will of the heart

[ivankiss]

It's hot as hell today.

 

Screw you, summer! 😄

[ivankiss]

A guy I used to work with years ago contacted me, saying that he's deeply involved in swinger parties and wants to pull me in. I don't know what to think about it... On one hand, it could solve my sexual abstinence issues, and on the other hand, it's not really my thing. Cannot really imagine myself in that scenario.

 

Interesting, nevertheless.

[ivankiss]

Trade closed in profit.

 

Approximately 50% of initial TP. Not bad. However, my concern is that trading the daily chart is going to be just a bit too slow. I'd have to wait for entries and exists longer - it's not like I can do this every day. In the long run that would be ok, but for now, I'd like it to be a bit more frequent. Might switch to trading the hourly.

 

I could have let this trade run a bit longer, I'm pretty sure my TP would be hit within a day or two, but I was satisfied with the profit, and I also felt a little bit of scarcity. It's ok. It's the first trade. 

 

I'm warming up and still figuring out which system would suit me the most. 

[ivankiss]

Trading the daily chart is also not very precise. I'm leaving quite a lot of pips on the table. I could extract more if my entries were tighter.

 

Being too surgical about it is also not good, but being too loosey goosey ain't either. Gotta find that sweet middle spot. 

 

Not opening a new position tonight. Will think a bit about what's the smart thing to do.

[ivankiss]

I've been focused on one pair only for a very long time now. I find that there is more place for errors to occur if I was to jump between pairs all the time. It seems a bit too scattered. I'd much rather merge completely with one chart/pair only and stick to it. At least until I master this craft completely.

 

I'm kinda attracted more to high frequency trading. Fast in and outs, a bunch of smaller profits and losses that all add up at the end of the day/week. I feel like I'm more involved and more in control that way. Letting trades run for longer periods of time is more in the territory of investments, and I find that to be less certain, especially with smaller amounts of money. That is something I'd be interested in after a while, once I've already accumulated some nice money.

 

But, high frequency trading can also be very dangerous. It requires absolute focus and nerves of still. Emotions must stay out of the equation. You must practically be totally zen. Or else it can become a way to empty your account real quick.

 

Again, for now, I think I'm searching for that sweet middle spot. Not too fast, not too slow. Not too tight, not too loose. Simply because I have other things throughout day (job, ect) I cannot dedicate myself 100% to trading. I'm also doubting I'm good enough just yet to be able to pull off that kind of stuff.

 

I love this stuff haha! It's super cool. But also super tricky and demanding. Until it isn't anymore, I imagine.

[ivankiss]

I'm so pissed at this place where I work now. It's a town that has barely anything to offer, yet the prices are ridiculously high, especially when it comes to apartments. Everything is focused on tourism. They basically kick people out of their apartments every summer, so that they can rent it out to tourists for 3x the price.

 

It's so damn corrupted. I honestly hate this place. I really don't see why people come here at all. The beaches are super small, crowded and ugly. The town has 3 interesting buildings. Two shopping centres, and that's all. Yet the prices are as if you came to fucking Monte Carlo. 

 

I'm pissed because I want to get a freaking room for myself here and leave my grandmother's place, but it's just impossible. There are zero options.

 

Cannot wait the summer to end. To leave and to never come back here again.

 

Fuck you, Capodistria.

 

 

Edited June 23, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

It's no surprise; if you're nervous, everything seems like it's going against you. Stressed myself out a bit because of this apartment issue, but I'm cooling down now. I'm on my break, about to take a short nap.

 

All is well.

[Mandy]

On 6/6/2022 at 4:04 PM, ivankiss said:

You could have given me a million dollars yesterday it would've meant absolutely nothing to me. You could've burnt it right before my eyes, I wouldn't care. All I wanted was the pain to stop. All I wanted was relief. I wanted to be relaxed and at peace. To feel good within my body. I want to be healthy, above all.

 

It so obvious to me; healing is where it's really at. The deeper you heal the more aware you become. Realizations and understanding come naturally once you heal. I'd even go as far as to say that healing completely inevitably leads one to enlightenment. It should not be the other way around.

 

It's a projection ofcourse, and idea, but I think what the world really needs is healing. Not all this heavy and complex conceptualization. Be it in spiritual circles or elsewhere. It all comes down to healing. That's where the focus should be at. The res will follow naturally.

🙏❤️😌

[ivankiss]

@Mandy Thank you for reminding me 😄❤️

[ivankiss]

Great news is, that I've already accumulated enough money to fix all of my teeth and buy a brand new computer. But, going for both things at once would not be smart. My pockets would be pretty much empty. Even though I barely have any expenses now, I feel much safer having at least one full paycheck on my account, just in case anything goes wrong and I'm forced to leave my grandmother's place.

 

So yeah, I'm going to wait a bit longer for that computer, and with that, making music too. But I'm fixing my teeth, finally. And that's going to be huge. Been waiting for too long.

