Proserpina's Journal

[Proserpina]

Self correction: I'm outside PMDD now.  I feel a lot of pain, regret and shame.  I think I dealt with this month in a really imbalanced way.  My thoughts have changed and I don't think the same things before.  I don't think anyone cheated or did anything wrong (I think I was in mild psychosis).  I think I was just in a lot of pain.  All I can do is take my medication and hope for positive manifestations in the future like before when I was on my medication religiously for months and months.

Edited November 22, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I'm excited and optimistic for what my future might hold.  By my above calculations I've cracked the code for my future wellbeing (and it was pretty simple),  I just need several months under my belt and I'll be good.  

 

Wellness (in order): 
1. Peak state/"Positive psychosis"
2. Medicated, No PMDD plus been 6+ months
3. Medicated, PMDD plus been 6+ months
4. Medicated, No PMDD
5. Not medicated, No PMDD
6. Medicated, PMDD
7. Not medicated, PMDD
8. Negative psychosis

 

[Proserpina]

On 11/19/2023 at 10:28 AM, Proserpina said:

I think a lack of empathy from others causes schizoaffective to worsen radically and lays at the heart of it.  Love and communication improves it.  Lack of empathy is like punching someone who already has brain-damage, even if they deserve it.  It doesn't help the situation, it simply worsens it.  There is a momentum to a lack of empathy from others.   It causes schizoaffective to become worse and worse until they can't see reality unless they are given love, empathy or communication.  They are the result of a failed system (that reaches generations).  They just keep being given less and less empathy as the momentum is out of control and then blamed for it when they are now disabled and brain-damaged. 

 

On 11/19/2023 at 12:00 PM, Proserpina said:

Leaving reality as a result of acute lack of empathy from others is not necessarily negative.   It can be positive.  Think “Carrie”, the movie.  She attained power in the end through acute lack of empathy from others. It's like a balancing, you are given such little empathy that you circle around and recieve love from the universe when you ‘lose touch’. You recieve such little empathy, you recieve empathy. 

I do think this is a part of the equation for ANY mental illness.   Past (such as childhood) mistreatment and abuse.  Lack of empathy.  The medication is required to halt the momentum and cycle.  It breaks the cycle.  The cycle of lack of empathy from others (like my Dad) and then being in a state to cause a lack of empathy from others due to a lack of empathy from others.  The medication artificially lifts you up and emotionally stabilizes you and increases your agreeableness.  

Edited November 23, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I feel a lot of sadness that my PMDD and unmedicated state in the past has affected my relationships and the way I relate with others.  It's destroyed my relationships.  It's not all my fault of course.  Self blame is low on the emotional scale.  But I've had "bad energy" due to trauma and lack of empathy from others building up causing a state of being that is not emotionally stable and agreeable.  

 

I've seen my potential, I've seen myself at my best, (medicated, non PMDD, peak state) and I can't help but be frustrated with myself for not knowing better.   I should disappear during PMDD, but I don't and I should be medicated just as a diabetic should be (if need be), but I wasn't taking my medication.  I aim for the peak state without aiming for the small satisfactions.   I jump too high. 

 

Disappointed in myself and my immaturity.  

Edited November 23, 2023 by Proserpina

[Alexander]

I take my meds religiously.I am not having psychosis or mania.Meds helped me a lot.Problem with Mania is that it feels so good but I would rather stay normal.Here is my list of meds:

Olanzapine(anti psychotic)

Carbamezapin(mood stabilizer)

Lorazepam (Sedative)

[Reena]

@Proserpina  I have found that two things are very helpful for people who deal with mental disorders like you and me. 

 

First thing - talking helps a lot. Either talking to people offline or online or talking to yourself like in a journal. Some form of regular talking to people helps to cope with the anxiety and hopelessness emotions that accompany mental disorders. Especially if you are suffering mood swings from time to time. In my case it's direct emotions than moods because of my borderline. But talking acts as an efficient release mechanism. So talk to anyone that you can talk to on the online space. Journal continuously as much as possible. The more you journal the more you get a grip on how you feel from time to time, Journaling has a stabilizing effect on the mind, you get to track your emotions, you get to see your progress day to day, not just that, knowing that someone is reading your journal will give you an automatic sense of comfort. Like someone is there for you to understand you. This is necessary for people who deal with mental disorders so that they don't feel isolated or alone. Journaling is a form of self talk. (talking, interaction, Journaling, expressing, socializing, external communication, bonding). 

 

 

Second thing - Consistently feeling better. If you feel good today and then bad tomorrow and then good again and bad again, this will not help any mental disorder. It's like how with weight. If you lose weight, gain weight, lose weight, gain weight, then there is no real solution coming from that. You have to have a stable weight. Same way with mental illness. You have to be consistently feeling better from day 1 to day 2 to week 1 to week 2 and then up to a month to several months, then those symptoms tend to take a back seat and a consistent pattern in healing appears. It's a long and pathetic struggle. But it's something you gotta fight as hard as possible. 

 

These two things in my observation are important while dealing with mental illness.

 

[Reena]

@Proserpina also what's your zodiac sign if you don't mind. Because I often give advice to people based on their zodiac sign and they find it very helpful. 

[Reena]

Some masculine and Feminine integration is also needed sometimes just to have the right amount of drive. 

[Proserpina]

@Alexander Normal is cool 90% of the time. 

 

Peak state or positive psychosis  or 'mania' is the result of alignment according to abraham hicks.  And I have to agree. 

It's the result of being "normal", taking medication, or consistent alignment. 

