will of the heart

[ivankiss]

You see my pain is real
Watch my world dissolve
And pretend that none of us see the fall
As I turn to sand
You took me by the hand
And declared, that love prevails over all

[ivankiss]

You...

You went beyond

And you lost it all
Why did you go there?
From beyond

You saw it all
Why did you go there?

 

If there is one advice I'd give to anyone it's 'do not follow'. Find your own way. It's the only way there is. All roads lead to all, lead to One. But you must walk your own path.

 

You will inevitably bump into people who will try to tell you how to walk your path. And some of them might have to offer a wise word or two, for you to adopt or borrow. But do not try to mimic their steps. You will become lost, and might not even know it.

 

I am waking up through direct experience. Through living life. Anything I hear from anyone, might be true or false. I cannot know for sure. I only know what's true for me - in this very moment. And that can look like anything. In direct experience, truth is dynamic. Ever changing. That which is still and immovable, will forever be still and immovable. I am no longer seeking for that. I never really was, but for some reason, it found me. What I am all about now, is living as a unique expression of that realization. An I. An individual. A point of view. There are things I like about myself and the world, and there are things I don't. There I things I want to change and improve. There are dreams I want to bring to life, visions I want to realize, goals I want to achieve. All of that is what makes me me. That which is beyond me, requires no effort to be and it's not going anywhere. 'Down here' is where all the happening is. Here's where all the fun is. Here's where all the diversity and uniqueness is. Colours and sounds. Flavours and sensations.

 

Nothing is off limits. Everything is supposed to be.

 

Be sad. See just how deep sadness goes. How beautiful it is. How rich. Be angry, be happy, be fearful, be courageous, be all of it at once, be all of it one thing at a time. It's all here for you to explore and experience and it's all perfectly fine. That doesn't mean everything will feel good, or that you will not struggle. It simply means it's all ok. None of it will make you less than the perfection that you are.

 

Tell your story. Be proud of what you've been through. Extract all the juice from the experiences you've had. There is no need to throw away, erase or destroy anything. Simply see it all for what it is and embrace it. Hang on, let go, ride the waves of the journey. Find your own meaning. Create your own meaning. Your purpose, your theme, your calling, your life's soundtrack. Share when you feel like sharing. Take a break, a step back, when that seems right. Do whatever you know to be true for you in this very moment. And if you sometimes go against that truth - that's ok too. Trust that it will all work out perfectly fine, sooner or later.

 

That's where I'm at, that's where I'm headed, that's what's true for me. Felt like reminding myself and maybe inspiring a bit anyone who's reading. 

 

I am at peace now. May you be too.

[ivankiss]

Gotta clear this up for me real quick, because I see it has been bugging me lately:

 

Everything is real. There are no illusions, tricks or anything like that. That's just something you heard and started believing in. It's time to wake up from it now.

 

If Consciousness is real - everything is real.

If God is real - you are real too.

 

This is all as real as it gets. This is reality.

 

Your thoughts are real, your feelings are real, your experiences are real, other people are real, it's all real. 

 

You, as an individual, are an extension of Source. Not separate, but unique and defined. And so is everyone and everything else. It's all just as real as the source of it all is.

[ivankiss]

A thousand more goodbyes...

 

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

No, I don't want to fall in love 
No, I don't want to fall in love
With you

What a wicked game to play to make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you

And I don't wanna fall in love
No, I don't wanna fall in love
With you

Nobody loves no one

[ivankiss]

I have enough money to buy a new laptop and some VSTs that I need now. I could finally start recording music again. But I don't think that would be a smart decision. I think it's best if I let the money sit on my bank account, just in case anything goes 'wrong' and I decide to leave my grandmother's place. I also feel like I would be rushing into recording music now... It does not seem like a natural progression. I can wait another month or two. 

 

I could also invest the money and start trading right away, but again, it seems a bit too risky. 

 

1 out of 4 or 5 full paychecks is in my pocket. If everything goes right, I will realize my vision by the end of the summer. It's so close now. I can already feel it, and I see the ongoing transformation. This will be a big step forward.

 

[ivankiss]

Here's what I want to achieve in the next 4-5 months:

 

1) buy laptop/software/studio equipment 

2) fix my teeth 

3) gain muscle/be more fit

4) improve flexibility and mobility 

5) invest into my trading account 

6) have enough money left to either:

a) move to Asia or wherever I decide

or

b) move into a cool new apartment

 

It mainly all comes down to money. Probably selling my car when summer ends, especially if I decide to move to Asia.

[ivankiss]

And what then? I don't really know. I'll see from there. I will be a new version of myself and I will se everything in a new way.

 

Loosely; making music, trading/making money online, travelling, making new connections... that's the general idea.

[ivankiss]

If you cannot find freedom and peace from thought, bring freedom and peace to thought.

[ivankiss]

I lovingly call on my ancestors of The Light to help me clear any ancestral trauma in my mother and father lines, in all directions of time.

 

And so it is.

