Orb Posted June 4, 2023 Author Share Posted June 4, 2023 I don't think distracting myself from this will help. Ive basically been doing that this whole time, Ive been doing drugs, eating a lot of food, in order to distract myself from spiderwebbing. I mean, it's easy to put on my earphones and watch YouTube all day and eat food to distract myself from the emptiness inside, but it still hurts. Quote Mention ♾️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted June 4, 2023 Author Share Posted June 4, 2023 I find the emotional scale annoying. But to be fair I barely use it nowadays. Im considering giving it a go. It'll take a long time for emotional expression to go all the way up to love though. And also its easy to feel Love when im on drugs, but when I wake up tomorrow morning ill feel like crap, ive tested this before and expected to feel Love the next morning so I don't wanna hear "well you expected to feel bad so you ended up feeling bad". I get annoyed when spiritual stuff or LoA gets turned into spiritual bypassing or ignoring obvious things happening in the present. I get annoyed when someone provides a practice or healing modality because when I do it, it feels contrived. I was told id feel better if I used the emotional scale, so what if it's all just an act when I do it? I have fallen behind on a report I was supposed to do at work MONTHS ago and I still haven't done it or brought it up to my boss. Quote Mention ♾️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted June 4, 2023 Author Share Posted June 4, 2023 I guess rough emotions are coming up because I feel unstable. Like there's a hurricane inside of me. I want to beat the shit out of someone right now or punch holes through my wall. Im not actually gonna hurt anyone but this sucks. Quote Mention ♾️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted June 4, 2023 Author Share Posted June 4, 2023 Im gonna watch YouTube and wait for the storm to pass. And the same cycle will repeat tomorrow 🙃. Im gonna keep doing TRE over and over again. I don't care if it kills me, im gonna do it a million times!!! Its often recommended to do it 3 times a week, but I don't have all day for this bullshit to come out! Quote Mention ♾️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted June 4, 2023 Author Share Posted June 4, 2023 Im gonna watch pornography. Quote Mention ♾️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted June 4, 2023 Author Share Posted June 4, 2023 Im gonna keep watching pornography, taking kratom pills, drinking kava, every single day while I do TRE and everything. Worst thing that happens is I'll lose all my money. I don't even know what the best case scenario is, I don't give a fuck. Orb....out. Quote Mention ♾️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted June 4, 2023 Author Share Posted June 4, 2023 Just ordered sushi, my stomach will be happy! Quote Mention ♾️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted June 4, 2023 Author Share Posted June 4, 2023 Got my health insurance set up! Now gotta set up the appointment tomorrow. Quote Mention ♾️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted June 4, 2023 Author Share Posted June 4, 2023 I've been feeling the burn so much that I'm sick of it. The flame of Self Love is igniting!!!! ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥 Quote Mention ♾️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted June 4, 2023 Author Share Posted June 4, 2023 I can soothe myself, be kinder to myself. My bicycle had training wheels. Now it's time to start peddling little by little. I'm gonna start being my own guru, my own mother/father/son. The father, the son, the holy spirit. The holy trinity of love. Quote Mention ♾️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted June 5, 2023 Author Share Posted June 5, 2023 I can't do it. Still doing TRE. Quote Mention ♾️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted June 5, 2023 Author Share Posted June 5, 2023 I gotta keep doing drugs. The pain is too much to bear. Quote Mention ♾️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted June 5, 2023 Author Share Posted June 5, 2023 I'm angry at God/Love, whyd you put me in this situation? Whyd you let me be born? Whyd you make me like this? Quote Mention ♾️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted June 5, 2023 Author Share Posted June 5, 2023 Will the shame ever go away? The embarrassment just to be existing? Quote Mention ♾️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted June 5, 2023 Author Share Posted June 5, 2023 I don't see any other way out of this, ive been unstable like this for years, I don't know left from right. Im not even sure if im progressing on the path or if im losing my mind. I don't think everyone can handle life, it's definitely too much for me. I got 4 weeks to get a new job, not even sure if anyone will hire me because im not familiar with the technical lingo to describe the work ive been doing. All I can say is ive done powerpoint reports and used excel lol. I listen to beautiful music and it breaks my heart, because I am listening to something that I can never feel in my own experience, its a distant fantasy, something ive been chasing for years but still haven't found. Tried self inquiry earlier but it doesn't do shit. Ive gone down all the non dual rabbit holes, ive focused on the I am sense for a while, ive questioned who is experiencing this moment, none of it matters, and whatever spiritual insights arise out of it are fucking bullshit and go away after a day. I have yet to find any permanent relief from any of this. Quote Mention ♾️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted June 5, 2023 Author Share Posted June 5, 2023 Im sorry everyone, I failed you all, I can't do this anymore. Quote Mention ♾️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted June 5, 2023 Author Share Posted June 5, 2023 Why did God create a failure like me? Why did God let me fuck up all my life? Why me? Quote Mention ♾️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted June 5, 2023 Author Share Posted June 5, 2023 Im gonna have to get out of here, the walls of life are closing in and choking me. I feel the courage to leave. Quote Mention ♾️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted June 5, 2023 Author Share Posted June 5, 2023 If I tried to kill myself I would regret it, If I survived and didn't die I would regret it. What the fuck am I supposed to do in this situation? Quote Mention ♾️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted June 5, 2023 Author Share Posted June 5, 2023 Im unstable, losing my control, losing the will to act like a normal functioning human in society. I haven't done anything all day except drugs and food and working out. Ive been skipping all my work meetings, you're telling me I can bounce back from this? No, no way, ive dug myself in too deep. Quote Mention ♾️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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