 

Making an appointment any day now.

Edited June 23, 2022 by ivankiss

[ivankiss]

I hate to be that guy (not really) but god, today's popular music sucks so much it's fascinating. Complete trash. With a rare exception or two, here and there. 

 

No soul, no heart, no substance, no depth, no uniqueness, no originality, nothing new, all copy paste. It's so bad it cannot even be called music, really. It's entertainment, at best. Not art.

 

It's not about true, authentic expression. It's about profit. 

 

I'm forced to listen to mainstream radio at work everyday, and sometimes it makes me wanna throw up, quite literally.

 

Thank God there's still quality, more underground and under the radar music. Blessings to all the artists who stay true.

[ivankiss]

Now this... this is an absolute masterpiece of an album. Heals my ears. Mind and heart.

I'm a surrogate
I'm archetypal and itinerant
I'm your excuse to long
For a superior
I will undertake
I will overcome

Imperfection you will find
Look close enough
Tear off the mask I need
This endeavor is not mine
You subject me to the daggers you conceive
I'm stronger than I was before
Thus you reinforce these walls
I can't fight you anymore
Threatened by the open door
All the chances I ignore
I can't stand still anymore

The day is done
Nothing left to say
Resting head in hands
Wishing I had known my place
To take a stand
The errand of a fool
I'm not to reprimand
I'm here to help you through

Is nothing like it seems?
Living in this sequence, a dream
Is nothing like it seems?
Gather broken shards of self esteem

[ivankiss]

Another great example. So good, so real, so deep, so touching, so smart and clever. Pure art.

God I love music.

[Mandy]

3 hours ago, ivankiss said:

Making an appointment any day now.

👏😁

[ivankiss]

Feeling a bit tired... My body feels quite heavy. I'm going to skip the gym today. Been going every other day for a while now, this will be the first two days in a row break since I started. Maybe my muscles need a bit more time to recover. Still doing full body workouts, might start a split routine soon.

 

I also might be tired because of smoking tobacco. It's not too surprising. And on top of that, this heat is also very draining. It's freaking 38c today. All I wanna do is hide and chill in the shade or under the AC.

 

Been thinking a bit about trading, and I think rather than switching to lower time frames and trading more frequently, I should actually go for the weakly time frame. One bigger trade per week. That could work out very good. Aiming for anywhere from 300 to 500 pips.

 

Will give it a shot next week.

[ivankiss]

Slept like a baby last night. Waking up without an alarm is so much better. I felt awake and activated instantly. Did not need an hour to get my system running, as I usually do.

 

Maybe I need another hour or so of sleep every night. I've been sleeping for 7, sometimes 7 and a half hours a night for a while now. Looks like I should be aiming for 8 or even 9 hours. Will give it a shot.

 

It's my day off now. Not sure how I'm going to spend it just yet. Might go for a swim or something.

 

Feeling great.

[ivankiss]

This piece brings tears to my eyes nearly every time I listen to it... it's just too beautiful.

Lots of emotions and memories tied to this album. I discovered it a few years ago, around the time when I was moving to Portugal. It was like a soundtrack for a new beginning.

 

Needless to say, it makes me think of her, again. God, I truly loved her so very much, didn't I? I really meant it... I was ready to spend the rest of my life with her. It feels like the biggest betrayal there is. To be stabbed in the back by the one you'd give everything for.

 

Sometimes it feels like I'll never be able to love another again. I know it's not true, but it seems so. This relationship was the most devastating thing I ever survived. I only hope it makes me a better man.

[ivankiss]

Yup. Slept a bit over 8 hours again, woke up much easier and faster. More energized. Even though I crushed it yesterday at the gym. 

[ivankiss]

Sex is on my mind a lot, again. It's been three weeks or so now since I had sex. Might take another trip next week and hook up. Only problem is, it passes too fast and it does not satisfy my thirst really. I'd love to have sex consistently, at least every few days, if not every day.

 

It sucks, because I don't have my own place now and cannot bring over girls. My hands are kinda tied while I'm staying at my grandmother's. It would also distract and slow me down a lot in this phase.

 

I feel like I'll be ready for a new relationship very soon. Not just something casual. And that's great. I've been single for a solid year and a half now. Most of the healing I've done on my own, but I am aware that some more is going to take place within that new relationship, when the time comes.

 

Man, this transformation is pretty hardcore. I wanted it to be very fast, thus it must be equally as intense. I gave up on freaking everything that was fun. No weed, no drinking, no going out, no hanging out, no sex, no girlfriend, no friends. Nothing. 

 

Healing. Work. Gym. Trading. That's my whole life right now. It's like I joined the army lol.

 

Can't wait to at least start making music again. It will be a huge shift. I will unlock a major aspect of my being. That creative spark. It will add a lot to my presence. How I feel and how I carry myself.

[ivankiss]

I want sex, God! More frequently! Do your magic, make it happen, somewhere, somehow. Haha!

 

Thanks!