will of the heart

[ivankiss]

First day was successful. Worked for 7hrs, had some training, signed documents, met my new coworkers, etc. It was cool.

 

First impression: it's far from perfect, and not as dreamy as it looks like on paper - but that I was kinda prepared for. It's a 5 star hotel yes, but the management/organisation is not the best. Quite chaotic. Had no trouble with accomplishing all tasks I've been given though.

 

For now, my two biggest concerns are the following:

 

a) no time to eat during work hours. Going without any food for 8+ hrs can be tough. And there's no way I'd gain some weight that way - as I wanted. Barely any breaks at all. Non stop standing.

 

And an even bigger concern is:

 

b) There is a big possibility I'd have to share a room with another employee. Not right away, but pretty soon. And that's pretty much a deal breaker for me. I cannot imagine living with some random stranger in a 12 square feet room.

 

So yeah. Mixed feelings. But I'm still kinda optimistic. Off to have my first meal since 7am. It's 6pm now.

 

Later I might go for a walk on the beach.

 

[fopylo]

@ivankiss Good luck with it man!

[ivankiss]

@fopylo Thanks!

[ivankiss]

Another big red flag:

 

As soon as I started, everyone told me there's a shortage of staff. Many come, try and see, and quit after a short while. That's not a good sign.

 

I also understand that's it's not just me in this field who is fed up with this kind of work. More and more people are quitting working in tourism and searching for new jobs. Corona had a big impact on this, but I also think many simply realized that it's not worth it.

 

[ivankiss]

Overall, even though it's not a dream job, if they allow me to stay in the room by myself, I'm willing to work here till summer ends. 

 

Off to bed slowly.

[Faith]

6 hours ago, ivankiss said:

My dream is to be decentralized - travel and work from anywhere in the world, on my laptop. Hopefully I get there soon haha!

 

Sounds good, I hope that works out for ya! 😊

6 hours ago, ivankiss said:

Currently staying in Portorose, Slovenia

 

Google says it's a tourist area? 

 

6 hours ago, ivankiss said:

it's not really my thing. Not too big of a fan of that Mediterranean vibe. 

 

Does that mean you are from another country ..or just living by the sea? 

 

Btw, don't forget to tell your mama you're okay and will have a job with a place to stay. I'm sure she worries, even if she acts like she doesn't. 😉

 

 

 

 

[Faith]

@ivankiss Oops, I replied above ^^ when I got the email response and didn't see the other replies about you starting the job already and stuff  before I replied. 

 

Well, dang, too bad about the no breaks/no lunch. That's a bummer. Hopefully you can have a room to yourself at least. 

 

Nice pic! 😊

[ivankiss]

17 hours ago, Faith said:

 

Sounds good, I hope that works out for ya! 😊

Thanks! Me too haha! 

17 hours ago, Faith said:

Google says it's a tourist area? 

Yup. It's super small, but pretty well known. People come here from all corners of EU. There is nothing but tourism here.

17 hours ago, Faith said:

Does that mean you are from another country ..or just living by the sea? 

Originally I'm from Serbia. Moved to Slovenia at age 15, lived all across the country so far. Slovenia is very small. Recently I've been staying in Trieste, Italy. That's where my mother and grandmother live.

 

I also lived in Sri Lanka for two years and 6 months in Portugal. Would love to spend some time in Bali or Thailand soon. And then I'll see from there. In short; I move around a lot haha!

17 hours ago, Faith said:

Btw, don't forget to tell your mama you're okay and will have a job with a place to stay. I'm sure she worries, even if she acts like she doesn't. 😉

We are not in contact since I left, but my grandmother keeps her updated. So no worries.

 

16 hours ago, Faith said:

Well, dang, too bad about the no breaks/no lunch. That's a bummer. Hopefully you can have a room to yourself at least. 

 

Nice pic! 😊

Thanks!

 

Yeah, I doubt I'll be staying here. I'd rather stay at my grandmother's for a bit more time, than having to share the room with someone here.

