will of the heart

[ivankiss]

Gotta dive back in and focus a bit more on childhood trauma. I know that's the root of all this.

[ivankiss]

Completely abandoned by my father at age 3. No sign of him whatsoever. He never visited, never called, never reached out in any way.

 

Partially abandoned by my mother at age 6. She went to work in another country. 2 or 3 months away, then 2 or 3 weeks at home with me. Except that she was never really with me. She was super young and did not know tons of stuff. She was emotionally immature, absent and neglectful. I always had food on the table, nice clothes, toys and stuff. But I never really had a parent. My mother was extreme this or extreme that. Sometimes she would beat the crap out of me or punish me with fucked up torture methods. Like kneeling on concrete, facing the wall. I developed this deep feeling of terror in association to her. To this day I have it. She was pure hell sometimes. And then other times she was a sweetheart. Never ever apologizing. Never ever saying she stepped over the line or did something wrong.

 

While she was away, I was being raised by my alcoholic grandparents. They hated each other's guts. There was violence all over the place, but thankfully I was never really the target. Not physically at least. I was always abused psychologically or emotionally, manipulated into submission, one way or the other.

 

After a few years, I guess my mother realized I'd be better off growing up with complete strangers than my drunken grandparents. For a while it was her boyfriends - that she was changing very frequently - and then after that it was just random 'caretakers' who knew nothing about care taking, really. A few months or a year one person, then another, and another, and so on till I was 14. It was a mindfuck.

 

None of them abused me, but none of them gave too much fuck about me either. And everyone was trying to paint this picture of my mother being some kind of a saint. 

 

When she was home, she would often throw these big and long parties with her friends, in our house. Everyone would get completely shitfaced. I was witnessing my mother grinding against guys all night, making out with them wildly, drinking until she could not stand anymore. At the time I thought it was normal, I guess, and I was cool with it. I had my own little parties with my friends in my room. But thinking back, that's really not a healthy environment for a child to be raised in.

 

At age 15 my mother moved me to another country, against my will of course, to 'be by her side's finally after all those years. She wanted to secure a better future for me, I guess. I can understand and even respect that. But it was a huge mindfuck for me. New place, new school, new language, no friends, no  relationship with my mother. I started isolating pretty bad. Thank God I had music, all along.

 

I said it before, and I'll say it a million more times: if it wasn't for music, I'm pretty sure I'd be dead by now. Or at least a much, much bigger mess than I am now. Maybe a criminal, or a drug addict... who knows.

 

Music was the only Light I saw in all that darkness. The only meaning, the only purpose, the only reason to wake up in the morning. I cannot thank enough that 6 year old kid who picked up the guitar and fell in love with music. I cannot thank enough Music for being there for me all those years. It was my best friend, my parent, my love, my God.

 

I will be going into more detail, but in short, that's the childhood story. Abandonment, neglected, some abuse and existential terror. That's what's bugging my system.

[ivankiss]

I never really blamed anyone. Not my parents, not my grandparents, not my toxic ex girlfriend, no one. If anything, I blamed myself.

 

I knew it for a while, and I know it even more now: we are all dealing with our own demons. We all have it rough. And if anyone could do any better, they would. 

 

I am not as lost as many are. Many have it much worse.

 

I don't want to hold grudges, I don't seek revenge or anything like that. I simply want to heal, be at peace and free from all this baggage. I want to relax into myself, feel safe within my body, have clarity and an open heart. I just want to be healthy and keep doing my thing freely.

 

I cannot drag this with me anymore, and I cannot ignore or deny it either. I don't know exactly how or when, but I'm doing it. I'm resolving all this and healing to completion.

 

For myself, for all.

[ivankiss]

The breath is showing me the way. I am one with it now more than ever before. I breathe consciously pretty much all the time. No matter where I am, no matter what I do. It's like a non stop meditation.

 

I am the breath. Except when I forget that I am.

