will of the heart

[ivankiss]

@Tarak ❤🙏

[ivankiss]

Reconnected with a 'brother from another mother' earlier. Had a short but awesome video jam and a very nice chat. 

 

It's been years since we saw each other. He's writing his own story somewhere on the other side of the globe. We go waaay back. 

 

There are periods of silence in our friendship - times when being in contact is simply not relevant. But whenever we reconnect, it's like no time has passed at all. There is much love and respect between us.

 

It's going to be such a trip when our paths cross again. I am very grateful that we're on this journey together.

[ivankiss]

What you don't do is equally as important as what you do.

[ivankiss]

I started isolating super hardcore during my most recent relationship. We were meeting people here and there, but most of the time it was just me and her locked in a room. And later, quite literally trapped on an island.

 

We were young, stupid and hurting. It makes complete sense why the relationship was so toxic. She was the aggressor, I was the enabler. I knew pretty much from the very beginning that I should get the hell out of that relationship, but it's like I was enchanted. I hated the way she acted, but I was so damn in love with her. Blinded by this idea that someday, when we both heal and get our shit together, we could live the dream. That we could be happy, fulfilled, at peace and in love. I fucking split my heart in two to make it work. There is not a single thing I did not try. Ended up losing everything, myself included. 

 

1,400 days of madness. Non stop, 24/7. We spent a total of 3 days apart during the whole relationship. It hardly gets more codependent than that. Working was impossible. There was too much drama to be able to hold on to a job. We both went in debt to get by. I sold everything I had. All of my equipment, my instruments, accessories, everything.

 

It was worse than being addicted to heroin, I'd say. Many who survived similar relationships claim the same. Withdrawals were absolutely out of this world painful. The trauma bond was so damn strong, it took me several times of leaving, to finally fully cut contact.

 

I'm doing ok, I guess. It's been more than a year now. But this habit of isolation remained. Having difficulties to work, as well. I still think about her and everything that went down, a lot. Pretty much every day. Although I want nothing to do with her, ever again. Not even see her.

 

I have moments of anger and all that, but all in all, I honestly wish her well. I know she's hurting so damn bad, I know that is the reason she was acting the way she did. I wish her health and peace. I wish her happiness and love. I wish she stops abusing herself and those around her. But may she stay far, far away from me.

 

It sucks, because I cannot commit to just one perspective on it all. It was absolute hell, but it was also beautiful. It was completely devastating, but it was also one of the most exciting things that ever happened to me. And it would have not happened if I was not so messed up. If she was not so fucked up.

 

I just want to move on and live the life I know in my heart I want to live. I want to heal, I want this fog out of my mind, this pain out of my chest. I don't want to forget, but I also don't want these memories to weigh me down and haunt my dreams. 

 

Show me the way. I want out. Give me strength. Guide me. I feel powerless over this. It's too big and too heavy. It comes uninvited and it goes not away on command.

 

Please. I want to live fully. I want to be of service. I am of no use in this condition.

[ivankiss]

Haha! Flashback to Portugal, right before all of this madness started happening.

[ivankiss]

There is nothing to be solved in the past, it's all perfect as it is and it's for the highest good. But if I don't make peace with it and understand why things happened the way they did, it could prevent me from making the right decision here and now. It could lead me to more head and heart ache. 

 

Parts of me are still stuck there and it's right that I do the work now when not much is happening. Cannot afford to be held back once I enter the next chapter of my life.

[ivankiss]

Frequent contractions in the 'solar plexus' area. I'm pretty sure it's directly tied to focus issues.

 

Forcing air into it and stretching the muscles usually comes with quite some pain, but in a sense works. Opening up and expanding feels wonderful. A sense of power, centeredness, fearlessness, confidence, steadiness and balance. It allows the chest area, or 'heart chakra' to expand and radiate.

 

Tons of tension in hamstrings, back, neck and jaw. Everywhere, to be honest.

 

Stretching and breathing my way through feels good, but it's going to take a lot of time to work through it all. Been considering a chiro and some massages for a while. 

 

The body does not lie. It's showing me everything. It's like a map of everything I've been through.

 

Would appreciate a thought or two about this from you @Phil, if you have any advice. Anyone else, too.

 

I'm trying to make my way into the body haha! I feel disassociated/disconnected to great extent.

Edited April 25, 2022 by ivankiss

[Phil]

What comes to mind…

My guess is the tension favors the right side of the body, if so, for the two cents below, start with focus on the right side, feel into it as you said, then ‘merge’ it with the right… then do the same with the entire body. 

 

Bring up thoughts about failure, pressure, what other people think / rejection… and the accompanying emotions… and ‘shine the light’, allow them to be felt, be present with them… overall in the same sense as the stretching and breathing into.

 

Immediately next, ask if this is indicative of your nature, if this is aligned - and then question, if this is not, who’s is this / from who did this (conditioning) come, who does this really belong to? Question, is one made to carry the weight of two? Would I want anyone to carry ‘weight’ - from me? 