 

Going off of medication makes you more sensitive to your state of alignment and increases momentum, resulting in positive psychosis.  But you have to be in the vicinity first, with the medication. 

 

Also psychoses evolve, grow, become less negative overtime, in my experience.  Continuation.

 

If that all makes sense. 

 

I take: 

Olazapine (antipsychotic)

Abilify (antipsychotic)

Topiramate (moodstabilizer)

 

Edited November 23, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

@Reena Thank you for the advice Reena ❤. 

 

I have a lot of trouble with talking with schizoaffective, that's why I'm not very active on the forums.  I'm practically mute in real life.  That's why I turn to journalling and writing.  It's much easier for me and very good for my mental health.  

 

Consistently feeling better is tricky because I have PMDD and a mood disorder and I chase after "positive psychosis" and highs (so I didn't take my medication in the past). So I'm constantly confronted every month with a bad energy.  Medication and yaz and disappearing seems to be the only solutions I've found so far in terms of keeping my relationships alive and the bad energy at bay.  

 

My Zodiac sign is Aries. 

 

Edited November 23, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I am completely fascinated by these videos and the potential of birth control pills and its impact on my mood

 

 

 

[Alexander]

14 minutes ago, Proserpina said:

I am completely fascinated by these videos and the potential of birth control pills and its impact on my mood

 

 

 

Yeah I watched all these videos too except PMDD .Why don't you take your meds regularly.I was left without my meds for few days and I had suicidal thoughts for 2 days straight my mind got obsessed with that idea.That's why I take my meds religiously but I remember mania I had energy for everything.I started renovating my house and was working like there is no tomorrow.I was hearing one voice which was nasty to me but when I got medicated I realized voice was just my thoughts separated into two.Upon recognition my psychiatrist said I have good insight about my state.I still have friends but I live isolated.

[Alexander]

Have you been hospitalised?I was once admitted to a daily hospital (you stay from 8am to 1pm) for 4 months .I met very wonderful people .Made few friends there even now I am in contact with them.I met a month ago with a friend from there .We met at coffee shop to give me Olanzapine that he didn't needed anymore.Health care is free where I live but he chooses to go to paid psychiatrist where session last one hour.Public healthcare psychiatrist gives you around 10 minutes.

I feel fine on meds but I sleep a lot maybe 12 hours a day but unlike many Olanzapine users I didn't gained weight.

Hope you are feeling well.

[Proserpina]

15 minutes ago, Alexander said:

Yeah I watched all these videos too except PMDD .Why don't you take your meds regularly.I was left without my meds for few days and I had suicidal thoughts for 2 days straight my mind got obsessed with that idea.That's why I take my meds religiously but I remember mania I had energy for everything.I started renovating my house and was working like there is no tomorrow.I was hearing one voice which was nasty to me but when I got medicated I realized voice was just my thoughts separated into two.Upon recognition my psychiatrist said I have good insight about my state.I still have friends but I live isolated.

I experience so much unconditional love and worthiness and alignment when I enter psychosis sometimes that it's overwhelming.  "Mania" for me isn't just what the medical model writes it off as.  It's so much more.  It's love.  It's peace.  It's hope.  It's purpose.  

So I tend to not take my medication.  But I'm learning that I need to take my medication in order to reach peak state.  

Edited November 23, 2023 by Proserpina

[Alexander]

2 minutes ago, Proserpina said:

I experience so much unconditional love and worthiness and alignment when I enter psychosis sometimes that it's overwhelming.  "Mania" for me isn't just what the medical model writes it off as.  It's so much more.  It's love.  It's peace.  It's hope.  It's purpose.  

So I tend to not take my medication.  But I'm learning that I need to take my medication in order to reach peak state.  

Maybe you are spiritually gifted.I had experience of Infinite Love and Infinity too.It happened on their own.Infinite love happened before I got Ill.I am ill for 2 years now and Infinity experience was just a month ago.

[Proserpina]

4 minutes ago, Alexander said:

Maybe you are spiritually gifted.I had experience of Infinite Love and Infinity too.It happened on their own.Infinite love happened before I got Ill.I am ill for 2 years now and Infinity experience was just a month ago.

I'm not sure.   My psychosis can also be very negative.  I used to think I was 'spiritually gifted', then my 'gifting' turned acutely negative.  It started off positive and beautiful.  I met Higher Beings and angels, then all of a sudden demons and negative entities that told me they were going to boil me alive and barbeque me alive. 

[Alexander]

1 minute ago, Proserpina said:

I'm not sure.   My psychosis can also be very negative.  I used to think I was 'spiritually gifted', then my 'gifting' turned acutely negative.  It started off positive and beautiful.  I met Higher Beings and angels, then all of a sudden demons and negative entities that told me they were going to boil me alive and barbeque me alive. 

Can you see those higher beings,angels and demons are they visual or auditory hallucinations?(using med terminology)

[Proserpina]

Just now, Alexander said:

Can you see those higher beings,angels and demons are they visual or auditory hallucinations?(using med terminology)

No.  It's hard to explain.  People (normal people) are entities.   They become angels and demons.  

[Alexander]

3 minutes ago, Proserpina said:

No.  It's hard to explain.  People (normal people) are entities.   They become angels and demons.  

Thanks for being open.So you might experience delusions.What entity could I be angelic or demonic?

[Proserpina]

3 minutes ago, Alexander said:

Thanks for being open.So you might experience delusions.What entity could I be angelic or demonic?

I'm not in major psychosis right now.  So neither.  But if I was, probably angelic.