crisis

[judy]

2 minutes ago, Phil said:

Everyone will. Isn’t it so?

shouldn't i be able to keep loving people and start loving new ones without needing to "delete" the old ones?

i'd like to be able to do that.

 

why's he got to be erased completely from my life from here on? this doesn't seem right.

i'd like to be able to keep him in my life and still be a part of his life. and show him that i respect him as a person and exactly how he is. 

can that only be done from a distance or can there still be valuable interactions between us moving forward?

[Phil]

@judy

What are better feeling interpretations? 

[judy]

27 minutes ago, Phil said:

@judy

What are better feeling interpretations? 

i don't have to forget him and i don't have to stop loving him.

 

 

but even so, there's still the pain of no longer being able to have that same emotional connection with him moving forward. this distance being between us all of a sudden, whether we talk to each other again or not.

 

i'd like to tell him again that i love him and that i care about him and that i am thankful for his existence.

but i can't tell him that now.

and at some point that'd be really weird if i kept trying to tell him that while he's moved on with his life.

[judy]

maybe i can't ever talk to him again because i am too weak and insecure. and then it's my fault that everything good between us is broken now. and it'd just be really sad.

[Phil]

@judy

 

If you’re insecure, what is insecurity?

[Phil]

@judy

How do you believe the thoughts of a separate self which is not good enough & is insecure, suppressing the unworthiness & insecurity felt, and yet have emotional connection with someone else?

[judy]

52 minutes ago, Phil said:

@judy

 

If you’re insecure, what is insecurity?

 

i am insecure.

insecurity is a lack of security. a lack of safety and stability.

i need someone or something to provide safety and stability for me in my life.

 

but at times it turns out there is absolutely nothing to hold onto, no certainty and no stability whatsoever. no safety.

 

[judy]

52 minutes ago, Phil said:

@judy

How do you believe the thoughts of a separate self which is not good enough & is insecure, suppressing the unworthiness & insecurity felt, and yet have emotional connection with someone else?

 

i thought he could provide me with a certain sense of safety and stability in my life. he gave me that impression in the beginning.

 

i don't know how we could have an emotional connection, we just did.

 

52 minutes ago, Phil said:

@judy

suppressing the unworthiness & insecurity felt

this part is a bit weird.

i like to tell myself all the time how bad i am, and yet this causes massive resistance and i do not want to believe it.

if i actually accepted being bad and inferior, i would not feel so bad about it.

....which is worse because maybe now you tell me i have to accept being inferior and bad, and that'll fix everything?

but i do not wish to accept that and don't want to be bad and inferior.

 

 

....sorry i know this must be so annoying to you. or maybe it's fun for you, idk.

[judy]

4 hours ago, Phil said:

Like blaming someone for how they feel before acknowledging blame is felt. 

who do you think i am blaming? him, myself, the Universe?

 

why do you think blame is felt?

[Phil]

1 hour ago, judy said:

i am insecure.

insecurity is a lack of security. a lack of safety and stability.

i need someone or something to provide safety and stability for me in my life.

If that were true it would resonate, right?

 

Does it resonate?

[judy]

1 hour ago, Phil said:

If that were true it would resonate, right?

i mean it's kind of true.

maybe i could make some minor changes and formulate this differently, but essentially this is the case.

[judy]

@Phil  i remember you not liking this expression, but there's also nothing stable about my "state of consciousness". it's fluid, it keeps morphing and shifting. i feel weird. there's nothing steady about anything - that really scares me. nothing steady about any one perspective because thoughts and emotions and impressions are so numerous. i don't even have the words for it.

nothing to hold onto.

 

can't i have something to hold onto within all of this? i would appreciate that. a bit of stability and security.

[judy]

i get so anxious after talking to you for too long Phil. i don't even know what's true anymore and don't know if i can believe my own thoughts. that's scary, i don't want that.

[Mandy]

14 hours ago, judy said:

i don't even know what's true anymore and don't know if i can believe my own thoughts. that's scary, i don't want that.

That I know that I DON'T know is a believed thought. That there is fear, is the emotional guidance responding to the thought. That it IS scary is a believed thought. It's all right here and now.

 

Let the momentum play out that it seems big, dramatic or otherwise. Let it lighten and ease. Do stuff that is restorative and fun, even if it seems horribly boring, get out in nature. It might seem like you want some huge healing or revelation, but what you want most of all is perfect timing, not forced manifestation. We wait for fruit to ripen before it's harvested. 

 

Boredom is the most underrated emotion. 

 

 

[judy]

8 minutes ago, Mandy said:

That I know that I DON'T know is a believed thought. That there is fear, is the emotional guidance responding to the thought. That it IS scary is a believed thought. It's all right here and now.

okay:)

 

9 minutes ago, Mandy said:

Boredom is the most underrated emotion.

in recent months i have found that i can feel both stressed and bored with my life at the same time. it's a very awkward, unexpected combination.

sometimes i think i'd rather have some action and have something happen to give me an adrenaline rush even if it's scary and devastating. at least that gives me something to do, something new to work with. it's better than waiting and being stagnant, better than being in bed all day and thinking and getting nowhere.

but i also don't know if there's anything i can do to make things better now. maybe i only make things worse.

