Proserpina's Journal

[Proserpina]

"When a parent dies one must grow quite a bit.  It sets up a certain kind of hero's journey.  That loss has to be compensated for." Joseph Maynor

 

Yes.  I remember "Growth" being a strong theme in my psychoses.  And my psychoses tend to be a journey, a hero's journey, only through my mind or alternate realities.  A very externalized form of grief or grief process.  Rather than just crying, my mind goes through an extreme journey.

. 

.

.

I've noticed that pain from previous trauma can stick around for quite awhile but if there is nothing feeding it it dissipates in times, very slowly but surely.  Kindness and emotional stability heal. Emotional stability is a powerful force.  I can see why abraham hicks talks about the neutral zone. For instance I have a broken heart from trauma and psychoses and the being at the neutral zone is very good for it.

[Proserpina]

When my mother died, the light died in my mind.  The darkness took rein of my mind.  The light died.   I see symbols and signs in my psychosis/experiences that tell me that the light had died, and that the darkness (the 'removalist') murdered the light, although I see glimpses of the light’s rebirth.  The light may have been dissolved in my mind when I was attacked and 'murdered' by the entity at the very very beginning, when it all began and I was injured badly, murdered spiritually.   My mother's death may have been a reflection of that.  The light was attacked.  

[Proserpina]

Being mentally ill, it feels quite sticky and permanent.  But then again not really. There's always a way out for any disorder. For schizophrenia there's positive voices. For schizoaffective, there's positive psychosis. For bipolar, there's mania. All of those are extreme forms of alignment according to abraham hicks unique to the condition.  There's always a way out. Following your bliss, your highest excitement.

[Proserpina]

'"I would mention the lack of empathy from others theory.  That people with mental illness are victims of lack empathy from others and end up in a state that is difficult to empathize with (low emotional stability and agreeableness, big5 etc) which cause  lack of empathy from others which cause the state and so on and so forth.  So the true self lies underneath that 'sin', that cycle of lack of empathy in humanity at large.  It's no one's fault.  The true self is what happens when you break that cycle, even artificially."

 

Referencing this post, its the part that is the 'authentic self',  the self underneath it all, the diamond that is before sin, before the fall of man

That is the true self

The false self is the opposite

[Proserpina]

I was talking to my Dad and told him that medication causes psychosis because psychosis is caused by alignment and medication makes you feel good and fixes up your life.

 

“How do you know that so clearly though?  That sounds like it might not be as true as you state.”  Joseph Maynor

 

I don't know it for sure.  It's an experienced estimation.  Whenever I go into psychosis it's because I'm in a state of abundance.  I have abundance.  Anything negative is heavily cushioned by abundance. Medication tends to lead to abundance for me.  Any negativity is soaked in abundance if that makes any sense.   You are known as the abundant one.  You are treated as the abundant one.  You are pushed around, shoved around as the abundant one. Treated not so nicely.   If that makes any sense.  'Abundant one' is just your true self. So abundance is correlated with the true self. The self that is beyond lack of empathy from others and the cycle of the fall of humanity.  

 

"What do you mean by abundance?" Joseph Maynor.  

 

I'm loved by the universe, I love the universe.  I have an abundance of love, prosperity, wealth, health.  I mean I can go to a gambling machine and win.

 

Garden of Eden. 

Edited November 27, 2023 by Proserpina

[Joseph Maynor]

@Proserpina Keep rocking it.  You're doing a good job.  You're one of the people who is passionate about self-help who is always doing the work.  That's a strength.  Personal development is my #1 value so I appreciate that.

Edited November 27, 2023 by Joseph Maynor

[Proserpina]

@Joseph Maynor Thank you so much.  You are one of my original mentors and teachers.  I remember reading your journals and they were so full of love.  Your journals are a holy text.  It's a pity you took them down.  I had multiple heart awakenings.  You really do channel the divine, especially when the person is tapped in.  

[Proserpina]

Rediscovering the Old seems to be correlated with heart healing and abundance.  It makes sense then that medication would be related to rediscovering the Old.  The Old was during the time when I was discovering Joseph’s journals on actualized.org and journalling.  That was the very Old.  It's like you have to let the positive psychosis come to you rather than chasing after it in order to get to the Old or to the the Holy Text

 

By the Old, I mean a Holy place.  A place full of beauty and love. It is the Original place, before corruption. Before the fall.  

