The Unfoldment of Light

[Orb]

@Phil idk how to not judge myself, it all seems so real, it really seems like I'm messed up. I am alone, I crashed my car, I spent nearly all of my savings when I'm gonna be jobless in a month.

 

I think I have autism too, that may explain the difficulty with talking to people and making friends.

Edited June 1, 2023 by Orb

[Phil]

@Orb

 

Idk know how to not judge myself is like Idk how to not drive a car.  

Can you see how it’s setting up an expectation which is impossible to ever meet?

How would I go about learning how to not drive a car? It’s impossible. It’s already the case, the default. 

 

 

Judging yourself is what you don’t want. 

Consider what you do want. 

 

What’s the opposite of judgement?

(Admittedly as loaded of a question as can be, but give it a little thought, see what comes up). 

[Orb]

@Phil I would say the opposite is appreciation.

 

im not sure where the self judgement originates from. I think it originates as a result of the way i conducted myself throughout the day. 

 

like if i played videogames all day and did drugs then I'd judge myself harshly. 

[Faith]

10 hours ago, Orb said:

like if i played videogames all day and did drugs then I'd judge myself harshly. 

That's one part of the mind judging the other part of the mind, good thing you're neither. You're the seeing of the thoughts, but taking yourself to be the policeman when you feel bad and judge the action figures behavior.  It's a losing battle, because it's 2 aspects of the same mind at war. Make a change or don't, but stay the observing, don't become the observed. If that makes sense. 

[Phil]

@Orb

Judgement is only apparent - appearing thoughts. In this case, about a separate self. (I judge myself). In a nutshell the self believed to be judged isn’t a separate self, isn’t ‘there’. It’s a remnant of conditioning. Presently / ‘Now’… it’s ann overlooking that only awareness is aware, and is Self, and the ‘separate self’ believed to be in linear time is thoughts about a self, not ‘the true’, as in actual and only, Self. There isn’t an origin or an opposite of judgement, there is that which is appearing as the thoughts (the judgements)… that which is, unconditional. 

 

The self thoughts are about is not a self, and is exactly as experienced - the content of thoughts. Self is infinite and appearing as the thoughts. Self, which is You, is unconditional and does not know another self, and literally does not know what judgement is, thus some thoughts, such as ‘I judge myself’, feel very off and are experienced as very confusing. Con being that there are two selves, fusing being the attempt to ‘fuse together’ two, which there already is not. 

 

Orb playing video games, doing drugs, is Self in the sense is Self appearing as the Whole Experience. By every possible measure indeed it does seem there is a ‘separate self’.  In accordance with worldwide conditioning, indeed, the ‘separate self’ of thoughts is believed to be a self, ‘my-self’, and therein judgement, conflict, war, so called “mental health issues”, etc run rampant. Yet, in accordance with the only aspect that actually matters - how you feel (so to speak)… without exception, there is not the ‘separate self’ of thoughts, there is the experience of the thoughts, and the ‘why’ such thoughts feel off is - Love. Self. You. Creator-Creating-Creation.  

 

It is most likely what’s being said here is not actually seen and there is trauma suppressed, and discordant interpretations… rooted in identifying as the ‘separate self’… continue to occur (suffering). When questioned it’s readily obvious; there are not “two you’s” - one you judging another you. Why discordant thoughts such as judgement continue to occur is not so readily seen or obvious. That it is believed there is a ‘second self’ is not so readily obvious. It can be made obvious, and such is peace, joy, love and happiness - the very (eternal) nature of You. 

 

Inspecting thoughts / beliefs and expressing arising emotions may not be enough… because it might not actually be being allowed… because there is a ‘stopping short’ if you will with respect to allowing expression… that ‘stopping short’ being the believing of the thoughts about there being - a ‘separate self’. A cycle is experienced: believing the thoughts are true even though discord / suffering is felt… suppressing the guidance felt with respect to the thoughts… and more beliefs arising to accommodate the initial belief, and more discord / suffering. 

 

That does seem to be the present situation. The inspection of experience seems limited by / to the assumption the self thought about, is you. This prevents difficult to experience trauma & emotional misinterpretation from being allowed to ‘come up & out’. That assumption is what stands to be inspected. It’s difficult, indeed.

 

As always, I suggest taking full advantage of all resources available. When suppressed emotions (interpretations) arise the experience can be very difficult and very confusing, even though it is healing via releasing of the discordant interpretation(s). Notably difficult & confusing for the unmeditative mind, as the likelihood of ‘seeing through’ or not believing identity based thoughts is low. Daily meditation proves to be challenging, as does consistent therapy… because what stands to ‘come up & out’ quite honestly, sucks. It sucks just like barfing sucks. But it is the way. It is actually the allowing of Self / the letting go of conditioning. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Orb]

@Phil I do feel like dedicating these next few days to a lot of meditation and vagus / TRE exercises. 