[Mandy]

@judy There's plenty to do that is nonaction that isn't just poking a sleeping dog, because getting bit by it is better than its ignoring you. Run, skip, skate, dance, hike, paint, draw, write, swing, rest, decorate, create. Let sleeping dogs lie. They'll happily join you when they see you running, skipping, dancing, etc. Attract the love and affection you want. If you decide to pluck your eyebrows, you do it for you, girl. 😂 Forget what anyone else thinks. 

[Mandy]

Cat videos could perhaps be the most underutilized unappreciated resource on this planet. 

[judy]

47 minutes ago, Mandy said:

Cat videos could perhaps be the most underutilized unappreciated resource on this planet. 

agreed:)

 

 

[judy]

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

@judy There's plenty to do that is nonaction that isn't just poking a sleeping dog, because getting bit by it is better than its ignoring you. Run, skip, skate, dance, hike, paint, draw, write, swing, rest, decorate, create. Let sleeping dogs lie. They'll happily join you when they see you running, skipping, dancing, etc. Attract the love and affection you want.

 

perhaps i am confused as to which actions qualify as "letting the dog sleep" and which do not.

is talking about the pain only going to make it worse? cause it only makes me get hung up on it even further, and makes me get even more upset? at the same time, i'll certainly keep thinking about it, and then maybe it's helpful to let others know what's on my mind and why i am in pain? to process it?

 

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

If you decide to pluck your eyebrows, you do it for you, girl. 😂 Forget what anyone else thinks. 

🤣

[Phil]

21 hours ago, judy said:

@Phil  i remember you not liking this expression, but there's also nothing stable about my "state of consciousness".

The thought that there are states of consciousness is on behalf of a separate self, the knower or understander, separate of & which knows or understands consciousness; that there are states of consciousness. It’s not that ‘there is someone else who doesn’t like it’. It’s experiential misidentification, delusion. The separate self of thoughts / how those thoughts feel, is what suffering is. 

 

Illusory identity is fundamentally “I’m here”, “I know”.  ‘States of consciousness’ is conceptualization on behalf of a false identity based on aversion / intense attachment with thought / emotional suppression. 

 

Objectification of consciousness (states) on behalf of a nonexistent subject (knower). 

 

 

21 hours ago, judy said:

it's fluid, it keeps morphing and shifting.

Notice the implied identity separation, the one for whom there’s an it, the one which is not it, the one which knows about it. 

 

21 hours ago, judy said:

there's nothing steady about anything - that really scares me.

The one who knows there are states of consciousness, the one who knows there’s an it… these thoughts feel ‘off’, and the emotion fear is conceptualized on behalf of the separate self of thoughts as that scares me. (Subject object duality, concept).

 

21 hours ago, judy said:

 

nothing steady about any one perspective because thoughts and emotions and impressions are so numerous. i don't even have the words for it.

Actually the one perspective is steady as all get out, and all thoughts & interpretations appear within. ‘Nothing steady about perspective’ is an apparent interpretation. That there’s an experience of an interpretation about how not steady perspective is… is how steady perspective is. 

 

I mean really. The ‘whole show’ disappears every night as it were, and reappears every morning - and this is unnoticed. What kind of steady is you lookin for? Even the states paradigm resumes perfectly. 

 

21 hours ago, judy said:

nothing to hold onto.

So steady in fact, an interpretation arises on behalf of a separate self, a knower, which knows what nothing is. 

 

21 hours ago, judy said:

 

can't i have something to hold onto within all of this? i would appreciate that. a bit of stability and security.

You’re infinite. Stability & security are not an issue. There are these thoughts, and there is the guidance of emotion. There is also aversion & suppression, such as believing there is a separate self, the knower. 

 

It might be clarifying to note ‘the emperor’s new clothes’. The point is you’re already naked. So to speak. You can ‘put on all kinds of knowing / clothes’. You’re still naked obviously / there is still how thoughts you’re appearing as feel to you. You are Being, being. 

 

Might also be clarifying to notice the comparison implied by thought. To derive ‘this state of consciousness’ is to compare with ‘that state of consciousness’. Where is this state of consciousness and that state of consciousness? Thought / memory, isn’t it? Perhaps there’s an opportunity to notice and no longer believe comparative thoughts, and to feel the emotion of comparative thoughts. 

 

Pain is bodily & localized. As in can be pointed to. Suffering is not, and can’t be pointed to. 

 

 

Something to consider if interested… emotional suppression doesn’t hold up in relationships like theories & concepts don’t hold up in two way conversations (communication). A one-way video can be very convincing as consciousness is innocence & must initially overlook the reality of itself (Being, being). The free monthly two-way calls may be more conducive to relationships than one-way videos. Consider the relationships and or isolation of the source of the theories, in the ‘is what you’re convinced of & emulating conducive with what you actually want to create & experience’ sense. Make sense?

 

Also if interested, consider the obviousness of the discord not only relationships wise, but health & well-being wise, and maybe allow some exercise. Draw directly of the source vs resources. 

 

If that isn’t clarifying just imagine a boyfriend, husband, s.o., which doesn’t share the same beliefs in states, knowing & understanding. What would it be like, just presence, actually hearing what you’re saying & responding, unfettered of such (separate) self referential activities of thought & reactionary actions & behaviors?

 

Then of course flip the scrip on yourself. How are you relationship wise? Are your theories even compatible with relationships in terms of authenticity, sincerity, transparency, honesty? 

 

I for one wouldn’t hang around long. The ensuing manipulation just doesn’t resonate. This love isn’t coming from me. Enablement, codependency, emotional rollercoaster. No thanks. Pass.