The Unfoldment of Light

[Orb]

Everything's gonna be okay

[Orb]

I think I'm gonna take 6 grams of mushrooms and lock myself in my closet in the dark. 

[Orb]

I felt really good when I was fully authentic with my mom. 

 

Why the fuck am I still going to church? Or going to all the groups?

[Orb]

I hate the human race. 

 

Why are people so fucking stupid!!? 

[Orb]

I hope all humans die. (Except the people I like)

Edited June 5, 2023 by Orb

[Orb]

I'm conflicted, not sure if there's any point in staying alive. But also not sure if maybe things will get better. 

[Orb]

Im gonna start paying nearly 1000 dollars a month for my car (it's the insurance that's fucking me up). 

 

I don't know if I can do this anymore. I have bills piling up, my heart feels like it's gonna explode. 

 

Ive been listening to people who attempted suicide and regretted it, but idk, is it worth it to go through all this suffering? This is horrifying, I feel like im gonna go broke soon. Im really scared. 

 

Im like a little kid, I don't have the maturity to handle these things well, I feel unstable. Probably gonna spend a lot of money on food tonight and forget my troubles. 

 

Still doing TRE, but feeling like dying, really considering suicide. I don't even want to call the hotline anymore, their advice is short lived. 

[Orb]

A friend reached out and I feel a bit of relief.

[Orb]

I might be able to get a different job with the same company and work with a different team! Who knows. 

 

I think great things are coming and I haven't appreciated that! 

[Phil]

 

28 minutes ago, Orb said:

A friend reached out and I feel a bit of relief.

Glad to hear. 🤍

 

 

 

I very much encourage expressing and not suppressing or stifling any thoughts or emotions. However, proceeding to type about suicide on this forum is an other-than immediately contacting a prevention hotline. It’s very important not to ruminate, spider web or delay receiving help in regard to ideation but to instead immediately contact a trained professional who can help. 

[Orb]

@Phil apologies, sometimes i dont call the hotline because my mom is home or im in the middle of work. Im feeling a bit better now and im gonna go make myself some food.

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Orb said:

@Phil apologies, sometimes i don’t call the hotline because my mom is home or im in the middle of work.

Self-love sure seems like nipping it in the bud. Spiderwebbing followed by guilt or shame for spiderwebbing is an emotional rollercoaster and can be a cycle one seems stuck in. Nipping it in the bud is the other than the rollercoaster & the breaking of the cycle. It’s a little less responsibility and reactivity & a little more response-ability. Self-love sure seems to be stopping, taking pause, putting feeling first, and maybe stepping outside. Self-love is really the other-than spiderwebbing & staying on the rollercoaster. I mean… it’s free. Many if not most are volunteers. They very much want to help out. Maybe for them that’s self-love. 

[Orb]

@Phil I can't tell if im falling for discordant thoughts or if the trauma is bubbling up and it's intense. Ive been doing TRE for 20-30 mins everyday for like 3-4 days in a row and the stuff felt today was really tough. 

 

Also, I have a side question: Im learning to establish boundaries and I am a bit confused bc no one gave me clear rules on what boundaries are healthy or not. So my mom often asks me what im watching on YouTube or listening to on my phone. This seems kind of rude, I would never see my friend with earphones on and then ask him what he's listening to unless he brought it up first. So I put up that boundary and said I don't want to share what im listening to. She got a bit upset and surprised and said she was just asking a normal question but it seems like an invasive question in my opinion. It just feels invasive for a parent to ask what kind of media you consume or listen to, like that's none of their business, I can understand for like a 13 year old, but im 22.....

 

What are your 2 cents on this? I felt some guilt afterwards, but I remember Gabor Mate saying it's okay to feel guilt after saying no. Rather than complying with behavior you're not okay with to not face guilt.

[Phil]

24 minutes ago, Orb said:

@Phil I can't tell if im falling for discordant thoughts or if the trauma is bubbling up and it's intense. Ive been doing TRE for 20-30 mins everyday for like 3-4 days in a row and the stuff felt today was really tough. 