 

If it’s past specific event related, bring to mind the inner child / inner being as well. Heal with mindfulness. Bring to mind, “I may be in this world, but this aspect is not indicative of my nature. It is of this world. It is not of me.” 

 

If it’s present someone else related, bring to mind wishing them well. Know and feel the truth, that compassion and love are of our nature, even when not seemingly present in this world. No longer attempt to, or think that you are, in control of what you are not in control of. Know that ourself, source, is already present within them. Recognize your role more realistically in recognizing source is already ‘on the job’ for them, just as for you. 

 

In either of these scenarios - what is not indicative of your true nature might arise, and it might feel like rage and anger. Careful with the distinction to express is to let go, and to let go of control… vs any inner subtle judgement, really logic & common sense, that anger or rage are unwarranted. Just like it is better to get stung than to live in fear of bee’s… it is better to smash pillows and pound pavement, than to live with suppression. 

 

I also have a hunch this relates to the present, and the past, specifically around age 18(ish). No info or details as to why, sorry. Might event & person / relationship related. 

 

Practically, if it resonates…

 

Eat some yellow foods. Lemon, bananas, corn, etc. 

 

Pick up a citrine at a local hippy crystal shop, and wear it as a necklace under your shirt for a few days. Also, when meditating / bringing the thoughts, emotions to mind to love & heal, hold the crystal in your right hand against the solar plexus, and hold out your left hand palm up & open, as the ‘receiving’ hand. Let the body be a conduit of healing entering in through the left hand, through the entire body, then coming to a point where the crystal is, then into the solar plexus. 

 

Also meditative walking comes to mind, with attention being returned again & again to the back of the legs. Just like returning the attention to feeling breathing in typical meditation. 

 

If this ‘two cents’ ‘brings it up’ when applied - but not completely out… buy flowers for someone. Could be anyone, for any reason. But for you, do it as a gesture to the universe to acknowledge your forgiveness, and the truth of the sensitivity of your nature. 

 

Also, not trying to pry or anything.. but if you don’t live alone… and if it’s feasible… spend some time alone in a nature. A long walk, a night, a couple days… whatever’s doable. It’s the best for anything conditioning-ish to float away and your nature to fill you up. 

[ivankiss]

@Phil Wow, thank you for such an in depth reply. Might need to go over it a few times to fully absorb it, but I can already tell there's a lot that can help.

 

Been walking a lot, everyday, I almost feel the urge that I must. I keep bringing awareness back to the feet, but I don't feel my whole body. Like some parts are literally missing haha. Especially in the lower back and external oblique area. Hips seem to be stuck.

 

I also feel like I need to put on some muscle as well as gain strength. I'm 183cm, 71kg, around 12% body fat - I'd say. Feeling like I do not weigh enough to be properly grounded. Would love to be around 83kg.

 

Thanks alot again, looking forward to implementing what you said.

[ivankiss]

Interesting... I cannot recall any real memories from when I was 18 haha. 19 and onwards yes. 16 and down too. But 17 and 18 are quite mysterious.

 

Hmm...

[ivankiss]

I was in a band back then, I think. I had a small 18th birthday party in our practice room. Had a girlfriend. But why is everything so foggy around it...?

 

Haha! This should be fun.

 

Enough for today though. Off to watch a movie and then sleep. 

[Phil]

🙏🏻 

 

The right to left inner movement of energy / awareness would be great to the hips. Left side / right side tends to be balance by a very subtle shift in the muscles of the hips. When walking, walk slow and make it about mindfully feeling the pull of gravity, like in every single cell at once. Make the walking just the means to feeling that grounding. 

 

18 might be the sweet spot, desired to ‘get back to’. Wanting that feeling again. So maybe what ever followed, around 19, 20 ish, is now something which can be loved / let go. There might be a connection with band, music, going forward, and doing all of that with a lady. It’s always awesome when we attract an angel, and also it can bring up what we’ve been carrying. A certain wanting to go forward, and a slight weight or resistance felt, to be let go. 

[Blessed2]

@ivankiss If you're interested in trying out the healing crystal, try cleansing it in natural water like a sea, lake, river, rain or snow. Also, direct sun + full moon light.

 

I've been experimenting with crystals lately. If you try it, I'd like to hear if it was helpful for you. 🙂

Edited April 26, 2022 by Blessed2

[ivankiss]

@Blessed2 Thanks!

 

Crystals are beautiful to me, and I heard quite a few stories about their power... but I cannot lie, I have quite some doubt/disbelief about them being able to heal me haha. I'm willing to give it a shot though. Off to a hippy shop soon. Will share the experience.

 

 

[ivankiss]

I've been wearing black and gray clothing, pretty much exclusively, since I can remember. Very rarely do I wear colours. Almost never. It's hard to imagine myself in a yellow t-shirt for example haha! I also love wearing white, but not too often. I feel like it's attracting too much attention.

 

Again, not a huge believer in this stuff, but I heard that black is absorbing all the energies from the environment and white is reflecting it. Also heard that wearing particular colours can boost chakras. Not sure if there's something to that, but it would explain some stuff.

