let go of is porn. 

[Orb]

I haven't done much today, the suicidal ideation comes up, I called the hotline. 

 

Still not feeling good. 

[Orb]

I got letters piled up on my desk in my room, got bills to pay and I gotta get a new job before the end of June. 

 

The thing is I feel under qualified for my current job, so getting a new job in the same field is tough, I don't even know what I would tell the interviewer I did in my job now, I still don't understand much of anything.

[Orb]

I've tried to survive regardless of my adhd and mental issues but I think it's all catching up to me now. I can't escape anymore, I can't wing it. 

[Orb]

It's hard to talk to people, some people I feel afraid of, some people intimidate me with their beauty, I don't have hope for my social life.

[Phil]

@Orb

What do you actually mean when you say hope?

[Orb]

1 minute ago, Phil said:

@Orb

What do you actually mean when you say hope?

Well sometimes it all seems bleak, like there's no chance for redemption.

 

Like yesterday I was at a wedding and super anti social. I even thought I was autistic, then I ate some food and felt better 🙂

[Phil]

15 minutes ago, Orb said:

Well sometimes it all seems bleak, like there's no chance for redemption.

 

Like yesterday I was at a wedding and super anti social. I even thought I was autistic, then I ate some food and felt better 🙂

Thanks. Was just curious I guess. Hope, faith, etc, just never ‘clicked’.  I think I get what you’re saying. Basically “it” is bleak or the like, and so hope is like thinking / feeling maybe “it” will change or get better…? I guess I’m at a sincere loss for what hope is without the it factor. 

 

What is “it”?

 

Makes me wonder about redemption too. I looked it up. In a nutshell it says ‘deliverance from sin’. That makes sense, but I suspect it’s because sin has always seems to be to think or speak ill against Oneself. 

 

But now I’m wondering… if one is sinning, and yet hoping for redemption… isn’t redemption the end of sinning? Or am I missing something here?

[Orb]

Ahhh I can't do this anymore. I'm not cut out to be a functioning human in society.

[Orb]

I feel stuck and like I have no where else to go. Why am I doing all of this?

 

I can't trust anyone else, I can't trust myself either, what the hell does anyone know about all this? No one knows what to do in life. 

 

It's very much possible for everything in my life to go to shit. I may have to face disappointing my whole family, I may have to face homelessness. Im addicted to drugs and can't stop destroying myself. I keep spending my savings on drugs and food. 

 

I don't think most people understand what this feels like, I am alone in all this. I don't have any discipline or work ethic, I don't feel like doing anything ever. I have tried everything that I've been told to do and none of them have lasted. 

 

Im fed up with spirituality, it's all nonsense. Im tired of all the non dual missionaries just repeating the same non dual lingo. 

[Orb]

I don't want to deal with my family, I don't want to talk to friends. I can't do this I can't do this, it's freaking me out. Feels like im gonna have a psychotic breakdown. How does anyone not blast their own brains out at my age? All this new shit and no one warns you about it, no ones honest about the suffering. 

[Orb]

It's all thought. 

 

Mind is like a radio talk show always playing, there's always thought doing its thing in the background. I tried sweeping the floor and cleaning and being in the moment but there was thoughts in the background, dialogues between me and other people and scenarios and fantasies. 

 

Am I ever really present? 

 

What about all of the unfoldments of truth that Ive experienced? was it all bullshit?

 

I can only know im progressing on the path through thought, it's all thought. 

 

I can only know im enlightened through thought. Yet thoughts are always arising. 

[Orb]

I must be freed from all suffering. It's all I have left. My social skills are poor, my work ethic is weak, if I'm gonna be a fuck up at least being freed from the suffering would be nice.

[Phil]

The judgement is the suffering my man. I know it’s hard but that’s what’s let go. You are not a fuck up. You are perfect as you are. If you want to learn some social skills, some work ethic, you can. That is also how perfect you are. You’re not in the body. You’re not even in the room. That is how Perfect you are. Hell, I’m a bit triggered here… I don’t like you talking about you like that! 🤍

[Phil]

52 minutes ago, Orb said:

What about all of the unfoldments of truth that Ive experienced? was it all bullshit?

NO. Just experiencing a lil doubt. Everyone does now & then brother.