 

The manager was not around today, could not talk to her about it. Will see...

[Faith]

1 hour ago, ivankiss said:

Originally I'm from Serbia. Moved to Slovenia at age 15, lived all across the country so far. Slovenia is very small. Recently I've been staying in Trieste, Italy. That's where my mother and grandmother live.

 

I also lived in Sri Lanka for two years and 6 months in Portugal. Would love to spend some time in Bali or Thailand soon. And then I'll see from there. In short; I move around a lot haha!

 

Interesting! I've lived in the same country and state within  40 mile radius my whole life, lol. 😂

 

So, you don't need a visa or something like that to live in these places or you do and not hard to get. 🤔 

 

1 hour ago, ivankiss said:

We are not in contact since I left, but my grandmother keeps her updated. So no worries.

 Oic. Well, that's good. 

 

1 hour ago, ivankiss said:

The manager was not around today, could not talk to her about it. Will see...

 

Well, maybe the universe made a mistake. 😄 I been there done that. When I got out of nursing school I had 4 jobs in 5 months, until I landed in home health. I felt pretty defeated for a bit, but then turned the corner. 

 

You'll be okay. You always have us! 😊 💙

 

 

[ivankiss]

2 hours ago, Faith said:

 

Interesting! I've lived in the same country and state within  40 mile radius my whole life, lol. 😂

Cool, moving around is surely not for everyone. There's something about it that excites me though. I want to explore the world, experience all kinds of things and see myself through different lenses. There's just something in me longing for all that.

 

2 hours ago, Faith said:

So, you don't need a visa or something like that to live in these places or you do and not hard to get. 🤔 

 

If you're European, you don't need Visa all across Europe. But I did need it for Sri Lanka. Me and my ex stayed there way past our expiration date - illegally - but thankfully it was not too big of a deal. Paid a few hundred bucks at the airport when we decided to leave. It was quite irresponsible, but also very thrilling and exciting. A cool story to tell haha! 

 

Next time I decide to go to Asia or any other continent, I'm not planning on staying more than 3 months in one country at a time. That's the maximum period you can get a Visa for.

2 hours ago, Faith said:

Well, maybe the universe made a mistake. 😄 I been there done that. When I got out of nursing school I had 4 jobs in 5 months, until I landed in home health. I felt pretty defeated for a bit, but then turned the corner. 

 

You'll be okay. You always have us! 😊 💙

 

 

Thanks, it means a lot!

 

I don't think the Universe made a mistake. Even if I decide to leave, there will be a very good reason for all this and also quite some benefits.

 

Mainly, I see it as just me practicing saying 'no' and really meaning it. Standing for what I know is true in my heart. Learning to value myself.

 

I never had any real and strong boundaries and I often did things I did not want to do, for whatever reason. Out of some sense of obligation or guilt. I want to define myself more now. Know myself more. What I do and don't do. And that means it's totally ok to say 'no' to things, and not feel bad about it. It's also about trusting my intuition more and more. I've been suppressing and ignoring it lately a lot.

 

I reconnected with a good friend here, was reminded how good I am with people actually, how quickly I can adjust to any role, etc. Lots of important stuff. I'm not worried about getting another job. There are lots of options.

 

Edited May 12, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

Earlier I met with the friend who got me this job and his girlfriend. We went to a nearby park and spent solid two hours together. It was lovely. So peaceful, smooth, honest and natural. We spoke about life, our struggles, our desires, etc. It's been years since we last hung out, and yet there was no weirdness or discomfort in the air whatsoever. Felt very safe.

 

I mainly wanted to make sure he would not take it to his heart if I was to quit working here. I did not want him to think I wasn't grateful for the opportunity and his help. And ofcourse, he assured me it's all fine and that he understands. That meant a lot. It was a big relief.

 

I left back to my hotel room with a smile on my face, energized and with an open heart. It did not deplete, exhaust or shut me down - as many other interactions do.

 

Very pleasant night.