 

I will admit I've stopped vagus/TRE exercises as the trauma coming up was a lot. But I felt more peaceful afterwards.

[Faith]

5 minutes ago, Orb said:

I do feel like dedicating these next few days to a lot of meditation and vagus / TRE exercises. 

 

Just remember while meditating that you aren't the meditator. 😉 It's the one that's meditating that thinks it will get something from it, then judge that something as good or bad. Just notice this...

[Phil]

@Orb

It’s great to hear that you’re aware of the correlation. And totally understandable man, life’s happenin as well. 

[Orb]

48 minutes ago, Faith said:

Just remember while meditating that you aren't the meditator. 😉 It's the one that's meditating that thinks it will get something from it, then judge that something as good or bad. Just notice this...

Oh yea totally, I'll be meditating all day and then be like damn I haven't gotten anything out of this lol.

[Orb]

42 minutes ago, Phil said:

@Orb

It’s great to hear that you’re aware of the correlation. And totally understandable man, life’s happenin as well. 

 

Yea thanks for understanding. James told me that after enlightenment nothing changes except for the fact that there is no more suffering. That's scary but at the same time a big relief lol.

[Phil]

@Orb

Sounds spot on. Nothing changes as in, weird as it may sound, enlightenment is what’s already the case. Unfortunately there are self-purported teachers which feed into the narrative that separate selves become enlightened. It’s textbook suppression and egomaniacal narcissist mental manipulation arising of trauma. Manipulation can actually feel good for one manipulated which hasn’t processed this / done shadow work / allowed it into the light. Also, unfortunately, there is no regulation of the internet whatsoever to curb this. 

 

Enlightenment: “Chopping wood, carrying water”. 🤍

Spiritual ego: “I’m enlightened and I can help you become enlightened too”. 

 

8 minutes ago, Orb said:

That's scary but at the same time a big relief lol.

What seems scary?

Also, slightly different inquiry - what seems scary about what is already the case? 

Isn’t it what is not actually already the case, which feels discordant? 

[Orb]

@Phil I think there's a lot of traumatic energy in this body. There's many dysfunctional behaviors like sex addiction, procrastination, drug addiction, etc. 

 

I want to let it all go already.

[Orb]

@Phil I keep sabotaging myself everyday like today. 

 

I did drugs again, then paid a lot of money on a dating app (like more than 60 bucks) and I'm feeling the disappointment.

[Phil]

33 minutes ago, Orb said:

@Phil I think there's a lot of traumatic energy in this body. There's many dysfunctional behaviors like sex addiction, procrastination, drug addiction, etc. 

 

I want to let it all go already.

My best guess - less than 5% of the population even acknowledges that, and imo if one is breathing, one is carrying some trauma. Severity of course varies, but simply being born into this world as it is is traumatic. Imo you should feel good about that. I think you’re doing great, much better than you tend to think or allow yourself to feel I suspect. Taking responsibility, addressing, looking at it… you deserve to feel good about everything you’re doing. Sounds like you’ve found to things that work like vagus/TRE exercises. Keep balance in mind. Enjoy life / the moment. Try to refrain from spider webbing, and if & when it happens, try to refrain from ‘beating up on yourself’ over it. Just in case you’re not familiar with him… Gabor Mate’ imo offers many insights from clarity / direct experience on basically all of what you’re experiencing & working through. He has many YouTube videos. 

 

22 minutes ago, Orb said:

@Phil I keep sabotaging myself everyday like today. 

 

I did drugs again, then paid a lot of money on a dating app (like more than 60 bucks) and I'm feeling the disappointment.

The other choice is always the non. The non is basically the other than those activities. The non is much like the vagus & TRE. The drive to do the self sabotage is the aversion, or the drive to not feel what would other wise come up & out. You’re already on the path though. I think there’s only going to be more balance and enjoyment & reverence for life, because now you know more about what’s going on, and how to do exercises / practices which help release trauma. That will also instill much confidence and esteem. Be patient & loving as much as is possible. The scale is really helpful. Recognizing / expressing overwhelment gives you ‘somewhere to go’ with disappointment - which is other than ‘beating up on yourself’. What’s done is done. You’re maturely acknowledging it. Be careful not to drag yourself through the mud. It’s already done. Letting go / not beating up on yourself is important. 

 

On the flip side - what is in your everyday that feels good to you that is other than those things? 

 

Also, I would use the journal to spot behavioral patterns. Like prior to the things you mentioned, what happened, and or what was thought and or felt. Dots will connect to the trauma release exercises. 

[Orb]

@Phil I like exercising and drinking tea or coffee. 

 

Yea I'm trying not to beat myself up anymore today.

 

For everything else, It's all prickly. The outside world stings. There's so much fear of people hurting me or being made fun of, and I shut down around most people, like I can't fully be myself bc I'm afraid they'll hate me or tell me to shut up.