 

Reasons to stay almost permanently on medications:

- community

- friendships

- healing

- 'going back' returning to the original. Healing enough

- healing the heart

- finding the 'old' again through healing

- healing enough for old self concept to arise

- healing enough to do right action

- Healing enough for heart awakenings

- heal relationships, heal divide

- heal PMDD

- breaking the cycle

Edited November 27, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Emotional Stability, restfulness, receptivity, contentedness or surrender creates a vacuum that must be filled by the universe at some point.  It can't remain empty. It's filled with love.  You open yourself up to the universe and the universe fills you with love.  You are the feminine principle here and the universe is the masculine principle here.  

 

There is the masculine principle as you and the universe as the feminine principle.  Strength and will creates a spear through reality and reality succumbs to your will like ‘magic’.  You own reality. You own the truth. You are an illusionist, a magician. You can play with reality and truth and form your own version of reality and truth.  "Psychosis".  But your psychosis becomes grounded, becomes a reality.  Sometimes.  But it isn't manipulative or delusional, you are simply strong and willful.

Edited November 27, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Alone is nice.   I like to put other  solitary goals ahead of friendships and relationships.  It helps me to establish inner independence and long term thinking.  To be able to face my 2nd day challenge, so I can eventually heal everything.  Friendships and relations are lack of solid ground at this time in my life.  You also grow a lot when you are singular.  You are forced to stand on your own two feet.

[Proserpina]

My kitty cat Moby, she is 19- 20 years old. She was a stray so we don't know for sure.  

 

[Proserpina]

Happiness is contagious and passes onto others like a domino affect.  One person can change an entire room.  And can be extremely constructive.  Even if that person is only in your mind like an angel or medication can do it too.  One person can wake up the entire world by being their true self.

.

.

.

I think the true self can be very persuasive for miserable people.  It's persuasive, influential.  The true self isn't bouncing off the walls cringy happy.  It's quietly, in the background, happily doing its own thing happy.  It's inspiring.  It's alone.  It solitary. It's happy doing It's own thing.  It's purposeful. It gets miserable people curious and then they start to open up to the happy person.  They are influenced.  The happy person is abundant and aristocratic and has an aura of beauty.  They are influential.

[Proserpina]

You can feel that almost repelling leaning forward energy.  Every one tells you to lean back, lean back, lean back, everyone will like you if you lean back your energy.   And they are right. Leaning back is fantastic for the short term, people will like you.  But there's disownership of the feminine, the feminine is in the shadow.  Because it can be unpleasant. Leaning forward.  Vulnerability.  But in the long term you see rewards and it shouldn't be disowned.

 

Leaning forward: attached, repelling, chasing, love.  
Leaning back: detached, attracting, running, life.  
The true self (super empath): attached and detached, love-life, God and Love. 

Feminine chases, masculine runs classically. The true self does both or neither.

 

The true self doesn't disown the masculine or feminine but sees the rewards of both.  Surrendering and being vulnerable (a part of leaning forward) tends to be uncomfortable in the short term but creates a vacuum in the long term for the divine to fill with love.  A harvest.  The feminine works with long term benefits. Scientists know this.  Maybe the masculine is the same.  Idk.

[Proserpina]

(This is not targeted toward anyone in particular but was said after my mum got sick and the entity attacked me and stole the light)

 

One day the sun won't rise and you will mourn, your world will fall to dust, your humiliation will be ten fold.  Do not mistreat the feminine, do not mistreat the  vulnerable, do not commit evil.
 

It's like a witches curse.

 

It's like do I go into the great unknown, into the vast darkness? Do I trigger it purposefully what people are calling this "psychosis" that has been a friend to me, my greatest ally, my companion in the dark. What has been demonized by the medical model.

 

OR do I allow the curse to play out. Stay on my medication permanently.  The sun won't rise. " It's like you have to let the positive psychosis come to you rather than chasing after it in order to get to the Old or to the the Holy Text"

 

I have to trust in myself and my healing ultimately.  I have to stop chasing positive psychosis. And trust that I already contain it within.  Medication makes anyone stronger, not weaker. Anyone.

 

Edited November 29, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

The "good" or "true" is often walked out on for whatever reason. Maybe it's not exciting, maybe it doesn't serve the ego. I've done it sometimes.  I'm sure others have done it too. 

 

(This is musings about home, no one from the forum)

 

When you hold onto the "good" or "true" or are long suffering and self sacrificing for the sake of love or an ideal that's when the magic starts to happen in the long term.  That's when you start to see miracles or marvels occur in the far future. 

Edited November 30, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I got through a major negative psychosis through colouring in and Jigsaw puzzles.  Just repeating the same action for months. Colouring in, Jigsaw puzzles, colouring in, Jigsaw puzzles, colouring in, jigsaw puzzles. The medical system knows what works.  They lay it out for you on tables in the psychwards. Because they know it works.

