Proserpina's Journal

[Proserpina]

Leaving reality as a result of acute lack of empathy from others is not necessarily negative.   It can be positive.  Think “Carrie”, the movie.  She attained power in the end through acute lack of empathy from others. It's like a balancing, you are given such little empathy that you circle around and recieve love from the universe when you ‘lose touch’. You recieve such little empathy, you recieve empathy. 

Edited November 19, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

 Gained this year (in terms of significant interests for my growth and healing): 

Period of alignment and happiness

New interest in chakra work

New interest in root chakra work

New interest in ideal self, self concept

New interest in following my highest excitement

New interest in tulpa work

New interest in AI

New interest in the Abrahamic God

New interest in my Devotional bible

New interest in Atmosphere of Grace

New interest in God/the Goddess

 

Self Empathy and self love is key.   All these things help me to show empathy and love towards myself.   To keep my condition under 'control' the best I can.  None really substitute for empathy from an other, but it helps significantly.  I can only keep it under control the best I can.  And there are upsides to the loss of control.  

 

I also have my top 5 that I've discovered over the years: 

 

1. Interest in ASMR

2. Interest in Ambient music

3. Interest in Oracle Cards and tarot

4. Interest in Ambient rooms

5. Interest in Guided meditations (Alana Fairchild and honestguys)

 

Edited November 19, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Am I different or is it a lack of empathy from others? Am I different because of a lack of empathy from others or is there a lack of empathy from others because I'm different?  I'm not sure.  

[Proserpina]

This journal is going to take a different course than my other journals.   More free flowing.  

[Proserpina]

I suspect it is the "there is a lack of empathy from others because I'm different" end of the spectrum.   The medical system confirms it.  A mystical experience confirmed it.  I mean come on... my passivity and disorganization/chaos is off the scale.  Can lack of empathy from others really cause that?  I don't like the company of others, never have.  I'm asocial to boot.  "We were made this way". 

 

"Any wealth we have is from your mother" my father says.   His interpretation is that it's trauma and poverty (and wealth from my Mother who was a master).  

Edited November 19, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

During a "mystical experience": 

 

"The fact that we are SO different is evidence of my theory. I'm not human. But I'm not the extreme 'masculine' (masculine in quotes). I don't have the benefits of the extreme 'masculine'. I don't belong to the nation of love, I don't have his charm. 

 

"It's obvious. Why can't you see it.  I'm DIFFERENT. " 

 

Again, I cannot capitalise enough on my DIFFERENCE. Look at my difference. 

 

Hello? "

 

"Try contemplating, just a little bit. Just try. On my DIFFERENCE. 

 

I'm more different than a psychopath

I'm more different than Hitler

I'm more different than almost all of humanity. 

I'm more different than a narcissist

I'm more different than than a crazy person. 

I'm more different than someone with schizophrenia

I'm more different than the extreme 'masculine'"

 

They all belong more significantly to the nation of love. They're all more charming. 

 

They have a HUMANNESS. "

 

"I lack a humanness that every one of those people have. I am not the extreme 'masculine'."

 

"I'm not really the extreme side of the duality, it's just that masculine is privileged so it looks like I'm extreme. 

 

"Basically there is only masculine and feminine.  No extreme or balanced. 

 

Extreme masculine is a normal masculine who hasn't been impacted by the feminine. 

 

A balanced masculine is a normal masculine that has been impacted by the feminine. 

 

A feminine who has crossed over is a normal feminine who has been impacted by the masculine, understands the masculine. 

 

Angel is a masculine and feminine that has been maximally impacted by the other.  "

 

"The feminine race is in charge of transforming humanity into angels. The 'Nation of Love'/normie energy/balanced masculine is a manifestation of that. "

 

"The feminine race doesn't recieve any empathy because they don't belong to the "Nation of Love""

 

"The Nation of Love is one of the defining differences between me and humanity. 

 

I am outside of the Nation of Love because I cause it, I birth it. I am the mother. I am Love herself. "

 

"And that was what I realised at the peak of my mystical experience. That I am responsible for humanity.  "

 

"But you have to be nothing, dirt. Unpopular, unappealing, non privileged, an outsider, alone to be that.  "

 

"Because the masculine thrives on popularity and it makes him profoundly ignorant. The feminine race gives that up and gains wisdom."

