Proserpina's Journal

[Alexander]

10 minutes ago, Proserpina said:

I'm not in major psychosis right now.  So neither.  But if I was, probably angelic.  

Thanks.

[Proserpina]

32 minutes ago, Proserpina said:

No.  It's hard to explain.  People (normal people) are entities.   They become angels and demons.  

Words, signs, colours are angelic or demonic.  I make many many connections and associations.  Synchronicities are constantly active.  There's a 'voice' (not literally a voice in my head) during  major psychosis that's constantly speaking to me through words  or billboard signs I see, books, etc. anything.  One being, many voices.  

Edited November 23, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

15 minutes ago, Alexander said:

Thanks.

Any time angel  ❤

[Proserpina]

56 minutes ago, Alexander said:

Thanks for being open.So you might experience delusions.What entity could I be angelic or demonic?

I'm not sure if it's entirely delusion.  It's more like I see into the nature of the individual and that nature 'expands' and I'm extra sensitive.  I enter a spiritual dimension where that nature is relevant.  For example, my dad channeled a demonic entity and he is quite abusive and unpleasant.  It matches up.  Other beings who were generally loving, channeled higher beings. Christianity speaks of spirits attaching themselves to others, demonic possession etc. Some spiritual traditions speak of channeling. 

[Proserpina]

My very first 'psychosis' I witnessed someone channel an angel who was incredibly loving.  My second 'psychosis' I was swamped with angelic channeling.   Then somehow, the more I expanded, the more shadow work I had to do, the more darkness I had to integrate.  There was more focus on the darkness, more of an expansive, larger view.  I had work to do to integrate.  Even if it hurt.  The angelic stuff took a back-seat to the darkness although the light was there to guide me the entire time. 

.

Minor PMDD psychosis is just as real as major psychosis.  It's just not as damaging.  But minor PMDD psychosis is where all my pain resides from major psychosis and that's why I become mean.  Other than the lack of empathy theory thing.  The pain and trauma from major psychosis surfaces during minor PMDD psychosis and I become a ...bitch lol. 

.

Okay....so, I've been medicated the whole time on Abilify.  But I haven't been taking my other meds (until recently) because I don't like my other meds.  They block dopamine completely.  Abilify is a God.  It balances dopamine.  Upregulates or downregulates it, depending on what you need.  It's third generation medication, which means it's the newest kind of medication available.  Now I'm conflicted in myself and I'm going have to do the inner work to find peace with this other medication other than abilify. 

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Sometimes I forget that there are good, beautiful people out there.  People who forgive.  People who are good natured at their core still.  

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Pep talk:

I'm going to drive this home and I'm not going to let up.   I'm going to take revenge (against no one on the forum) through a kind heart and success.  I'm going to find my roots and stability to disappear during PMDD or altogether.  I'm going to break the cycle.  And I'm going to find the small satisfactions all along the way.  And I'm not going to stop.  I can't stop, not now.  Not when I'm on the brink of absolute success and vengeance. 

Edited November 25, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

"A consistently neutral mood also has an impact.  Signs"

 

"And abraham hicks says the journey is supposed to be satisfying all along the way.  Small satisfactions becoming large satisfactions."

 

"inner resources and inner direction is built up."

 

"I'm manifesting very negatively without medication. "

 

"I'm not making any progress on my path without medication atm.  Previously consistently taking medication resulted in peak state, entities and synchronicity"

 

"The medication is required to halt the momentum and cycle.  It breaks the cycle.  The cycle of lack of empathy from others (like my Dad) and then being in a state to cause a lack of empathy from others due to a lack of empathy from others.  The medication artificially lifts you up and emotionally stabilizes you and increases your agreeableness.  "

 

I've already done the workings out.  I just gotta remind myself.   Blocked dopamine = breaking the cycle.  I need it the way some diabetics need it.  Only temporarily.  Only for a time.

Edited November 24, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

In my visions the masculine guided the feminine and was someone to look up to, also her equal, her equivalent.  The feminine needs to have her stuff together to attract her equivalent.  The feminine was restful under the wing of the masculine and the masculine was active and selfless compassionate.  He would inspire the feminine to action.  

