crisis

[judy]

7 minutes ago, Mandy said:

@judyYou gotta put how you feel first to see it clearly though.

and what to do if i feel love and sadness and fear and hurt all at once?

[Mandy]

@judy You might feel all of those within the hour, or within the minute, thought to be after the fact, but Now, you do not. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Phil]

4 hours ago, judy said:

he'll be all distant toward me now (and probably wanna talk about the new girlfriend whom he'll feel closer to than he ever did to me).

Why would he feel closer to her than he did to you? 

 

4 hours ago, judy said:

it's equally painful to imagine never seeing him again though.

When non-existential and non-conceptual, the distinction between pain and suffering is most clarifying & relieving of suffering. 

 

4 hours ago, judy said:

 

i can't figure out how to "make this right" again if i cannot be with him.

how to make all of this make sense again.

That is exactly, precisely what is clarified. It’s the bigger picture, what’s true about you and what’s not which makes sense of everything, including btw all current and future relationships. 

[judy]

7 hours ago, Phil said:

Why would he feel closer to her than he did to you?

he said that to me. that i wasn't that special to him.

given his general lack of commitment and loyalty toward me throughout the past year, i believe him.

 

[Reena]

33 minutes ago, judy said:

he said that to me. that i wasn't that special to him.

given his general lack of commitment and loyalty toward me throughout the past year, i believe him.

 

 

You have been through something I went through. You might want to check out Crappy Childhood Fairy  channel on YouTube where she explains the phenomenon of limerence - an excessive attachment to someone who isn't emotionally available. I had developed an attachment to my ex boyfriend who treated me as "unimportant" And he dumped me. I was hurt and felt wounded and impacted very badly. It caused depression and I sort of lost myself. I wanted his validation very badly. I wanted to do everything with him. It felt like everything was Meaningless without him. My emotions were similar to yours and so I can relate to what you went through the guy. However there is one difference. He did not remain friends with me so it was much easier for me to forget him. I suggest you to cut off contact with this guy who you were with. Because he is a source of torment to you. That's not healthy to your mental health. You need to be away from what's hurting you. You have to gradually (it won't happen abruptly) forget him, move on and find someone who has a deep respect and a loving care for your well being. Right now this won't be easy for you but always hang onto hope. I know how you feel and you did a good job opening up about it. Try to get into your regular gear, he should not be a part of your life anymore even mentally, don't let him stay in your mind rent free. Take care of yourself, you are more beautiful than you know. 

 

 

[judy]

@Reena 

yes i've heard of limerence before. thank you for sharing.

 

it's just overall confusing now when 

- he still pretends to care about me as a friend and he has been making efforts to comfort me, but at the same time, it is real to me that he has hurt and disrespected me in one area at least. (which was out of character for him because he's otherwise really mature and that's not just the idealisation talking).

- he had all these reasons as to why he couldn't be fully available when we were together, but next thing i know he tells me about how there's "something higher" going on with a new girl (whose circumstances appear to be similar to mine but that does not stop him from committing now and treating her better).

....since he's been unavailable to me and that was the one thing that seemed off about him and that was really the only thing that was lacking, it hurts to think now that he'll give all the things he refused to give to me to the new girl, and then it'll be perfect for them. it almost was for us.

 

it's so weird because i still feel love for him when i imagine him happy with someone else now.

but at the same time, i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i'm so superfluous.

like i almost want that pain and it's so familiar. it affirms the story that i am not good enough to the point that i almost enjoy it....which would be fine if i could simply disappear then, but i can't, i'm still here. and if i'm expected to be here and be somewhat functional, then these circumstances are a problem because they definitively affirm the story "i'm not good enough" while i am still forced to carry on somehow.

 

 

in the past few months i've been begging him to block me (cause i never managed to stick with it myself) and that's where we're at since last Friday.

i just keep wondering how it'll be in the future since the affection i feel for him is very real and he says he still cares about me.

 

i can't imagine ever being with anyone but him. i don't want to let in anyone else ever again.