 

I'm still not 100% sure if I'm staying or leaving, but I'm leaning more towards leaving. Something is simply off and I don't want to force myself. Besides not being alone in the room, it also just doesn't feel right. 

[Faith]

6 hours ago, ivankiss said:

There's just something in me longing for all that.

I get it. I can see how some may like it. Although, I've not tried it, I think it would scare the bejesus out of me. A certain part of me likes everything in its place and doesn't like too much change. Although I'll quit a job in the drop of the hat if Im misearable, lol, but I gotta stop that. 😂

 

6 hours ago, ivankiss said:

If you're European, you don't need Visa all across Europe.

 

Well, look at that. I learned something new today! That's pretty cool for you all to be able to do that. 

 

6 hours ago, ivankiss said:

I don't think the Universe made a mistake. Even if I decide to leave, there will be a very good reason for all this and also quite some benefits.

I was mostly kidding, hence my laugh emoji. It's just that we usually can't see the "benefit" for quite some time when something doesnt work out, unless we are very open to it and don't get too emotional. What helps here is knowing that I'm not really in control of anything, although it may look that way. 🙂

 

Seems you're doing well at staying open. Good for you. It's the best way to be. When we grasp too tightly to things we feel disappointment when it doesn't work out. Sometimes disappointment can turn into depression. So, if we can stay positive that the best way to be!

 

Lovely you were able to meet up with your friend and have a good night. 💙

 

[ivankiss]

On 5/13/2022 at 4:50 AM, Faith said:

I get it. I can see how some may like it. Although, I've not tried it, I think it would scare the bejesus out of me. A certain part of me likes everything in its place and doesn't like too much change. Although I'll quit a job in the drop of the hat if Im misearable, lol, but I gotta stop that. 😂

Yeah, in a sense, I like it too when things are well organized and in order. It makes me feel safe. But then it's also kinda boring haha! What I'm looking for I guess, is a nice balance. Some day I'm sure I'll settle down somewhere for good, but for now I still want some adventure in my life. 

 

Good for you for quitting jobs that make you miserable. It's something I'm now only getting used to. In the past I'd stay for too long and suffer just because I believed I had no other options. Only now am I getting used to exploring my options with more confidence.

On 5/13/2022 at 4:50 AM, Faith said:

I was mostly kidding, hence my laugh emoji. It's just that we usually can't see the "benefit" for quite some time when something doesnt work out, unless we are very open to it and don't get too emotional. What helps here is knowing that I'm not really in control of anything, although it may look that way. 🙂

 

Yeah, I find that to be quite paradoxical. 'I am not in control of anything' is just one side of the coin. One can become stuck there. Because, in actuality, I am also the creator of my experiences and am in 'control' of my life. It's just about balance, yet again. It's a play. At least that's what I find to be true. There are times when letting go of all control and surrendering is relevant, and there are times when taking control and making things happen is relevant.

 

On 5/13/2022 at 4:50 AM, Faith said:

Seems you're doing well at staying open. Good for you. It's the best way to be. When we grasp too tightly to things we feel disappointment when it doesn't work out. Sometimes disappointment can turn into depression. So, if we can stay positive that the best way to be!

 

For sure. Just without forcing it - I'd say. If being depressed is what's true for you at that time, it's totally ok. Happiness and positivity should come naturally. I see a lot of people who are acting happy and forcing positive thinking upon themselves and everyone else, while pushing back down as hard as they can all the 'darkness' that wants to rise up and transform them in ways they cannot even imagine. That's 'toxic positivity'. It's not real.

 

I find incredible beauty in sadness, despair and all that 'low vibration' stuff. Some of the most amazing art is created from those 'states'. While singing about how beautiful that flower is, or how nice the weather is, can often come across as boring and shallow. Haha! Sorry, got a bit carried away there. Just felt like expressing.

[ivankiss]

@Faith

I appreciate our little interaction here, a lot. Thank you for that. It made me reflect more deeply and it gave me some extra courage and motivation. It also helped me calm down a bit and not be so hard on myself.

