The Unfoldment of Light

[Phil]

Also - your attention is literal magic. 

Whatever you give your attention to - betterment occurs. 

You give your attention to this - it gets better. 

This is absolute. Thoughts to the contrary might arise, and in spite of such thoughts, this remains absolute. 

Such thoughts are met with the guidance of doubt - because this is absolute. 

[Orb]

@Phil I think im experiencing something similar to when Jesus was in the desert for 40 days and nights. The devil came and tried to tempt him over and over, but he kept his eyes on God/Love.

 

It feels like im going through that, like every cell in this body is just at an all time low, and I gotta keep my eyes on God/Love through all the discomfort. I see the fundamental "evil" in my ways and also the complete innocence of it, it's sickening yet makes me wiser. There's a profound wisdom that blossoms when you realize that "you" is the devil. It's like Love is so unconditional it has gone into the depths of what it's like to completely forget its own goodness and then wakes up and comes out of that discord. 

 

There's a lot going on and at this point im ready to just say fuck it and give up, at this point doing drugs doesn't even bring any relief and im still low on energy when im on them. So ive decided to stop all substances starting tomorrow and just suffer through the emotional pain, do the trauma exercises at night, go for walks, and most importantly keep my eyes on God. I will literally pray or talk out loud to God/Love when things get tough, I'll cry, love, suffer, I don't care anymore. 

[Orb]

I have no idea how I'm gonna complete all my tasks. 

 

My job contract ends in 28 days, my savings are drained, I don't have any motivation to keep working, I'm really considering becoming homeless. 

 

I don't care about money, I don't fucking care anymore!!!! 

 

I just want freedom from suffering.

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Orb said:

@Phil I think im experiencing something similar to when Jesus was in the desert for 40 days and nights. The devil came and tried to tempt him over and over, but he kept his eyes on God/Love.

 

It feels like im going through that, like every cell in this body is just at an all time low, and I gotta keep my eyes on God/Love through all the discomfort. I see the fundamental "evil" in my ways and also the complete innocence of it, it's sickening yet makes me wiser. There's a profound wisdom that blossoms when you realize that "you" is the devil. It's like Love is so unconditional it has gone into the depths of what it's like to completely forget its own goodness and then wakes up and comes out of that discord. 

 

There's a lot going on and at this point im ready to just say fuck it and give up, at this point doing drugs doesn't even bring any relief and im still low on energy when im on them. So ive decided to stop all substances starting tomorrow and just suffer through the emotional pain, do the trauma exercises at night, go for walks, and most importantly keep my eyes on God. I will literally pray or talk out loud to God/Love when things get tough, I'll cry, love, suffer, I don't care anymore. 

Do your best not to spiral / think in bigger world sized life sized views, and don’t make any decisions. Keep ‘returning’ to the present over and over. 

Fundamentals and tapering off is typically way easier and more reliable. Hoosiers is always inspiring on the truth of the fundamentals. The life changer is really the daily increments / momentum. 

40 minutes ago, Orb said:

I have no idea how I'm gonna complete all my tasks. 

One at a time in the present, relaxed and actually enjoying your life. 🙂 

40 minutes ago, Orb said:

 

My job contract ends in 28 days, my savings are drained, I don't have any motivation to keep working, I'm really considering becoming homeless. 

There are three activities: Thinking. Doing something about it. And letting it go / clearing out / relaxing. 

(Only two are worthwhile.) 

 

40 minutes ago, Orb said:

 

I don't care about money, I don't fucking care anymore!!!! 

 

I just want freedom from suffering.

Letting it go (from mind altogether) is the teaching, lesson and freedom. 

 

 

[Orb]

I can't tell my mom how im feeling, there's a belief most people hold onto which is that if someone is sad, if someone is at the brink of killing themselves, that there is something wrong with that. That instead of me suffering and feeling this misery, I should be going to church and being apart of a community and always distracting myself from the emptiness within. My soul is rotten, it is dead. Not everyone gets to win in the end. I don't care about winning, I don't care about losing. I can't speak with my little brother anymore. He thinks I have life figured out because im in my 20s while he's 11 years old. I can't smile and laugh and pretend like everything's okay anymore. He called me on the phone twice and I didn't have the energy to answer. I have nothing to tell him, there's no guidance I have to offer. Every cell in this body is filled with misery, I begged God to fill them with light, yet God doesn't answer. Im on the brink of homelessness, shits getting real. I may not have the ability to even post on this forum anymore. I cannot see any possibility of things getting better. There's no room for a paradigm shift when financially everything's fucked, no room for self love when this body is rotten. I can't see the foolishness of judging myself. I don't know what to do, I don't know what not to do. I have harmed this body, I have hurt others, manipulated others, cheated others, lied to people, been jealous of people. I have been lazy all my life, my inner most desires have been buried under doubt and shame. A fiery rage burns within when people ask me what my inner most desires are, how dare they unveil that shame, don't they understand!!!!! My existence is already embarrassing enough, living my inner most passions is like showing the whole world my balls, its uncomfortable, its weird, its gross, im supposed to be repressed, im supposed to wither away slowly, that's what the system wants. How much more suffering until Im finally done? I don't know God. Why won't you help me, why won't I let you come into the cracks of my life. I don't know. Im dead, Im broken, my heart is deflated. I want to die and be one with Love. My heart is on fire, it is in so much pain, I want to scream at the top of my lungs in anger, this rage, this confusion, this broken-ness doesn't make sense, it is inherently discordant. Ive dug myself in too deep. 