 

24 minutes ago, Reena said:

 

I know how you feel and you did a good job opening up about it. Try to get into your regular gear, he should not be a part of your life anymore even mentally, don't let him stay in your mind rent free. Take care of yourself, you are more beautiful than you know. 

 

thank you🤍

[judy]

On 4/26/2024 at 7:20 AM, Reena said:

 

However there is one difference. He did not remain friends with me so it was much easier for me to forget him. I suggest you to cut off contact with this guy who you were with. Because he is a source of torment to you. That's not healthy to your mental health. You need to be away from what's hurting you.

 

....i've been thinking about this for a while, and it still doesn't make sense to me.

could someone explain how this is supposed to be right?

when you deeply care about someone and you're close, and then in the end relationship protocol dictates that no contact is the best possible way to proceed.

isn't that a silly rule that unnecessarily makes you lose a good person you could have otherwise kept in your life?

i understand that emotions may be too intense to make this work...but if you love them? shouldn't you be able to do it, still?

 

it seems so heartless and cruel to love someone and be close to them, only to forget all about them and never ever see them again in this lifetime.

this doesn't make sense to me.

if i was strong enough and i could love him for him, with all of his flaws and unconsciousness, i could still be around him and love him.

if i didn't feel so small myself i should be able to do this...right?

 

realistically, i know it'd be too much for me if i kept seeing him at the moment... i'd be too overwhelmed and heartbroken, as i have been for the past few months.

but maybe if i was all "spiritual" and at ease with my being, i'd still be able to love him (platonically?) as a person even if he is unable to take responsibility and even if he'll love someone else more.

and would i still be able to be around him then, or is that something that's only supposed to happen from a distance? that i love him for him including the ways in which he wronged me? if i manage to do that, would that be something to only do from a distance and if so, why?

 

isn't it cowardly of me if the only way i can cope is by staying away now?

and that the only safe way to love him now is by keeping my distance?

 

isn't it so cold and heartless of me to stay away now, if i said i love him and i care about him and we had moments of genuine connection?

Edited May 1 by judy

[Reena]

2 hours ago, judy said:

isn't it so cold and heartless of me to stay away now, if i said i love him and i care about him and we had moments of genuine connection?

I would say it's not so much about being cold and heartless as much as it is about protecting myself (yourself). Being friends with someone who you're deeply in love with can be very challenging, easy to say , difficult to do especially when they stop loving you and start loving someone else. It hurts the inner ego or self respect, not the outer ego, but it definitely hurts. It would have made me feel incomplete or undeserving. Why does he love her and not me? Questions like that would have tormented me. It's natural and even healthy to feel insecure, we're humans after all. I would have been able to love him platonically Or spiritually but then romantic love would have lost its meaning. There's a reason romantic love is passionate. Sure orange juice contains water but it's not the same as water. Let's say water is romantic love and orange juice is spiritual love. I can offer you orange juice but it won't be the same as water. Water has its own unique place. Nothing can replace it. His name was Benton. Maybe my romantic love for him would have been tarnished if I had reduced or exalted(depending on context) it to spiritual love. But my love for him was deeply human, deeply romantic. Spiritual love probably might have diminished romantic instincts. But i wouldn't want to forget the romantic memories or dissipate their meaning by obfuscating what I naturally felt for him always , it would have felt like a cop out or spiritual bypassing. I always wish to remember the moments lovingly although it's painful so I don't want to remember at all. Yet whatever is left of it, I don't wish to corrupt it in any way. I want to peacefully forget him. Being friends with him would have been insanely awkward, the stronger my passion for him, the worse it would have been to see him be with someone else. 

[judy]

@Reena  yes i understand that, i feel the same way.  i couldn't stand to watch him grow more distant toward me in our interactions.

but i still wonder if maybe that's selfish of me. 

wouldn't it be appropriate to still love, respect, and care for his soul underneath all this?

 

but he doesn't even need me to be around anymore so there would be no point.

he only needed me to tell me after a year that i'm not good enough. it doesn't make any sense. why'd we ever meet at all then?

[Reena]

31 minutes ago, judy said:

wouldn't it be appropriate to still love, respect, and care for his soul underneath all this?