 

This is rough man, I don't wanna be a downer but it's just disgusting.

Edited June 2, 2023 by Orb

[Phil]

@Orb

You’re not a downer or being a downer, you’re awesome! It’s precisely because you’re awesome that this feels off. 

 

It sounds like the experience of projection. That what happened in the past, in childhood, will happen in the present or future. Also, that the fear (emotional guidance) felt in regard to thoughts about the past, is related to now or the future. 

 

The scale works. Start at fear, express, then jealousy / what you want, and so on. ‘Back to’ yourself. Then it is more clearly seen nothing is happening right now which is causing the fear. It’s processing, emptying. Spoiled food is barfed through the mouth. Taste sucks, but it has little to nothing to do with the mind. Trauma come up & out - passing through the mind. There’s two ways to go, clenching / contracting / clinging / attaching as it passes through the mind… or grounding, centering, breathing meditatively, expressing, etc… aka not getting too ‘sucked into it’, not spider webbing / feeding into it. 

 

Also - and I think this is very unappreciated in general… there are ‘parachute days’. Days when the work, the barfing, the ‘stuff of old’ coming up & out essentially just kicks your ass. It’s ok to ‘write a day off’, to acknowledge “this is a parachute day”. It’s FUBR’d. “But I will sleep tonight and reset, recharge… and tomorrow will be better”. As you keep doing exactly what you’re doing… that ‘tomorrow will be better’ aspect gets clearer and clearer, because it seen more & more that there IS a way. There ARE exercises, tools, support, and above all - LOVE. It might not be so clear right this minute, today. If it isn’t - don’t add resistance. Acknowledge what is, is. And that is ok because it is, what is. 

 

This make sense? 

 

 

[Orb]

@Phil yes it makes sense, thank you 🙏

 

You think the emotional scale is harder to use when there's trauma? Like it takes longer to go up the scale?

Edited June 2, 2023 by Orb

[Phil]

Synchronistic example happening here at present, studying. 

This question is about determining the Alpha of a stock:

It’s the actual rate of return minus the risk free rate of return minus the beta multiplied by the product of the present market return minus the risk free rate. 

 

That sound like Chinese? It does to me too. Lol.

 

But that’s fine with me. And therein there is no resistance, no suffering. What is, is, I do not get it. It eludes me. That’s what is and I’m 100% ok with that. It is, what is. 

 

But I continue. I write that out a few times.

It becomes more and more familiar.

I might ‘get it’ today, I might not.

But I will.

And if I don’t tomorrow. That’s ok too.

I will.

Might be the next day, but I will.

I’m patient and unstoppable. I don’t hold it to be a problem. I add no resistance.

Self-love. Self-awareness. Self-compassion.

 

I’m putting the happiness that I am first.

I’m putting the enjoyment of this moment, exactly as it is, first.

Presence. Mindfulness. 

[Phil]

6 minutes ago, Orb said:

@Phil yes it makes sense, thank you 🙏

 

You think the emotional scale is harder to use when there's trauma? Like it takes longer to go up the scale?

🙏🏼

 

Harder, no.  Certain emotions more intense, more coming up & out / more releasing, yes. 

 

Harder adds resistance. It’s likely really ‘harder for me’. 

 

What if it is hard? What if it’s hard as fuck!? 

 

That’s ok. Relax. Then that is, what is.  Add no resistance. 

 

Takes longer. Yes, probably. 

Problem with that? Nope. 

Most worthwhile? Yep. 

 

The harder it seems, the longer it takes - the more worthwhile it is. 

 

Do you see the beauty in that?

[Phil]

An idea…

What resolves self-sabotage is essentially self-awareness, self-compassion, inspection of patterns and changes in behaviors. 

 

You could start a new journal and each day use the above as a checklist. 

Each day:

 

’Today I’m aware of this aspect of myself’. (I’m ambitious. I appreciate ____. I enjoy ____. I am respectful. Kind. Polite. Driven. Determined) Anything will work. 

‘Today my practice of self-compassion will be’ (might be an affirmation, appreciating an accomplishment, an aspect of personality, of being, etc)

‘Today I noticed the following pattern: (I thought this and then this / I thought this and then did this / this memory cam up and then I did this).

‘Today I am changing this one behavior. Normally I ________, and today I will _________.

 

 

Comes to mind - the old ‘tortoise vs the heir’ story. 

As an example - psychedelics. Is it insightful, yep. Pleasurable (usually) yep. Is it doing the work, changing any behaviors? Nope. 

The point of the story is the rabbit ‘wins’, slowly but surely. 

That’s you. Doing the work. Day by day. It does create change. 

 

I’m in the same boat, such as with that study question.

Do I get it right now? No sir!

Will I? You better believe it. 

I will get it, and enjoy it, or I will die tryin.