Single, in my late twenties and frustrated. How to cope?

[Reena]

If you're single how do you cope with  not getting love and romance from the opposite sex? Personally I'm struggling and coping with sexual frustration with imaginary characters etc. It's a bit embarrassing all the weird gymnastics I do to feel satisfied in some way and relieve that frustration a bit. It's not just sexual frustration. There's emotional frustration as well as this side of my life feels empty pretty much. I want to have that person with whom I can experience union and harmony both sexually, mentally and emotionally. Every Valentine's day is a sad day each year. Just sitting with a tub of ice cream on that day. Being alone feels like a punishment. And I'm rejection sensitive as per my psychiatrist. 

I want to be married. And if not married, then I want to be in a non toxic satisfying affectionate long term relationship that is fulfilling. It's hard living like this. 

What are some suggestions and practical strategies to cope living single? 

How do you do it yourselves? 

Please don't mention impractical theoretical illogical kind of suggestions. I'm a logical person. 

Thanks.. 

Edited October 20, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

Meanwhile I'm thinking of my own strategies - 

One way it to maintain humility. Be grateful no matter what. Don't have too many expectations. Cultivate the following in the meantime, 

-goals 

- ideals 

- beliefs 

- Skills 

- learn about the opposite sex

- values 

- become a better person to attract better people. 

 

 

[Reena]

I think for me heart attraction matters a lot. I want someone to love me for who I am. 

Encouraging message to myself - don't be disheartened if your love life doesn't work out. Life is still worth living. 

 

 

How does a relationship satisfy a person? 

- satisfaction of emotional needs and sexual needs 

- mutual growing or growing together 

- caring for each other 

- sharing problems and pain. Comfort 

- transparency. vulnerability and opening up of deeper self. Not being sneaky. 

- a sense of belongingness, a sense of worth. Attachment. 

- being yourself and being appreciated for that. Positive validation. 

- reciprocation from your partner. 

 

 

Edited October 20, 2023 by Reena

[Blessed2]

Meditation and the dreamboard.

 

What comes to mind is also classic spiritual devotion. Volunteering / taking part in a nearby community, like an ashram, church or community service. Basically, shifting focus from the separate self (me, me, me) to what you can give to others or God.

 

IMO he is a great example of devotion. Might bring some inspiration: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neem_Karoli_Baba

 

If interested in his teachings / the aspect of devotion, there's a great book called Miracle of Love by Ram Dass which is basically a collection of stories about Neem Karoli Baba. There's something about how that guy presented himself that opens the mind to new ideas.

 

This is the advice I'd give to myself.

[Reena]

This explains a lot of my abnormal romantic behaviour. I attach to men powerfully because of this. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

- satisfaction of emotional needs and sexual needs 

- mutual growing or growing together 

- caring for each other 

- sharing problems and pain. Comfort 

- transparency. vulnerability and opening up of deeper self. Not being sneaky. 

- a sense of belongingness, a sense of worth. Attachment. 

- being yourself and being appreciated for that. Positive validation. 

- reciprocation from your partner. 

 

 

 

(they never actually commit) 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 20, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

Points to remember from this video - 

 

 

 

[Reena]

2 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

Meditation and the dreamboard.

 

What comes to mind is also classic spiritual devotion. Volunteering / taking part in a nearby community, like an ashram, church or community service. Basically, shifting focus from the separate self (me, me, me) to what you can give to others or God.

 

IMO he is a great example of devotion. Might bring some inspiration: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neem_Karoli_Baba

 

If interested in his teachings / the aspect of devotion, there's a great book called Miracle of Love by Ram Dass which is basically a collection of stories about Neem Karoli Baba. There's something about how that guy presented himself that opens the mind to new ideas.

 

This is the advice I'd give to myself.

I think I'll need a bit more than this. But thank you. 

 

[Mandy]

@Reena She has some great videos on limerence, it's a powerful thing to recognize. It's not about getting rid of the feelings, making them bad or inappropriate, but recognizing and channeling them creatively. I would suggest that when you write, create a character that isn't you, step outside the story as an author writing a novel would. Then you are no longer practicing the thoughts that "this isn't real for me", because there is no "for me" in the story. Channeling it creatively might look like writing romance novels or short stories or something entirely different... writing songs, or painting, etc. There's a strong link between creativity and feeling romantically or sexually unfulfilled. If you're constantly thinking about romance and relationships, turning the focus to your own career, work, or projects can be really helpful. In turn that's attractive to both men and women alike, the flow "state" is a work related thing, a creative thing and also the same for relationships, attraction and sex. The good news is you don't need the right person or the circumstance of another person to focus on to be your excuse to practice it. 