[ivankiss]

You're the only one
Who can save what remains
Give us one more sign

 

You're the only one
Who cannot be insane
Watching through your eyes

 

Turn the night into day
Hear our echoes
You must give yourself away
To leave us and go

 

All is coming true
Nothing cannot be lost
Come to our rescue
Come to deliver us

 

You're the only one
Who can save what remains
Watching through you eyes
We can all see the main

 

You're the only one
Who can save what remains
Give us one more sign

[ivankiss]

It's funny, I actually turned it all inwards and against myself, instead of outwards and towards others. I always had a very difficult time leaving behind a person or a situation, even though it was clearly not good for me. But I would abandon myself, my own truth, regularly- in a blink of an eye. I never neglected anyone's feelings or needs as much I have been neglecting my own. Never abused or attacked anyone, but I was abusing and attacking myself frequently.

 

Silent self destruction. Invisible but real.

 

I am not feeling sorry for myself. Well, maybe just a little. But mainly, I just want to establish a more healthy and compassionate relationship with myself. I don't want to keep doing this to myself. Not for any other person, or any other thing, not for any reason whatsoever.

 

It's a learned behaviour. A habit. I did not know any better. I simply absorbed what was around me. I know this is not how I actually am or how I see myself. It is not the truth. I love myself more than words can describe. Yet I keep torturing myself.

 

Please forgive me. I did not know any better.

[Mandy]

I think you're doing awesome. ❤️

[ivankiss]

@Mandy Thank you. 

 

I feel like I'm not doing enough, and I'm afraid of going down the wrong road and causing more pain. My faith is weakened, but I still trust.

[Mandy]

@ivankiss I've been appreciating the fact recently that when I beat myself up for beating myself up, I'm still beating myself up. You are doing enough, you are enough, and you'll be inspired to more. The non-order of the Universe is unending expansion, and that makes Now the best and only place to be. ❤️

[ivankiss]

@Mandy That's very nicely put. Thanks again.

[ivankiss]

I have another interview for a job in the morning. I would be transporting goods in a van. Don't have too much experience with driving big combi vans, so I'm a bit scared, but I also think this job would suit me for this chapter. Mainly because I'd be spending most of my working hours alone, behind the wheel. Not needing to pretend or put up an act for anyone. It would allow me to stay in authenticity more.

 

That's the main reason I cannot work with big crowds of people now. It's too pretentious. I must wear a mask all day and present myself in a certain way. I cannot do that while I'm healing. It makes me wanna run or hide. 

 

My two other options are working in a warehouse or becoming a gardener. I resonate a bit more with gardening. Being in nature and working with trees and plants sounds great. The only downside to that would be being exposed to the sun and super high temperatures all day. But I think that would not be too big of a problem. Either way, both options would allow me to be more grounded, authentic and also more physically active - which I feel like I need now.

 

Did not call for those two jobs just yet though. First I'm going to do this interview for driving a van, and then I'll see from there.

[ivankiss]

I'm also having some doubts about being able to heal properly while staying at my grandmother's. I cannot be fully me around her either. I always wear a mask. If I wasn't, I'd act in ways and say things that would trigger the crap out of her. We would get into a big fight and then I'd pack and leave. So I'm playing it safe, avoiding her as much as possible, spending time outdoors. Avoiding confrontation or going into any dangerous territory. Because truth is, my grandmother is kind of a witch haha! And not the cool kind. The grumpy, angry and resentful kind. But she trying her best to put up and act too, like I am. She's trying her best to be kind, I guess. She's a great actress. But not good enough for me not to see through her. 

 

I could pack my stuff and leave right now, or within a month after I get my first paycheck. I could survive on my own with what I have now. Mainly, I'd have to sell my car - which would not be such a big deal. I don't like owning a car really. I'm planning on selling it somewhere down the line, either way.

 

The one and only reason I want to stay at her place for some more time, till summer ends lets say, is because I want to save up a more significant amount of money and invest it into myself. And I cannot lie, not having to pay an expensive rent for an apartment is a huge deal. In that sense, it is a big help and support from her. But I cannot ignore everything else that's off 'behind the scenes'.

 

So yeah, I must walk on eggshells for some time if I want to pull this off. If shit hits the fan, I can pack and leave anytime.

[ivankiss]

Trauma bond is addiction.

 

That's why it feels like I'm coming off of heroin or something lol. It all makes sense, but it does not make it easier.

[ivankiss]

I was interviewed for two jobs yesterday. One was in sales and marketing, and the other one was in transportation. Today I am expecting a call for an interview in a casino.