 

All my life I have never actually completed anything well, Ive never really done anything. Ive winged all of my school work, Ive half assed all of my chores, ive lied my way through living with my parents, ive been winging it with my job, if I can't complete those things how can I complete life? I owe nearly 6-7 thousand dollars, I have less than 2k in my bank account, im losing my job in a month, a job that I didn't even know much about, I have barely learned anything. I often wonder why I was born, why the fuck am I here, why the hell am I going through this? The only thing I do well is wipe my ass and eat food. Im not being hard on myself, I cannot be hard on myself when the reality is that im fucked right now. I don't want my family and friends to be hurt by my armageddon, to be hurt by my unwillingness to heal, maybe I don't want to heal, I don't want to be saved. Ive been cursed with seeing too much, too much real shit. I can't just tuck my head into a religious hole and feel safety, I have to live with the reality that everyones fucking crazy. All the goody two shoes leftists are lunatics, all the conservative traditional people are lunatics, there's no religious or spiritual community except this one that isn't crazy or wonky or weird. Even that statement is crazy. The politicians are lunatics. The "Tao" doesn't make any sense, so when the teachers express the tao, people turn it into a "thing" and fuck it all up. 

[Orb]

@Phil your unwavering optimism (idek what to call it) is unreal and is appreciated. Im so scared man. I don't know what's gonna happen when suffering ceases, what if I just leave society? Well at least I won't be suffering anymore. 

 

The drugs are annoying, the non dual becomes veiled when the substances wear off, I threw out all my pills already. Im tired of the high and feeling the non dual ness, and then crashing and burning. 

 

I just want to disappear (as in Ego not suicide), im such a pain in the ass, I hope Love just burns me away with no mercy, I hope its horrifying and universe shattering.

Edited June 3, 2023 by Orb

[Orb]

@Phil There's so much darkness coming out now, I have to do the thing I have never done before in my life, and that's to actually do stuff. 

 

It sounds simple but in this experience it's hard, I couldn't even tie my shoe laces at the time when all the other kids knew how, I remember my dad gave me shit about that. Ive always been behind everyone else. The thoughts hurt, how will the Love shine its light on them? I know the answers I think. 

[Orb]

I have never gone step by step and completed a task. Ive never followed all of the instructions in anything, ive never had the patience to just complete something. even with my real estate licensure course I mostly winged it, I never scheduled study times properly. 

 

Why am I hard on myself? Well it's because all my life ive been shit on, I have no reference memories to use to tell myself that Im a confident man. 

[Orb]

I called my brother and I'm having fun playing with him.

[Phil]

24 minutes ago, Orb said:

I can't tell my mom how im feeling, there's a belief most people hold onto which is that if someone is sad, if someone is at the brink of killing themselves, that there is something wrong with that. That instead of me suffering and feeling this misery, I should be going to church and being apart of a community and always distracting myself from the emptiness within. My soul is rotten, it is dead. Not everyone gets to win in the end. I don't care about winning, I don't care about losing. I can't speak with my little brother anymore. He thinks I have life figured out because im in my 20s while he's 11 years old. I can't smile and laugh and pretend like everything's okay anymore. He called me on the phone twice and I didn't have the energy to answer. I have nothing to tell him, there's no guidance I have to offer. Every cell in this body is filled with misery, I begged God to fill them with light, yet God doesn't answer. Im on the brink of homelessness, shits getting real. I may not have the ability to even post on this forum anymore. I cannot see any possibility of things getting better. There's no room for a paradigm shift when financially everything's fucked, no room for self love when this body is rotten. I can't see the foolishness of judging myself. I don't know what to do, I don't know what not to do. I have harmed this body, I have hurt others, manipulated others, cheated others, lied to people, been jealous of people. I have been lazy all my life, my inner most desires have been buried under doubt and shame. A fiery rage burns within when people ask me what my inner most desires are, how dare they unveil that shame, don't they understand!!!!! My existence is already embarrassing enough, living my inner most passions is like showing the whole world my balls, its uncomfortable, its weird, its gross, im supposed to be repressed, im supposed to wither away slowly, that's what the system wants. How much more suffering until Im finally done? I don't know God. Why won't you help me, why won't I let you come into the cracks of my life. I don't know. Im dead, Im broken, my heart is deflated. I want to die and be one with Love. My heart is on fire, it is in so much pain, I want to scream at the top of my lungs in anger, this rage, this confusion, this broken-ness doesn't make sense, it is inherently discordant. Ive dug myself in too deep. 

