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crisis


judy

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hey there.

i'll probably delete this later but i could use some guidance right now.

 

there's a situation i cannot accept and some thoughts i cannot let go of.

i am suffering immensely, more than before, and my nervous system is ringing all the alarm bells.

i cannot keep my calm anymore, cannot stay still the way i could before.

i cannot concentrate on anything else, i just keep thinking and thinking.

 

it's not okay, nothing's okay!

i'm so stupid!

 

there's a lot of energy in my body,

i am occasionally experiencing somewhat voluntary panic attacks where it feels like i am still in control,

but i dissociate a little while tossing my body on the floor and hyperventilating for a minute

 

 

i am trying to be brave and ask for support now🤍

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40 minutes ago, judy said:

hey there.

i'll probably delete this later but i could use some guidance right now.

 

there's a situation i cannot accept and some thoughts i cannot let go of.

i am suffering immensely, more than before, and my nervous system is ringing all the alarm bells.

i cannot keep my calm anymore, cannot stay still the way i could before.

i cannot concentrate on anything else, i just keep thinking and thinking.

 

it's not okay, nothing's okay!

i'm so stupid!

 

there's a lot of energy in my body,

i am occasionally experiencing somewhat voluntary panic attacks where it feels like i am still in control,

but i dissociate a little while tossing my body on the floor and hyperventilating for a minute

 

 

i am trying to be brave and ask for support now🤍

Is it even possible to accept or not accept anything? 

 

I'm here for you, let's get down to the nitty gritty....what exactly are you feeling right now? 

"Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless."

A Comment on the 8th Ox Herding Picture

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, Mandy said:

You aren't stupid, dismiss the thoughts that say you are. Put your hand on your heart and give yourself love. Be kind to yourself. 

i don't know how to do that.... although i suppose looking for the "how" might be the problem.

 

i feel stupid because of the past and i can't undo the past.

i would like to fix everything, but i can't.

now i don't know how to let it go or be okay again.

it feels like this won't ever be okay again, and i don't know what to do with myself now.

 

i don't know how to properly channel or process the hurt and frustration i feel.

Edited by judy
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i don't know how to feel how i feel without thinking it's because i'm a bad person/ it's my fault/ i'm not good enough

 

i feel like i should have prevented all of this somehow, but i didn't...so i am stupid and it is my fault.

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9 hours ago, judy said:

i feel stupid and sad and hurt and angry

Okay so youre experiencing anger. 

 

Whats wrong with anger? 

 

Why does anything have to be done about how youre feeling?

 

Whatever emotion(s) youre experiencing are perfectly fine/natural and have their own lifespan. 

 

As for whatever event unfolded this is how wisdom develops and you will be stronger for it in the long run. But you will have to face the consequences of whatever happened. I still am after a year...

"Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless."

A Comment on the 8th Ox Herding Picture

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1 hour ago, judy said:

i don't know how to feel how i feel without thinking it's because i'm a bad person/ it's my fault/ i'm not good enough

 

i feel like i should have prevented all of this somehow, but i didn't...so i am stupid and it is my fault.

Thinking what you're feeling isn't feeling what you're feeling, actually put your hand on your heart and give yourself love. It's way easier than thinking it. 

 

Maybe you are bad, and that's ok, we are all bad. Were you thinking you're the only one who isn't? It's like the yin yang, we're the whole circle, not just one side, and even if we were thinking we're just one side, it's never purely one or the other. Which is it that you are beating up on yourself for? Are you the naïve, stupid Snow White, and that's what makes you bad, or the conniving Step Mother? Snow White is also the witch and the evil stepmother because Snow White is in actuality the author, not an actual character. Stop poisoning yourself by refusing to love yourself unconditionally. 

 

 

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32 minutes ago, Mandy said:

Thinking what you're feeling isn't feeling what you're feeling, actually put your hand on your heart and give yourself love. It's way easier than thinking it.

