Orb Posted September 11, 2023 Author Share Posted September 11, 2023 Stuffs been interesting. Let go of porn and masturbation for a few days (8 I believe), it was nice, felt more energy and ambition in the morning to get a workout in, also felt increased desire for women which lead to being more easily attracted to whatever women were around me. Doing daily exercise, it feels great, keeps the body strong. A couple days ago I was in my Office Depot job working at the register near the end of the shift, felt "Home" the goodness I am. The empty clarity of Self was unveiled. My customers, my boss, my coworkers, all disappeared. It was overwhelming at first, then became awesome and just pure compassion. What remains: -Self Judgement What heals: -Self Love (Letting go of thought, Journaling, Keeping Vibration nice and Steady) What a paradox, in order for the self illusion to fall away I will love it completely, how amazing. With the observer illusion gone life is pure magic all the time, Awareness is far more alive than initially thought. Awareness isn't some bland transparent background of experience, Awareness is Sensation. So much rage coming up in the last few days, like punching furiously into the air type of rage. Then self stories coming up and then so much energy being released. Things are so Okay, more than initially believed. This is amazing. The lessons have been integrated, Source is good, god is good. With daily meditation in the morning, switching to green tea, working out daily, Vibration has calmed down, life is calmer, working out smoothly. Its like the car crash, the poorness, the emotional struggle, was Source breaking itself down to the point of insanity just for the joy of going into the depths of the illusion of being a separate self, just to see how far the self hate can go, just to explore that, clearly it doesn't work lol. And now it's like Source has had its fun exploring that dream/illusion, and now everything is integrated, the lessons are being learned, the job opportunity is sure to come at any moment. What a rollercoaster. Source is learning how this body works, learning what is aligned and discordant. When im by myself the spiderwebbing begins, it doesn't reach an intense peak like it used to, rather it just begins a little bit and the discord is felt and then it vanishes just by being around people or not focusing on the thoughts. Experience is empty of many illusions now. The only illusion left is the fundamental illusion of separation, the separation illusion is not an entity, rather it's generated by a certain pattern of thoughts. In this experience it tends to be in the form of Self Judgmental thoughts, Self Sabotaging thoughts. In the same way that your mom calls your name and society calls you by your name, the "outside" creates you (the inside): the thoughts about the separate self are the outside creating inside, doesn't matter if its positive or negative. Although more aligned thoughts are preferable. So really the key is to clearly see that this has never been about "me" or anyone. Key Takeaways: -This isn't about anyone or any self at all. -It's about time the separate self is let go of completely. no more narratives of the seeker. Time to put that to rest. -Part of putting it to rest is to let go of the Self Judgement. Quote Mention "Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless." - A Comment on the 8th Ox Herding Picture Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted September 19, 2023 Author Share Posted September 19, 2023 Yesterday I freaked out. Today I'm feeling much much better. Started waking up at 4:30am to go to the gym and it's totally worth it, I can work out longer and harder and still have time to eat a nice breakfast and get ready for work. I'm gonna begin submitting more applications today and following up with people. Quote Mention "Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless." - A Comment on the 8th Ox Herding Picture Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted September 19, 2023 Author Share Posted September 19, 2023 Thanks to my mom she found me a possible job opportunity as a pest control technician 😀. The pay would be a god send and my boss would be a friend of my moms. It also involves sales which will be even more training. Quote Mention "Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless." - A Comment on the 8th Ox Herding Picture Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted October 23, 2023 Author Share Posted October 23, 2023 I haven't journaled on here in a while. Today's a shitty day. I dont know what it is, this is nothing, infinite love, reality, nature, idk. I want the substances!!!! 