 

You could love him from a distance. But love has to be reciprocal. We as women always need someone we can give all our love to. It's a primal feminine need. Yet, we're rarely taught to receive some in return. You deserve better and there is nothing selfish in you wanting better for yourself. The love that you wish to give him can be the love that you give to yourself. Heal yourself with love. He might find his love from other quarters. But you have to care about yourself. Put yourself first in situations like these. It's not always about what's right Or what's wrong. It's more about what's truly appropriate for you. The thing that your own intuition/heart will tell you is that your body, mind, heart and soul needs more of the love that you give to others on this planet. You are starved too, I mean your inner self is starved for love too. Do self care routines, positive affirmations, dreamboarding, manifest the love your body desperately craves for, you don't see it but you need it. Also when you get a boyfriend in the future, he should be someone who will honor, cherish, respect and adore and reciprocate your love the way you would want it to be. Being in these romantic situations where you want to give love without receiving any in return can be a bit draining to your spirit. It might look desirable in the beginning but it can seriously drain you. Why tax yourself so much? Maybe the love you wish to give him is better deserved by someone else who awaits you in their life. Save all that devotion for that right person in your life. It's not selfish at all. Selfish is when people mistreat your kindness. You are being kind but this kindness is sort of unnecessary. It can be shown or reserved for those who deserve it even more, someone who might really need you to love them. Think about it. Don't guilt yourself. It's guilt that's dictating your thoughts. Set yourself free. In your free wholesome state, you will wait for the one who truly belongs to you and needs your love. 

 

 

[judy]

@Reena

thank you, this is helpful❤️

[Phil]

On 4/26/2024 at 12:47 AM, judy said:

he said that to me. that i wasn't that special to him.

given his general lack of commitment and loyalty toward me throughout the past year, i believe him.

 

How does the preference to be with someone else equal lack?

 

Do you prefer to be with someone (else) going forward?

That means there’s lack…?

 

Is he / are you the Ultimate Decider of who is and who isn’t, special… and who is and isn’t, lacking?

 

 

What if judgment is felt by wholeness?

[judy]

@Phil

 

i just feel like none of this would have happened if i was good enough and if i had been truly beautiful.

 

the whole situation feels very, very bad and problematic. i probably want it to feel that way, because i know that it is bad and problematic. deluding myself into feeling better doesn't seem right.

 

i'm too ugly for him to love me.

 

36 minutes ago, Phil said:

How does the preference to be with someone else equal lack?

it means that he lacks these emotions toward me.

which is sad, because he's a good person and it would have felt nice to think that someone like him wants me. which ultimately, he doesn't.

 

36 minutes ago, Phil said:

Do you prefer to be with someone (else) going forward?

That means there’s lack…?

i can't really imagine that right now.

there's the devastation that this went so miserably wrong.

 

36 minutes ago, Phil said:

Is he / are you the Ultimate Decider of who is and who isn’t, special… and who is and isn’t, lacking?

no but in my mind, yes. because it's all i've got to work with and the closest plausible explanation is that he is good and i am not.

if we were both good we should have managed to be around each other without causing such drama.

moving forward, i am now the reason he "has learned something" and he'll be even better for the new girlfriend and he'll treat her better than he ever treated me.

meanwhile, i have been used up for the purpose of making him better for the next girl, and so i am just left rotting on my own and i am not sure how it'll be okay for me again.

...sorry i know i am being dramatic, but this is what's on my mind right now.

 

36 minutes ago, Phil said:

What if judgment is felt by wholeness?

yes, i would love that.

but it still feels like i am incomplete and not good enough. this feels bad and causes a lot of resistance toward the situation. at the same time, the situation prevents me from dropping judgment.

Edited May 1 by judy

[judy]

2 hours ago, Reena said:

dreamboarding

i've been meaning to give this a shot:)

 

at this point i am not quite sure about the best medium though.  in the tools section i read that Phil recommends using a whiteboard?

i'm not entirely sure if i have the space for this. an advantage would be that the expression of desire would be more fluid and could easily be erased and recreated.

although i've also been thinking that having a digital dreamboard would be cool because i could insert photos and videos. is this something i should keep private then, or something worth sharing with others (in the form of a journal, for example)?