 

yes that makes sense

 

33 minutes ago, Mandy said:

Maybe you are bad, and that's ok, we are all bad. Were you thinking you're the only one who isn't? It's like the yin yang, we're the whole circle, not just one side, and even if we were thinking we're just one side, it's never purely one or the other. Which is it that you are beating up on yourself for? Are you the naïve, stupid Snow White, and that's what makes you bad, or the conniving Step Mother? Snow White is also the witch and the evil stepmother because Snow White is in actuality the author, not an actual character. Stop poisoning yourself by refusing to love yourself unconditionally. 

 

 

but i don't want to be bad

i want to be good

 

it feels like i have to poison myself now because that's what i deserve

cause the whole fairytale is already poisoned, i think

 

 it would be so much easier to handle the pain if i was completely innocent

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10 minutes ago, Mandy said:

@judy Unconditional love is completely innocent, but "you" demand the condition that you be conditionally innocent and so you withhold love and forgiveness to yourself. 

 

 

 

 

yes. cause that seems so much safer.

if i could meet all the conditional criteria for goodness, innocence, and perfection (on top of the unconditional innocence and goodness), i'd never have to wonder what's underneath or if i am still loved unconditionally when i'm flawed.

 

i feel like i'm being annoying now because i am arguing and saying "but, but, but,..." all the time.

not sure if i can stop that and i don't want to waste your time:)

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4 minutes ago, Phil said:

I have a hunch you’re believing you were in control something you weren’t.

perhaps:)

there were emotions i was not in control of

 

but perhaps i could have acted differently despite all these emotions?

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13 minutes ago, judy said:

yes. cause that seems so much safer.

if i could meet all the conditional criteria for goodness, innocence, and perfection (on top of the unconditional innocence and goodness), i'd never have to wonder what's underneath or if i am still loved unconditionally when i'm flawed.

You can feel good, you can feel weightless and blameless, but you cannot judge yourself to BE those things without cutting yourself off. You are pure potential. No one wants to hear a fairytale with no contrast... that would be a terrible book or movie. The perfect, good, totally innocent conflict free movie would be terrible. That's how hopeless this situation is. You aren't just a character in that movie, and you aren't the story that has beginning and end, you are the creation/creator/creating now.

 

What if you never have to wonder as in doubt, but that there IS wonder is the magic and love? 

 

13 minutes ago, judy said:

i feel like i'm being annoying now because i am arguing and saying "but, but, but,..." all the time.

not sure if i can stop that and i don't want to waste your time:)

You aren't annoying and you aren't arguing and you aren't wasting my time, these are my favorite kind of conversations. Don't worry what my experience is, that's my task, not yours. 

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24 minutes ago, judy said:

i could have acted differently despite all these emotions?

Maybe, maybe not, who knows. But it’s passed and definitely out of your control. 

You’re in control presently of how you think and feel about it though, and what if anything, you do about it. 

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Posted (edited)
32 minutes ago, Mandy said:

you are the creation/creator/creating now.

 

What if you never have to wonder as in doubt, but that there IS wonder is the magic and love?

sounds good but at the same time it is so abstract.

it's hard to truly relate to this where i'm coming from.

i'm scared.

 

18 minutes ago, Phil said:

Maybe, maybe not, who knows. But it’s passed and definitely out of your control. 

You’re in control presently of how you think and feel about it though, and what if anything, you do about it. 

i don't think i can do anything about it anymore.

and yes, i was already made aware that i am currently perpetuating a lot of the pain and suffering simply because i feel i've been holding onto them for so long.

maybe i don't feel like i have permission to stop now, or maybe i won't allow it myself, especially because things seem even worse than before now.

 

i feel  like i'm supposed to see, think, and feel the worst about any given situation at all times, just to make sure i get that right and won't get caught off guard.

if i had to drop that, i honestly wouldn't know what to think and feel now. probably still scared.

Edited by judy
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