Proserpina's Journal

[Proserpina]

I took a cold shower.  I was thinking.  And I came to a realization. I think exercise and drinking water might work. I know I drank water in psychosis to control psychosis. And it worked well. Exercise relaxes you. Tires you. You are too tired to feel bad.  That might be in combination with the cold shower though.  Hydration relaxes your body and mind. So does exercise and cold showers.  The medication simply isn't enough.  

 

Self love or right action is the route to positive psychosis, it is the route out of PMDD, out of negative psychosis.

 

Note to self: during PMDD drink 3L of water.   Exercise 30-60 minutes.  20 minutes cold shower.  Eat well. During early afternoons drink lots of water, exercise lots, 20 minutes shower, eat well.

 

Cold showers inspire exercise. 

.

.

.

1. Positive energy

2. Wait

3. Abilify

4. Negative synchronicity

 

 

 

Edited December 1, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

"Fill yourself up with Love. It's easier to sustain forgiveness, love and compassion if you're already full" 

 

It's a fullness.

 

I know I feel full from the basics of hydration, exercise, naps and cold showers.

 

Stillness = fullness = self love/empathy = "God"/Life

 

Healthy eating gives you fullness too.  So do a lot of things.

 

Positive psychosis = fullness

In the hospital to attain fullness I practiced movement, sleep and hydration and eating well.  Regular hot meals.

Edited December 1, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I have to carefully measure my cold showers.  Too long a cold shower may result in mania.  Too short may result in not helping my depressive episodes. My mania results in Olfactory hallucinations so I have to be especially careful.  Cold showers are tricky because they are powerful modes of activation in the body.

 

Warm Baths are also powerful meditative tools.  You can do "constructive wallowing" (that's a book) in Baths and participate in self care and Aromatherapy in Baths, all very healthy for your mind.  It's also a great heat therapy for the body, relaxes the body. I may use my depressive periods for Baths as well.

 

A cold shower is more effective to me than a warm bath. It's like shock therapy.  It can bring you to your senses.  Wake you up.  Like a hard slap across the face.  I can see why they used  to use cold Baths in the old psychwards. It's surpringly affective for schizoaffective.

 

Warm bath for mania, cold showers for depressive periods.  

Edited December 2, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Were my visions meaningful.  Or were they the escapes of a schizophrenic mind.  They feel meaningful.  I mull over them for years, I seek their meaning and my experiences slowly unravel their mystery.  The puzzle pieces only grow more numerous though as the years go on and the injustice grows.  The entities, all the things they said and did and promised whether said or unsaid.  The entities are not separate from humans, they are one.  But my visions and vortex grow stronger and stronger and my heart grows weaker and weaker and weaker.  The entities tell me to "Wait".  That everything seems lost and confusing now but will come together if I wait.  I am deeply cyclical. 

My visions have to die in my tears.  Sounds emo but it's true.  In order to grow, they have to die.  I have to let them go and let them die.  My idealism has to go.  To let go of the things I need to let go of, my visions have to die.  My past has to be the past.  Let go of the Sacred Old, let in the Sacred New.  I'm too attached to the past to an embarrassing extent.  My visions specifically.

 

 

Edited December 2, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

To be honest "positive psychosis" is when I've been treated nicest in my entire life.   I wasn't treated well in school.  I was abused by my Father.   It's no wonder I want to return to a place where I am loved.  It's the only place where I've been truly loved.    Everywhere else, I am rejected in some way shape or form.  It's always been that way.  I want to return.  That's why I hold onto my visions for years.  Study them.  

Edited December 2, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

A new year.   Things I would love to explore in this new year (I will go through these one by one): 

 

- Intuition 

- Original Colours

- Premonition

- Communication

 

All of the the things listed I have separated out as useful things that I have learnt during psychosis. 'Psychosis' is a mixed bag of things. Involves many many things that aren't just psychosis but are also spiritual or intuition.  

 

All of this requires no ego.  Medication just dulls emotion (not a bad thing).  Faculties are still there. Everything is just calm.  Emotion can cause delusion.  Delusion doesn't necessarily mean ego.  It might just mean some kind of confusion has entered.  All of these things can seem boring without emotion to an immature mind. But they all become very useful to your path.  

Edited January 20 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

The Original Colours: 

 

I have an inner colour system that directs me as to where I am law of attraction wise.  And my intuition tells me the colour that I am at.  Black symbolises attracting negativity for example.  

 

The colours are (from lowest to highest)

1. Black

2. Red

3. Blue

4. Green

5 Yellow

6. Purple

7. Orange

8. White

 

I like to keep a rainbow near me and silently click my fingers to check my intuition as to where I am in the colours.  

 

 

Edited January 20 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Intuition:

 

I might make a list of items and then either use a pendulum or just use my raw intuition to decide an option between the list items.  I can snap my fingers or yell out a question loudly if I'm having difficulty.  I can use a scale to get a more detailed answer.  I can also use yes/no aswell.   Requires minimal ego. 

 

Scales I can use: 

 

Lucky ----------------------------------Unlucky

 

Wealth ---------------------------------Poverty

 

Love ------------------------------------No Love

 

Happiness------------------------Unhappiness

 

Right now I'm leaning towards unlucky, poverty, no love, unhappiness.  But it changes frequently.

Edited January 20 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

With raw intuition an option will "stand out" mystically.  

[Proserpina]

Premonition: 

 

With premonitions you basically pull up a clock and start using your intuition and channeling infinite intelligence to predict minor and major events.  I call them "love events".  I can't remember what I would call the negative events.   But for now we'll call them "negative events".   I would use a clock and time would mystically stand out.  