 

have you got any advice on how to create a functional and aesthetically pleasing dream board that still allows for some flexibility?

 

[Reena]

1 minute ago, judy said:

i've been meaning to give this a shot:)

 

at this point i am not quite sure about the best medium though.  in the tools section i read that Phil recommends using a whiteboard?

i'm not entirely sure if i have the space for this. an advantage would be that the expression of desire would be more fluid and could easily be erased and recreated.

although i've also been thinking that having a digital dreamboard would be cool because i could insert photos and videos. is this something i should keep private then, or something worth sharing with others (in the form of a journal, for example)?

 

have you got any advice on how to create a functional and aesthetically pleasing dream board that still allows for some flexibility?

 

That's a great question. Definitely keep a journal for dreamboarding. Share it publicly. First you might get a couple of ideas. You might not be sure initially on what you really wanna pursue. But as you look and reference your dreamboarding journal everyday, you'll be hit with more clues and ideas along the way that you can keep recording in your journal. You could also title it as "Judy dreamboarding journal " Or something similar  that you prefer. Don't use physical paper and pen right away as ideas haven't yet crystallized in your mind so going digital is the right way. Also check my awesome resources on dreamboarding on this thread. Ill be adding more. 

 

These are great apps from the google play store (if you are using Android) that help with dreamboarding. 

 

 

 

[judy]

@Reena thank you so much:)

[Phil]

4 hours ago, judy said:

i just feel like none of this would have happened if i was good enough and if i had been truly beautiful.

Heartbreak sucks, but also stands to break the heart open to Truth. While it could seem semantical or insignificant, are you sure that’s what you feel like? As opposed to how the interpretations feel? 

 

4 hours ago, judy said:

 

the whole situation feels very, very bad and problematic. i probably want it to feel that way, because i know that it is bad and problematic. deluding myself into feeling better doesn't seem right.

 

i'm too ugly for him to love me

If the situation is bad & problematic, and you’re deluding yourself and ugly - what’s interpretation? 

 

4 hours ago, judy said:

it means that he lacks these emotions toward me.

which is sad, because he's a good person and it would have felt nice to think that someone like him wants me. which ultimately, he doesn't.

Do you ‘lack emotions’? 

If emotion(s) is how thoughts feel… emotion is prior to meaning, yes? 

Do you know who the good people are and who the bad people are?

Is there a preference to be with someone who believes they are ugly / anything less than beautiful?

 

4 hours ago, judy said:

i can't really imagine that right now.

there's the devastation that this went so miserably wrong.

It’s all attraction. Exploring that changes the orientation (future) & is the relief / release of suffering.

 

4 hours ago, judy said:

no but in my mind, yes.

Is anything but thoughts found in regard to this alleged mind? 🤔 

That’s like a half step to what thoughts are made of, which makes a Whole bunch of sense as to why thoughts feel discord & aligned. 

 

4 hours ago, judy said:

because it's all i've got to work with and the closest plausible explanation is that he is good and i am not.

This disregards feeling entirely though, while in earnestly all that’s wanted is feeling (wholeness, completeness, self-assuredness, self-confidence, peace, love, etc). 

 

4 hours ago, judy said:

if we were both good we should have managed to be around each other without causing such drama.

You are both good, and also one of you is experiencing some denial (of that you are Good) creating drama.

 

4 hours ago, judy said:

moving forward, i am now the reason he "has learned something" and he'll be even better for the new girlfriend and he'll treat her better than he ever treated me.

What’d he learn?

 

4 hours ago, judy said:

meanwhile, i have been used up for the purpose of making him better for the next girl, and so i am just left rotting on my own and i am not sure how it'll be okay for me again.

That’s one interpretation. Maybe there’s something to learn. 

 

4 hours ago, judy said:

...sorry i know i am being dramatic, but this is what's on my mind right now.

No worries at all. Heartbreak is such bullshit. You say whatever the hell you want to say here sweetie. 