 

I quit the job. It felt good and it went very smoothly. No grudges, everyone seemed to be cool with it. Back to my grandmother's.

 

Something quite awesome happened right away too. I called for a customer support job that offers work from home. I could not believe it. I was invited in their office for an interview right away and was very excited. The interview went pretty well, but idk, after it ended I did not feel that good anymore. I started doubting that I actually wanted that kind of a job. Doubting that I'd be a good fit for it. 

 

They should contact me within a few days... Will see what happens. In the meantime, I'm looking for other options.

[ivankiss]

Well this seems quite relevant...

 

[ivankiss]

 

Invincible!
Invincible!

This isn't happening
(This isn't happening)
This isn't happening
(This isn't happening)
Is this just cause and effect?
(I'm invincible)
Cause and effect
(I'm invincible)
Cause and effect

Did not expect to lose
I never thought I'd find wisdom
In being a fool

All the highs
And the lows
Watch me fly
Watch me fall
Pull me down
Pick me up
Will it ever be enough?

All the highs
And the lows
Watch me fly
Watch me fall
Pull me down
Pick me up
I convinced myself that I was
Invincible

My day of reckoning
(This isn't happening)
It's my day of reckoning
(This isn't happening)
It gives me pause to reflect
(I'm invincible)
A cause to reflect
(I'm invincible)
Cause to reflect

I fought a mountain
And believed that I had won
When I reached the top
There was another mountain
Blocking the sun

[Faith]

3 hours ago, ivankiss said:

There are times when letting go of all control and surrendering is relevant, and there are times when taking control and making things happen is relevant.

 

Knowing intuitively that I'm not in control, means to me that I'm not ultimately the doer. There's tons of doing that gets done, but it doesn't mean there is an "I" doing it. It may feel like there is though.

You can know your aren't the doer and paradoxically be working your ass off. 😊 The ones that get stuck, are ego's that don't truly know what is meant and then sit around trying to refuse to "do" anything, lol. 

 

4 hours ago, ivankiss said:

Haha! Sorry, got a bit carried away there. Just felt like expressing.

 

It's okay. I get what you mean. I just said, imo, it's the "best" way to move forward ( not only way), because I find depression brings a lack of motivation and depressed outlook on life which is hard to deal with when major life changes are also a challenge (ie, moving, looking for a job). I use to be a chronically depressed and struggled a lot with it, to the point of trying to take my life. I can now get situational depression that is momentary or temporary, but no longer do I seem to get major debilitating depression. So, yeah, you can't always be positive or happy or whatever...lows come after highs, to some extent. I agree. 

 

4 hours ago, ivankiss said:

@Faith

I appreciate our little interaction here, a lot. Thank you for that. It made me reflect more deeply and it gave me some extra courage and motivation. It also helped me calm down a bit and not be so hard on myself.

 

Oh, that's good, glad to here it, because I occasionally wondered if I was interfering too much, since this is a journal. Guess not!🥰

 

4 hours ago, ivankiss said:

I quit the job. It felt good and it went very smoothly

 

Well, good you stayed true to yourself and did what you needed to do. Good for you!!!

 

4 hours ago, ivankiss said:

Something quite awesome happened right away too. I called for a customer support job that offers work from home.

 

4 hours ago, ivankiss said:

I started doubting that I actually wanted that kind of a job. Doubting that I'd be a good fit for it. 

 

That is so wild, because you had been saying there were no remote opportunities, haha. 

 

So, do tell, what don't you like about it? Since you say it's customer support would you need to be talking all day? I wouldn't enjoy that anymore. When I was younger I was a hair dresser and talked all day, but I'm not into that so much now.

 

Let us know what happens! 💙

 

Now I have to get off my arse and do laundry, clean the house, groceries...ugh. 😂

 

 

[ivankiss]

4 hours ago, Faith said:

Knowing intuitively that I'm not in control, means to me that I'm not ultimately the doer. There's tons of doing that gets done, but it doesn't mean there is an "I" doing it. It may feel like there is though.