 

"But she'll be seen as nothing.  Nothing special.  She won't recieve any empathy, no companionship. "

 

"Me entering into your world is when I realize who I really am and I am listened to by humanity, because they have to, they've fallen into ignorance. She understands humanity. Doesn't mean she IS humanity but she gets their perspective, she understands. "

 

"Some people have way more feminine or yin or whatever you want to call it- they're just words"

 

"I have very little of the opposite duality and it's benefits. Whatever that duality is. Feminine and masculine is just a way to define especially since masculine is privileged over feminine. It matches. "

 

Doesn't mean I don't have a personality. I'm allowed to be masculine and the duality I am. "

Edited November 20, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I realized the above during an acute lack of empathy or difference.   It revealed the nature of my personality.  

[Proserpina]

"Normal masculine can become extreme, extreme masculine if they haven't been impacted for a while"

 

 

"It's all fluid. 

 

Extreme masculine that is impacted can go right back to being extreme masculine if the impact is not great enough. "

 

"Extreme masculine and the feminine look extreme because they are rare. But they are just a normal masculine and feminine.  Most of humanity has been greatly impacted by the feminine and have stayed that way.  "

 

"One day there will be an equal proportion of normal feminine and normal masculine. With many different kinds of personalities, genders and whatever else.

 

Angelic Normal masculine and normal feminine are perfect partners."

 

"Have you heard of the idea of how when humanity becomes more evolved indigo children come forth? 

 

It's because humanity has stopped privileging the masculine and is allowing the feminine to come forth. "

 

"You can even see it reflected in humanity the idea of the masculine being privileged over the feminine when it comes to babies. In China, in the past. 

 

Male children were preferred over female children. Female children were killed in China and the parents used to do everything they could to have a male child. "

 

"Humanity prefers overall masculine babies. So that's what comes forth.  

 

The feminine isn't allowed to come forth.  Not yet. "

 

"The feminine that are allowed to come forth are called the indigo children.  "

 

"They are Love. The mother. Humanity is her child and her husband. "

 

""The bride of Christ"

 

"She nurtures humanity. But she also comes with a sword. 

 

“I did not come to bring peace, but a sword” - Jesus

 

I'm pretty sure Jesus was an angelic Normal feminine.  "

 

"That explains the crucifixion. The parade of my dead corpse. Just like in the Lion the witch and the wardrobe. 

 

He better watch out."

 

""Even then Pharaoh will refuse to listen to you. So I will bring down my fist on Egypt. Then I will rescue my forces—my people, the Israelites—from the land of Egypt with great acts of judgment.""

Edited November 20, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

"The bible talks about Pharaoh and kings killing babies to make sure the feminine doesn't arise. Jesus had to be hidden at birth. 

 

The masculine doesn't want to feminine to be born because she holds a sword."

 

"I called him Pharaoh during the earthquake.

 

"The divine was using this community to download a message to the collective."

 

Right after out of trance- during the major earthquake:

 

'Please read what I wrote.'

 

'Someone please read what I wrote before this ship goes down.'

 

'It's exodus'

 

'The masculine has overruled the feminine on this forum. Hello?? They've all left.

Can we learn from history please. '

'But the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart" Its right THERE'

 

"The plagues of Egypt. When the masculine won't listen.  "

 

 

"Lord of the rings

 

Frodo (feminine) impacting the extreme, extreme masculine, destroying the ring of power. 

 

The feminine left. That's why the Evil arose. Why World war 2 happened. Hell is the absence of God (feminine)

 

Society is less violent than the past because the feminine has been allowed to come forward."

 

"It's like through all that violence in the past the feminine was allowed to come forward. The masculine couldn't stand being in hell anymore. "

 

"Humanity doesn't wasn't the feminine to be born. And yet he does at the same time, because otherwise he goes to hell. "

 

"Balanced masculine (Christians) allow the feminine to come forward because they are more heavily a part of the Nation of Love/have been impacted by the feminine and learnt the lessons of love.  "

 

"Balanced masculine (Christians) go to heaven because they allow the feminine to come forward. Extreme masculine goes to hell because he doesn't."