[Blessed2]

1 hour ago, ivankiss said:

@Blessed2 Thanks!

 

Crystals are beautiful to me, and I heard quite a few stories about their power... but I cannot lie, I have quite some doubt/disbelief about them being able to heal me haha. I'm willing to give it a shot though. Off to a hippy shop soon. Will share the experience.

 

 

 

Hear you. I'm not sure about healing powers either. But there are some things I feel like sharing, which may help to open some doors.

 

It might not be about the stone sending some energy or doing something, it might be more about what the stone simply is. What makes a crystal crystal, is essentially the molecular structure. Crystal structure = the particles are placed symmetrically.

 

It might be good first to simply remember This (awareness) is you. There is no separate you inside body and something else outside. There is no boundary in actuality. So, when you see a crystal stone, when you hold it in your hand (and recognize it within this awareness), you are in a sense "bringing in" symmetry to you. You are 'sharing space' with it. Maybe the stone does nothing, but be-s what it is (symmetry). And you simply bring symmetry to your life in a form of a crystal stone.

 

If you happen to have a crystal at some point, do this. Notice you are this 'aware field'. Notice the crystal is literally being the same world and moment as you. Then, try seeing the symmetry of the crystal in your mind's eye. You can't see the molecules, but you can try in a sense visualize it, and feel it. Notice this little solid piece of cosmos is symmetry, and is you. Feel it in your hands, touch it, see what it feels like against your skin.

 

For this practice it might be helpful to get another stone along with the citrine. IME in some stones the symmetry is in a sense easier to 'sense' or to 'see' with mind's eye. Rutilated quartz comes to mind.

[ivankiss]

@Blessed2 Thanks for all the info. Will look a bit deeper into crystals later.

 

Picked up a citrine a few minutes ago. They did not have one as a necklace though... Might look for another hippy shop.

 

It feels nice in my hands. It's small and cute. Been playing with it between my fingers while walking. Hopefully it's going to be sunny tomorrow - I'd like to lay down in a park and absorb some sunlight with the crystal on my solar plexus. Then I'd cleanse it the sea.

 

Tonight I'll do a meditation session with it indoors. 

[ivankiss]

Applied for a job today. Was feeling pretty good about it during the call. The guy was very chill. 

 

It's in the field of transportation/logistics, as I wanted. But I would not have to drive all over EU. Mainly along the coast of  Slovenia. Salary is not bad, but more importantly, the schedule is perfect. I'd be working only in the morning, 8hrs, 5 to 6 days in a week. I really need a stable and constant schedule like that now. It would allow me to build a nice little routine, and not be scattered all over the place, like when I was working long hours in restaurants/hotels. It was very unpredictable and draining.

 

The guy said he's organizing interviews next week. Looking forward to getting the job. 

 

In the meantime, I might make a few more calls.

[ivankiss]

Honestly, I'd much rather be making music and trading only. Travelling, writing, making new friends and focusing on my wellbeing. But I also understand that's not quite possible just yet. Cannot skip ahead. I need to go through this phase to get to that chapter. Having a routine like this should also ground me and slow my mind down a bit. I must make peace with being where I am.

 

I doubt I will truly enjoy this job. And I enjoyed even less what I've been doing before. But what can ya do... It seems as if I have no other options right now. Gotta earn some money, some way.

 

My mother moved me from my hometown in Serbia to Slovenia when I was 15. She determined what high school I was going to be attending. I could not care less about it. I always knew in my heart that I wanted to be a musician. Anything else made no sense at all.

 

Maybe I was interested a little bit in architecture and design, or anything that has to do with building stuff from scratch. But being the depressed little lost teen I was back then, I had no voice to argue about what school I wanted to be in. I was too confused because of moving already. I just wanted to skip ahead the whole thing. Get it over with asap. So yeah, ended up attending a school for tourism, because my mother thought it was a good fit, because I was good with people and spoke languages. Dropped out towards the end and started working.

 

So that's why I cannot have a career in what I love and enjoy now. I must do these soul draining, boring, repetitive jobs - for no other reason than to earn a living. I am a creative god damnit! I need to work on something meaningful, to see progress and have a final product. This is torture for me.

I can only see myself doing this temporarily, until I save some money and pull off the impossible. It's a short term solution - even though it's been lasting for quite a while now.

 

I have an escape plan, a solid one, and I've been working on realizing it for a while. But I also kinda need a miracle here. I need the help of the heavens.

[ivankiss]

My thoughts are super dramatic and I feel like a whiny little bitch on the inside. But on the outside I'm keeping it cool. I appear very calm and collected. 

 

Been thinking, and maybe getting a licence for a truck would not be a bad idea. Felt kinda inspired for a moment. Maybe driving a truck would suit me actually. Maybe I'd end up liking it. The money is real good, I hear. I would be going places and I could also juggle trading and music in the background.

 

Will see...

 

Need a gym with a punching bag. Gotta let some of this anger out.