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Proserpina's Journal


Proserpina

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Flower

 

I was thinking and I realized whatever capacity I am set at, it is beautiful.  I am like a flower.  I may be limited but I am beautiful. I am blossoming and evolving and flowing with reality at my level of capacity.  I feel content with where I am currently at.  I make peace with my cognitive issues and choose evolution. 

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The Flower's Beauty

 

The flower's beauty is composed of no ego (lower density strength) and choosing growth and evolution where choice is available despite illness and challenges (my cognitive issues).  Standing in both those qualities and knowledge of these qualities resolutely despite my challenges and despite potential bullying (because of said challenges) further solidifies these qualities.  I have past experience of standing resolutely in the knowledge of these qualities in the presence of bullying and was able to transform a negative situation into something else. 

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First Voice

 

I'm having visions.  'Visions' is a far safer description I find than anything else (like self-referencing. It's just a vision).  Visions of what is to come; precognition.  Visions of what others may possibly feel and think.  It's a bit like a tarot reading on the go.  It stems from the first 'voice' or angel (all beings or lifeforms).  All beings or lifeforms are this first voice and all speak from this first voice that is a representation of Oneness.   All are divine if you look closely.  The representation or first voice and Oneness meld together, they are not so separate, they have a likeness, so it may be difficult to tell them apart.  It becomes more obvious once the first voice SPEAKS and the voice evolves into more than just a first voice. 

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I've decided to probably stick to using this public journal now.   I don't particular enjoy having Leo breathing down my neck, watching my every movement, fearing I'm going to be IP banned any moment like before.  It's painful.  Atleast here, I can breath easy and express my self in a relatively similar format (with some downsides).  It's like I was crucified for jaywalking.  I want to express myself freely,  I like to write free flowing what he deems 'verbal diarreah'.  My disability, what I have had no choice in having had to live with, is called unhinged by him.

 

Screw actualized.org. 

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I've discovered a productivity app goldmine called "Norbu".  It uses calming and alerting exercises similar to sensory modulation to help you with shifting into a state conducive to productivity and uses a scale to measure before the exercise to gauge your level of stress or willingness to take action.  It also has a gratitude journal where you can write about any action you take as a result of the exercises.

 

It's really effective for emotional regulation, state shifting, and then journalling results.

 

I'm making a great deal of progress with the app 'Norbu'.  I'm learning about emotional and state regulation.  This is fantastic for my personal development along with my productivity.  I really feel like I'm healing and I mean it this time.  I completed all my habits this week and went on a long walk today, just by keeping close attention to my state of being, making sure I'm in a calm and alert state.  I supplement the app with other calming and alerting things (like music, meditations etc.) and with an app called "mind tracker" that helps me to measure my energy levels and mood throughout the day.  The measurement function is particularly useful to me in these apps as they teach me to become self-aware.

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I already feel infinitely better here.  I don't even care if anyone even reads my journal as long as I psychologically know it's public then that makes the difference in how I write and formulate my thoughts.   I put more effort into my thoughts and writings.  I need a place without Leo breathing down my neck but not a discord.   Discord formats don't work for me for some reason. 

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Apps that combine mindfulness with simple routine actions like exercise and cleaning help me to complete those routine actions.  I might carefully invest money into 2 habit apps that effectively combine mindfulness (like headspace etc. )

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Apps I've included in my habit tracker (to do list):

Norbu (sensory modulation - alert, calm state) 

Breathwrk   (breathwork is my new favourite thing to do)

Headspace (mindful walking,  mindful brush teeth, mindful cleaning)

Calm kids (CUTEST mindful activities EVER  -don't judge) 

 

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I believe my schizoaffective disorder was hugely triggered by following Leo Gura.  I said earlier on actualized.org that Leo Gura sent me to the mental hospital.  It was his psychological manipulation, brainwashing, the hypnotism, thinking he was special, the 'one' to help me and then the psychological and verbal abuse, the discard,  thrown out like trash at my most vulnerable.  When my mother died all the symptoms became much worse and I began hallucinating and everything took on a theme of 'death'.  He calls that 'immaturity'.  I call it grief and suffering.  He uses people's disabilities and weaknesses against them during times when they need love the most.   He can't hurt me anymore as I have too many support systems in place and I've experienced it all before.  I'm ready to accept that I was brainwashed and hypnotised into thinking he and his community were the 'one'.  I'm ready to move on.   I'm ready to heal.  

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