[Reena]

13 minutes ago, Mandy said:

@Reena She has some great videos on limerence, it's a powerful thing to recognize. It's not about getting rid of the feelings, making them bad or inappropriate, but recognizing and channeling them creatively. I would suggest that when you write, create a character that isn't you, step outside the story as an author writing a novel would. Then you are no longer practicing the thoughts that "this isn't real for me", because there is no "for me" in the story. Channeling it creatively might look like writing romance novels or short stories or something entirely different... writing songs, or painting, etc. There's a strong link between creativity and feeling romantically or sexually unfulfilled. If you're constantly thinking about romance and relationships, turning the focus to your own career, work, or projects can be really helpful. In turn that's attractive to both men and women alike, the flow "state" is a work related thing, a creative thing and also the same for relationships, attraction and sex. The good news is you don't need the right person or the circumstance of another person to focus on to be your excuse to practice it. 

That sounds like a great idea! 

[Phil]

I would implement these methods.

 

This non-aversion, dispelling beliefs & uncovering direct experience, reality as it is, the truth.

 

If the contingency of ‘so I get this’ is held, these methods are undermined. If the contingency of ‘so I get what I want’ is released, these methods can not fail as it pertains to receiving what you’re wanting. Embrace paradox. 

 

The nondual universe is intelligent and alive, already knows exactly what you want, and is and always has been giving it to you by being it. The wishlist has already been mailed. Santa has already received it. It is already Christmas. 

 

This is a getting out of your own way. A letting go of thinking which doesn’t resonate and hasn’t worked, and an allowing of communion and change.

 

These are not ways of coping with beliefs that don’t resonate along the lines of  shortage, lack or any manor of incompleteness & dissatisfaction, this is non-aversion. This is, as you alluded to, no-more-sneakiness.

 

 

“There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.”

- Buddha

[Reena]

3 minutes ago, Phil said:

These are not ways of coping with beliefs that don’t resonate along the lines of  shortage, lack or any manor of incompleteness & dissatisfaction, this is non-aversion.

Can you please explain this statement once again? I'm confused. In simple words. 

 

[Phil]

@Reena

Absolutely. 🤍

 

Cope: 

To deal with and attempt to overcome problems and difficulties.

To maintain a contest or combat usually on even terms or with success. 

 

The methods suggested are not coping methods. 

Rather, the aim is to dispel beliefs held and therein discordant thinking, and therein suffering.

And therein is the truth.  

 

Self-soothing, self-love, self-empathy, self-compassion, self-empowerment; yes. 

 

I would start with diet, then exercise, then daily morning meditation (maybe a month out). 

[Jonas Long]

You probably don't want to hear this, but socializing more in general will go a long way.  If you do end up with a partner and you have no other friends you put a ton of pressure on that one person to be everything.  Not only that but the practice and momentum of talking to people will lead you to more opportunities for relationships, practically as well as energetically.  

[Reborn]

Believe it or not, the solution is out there and within your grasp, it's pretty simple actually, but you probably won't do it because it'll be too painfull for you. The solution is literaly to get a life. Here are 4 basic things you need to do in order to do that (but not limited to those 4) 

 

- Get rid of all the forum accounts, in fact, eliminate all online activity in general except the absolute neccesities. No more videos, no more bullshit, no more online copes. You are using these as a cope for your loneliness, your mental illness and probably your past traumas. You need to get comfortable with being lonely and not stimulated

 

- You need to get some form of job - try part time if you're attending uni, or any form really

 

- You need to focus on getting therapy and psychiatric help, I know you've tried these before but you need to start vising them on the regular basis, even if you personally think these people do not help you or do not understand you, they in fact would help you and do understand you

 

- Slowly start building your social life, being around people. And I mean real people, not the bullshit online people or imaginary people. Get some real hobbies outside the internet, ideally outside of your house. Get some real relationship experience with real men, and don't be too picky

 

These are some real things that would actually help you. Whether you'll do them is questionable at this point though

[Reena]

@Reborn if a person is trying to cope, let them cope. 