That’s great to hear. Sounds like you might be overdoing it a little though. 

 

24 minutes ago, Orb said:

 

Also, I have a side question: Im learning to establish boundaries and I am a bit confused bc no one gave me clear rules on what boundaries are healthy or not. So my mom often asks me what im watching on YouTube or listening to on my phone. This seems kind of rude, I would never see my friend with earphones on and then ask him what he's listening to unless he brought it up first. So I put up that boundary and said I don't want to share what im listening to. She got a bit upset and surprised and said she was just asking a normal question but it seems like an invasive question in my opinion. It just feels invasive for a parent to ask what kind of media you consume or listen to, like that's none of their business, I can understand for like a 13 year old, but im 22.....

‘What are you listening to is’ sounds pretty easy going, like someone basically just making conversation. Small talk. No biggie. It’s different than ‘what kind of media do you consume or listen to’. I think the TRE is doing its thing and it’s more related to that. There might some stuff coming up related to mom. Even if it’s not related to mom, trauma release is a very sensitive undergoing. When big releases are happening, honestly anyone walkin by will do as far as a little mood driven lashing out. I agree with what Gabor Mate said.  

 

24 minutes ago, Orb said:

What are your 2 cents on this? I felt some guilt afterwards, but I remember Gabor Mate saying it's okay to feel guilt after saying no. Rather than complying with behavior you're not okay with to not face guilt.

Yes. It’s ok either way. You do not have to comply with anything you aren’t comfortable with. There really isn’t anything to feel guilty about. If you do, and again this could be related to what’s processing / releasing, that’s ok too. 

 

 

[Orb]

@Phil thanks! I just wanna burn through all of the trauma lol, that's why I'm doing it everyday, if it's gonna suck I'd rather burn in hell for a few days if it means being freed from it for the rest of my life. 

 

And it would've never occurred to me to ask someone else that, just seems invasive but I don't understand social dynamics much. 

 

I also don't wanna tell my mom I'm listening to nondual stuff or like explicit content lol.

Edited June 6, 2023 by Orb

[Phil]

Your mom ask’s what you’re listening to and you’re talking about social norms. It’s a bit of a spiderwebbing / blowing it up to be a big deal (sounds like it). No offense. 🫤 Again, I’d guess it has to do with releasing / TRE work, which is awesome and not at all a problem imo. I wouldn’t entertain any guilt, I’d see it as an opportunity to get a little bit more off the rollercoaster. But again, you are, you’re doing the work. 

 

51 minutes ago, Orb said:

I also don't wanna tell my mom I'm listening to nondual stuff or like explicit content lol

That’s 100% your right. Maybe later you’re comfortable with it. Maybe later you even share it. Also 100% you’re right. For what it’s worth, all religion is seeking too. You & mum are made of and surrounded by what’s sought. 

[Orb]

@Phil i see how thats possible that im spider webbing. My mom in the past was manipulative and i still have trust issues sometimes. She has changed a lot though. 

 

What's strange but nice is that there isn't any tension in the body right now, or any lasting anger or resentment. 

 

After I told my mom I don't want to share my media stuff the guilt came up and went away after sometime and I sat with my mom and chatted with her like nothing happened.

[Orb]

Today physical reactivity has gone down, there's a deep sense of tranquility that is blossoming from within. 

 

Thought is still doing its thing and creating scenarios and stuff, but overall the reactivity is going down. 

 

I think the TRE is working, I love this process, the whole thing. It's been done so many times in movies, books, myths etc. 

 

This is a real part of the spiritual process, the part where you have to go into the belly of the beast! The fruits of the path are tasted, and they're sweet!

[Orb]

There's a lot of work, bills, responsibilities, and overall just bullshit to deal with in society. 

 

But why does there have to be fear or sadness or resistance to it? It's beginning to seem completely nonsensical to resist life, to be in conflict with life. 

[Orb]

The TRE is working regardless of substance use. I think substance use is blown out of proportion by society in general. They're just substances, they're not indicative of moral failure.