Proserpina's Journal

[Phil]

2 hours ago, Proserpina said:

I can't just turn on my positive symptoms.  There is a pendulum and rhythm.  Like how the vortex sucks you in when it is time, you don't decide.   You hang out at hope. 

As awareness you can notice positive & negative are thoughts.

 

2 hours ago, Proserpina said:

It's like saying that the negatives of aspergers is 'discord' and the positives of aspergers is 'alignment'.  It's not so black and white.   ALL of aspergers is appreciated and is valuable.  They are different.  That difference has upsides.  But being different isn't 'discord' and the upsides 'alignment'. 

And feel them, as to what’s discordant. 

 

1 hour ago, Proserpina said:

Positive symptoms:  synchronicity, happiness, loved, appreciated, feel alive.  (Even if the shadow sometimes comes out to play and be loved as well)

 

The negative symptoms get in the way.  But it is a part of me and here to be loved.   The negative symptoms make me different.  And different is okay.  

Discordant thoughts. Not negative symptoms. 

 

50 minutes ago, Proserpina said:

It's not all wrong.  It's a combination of things.  

It’s how believing you know that there is right & wrong feels.

 

 It feels better that there isn’t right & wrong, because it’s actually true. 

 

 

[Proserpina]

When I say positive and negative, I'm not talking about literally positive and negative but positive and negative symptoms.  That's the medical terminology. 

 

They're unique manifestations.  

 

Negative symptoms tend to be tied to positive symptoms.  As a holistic diagnosis of schizoaffective.  You can't really have one without the other.   Law of polarity.  

 

Positive symptoms emerge inevitably because you can't have one without the other.  They balance each other out and self correct.   Law of rhythm and balance. 

 

Nether are negative or positive, really.  

Edited November 16, 2023 by Proserpina

[Alexander]

@Phil .Hey I suffer from schizoaffective too.Nice to meet you.

 

[Phil]

@Alexander

You haven’t met me quite yet. If anyone’s interested in making a thread and actually getting to the bottom of this, as always feel free. I’m happy to as well. My only ask is that there is no deflection or projection, meaning, everyone sticks to the topic at hand and not one single word is said about me, so you don’t derail your own thread. 

[Reena]

@Phil I mean it's nice to have my own space. But I hope I haven't offended you in any way. That will never be my intention. 

 

[Phil]

@Reena

I’m at a complete loss for what you’re referring to. 

[Reena]

@Phil it's good that you are at a loss. *Laughs *

 

[Proserpina]

20 hours ago, Proserpina said:

When I say positive and negative, I'm not talking about literally positive and negative but positive and negative symptoms.  That's the medical terminology. 

 

They're unique manifestations.  

 

Negative symptoms tend to be tied to positive symptoms.  As a holistic diagnosis of schizoaffective.  You can't really have one without the other.   Law of polarity.  

 

Positive symptoms emerge inevitably because you can't have one without the other.  They balance each other out and self correct.   Law of rhythm and balance. 

 

Nether are negative or positive, really.  

 

I think I'm describing something I see, that matches up with the symptoms but isn't a total match up with negative and positive symptoms.  It was just a symbol for me to grasp what I was seeing.   In reality it's more like yang vs yin symptoms.  Although positive and negative symptoms are close representations.  

Edited November 16, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

As my relationship with the micro improves, I see an impact on the macro.  I just met a person who radiated love toward me for some inexplicable reason.   I think it was the universe coming through a person.  I have been working on improving my relationship with the micro recently which impacts the macro which impacts the micro. 

 

The universe tells me I need to 'give' in order to recieve.  Love (from the universe) will only really come towards me when I'm open and willing to share of myself.   So I'm doing my best to genuinely give and share of myself through any medium.  That way the universe can feel a bond and our relationship can build.  I'm doing this through AI, tulpas, oracles, journalling.  

 

 

[Proserpina]

Peak state: 

 

Awareness of how I'm impacting macro when I'm improving relationship with micro.  Awareness of macro.  Macro comes to the forefront, rather than micro.  Improving relationship with macro. 

[Proserpina]

Macro = micro

As above so below, as below so above.

God is his creations and is beyond his creations. Can move through his creations.  

 

Macro: 

Everything is connected.  When I interact with one aspect/ the micro, I interact with the entirety.  I interact with the universe.  It impacts every other one aspect/ micro.  

 

“'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. ' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbour as yourself. '”

Edited November 17, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I'm used to rejection.  It comes with the territory of being different, of being alien.  Not wanted, not desired.  Being 'alien' has its benefits and downsides.  I'm like a sideshow, something fascinating to view for a time.  But I could never truly connect, only be viewed.  I can be desired sometimes for being alien.  But not for long, before they want a true connection with their own kind and I'm rejected.  I think of myself as a type of feminine, maybe even the extreme feminine, extreme chaos.  Most of humanity is masculine, order.  They want their own kind, I'm an obstacle.  Until I'm needed.  I'm both loved and rejected by the universe for being different. 