You can know your aren't the doer and paradoxically be working your ass off. 😊 The ones that get stuck, are ego's that don't truly know what is meant and then sit around trying to refuse to "do" anything, lol. 

Yeah, I understand what you mean. It's just not the path I'm walking. I walk the path that honors and respects the individual, the experiencer, the doer, the story. Even if it's all 'illusory'. I find that to be a warmer, more heart-centered path than 'no this, no that'. But I did explore and embody those teachings for quite a while, so I understand what they're pointing towards. Would not agree they're absolutely true though - I see it more as just a practice, a method to peel off layers.

 

Not enough ego can be equally as big of a 'problem' as too much ego. 

 

I never really had a strong sense of self. Hence my path looks a bit different. To some it may even appear as if I'm walking backwards haha!

4 hours ago, Faith said:

It's okay. I get what you mean. I just said, imo, it's the "best" way to move forward ( not only way), because I find depression brings a lack of motivation and depressed outlook on life which is hard to deal with when major life changes are also a challenge (ie, moving, looking for a job). I use to be a chronically depressed and struggled a lot with it, to the point of trying to take my life. I can now get situational depression that is momentary or temporary, but no longer do I seem to get major debilitating depression. So, yeah, you can't always be positive or happy or whatever...lows come after highs, to some extent. I agree. 

 

Sorry to hear you went through that. Must have been incredibly difficult. I admire people who survived hell and managed to turn their life around. I have never been suicidal or clinically depressed, I can't even imagine how difficult that can be. I sometimes feel down, confused, lost, in pain and all that, but I know there are people out there who have it much, much worse. It's quite humbling, and it also motivates me to keep going.

4 hours ago, Faith said:

Oh, that's good, glad to here it, because I occasionally wondered if I was interfering too much, since this is a journal. Guess not!🥰

Not at all. It's quite helpful. Sometimes I see these kinds of interactions as just talking to a good friend, and other times it's like I'm literally opening up and speaking directly to God haha! Either way, I'm enjoying it very much.

 

4 hours ago, Faith said:

So, do tell, what don't you like about it? Since you say it's customer support would you need to be talking all day? I wouldn't enjoy that anymore. When I was younger I was a hair dresser and talked all day, but I'm not into that so much now.

 

Let us know what happens! 💙

Yeah, talking on the phone, responding to e-mails, offering support in chats, etc. I don't know, I'm just not sure if that's what I want to do. Maybe I need a little break from people when it comes to work. It can be very exhausting, and I'm not exactly in best shape these days. I don't like the idea of having to put on a mask everyday for 8 hours... Will see.

 

4 hours ago, Faith said:

Now I have to get off my arse and do laundry, clean the house, groceries...ugh. 😂

Hope that went smoothly for ya haha!

 

All the best.

[ivankiss]

Hmm... PMR you say? I like it. Nice and simple. 

Throwing this into my morning and evening routin.

 

 

[ivankiss]

God, it seems like there's far to much stuff to fix in my body to be able to do it on my own. I've been living in this constantly contracted state of being since forever, and I wasn't even aware of it. All muscles are tense and cramped, my body feels so out of place.

 

I know it's far from the worst it could be, but it's also quite far from the healthiest and most aligned it could be. I really feel like I need some help with this. I am at a point where I am super aware of everything but don't know what to do to fix it. Don't know if I can do it on my own and how long will it take.

 

What I feel really attracted to is chiro therapy, deep tissue massages, acupuncture therapy, trigger point therapy... stuff like that. But all of that is expensive as hell. I cannot afford it right now. I cannot afford to heal myself. That sucks so bad.

 

Simple talk therapy regarding trauma would be nice too, but I don't trust most therapists around here, and if I wanted a really good one it would cost a lot.

 

I mostly need a safe space and a lot of time, but I cannot have not even that, because I must start working and earning a living. 

 

It will be tough, but I gotta try and do it all by myself, somehow. There are no others options.

Edited May 15, 2022 by ivankiss