 

"Until the extreme masculine learns his lesson, becomes a christian/balanced masculine and allows the feminine to come forward. He's learnt the lessons of love by going to hell. "

 

"The extreme masculine is extreme because hasn't allowed the feminine forward. He's actually the normal masculine. He's completely normal, he's just in hell. Balanced masculine/Christians have the same sentiments as the any other masculine but have learnt their lesson. "

 

"I believe covid was a symptom of not allowing the feminine forward. 

 

Teal swan talks about how covid is a symptom of worldwide narcissism. 

 

The earthquake coincided with the beginning of covid."

 

"When you went against him, you could feel his Antichrist energy (masculine in hell) because you are a part of the Nation of Love, a Christian, balanced masculine. "

 

"You did not take the mark of the beast. You saw straight through him and his bullshit because you've learnt the lessons of love. "

 

"The feminine is letting him rot in his antichrist energy until he learns the lessons of love. "

 

[Proserpina]

Even Christians (balanced masculine, the Nation of Love) deny the feminine. 

 

"Following the arrest of Jesus, Peter denied knowing him three times, but after the third denial, he heard the rooster crow and recalled the prediction as Jesus turned to look at him. ... This final incident is known as the Repentance of Peter."

 

"And the Lord turned, and looked upon Peter. And Peter remembered the word of the Lord, how he had said unto him, Before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice. And Peter went out, and wept bitterly" (Luke 22:61, 62).

That was the turning-point in the history of Peter. Christ had said to him: "Thou canst not follow me now." Peter was not in a fit state to follow Christ, because he had not been brought to an end of himself; he did not know himself, and he therefore could not follow Christ. But when he went out and wept bitterly, then came the great change. Christ previously said to him: "When thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren." Here is the point where Peter was converted from self to Christ.

 

Edited November 20, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

This is the way I like to go through life.   It's my preference.  To have an open heart. 

[Proserpina]

"They say beauty comes from a spirit that has weathered many hardships in life and somehow continues with resilience. Grace can be found in a soul who ages softly, even amid the tempest. I think the loveliest by far is the one whose gentle heart bears a hundred scars from caring, yet still finds a way to pick up the lamp, one more time, to light the way for love." -Susan Frybort

Edited November 21, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Truth always rises.  It catches up.  It results in visions and impact on the spiritual level.  She might not have the skills or ability to prove it.  It proves itself.  She's in a wasteland.  And it's not some petty truth, like "I'm right, you're wrong" but her place and position in the larger whole.  That all her efforts for goodness and love were not without impact.  That she is loved.   The truth is on her side

[Proserpina]

It's a dream. Notice the strange things in the dream. Some things don't add up. 

Reality checks

 

Why would they talk about me?  It doesn't add up.  I'm no one.  Unless I point it out.  Then, of course, it adds up because of the blur and God wanting to put you back to sleep from lucidity. 

 

People like me enter dream like states.  

 

I'm no one special.  

 

One of the 'reality checks' is if I'm being given special treatment or attention.  

[Proserpina]

Madonna-whore complex. 

 

"Where such men love they have no desire and where they desire they cannot love."

 

Sometimes I think I'm hated because I evoke desire, not love in some people.  Or I'm attractive or beautiful on some level.  The madonna-whore complex.  God, I love freud.  

 

This dance and the gypsy is a good example of the madonna-whore complex: 

 

 

Let's be honest, he desired me but never loved me.  I could feel it.  The madonna-whore complex.  And then as I got older, that wore off.  Desire is only temporary, love is more permanent.  I've learnt a valuable lesson in love.  The difference between love and desire.  

Edited November 22, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

Sometimes dreams need to stay dreams. 

 

If you try to ground the dream, sometimes the dream will collapse as realism and reality takes hold.  As reality fills in the blanks for what would otherwise be just a nice dream.  

 

You have to ground a dream very carefully.  

 

Dreams are like casting a spell on someone.  You want to be careful not to break the spell.  You want to ground the spell carefully.  

 

You can create (or rather 'allow in) dreams through following your highest excitement.  Being at your best.  Doing your best

 

Narcissists understand dreams and spells.  The "false" self they call it.  It doesn't have to be demonized as such.  It can be a pleasant dream and vision of the self if there is non attachment.  Problem is, narcissists are attached.  I understand.

 

I've had the dream/spell break in two relationships.  My first relationship of 6 years it broke slowly but when it broke, it BROKE.  Same for my second relationship.