 

All my life I have never actually completed anything well, Ive never really done anything. Ive winged all of my school work, Ive half assed all of my chores, ive lied my way through living with my parents, ive been winging it with my job, if I can't complete those things how can I complete life? I owe nearly 6-7 thousand dollars, I have less than 2k in my bank account, im losing my job in a month, a job that I didn't even know much about, I have barely learned anything. I often wonder why I was born, why the fuck am I here, why the hell am I going through this? The only thing I do well is wipe my ass and eat food. Im not being hard on myself, I cannot be hard on myself when the reality is that im fucked right now. I don't want my family and friends to be hurt by my armageddon, to be hurt by my unwillingness to heal, maybe I don't want to heal, I don't want to be saved. Ive been cursed with seeing too much, too much real shit. I can't just tuck my head into a religious hole and feel safety, I have to live with the reality that everyones fucking crazy. All the goody two shoes leftists are lunatics, all the conservative traditional people are lunatics, there's no religious or spiritual community except this one that isn't crazy or wonky or weird. Even that statement is crazy. The politicians are lunatics. The "Tao" doesn't make any sense, so when the teachers express the tao, people turn it into a "thing" and fuck it all up. 

This is spiraling. Going ‘my whole life’. Nothing wrong with it. It’s perfectly natural. It’s just good to recognize, so you recall it’s temporary and will pass. Don’t make any decisions. Keep returning to the here and now. Don’t be too stubborn to admit all is well here & now. You’re safe. Everything’s ok. 

 

11 minutes ago, Orb said:

I have never gone step by step and completed a task. Ive never followed all of the instructions in anything, ive never had the patience to just complete something. even with my real estate licensure course I mostly winged it, I never scheduled study times properly. 

None of this is present. This is the barfing up. It’s actually great. Breathe and be present as compared to ‘buying into the story’. Also, wether you do or don’t, the present moment is fine, everything’s ok. To suffer more in the sense of feeding into it vs some breathing, walking, letting it go is the question. Not to imply any of it isn’t good expression or to question the validity, just for the sake of suffering. 

 

11 minutes ago, Orb said:

 

Why am I hard on myself? Well it's because all my life ive been shit on, I have no reference memories to use to tell myself that Im a confident man. 

Me neither. It’s conditioning. Confidence is being. It’s already the case, and there is conditioning unraveling. Which is ideal. Express away. Let it out. 

 

You’re not hard on yourself ultimately. You are yourself. The “other self” is the ego. Where conditionings emptying out and healing is filling in. Peaks and troughs. Everything guilt, shame, etc wise which doesn’t resonate is actually thoughts, beliefs and interpretations about yourself which are not accurate or indicative of you, none of which are your fault in any way. It seems these discordant things are true when spiraling. So spiraling is not a time to think about all this, it’s a time to relax, breathe and just be present. When I was barfing my go to was anything with Will Ferrel in it. That guy can just stand there doing nothing and he cracks me up. Have you go to’s… know what they are… and go to them. Distraction such as a movie is a very good thing relative to / when experiencing spiraling. 

 

23 minutes ago, Orb said:

@Phil There's so much darkness coming out now, I have to do the thing I have never done before in my life, and that's to actually do stuff. 

 

It sounds simple but in this experience it's hard, I couldn't even tie my shoe laces at the time when all the other kids knew how, I remember my dad gave me shit about that. Ive always been behind everyone else. The thoughts hurt, how will the Love shine its light on them? I know the answers I think. 

The Love is already shining the light on them as it is The Present and none of that is happening in The Present. 

 

29 minutes ago, Orb said:

@Phil your unwavering optimism (idek what to call it) is unreal and is appreciated. Im so scared man. I don't know what's gonna happen when suffering ceases, what if I just leave society? Well at least I won't be suffering anymore. 

I am not a separate being which has optimism. Very significant to see. I let go. Optimism just happens. I’ve just already went through barfing up traumas. Discordant thought feels discordant to anyone and everyone. Aligned thoughts feel aligned to anyone and everyone. The difficulty of releasing conditioning is that as it’s ‘barfed’ through the mind, everyone weaves a story about how they are the exception, the one that had it the worst. Same destitute went through this mind when barfin. You’d be quite pleasantly surprised to see just how much the same we actually are. Appreciating the appreciation though, thanks. 

