judy

eu sou bonita.

i enjoy "architectural dreams". where the insides of buildings or rooms are arranged in a special way and that leaves an impression on me. the way "space" is structured. some rooms leave an impression on me that feels safe and perfect and wholesome.

i took a long nap this afternoon and had some interesting dreams. more of that, please. i went for an evening walk and strolled along my favourite road in the city. with all the houses and fences and gardens, the blossoming trees....more of that, please.

i want someone to hit me or choke me, and stop me feeling so guilty. ...i know i'm not supposed to say those things but i keep coming back to this. it'd be such a relief if someone could hurt me. that's better than the pain of being abandoned. the pain of having done everything wrong and being unable to undo any of it now. since you hurt me emotionally and i'm in so much pain... i almost need to be hurt physically. i wish you could have done that for me. it would have eased the rest of my pain and calmed my nerves.

yes i can confirm that, but it doesn't seem right to refute my thoughts just because they feel bad. maybe sometimes things are simply so bad that to think the truth of them requires me to feel bad, and there's nothing i can do about that. i can't just think untrue thoughts to make me feel good. i feel vulnerable.

@Phil who or what do you think i am blaming? probably not but if rough estimates are all i've got to work with, so be it. better than there being absolutely nothing to hold onto. i'd rather be pretend-right than being completely helpless and exposed.

gratitudes i've been enjoying comedy lately. now that my hair is a little shorter it's easier to French braid it, so i'm trying to practice that as it grows longer again. the students i tutor in French and English appreciate my support. i went babysitting on Friday and took the little boy out for a walk, then fed him from a bottle before nap time. at the moment it's quite lovely outside. today and yesterday i've worn my new dress. i love it! it's got a long flower skirt and a white top. i never thought i'd feel comfortable wearing long dresses or maxi skirts, but it turns out i feel very comfortable and i wouldn't mind wearing those more often.

i'd like to feel innocent again. that seems really complicated and difficult. i don't know how i could justify this. it seems unsafe and dangerous. i don't know if i could let loose and relax enough as to let that happen. i would first need proof that this is the right thing to do. i can't just let that happen without knowing if it's okay. have i really never done that before?

@Phil that's funny you think i could work my way up to contentment😋

yes, i think i understand what you mean. it's great that affirmations have been working well for you:)

when one arm literally cuts the other....isn't it correct to assume there are two of me? a torturer and a tortured? i thought "parts" were a helpful concept in understanding how the psyche can split and fragment. they're ultimately the same me, but apparently different strings of energy working against one another. i don't know how to express anger when the person i'm angry at isn't around. then the only thing that's left to do is express anger towards myself and all i can do is hurt myself. i wouldn't know how to express my emotions differently in those moments when there is no one there to talk to, writing about it only makes me feel more isolated.... what are alternative ways of expressing my emotions?

sometimes i'm scared that what i do or say is awkward. like i get social anxiety even from posting things online. i also have some issues with the way my body looks. especially my face and the way my tummy isn't super flat by the end of the day. i guess i generally compare myself a lot and find all kinds of flaws about myself. there are so many mistakes i make every day. when i was younger i wasn't insecure (or at least i didn't show it as much) and was more extroverted. people disliked me for it (i have no idea why and it would be helpful to understand) and so i learned that it's better to be all shy and insecure. being overly confident and overestimating how good i am only ends in embarrassment, so i'd rather underestimate myself in all areas of life.

hm... maybe. isn't that what most people do? i'm so used to it by now.

yes, i'm aware of that:) thank you🌷

@Phil i believe it will hurt more to stop suffering than if i simply keep suffering. it's so safe to hate myself. i'd be completely naked without it.

yes, that's why i was interested in knowing what exactly is meant by this. i get the part where i feel like i'm starving emotionally. but this isn't so constant for me and i only notice it at times. so i feel like some of the symptoms of bpd apply to me, although i was told by friends i'm overall still very stable, also socially. it's just that there are some very unstable moments when i feel like there could be more.

yes i feel the same

@Phil i create meaning. if i want to, i can pretend that meaning is coming from the moon or sun. but ultimately, i am the final authority on what is believed and what is not. you know i'm just so addicted to all of my negative meanings by now. it's almost fun. i feel powerless in believing things could still turn out okay somehow, so i get a thrill out of all the drama. by now there's so much drama it really does feel impossible to try and make things okay again....so more drama is all i can think of. i just want to keep hurting.

@Phil they are thoughts.

@Phil i don't know.

@Phil thoughts?

@Phil i only know there is "my" perspective. the sun's and moon's perspectives may exist, or they may not.

i don't know. there might be.

@Phil yup.

@Phil the sun is shining and the surface of the moon reflects the light of the sun. so the moon appears to illuminate, or at least it is illuminat-ed (in the passive voice)? sorry to all the geography and astrophysics folks if i said that wrong.