 

I just want to say something: The medical system is not stupid.

 

It is a monster.  To fight a monster (psychosis)

 

It's very frightening and intimidating.  It's like Kali.

[Proserpina]

During PMDD : 

 

Theory 1: I become very VERY aware of wrong positioning.  Of not following my highest excitement. Hyper sensitivity to wrong action. Wrong timing.  Wrong positioning.  If you catch my drift.  I become a perfectionist, a master, a vibrational "snob" as Abraham Hicks would put it. 

 

Theory 2: I'm following my highest excitement and bumping up against negative synchronicity especially during that time of the month. It's like negative synchronicity time.  

 

Following your highest excitement leads to negative synchronicity or doors closing according to Bashar.

 

Of course theory 1 and theory 2 doesn't make me a perfect human. I can be in a state of resistance.

 

Maybe it is both

 

I think these theories are more self loving. If I can understand why something is happening I can stop reacting to it.  Which is good for my mental health.

 

Understanding is key.

Edited November 30, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I think there is nothing more beautiful than a stable (order) feminine who has chaos at her core.

 

Just in general.  Not referring to myself necessarily.  

Edited November 30, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I think extremes can be detrimental to law of attraction.  The steady road is the fruitful road. "Going general".  Sobriety is deeper grounds.  Not swinging from one extreme to the other in your energy but being more 'flattened' out can help with law of attraction work.

 

Everyone keeps asking me if there is something wrong.  I seem sad, flat, like I've been crying.  All I can say is what do you expect from having your dopamine blocked by Olanzapine?  Flat or 'sober' is better than psychotic. Sobriety vs drunkness (highs and lows). I'm usually very cheerful during this time of the month.  That's a high, a mania (during the first half of the month).  Causing a low, a depression during the second half of the month.  I'm not cheerful during first half of the month anymore and people are picking it up.

 

During the first half of the month I have many of the characteristics of mania.  Euphoria, full of energy, self importance, important plans and ideas, hypersexuality.  If I can stop the mania from happening I can stop the fall, the depression from happening.

.

.

.

Maybe that's one of the differences between the aligned person and the depressive.  Empowerment vs victim mentality.   Law attraction and go getter mentality vs victim mentality. 

Edited November 30, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I had a dream.  Everything is extremely meaningful in the other world.  The spirit world.  There are no coincidences.  There's no time. All my accounts are significant and mean something.  Artaemis was where I had my mystical experiences so is my most significant account, it's my most 'NOW' account

 

All of these accounts are different voices, with different accuracy. Artaemis is most accurate.  Proserpina is second accurate, Kore is third accurate.

 

"The Masculine is about finding yourself.  And being ok with being that."  Joseph Maynor. 

 

In the dream Artemis was the huntress.  ( the hunter is a very significant symbol in my 'psychoses').  This is a very fascinating theme in my psychology. The Hunter.  I am hunted by the Hunter, by a spider.   But the Hunter is myself.   It is Artemis.  I have betrayed myself by turning my back on Love and the Hunter is hunting me.

 

When I would read Artemis's posts, she was speaking right at me.  "One day the sun won't rise, and you will mourn, your world will fall to dust, your humiliation will be 10 fold, do not mistreat the feminine, do not mistreat the vulnerable, do not commit evil".  That curse was meant for the entity for harming me, but I had cursed myself.

I had a conversation, one on one with Artemis in a word document.   She was highly intelligent.  And she had an agenda. She wanted me to be spiritual again basically.  She would win every conversation.  Highly charismatic.

 

"The Divine Masculine has no second.  It's the one sovereign thing.  This is very important to get clear about.  It's the Divine Individual or the Divine Thing.  The Masculine is about finding yourself.  And being ok with being that.  The that, the thing, the individual is Masculine.  You have to believe in yourself.  Believe in you.  Don't let any people take this away from you.  They will try.  Refuse to take their bait."  Joseph Maynor

 

In the dream, Artemis was the above.  The hunter.  Finding myself means finding the inner hunter.

 

Artemis was: 
A hunter (hunts 'bad' people, including myself)
Polarized
Service to other
Defusing
Aligned with the good
Mystic
Meditative
Chosen to channel

Self sacrificing
Selfless
Raising consciousness of planet

 

I'm not a 'bad' person but I did something bad during psychosis, something in my head, something I regret.  Something in the spirit world that has consequences.  Because I was angry with the entities.  

 When I had the conversation with Artemis I was able to defuse and move the energy.  She didn't want to hunt me as much anymore through communication.

Edited December 1, 2023 by Proserpina