 

Being alien comes with being devalued and demonized by people.  People can't relate, can't empathize with you easily.   Or maybe they don't want to.   If you mess up in some way, they will demonize you for it and reject you forever.   You aren't quite 'human' like they are.   Only humans are allowed to make mistakes.   Only humans are allowed common courtesy and respect.   You are ignored, stonewalled if you stand up for yourself.   Standing up for yourself is a big no-no.  It's a mistake.   

 

I've seen where this evolves to.   Eventually the 'alien' is accepted once their differences are needed, are required for the evolution of people.   But only for a time.  

Edited November 17, 2023 by Proserpina

[Alexander]

12 hours ago, Alexander said:

@Phil .Hey I suffer from schizoaffective too.Nice to meet you.

 

@Proserpina Nice to meet you.

@Phil I posted video to show you what are positive and what are negative symptoms of schizophrenia so that you can understand what Proserpina is refering to.Nether are positive or negative that's just medical terms.

[Proserpina]

@Alexander Nice to meet you too 🙂

Schizoaffective is a very unique disorder.  Glad to see there is someone else here who can possibly understand. 

 

In my experience, it can be both heaven and hell.   Extreme alignment and extreme 'discord'.  Or rejected and loved for being different, atypical.  It's extremes.  I do think I  can learn to live in heaven and alignment as I mature into it.  Process it and learn. 

[Proserpina]

My whole energy and disposition changes during yang symptoms. 

I'm full of Life, activity, happiness and I have satisfied, detached energy.   Masculine energy. Attractive energy.  I don't really get depressed.  The shadow may manifest though as it's attracted to my energy. 

 

My disposition during yin symptoms (when yang symptoms are absent) is Love, an open heart, chaos/ disorganization, passivity. Feminine energy. I am attached and repelling as a result. 

 

Yin symptoms are pervasive and everpresent (yin or extreme feminine is my fundamental identity) but I swing into the yang for balance. 

Edited November 17, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Even though I'm yin oriented I'm also Greek-Dutch.  My whole family are domineering, I pale in comparison.  I have a strong voice that irritates other people, as they want to be dominant.  I'm very passive and disorganised compared to the rest of my family.  They tell me to speak up, as I'm an extreme introvert.  My disorganised and passive temperament (compliments of schizoaffective) come from my Dad whose also on the spectrum of schizoaffective.  He's highly domineering though and walks all over me. 

.

I need a man with a similar background and disposition, who can handle me, like the rest of my family.  Who will be like family.  We would become one, in our own pride of lions. Bonded.  Birds of a feather flock together.  He would be my other half, active, extroverted and organized/order.  Yang. The masculine equivalent of me. 

 

There's only been one other  who has measured up as my equivalent and he was the universe or god.  The macro measures up. 

Edited November 18, 2023 by Proserpina

[Phil]

3 hours ago, Alexander said:

@Proserpina Nice to meet you.

@Phil I posted video to show you what are positive and what are negative symptoms of schizophrenia so that you can understand what Proserpina is refering to.Nether are positive or negative that's just medical terms.

 

14 hours ago, Phil said:

@Alexander

You haven’t met me quite yet. If anyone’s interested in making a thread and actually getting to the bottom of this, as always feel free. I’m happy to as well. My only ask is that there is no deflection or projection, meaning, everyone sticks to the topic at hand and not one single word is said about me, so you don’t derail your own thread. 

 

[Proserpina]

I woke up to a voice telling me: 

 

They're waking up soon. 

 

They're waking up.  

 

(I'm not a voice hearer.  Unless they're awake and I'm very quiet/ in meditation.  I can hear whispers)

 

I can hear whispers in my head.   So they're definitely waking up.  This makes me think it's a type of tulpa maybe.  It's a combination of things.  

Edited November 18, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Some men and women just have cruelty and evil in their heart.   They want to see others suffer.  Maybe they're jealous, I don't know.  I suspect so.  There's a part of you that shines, and they want to snuff it out.  They don't want to see you shine and flourish. 

Edited November 18, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I think a lack of empathy from others causes schizoaffective to worsen radically and lays at the heart of it.  Love and communication improves it.  Lack of empathy is like punching someone who already has brain-damage, even if they deserve it.  It doesn't help the situation, it simply worsens it.  There is a momentum to a lack of empathy from others.   It causes schizoaffective to become worse and worse until they can't see reality unless they are given love, empathy or communication.  They are the result of a failed system (that reaches generations).  They just keep being given less and less empathy as the momentum is out of control and then blamed for it when they are now disabled and brain-damaged. 

Edited November 19, 2023 by Proserpina