 

29 minutes ago, Orb said:

 

The drugs are annoying, the non dual becomes veiled when the substances wear off, I threw out all my pills already. Im tired of the high and feeling the non dual ness, and then crashing and burning. 

If you’re talking about prescription meds do not stop taking them. Don’t make decisions while spiraling. Talk to your doctor. 

 

29 minutes ago, Orb said:

 

I just want to disappear (as in Ego not suicide), im such a pain in the ass, I hope Love just burns me away with no mercy, I hope its horrifying and universe shattering.

Everything is ok right now already. You are ok right now already. Every time you spiral you always see in hindsight that you were ok. Relax, focus on deep breaths. 

[Phil]

9 minutes ago, Orb said:

I called my brother and I'm having fun playing with him.

Perfect. 🙂

 

Make appreciation the default go to. It never fails. Be thankful for what you do have. See the cup of life as half full rather than half empty. It is the difference. 

[Orb]

@Phil thank you, I have read everything you've said word for word. I'm gonna let the trauma keep coming out.

 

I've also listened to gabor mate, really smart guy, gives off stage yellow vibes.

[Phil]

@Orb

🙏🏼 🤍

[Orb]

@Phil did the same substance today, but I'm not gonna go "there" this time.

[Orb]

Energy is coming up and out, thought interprets it as an existential crisis. The universe is collapsing in on itself. 

 

No please!!! I wanna keep suffering, I don't wanna go! 😂

 

That's what the egos saying.

[Orb]

The emotions are intense

[Orb]

Started doing TRE while watching TV and other stuff. Just letting the garbage pass through.

[Orb]

Did some TRE for about 30 minutes while watching a video on Nisargaddata Maharaj. It was very inspiring and kept my eyes on the prize so to speak. 

 

The impulsive behavior really seems problematic, and although im not freaking out today and am feeling more peaceful - that behavior is destroying me little by little each day. It's very easy to blow money on online dating, substances, or food and not even think about it. Like right now I can go to a sushi restaurant and order like 5 sushi rolls and a ginger salad and not even be concerned with it afterwards. Like, it doesn't matter what the consequence is, I want sushi so I don't give a shit if it means going broke I'll buy it anyways. This behavior is destructive. This makes me consider if I have BPD, as impulsivity and self sabotage are big symptoms. 

 

Im gonna be doing TRE every single day until all the garbage is out of this system. I don't care how emotionally taxing it is. Ive spent the last few months basically doing nothing but drugs, porn, and spending my savings, so its perfectly fine to spend the rest of these days doing TRE and drugs and porn until the garbage comes out completely. 

[Orb]

My only hope (or demise depending on how it's looked at) is enlightenment, because no matter what happens (going homeless, becoming rich, etc.) at least suffering will cease forever. 

 

I have about 4 weeks left of working at my current job, that's how much time I have left to self realize. There's no interest in this experience to get up and work or focus on doing anything other than meditation, TRE, porn, drugs, driving around. I haven't done my laundry in a long time, that's how little interest there is in doing stuff. 

 

My heart tells me that the "straight life" (Working a job, having a family, being financially successful) isn't my destiny, it all feels wrong, Ive felt like im living a lie. 

 

I got my real estate license but im not doing anything for my business and ive had my license for a year already. I don't care about "grinding" or working hard to make money right now. My only interest is in the cessation of suffering. 

 

Im supposed to be filling in a financial aid application to pay off my hospital bill, I haven't done that. Im supposed to be paying off my tolls, I haven't done that. Im supposed to do my laundry, I haven't done that. Im supposed to call the towing company (which I probably owe more than 1000 dollars by now), I haven't done that. 

 

I just don't give a shit about any of this, and it's baffling that a lot of people do give a shit. Like why would you want to do all of these abrasive things? life in society is prickly, it'll pinch you, make you bleed. Everything in society has friction to it. I can't just go to the hospital and get treated, I have to deal with insurance bullshit and pay 1000s of dollars. I can't just go to a therapist, I have to do insurance BS and wait. 

[Orb]

I will say that for all of the stuff arising, this body is more still, less reactive. Last night I was concerned about a wasp outside of the front door. 

 

My mom told me to take a deep breath and stop being so scared but strangely enough my heart wasn't beating fast, my breath was slow, there weren't tensions in the body. Like I was able to show concern over something but physically there wasn't any tension. 

 

I like kava, it gives me a nice head rush, and then I feel relaxed for the rest of the day, ive been drinking it daily for weeks. 

 

I like kratom, it's mentally stimulating and feels nice in the body. Ive been taking kratom pills daily for weeks/months. 

 

Sure self inquiry shows that there isn't any self, that doesn't change all of the bills on the desk. 

 

That doesn't change that im not gonna have a job in 4 weeks, or that if I do get a job I'll have to deal with all of the difficulties in there too.