[Reena]

40 minutes ago, Reborn said:

Believe it or not, the solution is out there and within your grasp, it's pretty simple actually, but you probably won't do it because it'll be too painfull for you. The solution is literaly to get a life. Here are 4 basic things you need to do in order to do that (but not limited to those 4) 

 

So you already assume that it's too painful for me? Okay!!!! 

Get a life - that's a nice way to put it. 

I must say to you - get an empathy!! 

 

40 minutes ago, Reborn said:

 

- Get rid of all the forum accounts, in fact, eliminate all online activity in general except the absolute neccesities.

 

What the hell is all forum accounts? Do I know you? 

I have this account on this forum. Does that bother you too much? I feel at this point you're trolling me. 

40 minutes ago, Reborn said:

 

No more videos, no more bullshit, no more online copes. You are using these as a cope for your loneliness, your mental illness and probably your past traumas. You need to get comfortable with being lonely and not stimulated

 

It seems like you know too much about me. Maybe you should stop reading people's lives online. 

40 minutes ago, Reborn said:

 

- You need to get some form of job - try part time if you're attending uni, or any form really

 

That's solely my business. If I want work, I can get work. The question was related to romance, not job. 

 

40 minutes ago, Reborn said:

 

- You need to focus on getting therapy and psychiatric help, I know you've tried these before but you need to start vising them on the regular basis, even if you personally think these people do not help you or do not understand you, they in fact would help you and do understand you. 

 

Hello??? Where have you read that I said therapy doesn't help or you simply decided to assume it? 

Therapy is difficult for people who are below certain income. 

40 minutes ago, Reborn said:

 

- Slowly start building your social life, being around people. And I mean real people, not the bullshit online people or imaginary people. 

 

People are on tinder all the time. Are they all wrong? 

Most people around me connect online. Why should I be different? People around me use apps to date. We aren't living in 1940s.

 

 

40 minutes ago, Reborn said:

 

Get some real hobbies outside the internet, ideally outside of your house. Get some real relationship experience with real men, and don't be too picky

 

And... For your kind information, I already had my own share of real relationships with real men. They didn't work out. And no. I wasn't picky. I'm the most liberal person you'll ever come across. 

40 minutes ago, Reborn said:

 

These are some real things that would actually help you. Whether you'll do them is questionable at this point though

Advice for you though - stop advising others if you have to appear condescending. Just to please your own ego 

Thanks but no thanks. 

 

Lastly, from the nature of your post, you don't have a single clue about life or people. 

 

 

Edited November 8, 2023 by Reena

[almond]

3 hours ago, Reborn said:

- Get rid of all the forum accounts, in fact, eliminate all online activity in general except the absolute neccesities. No more videos, no more bullshit, no more online copes. You are using these as a cope for your loneliness, your mental illness and probably your past traumas. You need to get comfortable with being lonely and not stimulated

 

That's not very inclusive of you to say so.

 

3 hours ago, Reborn said:

- Slowly start building your social life, being around people. And I mean real people, not the bullshit online people or imaginary people. Get some real hobbies outside the internet, ideally outside of your house.

 

As for 'real people' it would be useful to know that behind the screen are people. Hobbies can be found anywhere, some people are tech-savvy for it. 

 

3 hours ago, Reborn said:

These are some real things that would actually help you. Whether you'll do them is questionable at this point though

 

your definition of 'real' varies. 

Edited November 8, 2023 by almond

[Reborn]

@Reena Also, as a fifth and final point, which I've almost forgotten about; it's always usefull to remember that, at the end of the day, we choose to live the lives we are living. Life puts various challenges and obstacles ahead of us, but it's up to us to mold our life into what we want. Victim mentality is harmfull and destructive

 

That is all. You've been advised. You can lie to yourself and others, cope however you want, but you know deep down the solutions are rather simple, you just want to stay the same and not change. That's fine. I'm not the one living your life.

[Reena]

13 minutes ago, Reborn said:

@Reena Also, as a fifth and final point, which I've almost forgotten about; it's always usefull to remember that, at the end of the day, we choose to live the lives we are living. Life puts various challenges and obstacles ahead of us, but it's up to us to mold our life into what we want. Victim mentality is harmfull and destructive

 

That is all. You've been advised. You can lie to yourself and others, cope however you want, but you know deep down the solutions are rather simple, you just want to stay the same and not change. That's fine. I'm not the one living your life.

You may keep your assumptions to yourself. They are of no benefit to anyone.