😭😭 I tried to buy some today but I didnt have enough money, im heartbroken, this sucks, I hate this I fucking hate it! Waves of some tears and then they stop abruptly. I feel alone, I can't love myself, nothing I try to do "sticks", it's always a fad, always a quick trend and then it's thrown away. Self love becomes an obsession for a week then its forgotten. Life feels like a blade slowly cutting through my skin, it's cold yet the cut burns and it's gritty, disgusting. Ive masturbated so much today that my genitals are burning, irritated, painful. I watched so much porn my brain feels fried. Im impulsive, I want more I want more. Just raw pleasure that's all I live for. What else am I gonna do? Ive been meditating everyday for at least 20 minutes in the morning and it hasn't done anything at all. It's just day dreaming except my breathing is deeper and my posture is good. It makes a lot of money to sell this, I can sell Meditation to people, you basically sit down and allow thoughts to come up and you just keep breathing and the thoughts come and go, except...THATS ALWAYS THE CASE EITHER WAY! Youre basically doing nothing, except with good posture and slower breathing. I must be doing this wrong, or im being lied to or mislead, or im the one who's misleading or IDK. Ive been abused since I was a kid, I feel like im the wrong one all the time, I can't put my foot down. I got my ass beat, I was told I was a loser/failure, I was sexually abused. My heart is pounding, I feel like doing some impulsive shit, something Ill regret, which is why im typing here instead. Everythings gonna be okay, everything's gonna be okay. I just gotta keep typing here until this feeling goes away. I dont want to stop making this about Me, I dont want to!!! It's my ultimate addiction, I thought about the reality im facing about letting go of myself and I started crying while I was driving. Oh what the fuck, I can't stand this! Im the ultimate drug, the ultimate "trip". I feel better just acknowledging that, all is okay with the world!!! Oh what a relief!!!!! IM the drug, the elephant. The other drugs are used to numb the side effects of the self referential drug, ME!!!! Oh god I can't quit this fucking thing, its so strong!!! GOD TAKE THIS AWAY! I can't quit this goddamn drug, this is some good shit!! ONLY YOU CAN TAKE THIS AWAY, DETOX ME FROM THIS DRUG, the ME DRUG. Quote Mention "Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless." - A Comment on the 8th Ox Herding Picture Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted October 23, 2023 Author Share Posted October 23, 2023 FUCK Quote Mention "Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless." - A Comment on the 8th Ox Herding Picture Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted October 23, 2023 Author Share Posted October 23, 2023 (edited) Ah fuck im all energetic off this double espresso and CBD goddamn, GOD IS GOOD!!!! Edited October 23, 2023 by Orb Quote Mention "Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless." - A Comment on the 8th Ox Herding Picture Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted October 23, 2023 Author Share Posted October 23, 2023 Oh God im not thoughts! Hell yeah. Quote Mention "Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless." - A Comment on the 8th Ox Herding Picture Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted October 23, 2023 Author Share Posted October 23, 2023 Im the Light bulb! The lampshade is thought, I thought I was the lampshade but im the lightbulb. Quote Mention "Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless." - A Comment on the 8th Ox Herding Picture Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted October 23, 2023 Author Share Posted October 23, 2023 (edited) Ah you sneaky little thief trying to claim THIS, begone! ⚔️♾️ lol Edited October 23, 2023 by Orb Quote Mention "Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless." - A Comment on the 8th Ox Herding Picture Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted October 23, 2023 Author Share Posted October 23, 2023 Quote Mention "Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless." - A Comment on the 8th Ox Herding Picture Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted October 23, 2023 Author Share Posted October 23, 2023 There is tiredness 😪. That caffeine experience was great. I am not thoughts, I am not experience. Quote Mention "Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless." - A Comment on the 8th Ox Herding Picture Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted October 24, 2023 Author Share Posted October 24, 2023 I am not thought. I am not finite. Oh yeah, bliss is my natural state. The absence of suffering, the excitement of life. Coffee, tea, exercise, reading, working, playing. Last night prayer happened, and good feeling thoughts radiated outward and shot out towards all beings. Just pure expansion and bliss. This morning went for a walk in a park in a nice neighborhood. Blissfulness appearing as trees and creators ☺️. Prayed outward once again this morning and felt the Love radiating outward. A few mins later I was stopped by an old man and we ended up chatting for nearly an hour. He gave me words of encouragement, I felt goosebumps as I was telling myself how awesome I am in the form of the old man. He told me how when he was my age he started a fencing business and eventually it grew to the point where he had 3 businesses. He was from up north too! I AM. ♾️ Quote Mention "Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless." - A Comment on the 8th Ox Herding Picture Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted October 24, 2023 Author Share Posted October 24, 2023 Green tea is super appreciated right now! Quote Mention "Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless." - A Comment on the 8th Ox Herding Picture Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted October 25, 2023 Author Share Posted October 25, 2023 Aversion arose, instead stayed "in touch" with breathing and feeling. God this is so good 🙂. Quote Mention "Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless." - A Comment on the 8th Ox Herding Picture Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted October 25, 2023 Author Share Posted October 25, 2023 The