[ivankiss]

In the long line behind us of the fallen dominos
Are the faceless men and women
All the lives you will never know
In the darkest nights I live through
Hear them whisper in my dreams

 

"We are the oak of a thousand branches
And the roots have dug so deep"

Hold on through your desert

 

Oh hold on to the reins
Oh hold on to wonder
Our story in your veins

 

Once we were children
Above us burned the stars
And now we come to you in your darkest hour
As you are who we are

 

We would stare into our fires
As you have done tonight
Let the ashes know what's right
Then you can decide

 

Hold on you know what we know
Your dreams are our own
You'll find out in time

 

Oh hold on to memory
Hold on to the edge
Hold on to stories
The decision that you made

 

Oh find your direction
Oh hang on for your life
With yesterday just a blur of grey
Spinning in the wheels of time

 

The Great Wall of China
Is going to crumble in the end
And the graves that still surround it
Echo countless wasted men

 

In the brotherhood of factories
Where the bonds are forged in steel
By the hammer of redemption
In the fires of gasoline

 

So hold on to your brother
Hold on to your team
Oh fight your every hour 'cause
When it hurts you start to win

 

Oh hold on to something
You can do it if you try
There's a wedge between the will and when
But the walls are closing in

 

We were thrown out of our lives
And across a great divide
But as long as you hold on
You keep us alive

[ivankiss]

I feel your presence. Thank you for answering.

[ivankiss]

First impression of the new job was great. Very pleasant atmosphere, my boss is a super chill grandpa haha! It's a cozy, old school family restaurant, just a few steps from the beach. They serve traditional Istrian food. 

 

We spoke openly about everything. I said I'm planing to travel later, so we agreed on a contract till October. 

 

Payment is pretty standard, but I hear the tips are huge here, because of all the tourists. I'll be working 7hrs a day, with 3hrs of break between lunch and dinner. 6 days in a week.

 

All in all; as far as working in a restaurant goes, I think it does not get much better than this.

 

Tomorrow is my first full day.

[Faith]

@ivankiss Good luck with the new job! 💙

[ivankiss]

Wow, grandma got super drunk today. She cannot stop talking nonsense, not even for a minute. It's a disgusting energy, but I'm keeping my calm. 

 

Can't wait to start working, I'll be literally just coming here to sleep over the night. 

 

Alcohol is the devil.

[ivankiss]

@Faith Thanks!

[ivankiss]

Well, this is hands down the easiest and most chill job I ever had haha! Very slow tempo, everything is simple and well organized. There are literally 8 tables in the entire restaurant haha! I've been used to working in 50+ tables restaurants in the past, and I was being paid less than here. It's too funny!

 

The tips are great, food is delicious. Everything seems perfect so far. I am the only waiter besides my boss. One cook in the kitchen, and that's all. No massive staff, no huge crowds, no stress. As I said, it does not get much better and easier than this when it comes to working in a restaurant - or even working in general lol.

 

Have 3hrs of free time now, I'm going to chill on the beach a bit. Later I'm going back in to work another 3hrs. Having this break is gold for me right now. I can reset and come back fresh.

 

My boss said today was quite a busy lunchtime, but I barely even noticed that I've been working haha! I can totally see myself staying here throughout the summer.

 

Very grateful I came across this job. It's just what I need now. Good money, no stress, no long hours. It's awesome.

[ivankiss]

First day was a win. Tips were very nice, not feeling tired at all. Going home now.

[ivankiss]

Ok. So now that I have a good job, I can establish a nice little routine. I'm planning on pretty much living through the same day, over and over again, for the next 4 to 5 months.

 

Waking up at 8AM

 

Meditation/breathwork 

 

15min stretching 

 

Breakfast 

 

Hitting the gym at 9:30AM

 

Shower 

 

Off to work at 11AM

 

Working from noon to 3:30PM

 

Lunch

 

Managing trades/chill on the beach/nap

 

Working from 6:30 to 10PM

 

Shower

 

Dinner

 

Market analysis/opening new trades

 

15min stretching

 

Chill time/music/movie 

 

Sleeping by max 01AM

[ivankiss]

Every Saturday the restaurant is closed and I'm free. That day will pretty much be entirely dedicated to music.

[ivankiss]

Everything went good today as well. The only shitty part of my day now is being around my grandmother 30 minutes before and after work. She's even more difficult now that I'm gone all day. I'm guessing she's drinking a lot more, plus she has to be all alone with her thoughts. She's angry with the whole world. Every third word that comes out of her mouth is a swear word. I kinda feel sorry for her, but also not really. I just want to spend as little time as possible near her. I'd be the happiest if we would not interact at all and I could just come here to crash on the couch. But that's not exactly possible. Instead of paying for rent, I'm paying by having to listen to her mumbling.

 

Haha. A short little rant... Had to let it out. All in all, things are looking good. Just missing my own space, and also missing some female company (mostly sex)... but oh well. I know I have to put all that on hold for a bit longer. It's going to be worth it.