 

I hate the idea of becoming a sleazy salesman. I tried it once before and it was awful. I simply cannot sell crap to people and screw them over for profit. It goes against my core values. They were very excited to have me on the team, because of my charisma, appearance and communication skills, but I won't be calling them back. I also don't like the idea of my payment depending on the sales I make. I'm looking for something more consistent and stable now, so I can work on other things in the background.

 

The job in transportation would be pretty good, but there was one problem. I would be delivering goods in the village where my toxic ex lives. Not just there, but the area is included. And that's a no-no. I cannot risk bumping into her. I just started feeling better and more sober since that mindfuck of a relationship ended. A lot of people know me there too; sooner or later the word would get to her. So yeah. It's a no.

 

Casino sounds ok, I guess. I don't mind working night shifts. I'd be surrounded by groups of people yet again, but it's quite a bit calmer and less chaotic environment than working in a restaurant. I worked in a casino once before, it wasn't too bad. 

 

To be perfectly clear, I am completely aware that none of these jobs will fulfill me or make me happy or anything. I am simply looking for the least crappy option now, to go through this phase. I must save up some money if I want to realize my vision. And that means I must work now and have a job I could not care less about. 

 

Sometimes I just wanna leave everything behind and live in the forest, away from this broken system. 

Edited May 19, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

Maybe I'm thinking negatively or whatever, but here's my conclusion:

 

You cannot be real and authentic in a fake world. You cannot be true and honest in a sea of lies.

 

It will cost you your life.

 

To me it seems, my two options in this position are: suffer and be a slave until you by some miracle find a way out. Or join the circus, lie, steal and screw over as many as you can for your own benefit.

 

I could also refuse to take part in the game, I guess. Stay in the knowing that none of this is real and it's all nothing - myself included. But I cannot do that because... music. I care about something and I want something out of this. That's what's keeping me in. I have an agenda. A mission. I also don't want to starve to death lol.

 

So yeah, as long as I'm in, I'm dependent on the system. Or so it seems.

[ivankiss]

Ours is not to question the reasons why
Crippled indecision repeats the path I once denied

Insignificant, am I?

 

The color of sundown, of crimson sky
The beauty that breaks down
And gives the day unto the night

 

And then one day you'll realize
Just a speck in the spectrum
Insignificant, am I?
And then one day you'll realize
The beauty that breaks down
Never learns the reason why

 

Scan my horizon as blue turns to black
The sky is gone again
And all beneath are born to die
Insignificant, am I?

 

The brother of sundown
Has bleached away my past
To look into the sky
If only for one last time

 

And then one day you'll realize
Just a speck in the spectrum
Insignificant, am I?
And then one day you'll realize
The beauty that breaks down
Never learns the reason why

[ivankiss]

For the love of God, Ivan. 

 

Breathwork. Meditation. Mkay?

 

Please. Thank you.

[ivankiss]

Felt like shit earlier, then I did some breathwork and now I feel wonderful. It's quite scary to go through it at first, I often feel super dizzy and lightheaded while doing it, and I struggle a lot to breathe through different areas of my body. But after some time doing it, everything changes. My perception, my posture, the way I carry myself, the way I speak, the way I feel... everything. Breathwork is the way, indeed.

 

Solar plexus is were most of my issues are. I wake up super contracted in that area, everyday. Hence the fog, lack of focus, imbalance, feeling of being trapped, etc. Once I breathe my way into and through it and stretch those contracted muscles, I come to life - so to speak. Tension in upper back muscles also plays a huge role. It's preventing me from taking a full breath. Working through it is not easy, but it is oh so worth it.

 

I got this. Slowly but surely.

[ivankiss]

Spoke to a guy about a new job earlier. The vibes were nice. It's a job in a restaurant haha! I cannot seem to be able to avoid it. Oh well... So be it. I trust it's what I need now, even if it's not what I really want. 

 

What I like about this job is the schedule. I'd be working from noon to 3:30pm and then from 6:30 to 10pm. I like the idea of having  those 3 hours of free time in between, to reset and relax a bit. Feeling pretty good about it for now.

 

I'm going in on Sunday to try it out.

[ivankiss]

In conclusion: breathwork, stretching and meditation is a must before you start your day. Or else you're gonna have a bad time haha!