momentum continues. This morning things cleared up and left. More meditation each morning. Less aversion, more feeling. Unhelpful habits are losing their pull, there's more feeling. Quote Mention "Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless." - A Comment on the 8th Ox Herding Picture Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted October 26, 2023 Author Share Posted October 26, 2023 (edited) The aversion is more clearly seen and things have become simpler, much simpler. There is aversion and the absence of aversion, which is Being. All is well. Thoughts do not make me, I am not thought, I am not the separate self implied by thought. I AM. Today I was shocked to see that the common "pulls" towards porn and overeating diminished greatly, like poof, gone. No battle, no striving, nothing, just gone. Then decided since its a free day to take this CBN tincture that also had delta 8 THC lol, I was like fuck it ill have that and green tea and continue cleaning around the house. With daily meditation, and the "uncovering" of the unconditional, there's just joy/peace for no reason. It's quite baffling how much falls away with no effort, when the majority of people are preaching mountains of work and accomplishing stuff in order to seemingly arrive at this peace. The delta 8 experience only highlighted even more what is wanted. Old habits/preferences aren't as pleasurable as they once seemed, in hindsight it's because the habits felt better relative to the stubborn believing of thoughts and holding back the Love/Feeling. Within these 6 days of meditation daily, there's a preference for "less" when it comes to coffee/tea or any enjoyable substance like a beer or something. The fulfillment of being is beyond words, and so fulfilling that there's a preference for satisfaction compared to just getting high or feeling raw pleasure. Like coffee/tea now is more enjoyable at lower amounts, which is why green tea is far more preferable now! The delta 8 experience highlighted that whats wanted is more raw feeling, nothing numbed, like lets feel everything! All the emotions that arise whether it's anger or optimism! Also, exercise is far more preferable and also cumulative, meaning it gets better and better and better. Also unfettered energy and more mental wakefulness. Delta 8 has a tendency to induce a kind of sluggishness, this is absolutely GREAT relative to the holding of discordant thoughts, but if unfettered, it is actually unnecessary, and the sluggishness sets up a bit of momentum into aversion which unfolded today actually in the form of watching porn a few times. For the 1st half of the day, the pull towards porn/overeating was completely diminished, like no joke, had to think twice when the thought of watching porn came up. Usually it's like early in the morning if im home alone I turn on my phone and watch porn, but this time it was like ehh im not actually in the mood for it. The desire was gone completely. Then wanted to take a little delta 8 thc (very small amount, literally 5mg which is half of whats considered a low dose) as it was remembered to be a delightful experience, but this time the unfettering has revealed it it only slows down but there isn't relief from thought identification because there is none lol, so its just slowness and then in that slowness aversion began to creep up. Meditated again later today and stuff settled down, there is a little aversion, but its okay because I am not the thoughts arising, and as long as there is attention on sensation My true nature is unfettered more and more and more! Edited October 26, 2023 by Orb Quote Mention "Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless." - A Comment on the 8th Ox Herding Picture Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted October 26, 2023 Author Share Posted October 26, 2023 Took some L-Theanine, allowing another mediation session before bed. It's okay, the momentum of awesomeness continues and now what is wanted is clearer. Meditation is the BEST! Also, it's been greatly improving restfulness! Normally I drink about 2 espressos (im starting to drink tea now) in the day and sleep is iffy, but with meditation the restfulness has improved, now sleep is fuller. Quote Mention "Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless." - A Comment on the 8th Ox Herding Picture Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted October 26, 2023 Author Share Posted October 26, 2023 ☺️ Quote Mention "Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless." - A Comment on the 8th Ox Herding Picture Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted October 26, 2023 Author Share Posted October 26, 2023 Being is just so........ ☺️☺️♾️ Quote Mention "Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless." - A Comment on the 8th Ox Herding Picture Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted October 26, 2023 Author Share Posted October 26, 2023 Got on a call with a banker to help with my bank account, so many goosebumps, so much guidance, so much great customer service 🙂 Quote Mention "Mediocrity is gone. Mind is clear of limitation. I seek no state of enlightenment. Neither do I remain where no enlightenment exists. Since I linger in neither condition, eyes cannot see me. If hundreds of birds strew my path with flowers, such praise would be meaningless." - A Comment on the 8th Ox Herding Picture Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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