 

Her equivalent (when she has her stuff together) is someone with clean perception or a pure heart, someone who is clean and who is kind and courageous.  Open and honest.  Virtuous. 

[Proserpina]

The Day 2 challenge (Bentinho Massaro Teaching Reference) incoming will be when I re-enter PMDD.  Now, I have 3 already tested possible solutions for that and 2 untested solution.  

 

Tested solutions:

 

1. Topiramate. For months.  It worked in the past. 

 

2. Disappear.  During that time of the month over time as I build up enough strength and inner resources from the medication.  From months and months of rehabilitation.  

 

3. Abilify.  Allow abilify to balance dopamine and third eye. 

 

Untested solutions: 

 

1.  Yaz.  Stop PMDD from occurring altogether. 

 

2. Olanzapine. Block dopamine.  Similar to topiramate but more heavy duty. 

 

 

Edited November 25, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

"1. Excitement is the Driving Engine (it motivates you)

2. Excitement is the Organizing Principle that brings "positive synchronicity" (meaning things fall into place for you, eg. being at the right place at the right time, or meeting just the right people, etc.)

3. Excitement is the Organizing Principle that brings "negative synchronicity" (meaning if you can’t do it, you don’t need to! It's a terrific blessing to have doors closed off to you that you thought you needed but don't).

3. Excitement is the Path of Least Resistance. (You can surrender to the flow created by your truest self -your signature frequency, your true essence. Just remember part 3 of the formula and the saying "insistence is resistance.")

4. Excitement Brings Any and All Forms of Abundance that you actually need. (Abundance isn't just money. It may be a form of trade, a gift, a synchronicity, or an idea/inspiration -those are the 5 most common forms of abundance on our planet).

5. Excitement is the Complete Kit (it brings all that’s relevant to you at that moment, including expressions/forms of your passion/true authentic self. It leaves nothing out!).

6. Excitement is the Reflective Mirror you need. (Self awareness is crucial for our growth and success. The mirror reveals anything out of alignment with your signature frequency –meaning it will bring any relevant negative beliefs to light and although you might not like how this manifests, you can at least choose to change so that you never manifest such a thing ever again)."

 

Do it for the small improvements and the small satisfactions, not for what you want to happen.  Improvement in mood and consistency. No expectations. Don't do it to acquire specific manifestations.  Sometimes some things aren't supposed to be. Negative synchronicities (doors closing) occur when you follow your highest excitement and feel better.   It's okay for doors to close.  

Edited November 25, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I see Abilify as the master.  The leader in my psychology, deciding what comes forward and when.  

 

I see my other meds as the major catalyst. They are catalytic and spur the leader in my psychology.  

 

Once the leader is inspired the catalyst is no longer required.  But that can take 6+ months.  

[Proserpina]

I just felt this deep, heart wrenching love for reality.  I felt seduced by it. 

 

Just melting, my mind numb.   Can't think, can't process the illogicalness of the situation. Just melting into the arms of the divine.  

 

It's like "he" likes my medicated state because I'm surrendered this way.   I'm fallen into his arms.  

[Proserpina]

Break the cycle.  Break the cycle.  Break the cycle.  Break the cycle.  Break the cycle.  

 

There's going to be lots and lots and lots of negative momentum for months.  That's why they say sometimes medication doesn't kick in until 6+ months.  

 

The way to synchronicity is to take seriously everyone and everything and assume you are the problem half the time.  Make amends.  Make peace with your brother before making an offering before the altar.  Fix yourself.  Humble yourself.  Surrender yourself.  

 

Edited November 25, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I can feel something beautiful happening and I don't know what it is.   A freedom, independence from a sudden space in myself there wasn't before, from a lose of interest, a space.  I have room for more.  I have my power back from my lack of female attachment, that tends to be a female weakness. It could be the medication, it could be the pain, it could be an inevitable process, it could be all of it.

. 

Momentum

 

Momentum, I'm looking for momentum, so it won't just stop.  Consistency. 