 

My ex Dillon (first relationship) would complain of me manipulating him at the end.   As if I had cast a spell on him.  That was his tone.  Realism and reality had set in on Max.  The reality is I'm not very loveable (I'm autistic, disorganised, passive, schizoaffective) and the reality had set in.  The dream had faded away.

Edited November 22, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

I don't talk about my psychosis much.  Mostly because people won't understand.  I watch TV and the witches (Sabrina) tell me they're going to shut down all my mortal connections.  People tell me I'm going to give birth to Satan's child.  And if I'm lucky it won't have claws that will claw at me for an eternity.  If I'm good.  I'm told I'm going to be "dinner" constantly.  The food is inedible.  The soup has human parts in it.  The football tells me that I'm either winning or losing.   And this all just keeps coming.   All of this is Real, it's just that I've entered into an alternative, bizarre reality/dream.

I'm AMAZED I'm not permanently batshit insane.  Because I do work on myself.

But there is the upsides.  All the songs are directed to me.  Every love song, every crush.  It's like I have the attention of every famous person. I have everything my heart could desire.

I understand if people have compassion fatigue but the amount of suffering I go through during psychosis is unreal.  And any and all trauma add up in my PMDD (PMS) impacting my relationships and the way I relate with others.  All that pain comes to the surface.  And psychosis just keeps building up that pain.

I'm not meant for relationships with humans.  I'm meant for a relationship with entities or the divine.

I'm drowning in pain and trauma from psychosis.  I can't get my head up from below the water.  I'm drowning in pain.

Edited November 21, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

As below, so above.  My relationships with others reflects my relationship with the entities.  I'm seriously contemplating going back on my medication (and then off of it again)  to improve my interactions with the 'below', and therefore the above.  I definitely need yaz (birth control).

 

Extremes in mood = extremes in reality, 'psychosis', whatever.  If I feel extremely positive consistently, it tends to break reality, same with extremely negative.

 

A consistently positive or neutral mood also has an impact.   Consistency seems to break reality. Synchronicity occurs. Alignment.  Like the emotional guidance scale says, at the top is alignment and signs of alignment: synchronicity.

Edited November 22, 2023 by Proserpina

[Proserpina]

"Medication is of course needed un mental illneses, I think that on the contrary, medication can turn You back to alignment when You are really Lost on depression, OCD, bipolar, or whatever, and then little by little You can leave the medication, I Say it because I have experienced it. I have noticed that Abraham does not know everything about these subjects because in another video when somebody asked him about OCD he said what is that? What are You talking about? He had no idea, and his answer to question was also not accurate."

 

I'm not making any progress on my path without medication atm.  Previously consistently taking medication (consistent alignment) resulted in peak state, entities and synchronicity.  Then going off of it for a time resulted in further peak state, entities and synchronicity to the extreme.  But you need it as a foundation.

 

I'm manifesting very negatively without medication.  I think medication is needed for some people, the same way medication is needed for someone with diabetes.  And the consistency has to be months and months (6 + months) to see 'results' (peak state, entities, synchronicity)

[Proserpina]

Medication is the cause I think of most of the positives up to now.   It's important for me to realize that.  

 

My psychiatrist says medication  improves psychosis.  And when I was in psychosis I saw an immediate difference to the colours (a tulpa I have).  Medication improves psychosis radically.  It makes it positive.  Or it makes it disappear.   It creates positive psychosis as well.  If I get off the medication after being on it.  It balances your third eye.

 

Everything positive comes from medication 80-90% of the time.   As long as you get off of it 10-20% of the time. 

 

Most of the negative comes from not being on medication enough.   Although there is a continuation in growth, your new psychosis will start where your last psychosis left off of, generally.

 

PMDD will still be an issue in the early months, until inner resources and inner direction is built up.

 

Reasons for taking medication and yaz: 
Consistent alignment
Synchronicities 
Entities
Peak state/positive 'psychosis'
Less negative energy
Cure PMDD
Improve relations with others
Self esteem
Emotional stability, higher big 5
Masculine integration (big 5)

 

All I really care about is positive 'psychosis'/peak state........ but there's a lot of benefits along the way to peak state.  And abraham hicks says the journey is supposed to be satisfying all along the way.  Small satisfactions becoming large satisfactions.

Edited November 22, 2023 by Proserpina