will of the heart

[ivankiss]

False
The dream is so far
Come and take the consequence
Few things are as certain
Winter state
Oppressive wait

 

Evacuate
Assemble here
Soil's song
In your throat
Future death
In your reach
Who's first
Ok

 

Mask
Your face well hidden
Keep your last words in your hand
Fold it and open up
Time to go
Release the glow

 

False
The dream is so far

[ivankiss]

18, huh? I know what I've been doing back then. I was locked in my room and going nuts on the guitar.

 

Failed at many things, but playing was not one of them.

 

Hello there, 18yr old me. 

Love ya kiddo. And thank you so much.

[ivankiss]

Haha! 

 

[ivankiss]

There we go... That's more like it!

 

Funny, I felt much love for this little guy as soon as I picked it up. The lady in the shop was super kind and cool too. There were quite a few crystals of this kind - some more yellowish, others more brownish... But one stood out to me right away. 

 

About to meditate with it in the park a bit.

 

[ivankiss]

This inner child work, shadow integration, or whatever the heck is going on is really frustrating. At times I want nothing to do with any of this shit.

 

I know this would all take care of itself naturally, if I was making music. That's how it has been even when I wasn't aware of what was going on. I was expressing, healing and enjoying the whole process without knowing a thing about consciousness work and all that biz.

 

I am angry with myself for putting aside the only thing that matters in this life to me. And for what? For some random, messed up girl that I thought was my one and only? For approval? For validation? For love and affection? Fucking hell man... It's so fucking stupid what I did. It's so lame. No wonder I've been a mess for the past few years. I basically sold my soul and got fed shit in return.

 

No matter how far I go and no matter in what direction, I always end up here: I just want to make music again. The way I know I can. Carefree and with a heart wide open.

 

I must be healthy, yes. I must have some stability in my life, yes. An income, my own place and all that. But what it's all for and about, what it has always been for and about, is music. 

 

Then again... I had health, a good income, a nice apartment and a social circle - just a few months ago. What the fuck was stopping me from making music? My computer sucked, yes, but all the money I've spent on weed and unnecessary bullshit could've bought me three new computers. What was stopping me then?

I was hurting and I did not feel ready after that mess of a relationship, I guess. I was waiting for some 'perfect moment' or whatever. I was blocked from my creative spark... The gap was too big. The pause too long.

 

I don't know.... Seems like a catch 22... But I've had enough of it. Things must change, now. One way or another. I've had enough of this bullshit.

 

Edited April 27, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

I am getting that job, even if it breaks me. I am hitting that gym. I am buying that computer and that equipment. Getting that apartment. 

 

I don't care what it takes. I'm getting myself back on that fucking track. 

[ivankiss]

Fear is never gone from your soul
That saw humiliation
Being prey to the blackest of demons
Paralyzed you fail

 

Fallen beneath
The mark of dignity
You fail

 

A demon passed on from one
To the next infiltrates
A mind innocent and pure
Planting the seed to possess
Another soul that is doomed to fail

 

Only Ash Remains

 

A demon passed on from one
To the next infiltrates
A mind innocent and pure
Being prey to the blackest
Of demons, paralyzed they fail

 

Fallen beneath
The mark of dignity
They fail

 

Only Ash Remains

[ivankiss]

Distracting from
Your deficiencies
While you point at others
Enlightened
You judge and execute

To be the only one
To discover the seven
Toss open and pass
The gates to heaven

[ivankiss]

Sometimes the only way up is down.

 

Reaching higher does not feel authentic. I cannot grow faster than I'm already growing. Cannot transform faster than I'm already transforming. 

 

Truth is, I'm tired of making sense of it all. I'm tired of understanding. Tired of not understanding. Tired of thinking that I know. Tired of fearing that I do not know.

 

I cannot escape the chaos. Cannot numb the pain. Cannot silence the voice.

 

It is what it is.

 

[ivankiss]

I'm back in the valley. Being on the top of the mountain is but a fading memory. Was it even real? I'm so sure I've climbed all the way up... 