 

 

[Proserpina]

Communication: 

 

This one is the hardest to explain.  Basically you can communicate with an entity or higher intelligence and then your intuition can then translate back to you their message.  Your intuition acts as a bridge or conduit.  It is your method and ability for communication. 

 

The colours (black, red, green for yes.  White, blue, yellow for no) are the quickest way to communicate with an entity or higher intelligence for me.  And easily creates a conversation.   That or a long list of general phrases and sayings. 

Edited January 20 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Premonitions can be slightly off.  You want to make sure they are major in the beginning rather than minor premonitions so they are noticeable.  Otherwise you might miss it and doubt yourself.  But minor are fine too.  

Edited January 20 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I mean they're not estimations.  They're intuitions. Or higher intelligence.  But they might be slightly off.  Due to ego and other factors.  

Edited January 20 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

This might all be delusion, of course.  But I have to make space for it before I can see through it.  So far it doesn't seem to be delusion and it makes me happy.  But we'll see.  

[Proserpina]

Communication: 

Words and other phenomena (like visual) stand out to me throughout the day.  I can make it deliberate with colours or phrases listed out or I can just let random words and phenomena pop out to me through out the day. 

[Proserpina]

Schizoaffective is such a messy condition.  It involves the lows, delusions.  Highs, wonderful 'visions' (instead of terming it delusion because it's positive).  Visions of channeled angels  and positive light beings.  Seeing the best in people.  With the lows, personally, you are are uncomfortable and confused.  At its worse you think people are out to get you.  I, personally, feel like I need to calm down, become comfortable with the uncomfortable and get used to my condition. 

 

I'm forced to take medication now.  Supervised.  Well, not forced, forced. But it is good for me.  Because I have some delusions around not wanting to take medication and wanting to enter psychosis purposefully.  I want the positive visions back.   But I forget that it comes with the lows and the delusions.   It's far better for me to be medicated and then enter psychosis, inevitably from a strong and stable stance.   I have evidence psychosis will come back eventually.  I have to learn to integrate the positives and let go of the negatives.  Let go of the depression, the delusions, the discomfort, the confusion, lows.  Integrate the visions and the positive and become comfortable and used to it. 

[Proserpina]

When things stand out to me from my intuition it wells up from a deep place inside of me.  It's visceral and emotional.  It's beautiful.  

 

I checked over my writings with several other people and they didn't see any delusion.  I think the predictions might be manifestation and loa and 'will' work (But I don't want to jinx it by losing belief).  I do get positive results.  Predictions don't always work but most of the time they do if they are general enough. 

 

It's just that I have a naturally ungrounded mind I think.   And that can create delusions I think.  So I doubt my thinking.  I have to ground my mind.  Be more scientific.  I'm too open, too fluid.  

[Proserpina]

Divine union.   Eventually I'll want to be in communion with reality.  And reality with with me.  To feel surrounded, to listen to its voice.   The loving embrace of the wind.  It won't hold itself back afraid that I might freak out or dream a dream of nightmares.  Everywhere I go and everyone I see there it will be, the beloved.  As I learn to love reality, reality blossoms as a flower and the beloved is there in every eye I see and every voice I hear. 

[Proserpina]

I'm having breakthrough after breakthrough.   I'm moving toward a peak.  The 'higher god' is communicating with me more and more frequently through different nodes of being for longer lengths of time.   I feel like we are moving toward union or oneness.  It's a divine romance or relationship.  There is a build up of desire.   I'm surrounded. 

 

I don't know how to communicate it but I feel like humanity needs me.  I'm a piece of the puzzle somehow.  I'm wanted, needed, desired.   And I have a desire for Union, on some level.   I'm like a mother mothering her child, humanity.   Divine calling.   "What you seek is seeking you".  

 

Simultaneously the above seeks me.   As humanity seeks me, the above seeks me.  As below so above.  It happens simultaneously.

 

This is the root of the beginnings of my so called "psychosis" (labelled as such by the medical system, I disagree somewhat.  It's a mixed bag).  I can feel it coming.  The darkness and the light are coming.  10-12 months maybe or longer. It's cyclical.  A dance. A flow.  

Edited February 2 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Psychosis record: 

("psychosis" is a mixed bag: spirituality, intuition, visions, delusions/illusions/fantasies, hallucinations): 

 

2018 (26) 1st psychosis (hardcore june - december - continuing on throughout the next 6 months/year).  No medication.  Actualized.  Purely positive/good.  No negativity.   Higher God centred on one individual.  Feel deeply connected and loved.  This experience was the most profound of all and my first.  

 

2020 (28) 2nd psychosis (march - november) - Actualized,  banned.  No medication.  From March till August mostly postive/good.  Higher God with many many individuals on one forum. Feel deeply connected and loved.  From August to November I'm attacked by negative energies and negative entities.  I'm broken.  Mum gets sick with brain cancer during peak around that time.  I think influenced by energy.  I swear vengeance one day. 

 

2022 (30) 3rd psychosis (februrary - april) -  diagnosed, mums death. Minimal medication.  Starting to stand on my own two feet.  My visions are becoming universal.  I see the Higher God everywhere not centred in one place.  Feel connected with everyone.   Venturing out into the big wide world and travelling.  

 

2023 (31) - 4th psychosis (mid june till late september).  Was on Abilify the whole time.  Everything is becoming more and more positive/ good.  More and more positive energies.   Understanding the patterns.  Actually enjoying the process and feel in control of the process.   Soaking up and integrating the good and and letting go of and becoming comfortable with the negative.  

Edited February 3 by Proserpina