 

[judy]

10 hours ago, Phil said:

Heartbreak sucks, but also stands to break the heart open to Truth. While it could seem semantical or insignificant, are you sure that’s what you feel like? As opposed to how the interpretations feel?

i don't know what alternatives there are to my current interpretation. i am struggling to make sense of all of this.

 

10 hours ago, Phil said:

If the situation is bad & problematic, and you’re deluding yourself and ugly - what’s interpretation?

i don't know

 

10 hours ago, Phil said:

Do you know who the good people are and who the bad people are?

it's like i have to at least try and understand. it's like my life depends on it, so every day i need to figure out if things are okay or not.

and if they're not, i wouldn't know what to do about it anyway. other than making myself suffer for it.

 

i was told that feeling guilty is a quality of good people, cause if you were bad, you wouldn't even bother to feel guilty.

so if i stop repenting and regretting all the bad things that have happened and that are my fault, i will officially become a bad person, even worse than i am now:)

 

i know those are stories and it's almost a bit hilarious when i type them out. of course they are complete exaggerations. nevertheless, they can feel so, so real and true to me at times.

 

10 hours ago, Phil said:

Is there a preference to be with someone who believes they are ugly / anything less than beautiful?

on his part? apparently no, but also, yes.

apparently, he's got a type. he said i should be more confident, but turns out the new girl's probably just as insecure as am i. maybe that's what he wants.

 

10 hours ago, Phil said:

It’s all attraction. Exploring that changes the orientation (future) & is the relief / release of suffering.

i do not fully understand the situation. it would be helpful if i could develop a clearer understanding of everything that's happened.

 

10 hours ago, Phil said:

Is anything but thoughts found in regard to this alleged mind? 🤔 

That’s like a half step to what thoughts are made of, which makes a Whole bunch of sense as to why thoughts feel discord & aligned.

i don't get it:)

why do thoughts feel discord/aligned?

sometimes in bed before falling asleep when i watch my mind, i notice (negative, painful) thoughts coming up but i cannot bend them. i cannot just think whatever i want, my thoughts seem to gravitate toward depicting what is true of a situation (and i don't even mean my own interpretation here).

 

10 hours ago, Phil said:

This disregards feeling entirely though, while in earnestly all that’s wanted is feeling (wholeness, completeness, self-assuredness, self-confidence, peace, love, etc). 

 

You are both good, and also one of you is experiencing some denial (of that you are Good) creating drama.

i like to think that if we were both good, neither of us would have gotten hurt.

if i was good, everything would be different for me and i'd be more beautiful:) i am not good.               

                                                                                                                                                            (again, i know this is silly, but this is literally how it goes in my mind).

 

10 hours ago, Phil said:

That’s one interpretation. Maybe there’s something to learn.

if someone could tell me what other interpretation there is, i'd really, really appreciate it.

 

10 hours ago, Phil said:

No worries at all. Heartbreak is such bullshit. You say whatever the hell you want to say here sweetie.

🤍

Edited May 2 by judy

[Mandy]

I  started plucking my eyebrows (this was back in the 2000's when women overplucked their eyebrows) because I felt like this guy I liked was interested in me and suddenly wasn't anymore, so it must be that I wasn't pretty or feminine enough. Then he started going out with a girl that had the bushiest, darkest eyebrows I'd ever seen. It was the best, most clear message from Source I could have gotten. 😂

 

There's nothing wrong with you apart from the thought that there is. 😂 You don't know what he wants, stop trying to control what he wants, he doesn't know what he wants. Just know what you want.

[Phil]

18 hours ago, judy said:

i just feel like none of this would have happened if i was good enough and if i had been truly beautiful.

 

the whole situation feels very, very bad and problematic. i probably want it to feel that way, because i know that it is bad and problematic. deluding myself into feeling better doesn't seem right.

 

i'm too ugly for him to love me

If that’s what you feel like and how the situation feels, what is interpretation?

 

18 hours ago, judy said:

means that he lacks these emotions toward me.

Are any emotions felt alongside all of these interpretations?