 

I've got nothing but this light I carry. And somehow, it's even scarier now that I see. Even more difficult now that I'm awake.

[ivankiss]

God damn... I've been missing some Opeth in my life, for sure. 

And I should contemplate this change
To ease the pain
And I should step out of the rain
Turn away

[ivankiss]

In the rays of the sun I am longing for the darkness 

[ivankiss]

I sat on the bench for quite some time, absorbing the sunlight. And then I had this vision of a beautiful, simple life.

 

Me and my beloved, in a cosy little home, somewhere out in the nature. We grew our own food, had our own little divine garden.

 

We were both doing our own thing... Appreciating silence just as much as we enjoyed conversing. We rarely left our home, but surely had visitors stopping by.

 

It was a beautiful vision. The deepest and the most honest of desires.

 

I hope one day I wake up to living that dream.

[ivankiss]

There has to be a deeper, more all-encompassing truth, a more direct and straightforward path than anything I've ever heard from any spiritual teacher or guru.

 

I am grateful for all those insights and pointers, but I will never subscribe entirely to any of those paths. Something's just off, in all of them. 

 

Nearly every single thing I've heard, I found to be equally as harmful as helpful. One can easily weaponize and use it all against themselves. The issue is not thought identification, or the individual, or the ego, or whatever. The issue is also not that you have not consumed psychedelics a thousand times. The issue is not ambition, desire, dreams or goals. The issue is not lack of meditation or any other practice. 

 

There must be a more direct way. And it must be completely unique to each and every individual.

 

It's not a path one follows. It's a path one carves alone.

[ivankiss]

The biggest spiritual ego trip is fearing to respond when someone calls you by your name, because that would imply you believe in separation haha! Been there, it was not fun.

 

Very important note to self:

 

If all you can think and talk about all day is spiritual concepts, if you want to hang out only with 'woke people', if you are afraid of 'low vibrations', 'negative thoughts' or anything like that - you are not liberated. You are a prisoner.

[ivankiss]

I choose to live and to
Grow, take and give and to
Move, learn and love and to
Cry, kill and die and to
Be paranoid and to
Lie, hate and fear and to
Do what it takes to step through

[ivankiss]

I've been judging the crap out of myself since I can remember. I judge others too, but far less, not as harshly and almost never out loud.

 

Funny, it's almost like a defense mechanism... No one can judge me as hard as I can judge myself. Nothing anyone says can be darker than what I say to myself. It's an attempt to keep me safe, really. And it's kinda working.

 

I am aware of how and why I am so judgemental and yet that does not seem to eliminate judgement. So clearly, getting rid of it is not the way.

 

I guess it's ok to judge.

[ivankiss]

I also frequently oscillate between thinking that I'm better than everyone else and thinking that I'm a worthless piece of shit. But again, rarely do I speak out loud these thoughts.

 

It's an awesome feeling, to be right in the middle - so to speak - and feel equal and like we're all in this together and like no one is anything more or less than the other. But I'm not in that sweet spot that often.

 

Most of the time I'm stuck at not being good enough. Everything I do must be absolutely perfect, or else I'm a piece of shit haha.

 

Man, family can really fuck you up huh

 

Negligence is one of the worst kinds of abuse. It's so silent. You don't even know that it's fucking you up.

[ivankiss]

I've been starving for attention, too. No wonder why. I don't do much about it. I don't dress ridiculously, I don't act or talk so that everyone can notice me, I don't post nonsense on social media just to get some response... I don't do shit. Unless going nuts on forums counts haha!

 

All I do is just hide in my thoughts, this place I know so well, and secretly wish that someone notices me. 

 

Haha! That's enough of brutal honesty for tonight. Felt good, but also kinda scary. Don't want to freak myself out too much.

 

Off to bed.

[Faith]

4 hours ago, ivankiss said:

secretly wish that someone notices me. 

Noticed 😉. 

 

💙