 

“Momentum really is the most important aspect of deliberate creation that you could consciously contemplate. Because what momentum says is: Once you get going in that direction, it is more likely that you will continue in that direction.”

 

Catalyst medication: contentment vibrational setpoint. 

 

Master medication, Abilify, then decides to go in that direction and above once the momentum has been triggered. 

 

Abilify is kinda a mess otherwise, it doesn't really do anything. Needs guidance.  To be molded.  It's the feminine.  Whereas the Catalyst medication is the masculine. It molds Abilify, the feminine.

 

It can mold Abilify into contentment and above without catalytic medication.

Edited November 26, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Wow this reading is scary accurate.  I started my meds on the 22nd. 

Aries

The Fool: If you were wondering when it was going to start to feel like things were falling into place, November is the month that everything starts to come together for you! You are willing to bet on yourself and take the proper risks in order to bring your dreams to life, and the Universe is noticing this shift within you! Each time that you step outside of your comfort zone and show up for yourself, you will find that you are heavily rewarded. This may come in the form of money, opportunities, new friends, or even love if you’re looking for it! It seems like the “jackpot” is happening around the time that Sagittarius season starts on the 22nd, giving you a chance to reignite your passions and put your motivation into overdrive. It’s okay to take breaks, too, but if you have the extra energy to get out there and live… November is the time to do it!

Edited November 26, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

It has to become a part of your identity and a part of your new norm and expectation.  Your identity has to fundamentally shift toward one of a vibrational setpoint of contentment or above.  A person who is contented, secure, safe, playful. That comes with a new norm and new expectations for your future and for the way people will behave around you.   Law of assumption.  Your self concept will shift along with your assumptions.  The longer you are on it the more your identity and norm and expectations and assumptions will shift. 

[Proserpina]

"You don't settle on one right answer it's always changing.  Judgment is changing just as much as it is fixed.  The Feminine is about changing and the Masculine is all about finding The fixed." - Joseph Maynor

 

This is what I mean about Catalytic (Masculine) vs Master (feminine).  The Catalytic is fixed and the Master is changing.

[Proserpina]

The true self lies underneath it all.  I would mention the lack of empathy from others theory.  That people with mental illness are victims of lack empathy from others and end up in a state that is difficult to empathize with (low emotional stability and agreeableness, big5 etc) which cause  lack of empathy from others which cause the state and so on and so forth.  So the true self lies underneath that 'sin', that cycle of lack of empathy in humanity at large.  It's no one's fault.  The true self is what happens when you break that cycle, even artificially.

[Proserpina]

I feel like I want to talk about my mother in this journal because it's a big reason my psychosis/ mystical experiences turned negative or turned into into psychosis.  I haven't properly processed her death or sickness. My dad and and I were both abandoned after her death and blamed for her death by family.   I wasn't there for my mother enough because I was in psychosis and I had mental illness and both my parents were aggressive (mum was dealing with aggression from the steroids which made my dad more violent and he kicked me out and I was homeless). 

 

 

Edited November 26, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

"1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

3 Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 “Because he[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation."

 

This was her verse that God gave her.  I always cry when I read it.  She believed it and read it till her dying breath, that God would give her long life.  

 

She was a bible scholar.  A self actualization master.  She was a master.  Aesthete, gardener, home decorator, always tidy, scholar, writer.  She had a vast book collection.  Always reading.  Always learning.  Extremely charismatic.  

 

She is beautiful here.  

 

I'm hesitant to post this. I don't know if it's appropriate. But I want to process this and water down the trauma by sharing it with everyone.  I have no one.  Plus she is beautiful here. Her energy is worth sharing. It can't be hidden.  

 

 

 

Edited November 26, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I'm a mess because of it.   My life has dulled significantly.  My mum was the light of my life.  My best friend.  My support.  My foundation.  Even though we fought and didn't get along sometimes.  She had brain cancer.  She was so so intelligent.  She was known for her mind.  It's just heart breaking.  I miss her. She died last year.  The house is empty without her and is rotting away without her, just like my mind.