grace

Truly so exciting how each day as i meditate, i get closer to god. How i'm going deeper and deeper into a well of love, falling into a feeling of peace. How it just keeps on growing. How i just trust more and more. See new things. Gain new insights. And it just keeps on evolving!! Just surrendering. What the fuck.

It can seem like there is so much to do and so many things to "fix". There are so many techniques and different methods. To do them all would be impossible. But in reality there is so much less for us to do. We don't have to have long morning routines of meditation and exercise and breathwork and tapping and reading and prayer or whatever have you. That is so much work. We don't have to do all that. There is really only one thing we need to do, which is listening to wisdom. We all have access to infinite wisdom which is far greater than our personal mind, our tiny little pea brain with it's tiny little intellect. Wisdom is a gentle feeling, we could call it intuition or common sense. We can hear it best when our personal minds are quiet and we're not so lost in our thinking. One way to strengthen our access to wisdom is to listen to others sharing from that space. I recommend listening to Sydney Banks and three principles practitioners such as Dicken Bettinger, Bill Pettit, Mavis Karn, Lily Sais, Michael Neil, whoever speaks to you and brings you closer to peace.

Do you still use it? How do you use it? Do you think it's more of a placebo or do you think it's something about the substance?

Why do you bring up hate and blame here? What's the connection? Thank you for the thought out response, i appreciate it. I have to read it a few times to get a grasp if what's being said here 😂

Thank you for the response 🙏 It's about moments when i feel like i'm stuck without an escape with no control of the situation. I'll be on public transportation and have the thought "i need to get out right now" but can't because i'm not in charge of the bus or train or whatever and that's when i start to panic. Or actually i start to panic already before that, as i'm getting on the bus and have the thought "i might panic while on this bus and won't be able to get out, won't be able to handle it".

Interesting, why do you think that is?

I do go out all the time. I work, do theatre, travel. But the panic attacks stay.

More like nervousness is similar to excitement. Panic is something else.

What are panic attacks about? How do you heal? I've had panic attacks for something like thirteen years. I have tried accepting them for something like six years. I feel like i have tried everything, but i still get lost in panic, i still fear panic. I've tried the floating method, yoga, meditation, acceptance, feeling the fear and doing it anyway etc etc etc. I'm left with a desperate feeling. How do i accept??? How do i feel my feelings?? Because clearly i'm not doing it right. I've been severely agoraphobic at times. I'm so tired of being afraid all the time. I sometimes feel so hopeless because i just want to feel safe and be able to live my life but i'm so afraid of everything.

Everything feels unclear and foggy. I'm having a hard time recognizing what i want and what i should do. I want to write but i hate the capitalist competitive publishing scene. I've had small glimpses into that world and it makes me want to puke. How it's important that you have a lot of followers instead of actually being a good writer. How it's about making yourself known and meeting the right people. IT'S SO GROSS. THAT'S NOT WHAT ART IS ABOUT. I want to do theatre but i hate how elitist the schools are. I hate how the theatre world is similarly corrupt and fucked up as the publishing world. I hate how some actors just care about getting famous. Theatre should not be elitist?? It should be about sharing and connecting and the joy of humanity. I have a well paying job but it's not where i belong. I don't want to spend my days getting all caught up and having my brain buzzing with work things. I am so tired every day after work i have no energy to do anything else. I want to surround myself with art!!!! I want to spend my days writing!! I want to do theatre together with people who also love art!!! I feel alienated around the people at work who feel they are doing their dream job. Who want to make money to buy nice clothes and a nice house for their family. There isn't anything wrong with that but my soul is screaming THERE IS MORE. THERE IS MORE TO LIFE.

Last night i experienced some kind of dreams while meditating. Even though i was awake i had short snapshot dreams. They were short flashes of people and families from around the world. They felt like things that could have been happening at that exact moment. Very strange and my first time experiencing something like that.

Meditation is really about connecting to god. It's holy. My goal is not to get rid of thoughts or empty the mind. I'm meditating to connect with god. I can't fail at meditating. It's not something to achieve. I'm just surrendering to god.

Have been practicing making space for fear. Sometimes it's very hard. Sometimes I say to the thought or feeling "you are allowed to be here" and welcome it, and then the feeling dissolves as a part of the present moment. It's quite remarkable. Especially since I have been running away from those thoughts and feelings most of my life. I have tried to "accept" panic before. But I only tried to accept it so that it would go away. Which is not truly accepting it. Now I have been saying "you can stay as long as you'd like". And awareness has enveloped the feeling in a warm embrace. It's really quite magical. I feel relieved. I feel like this is the key to stop fighting all the time. The battle has been exhausting. I have heard "just step off the battle field" so many times, but I was always desperately screaming HOW??? How do I do that????? I don't understand???? But it's so simple. The truth is always simple.

I'm so tired of being afraid. I have had so much fear in my life. I have been afraid of countless of things. I have rules in my head that don't make sense. I am afraid of things that are laughable. I have been afraid for so long. I am tired of it. So so tired. By trying to feel safe I have just ended up being more afraid. I have had more panic attacks than I can count. First panic attack I had around maybe seven years old. Feels like I have always been afraid. I know it's not true. I have had existential terror since I was a child. These fears have caused depersonalization. I first experienced depersonalization around nine years old. I didn't have the language to explain what I was experiencing, I thought it was something that had only ever happened to me, that I was always a thought away from falling into a void of terrifying nothingness. That something was horribly wrong with me. I used to be afraid of eating in a restaurant, of taking a shower, of going to bed. I tried to drown out the existential thoughts by filling my head by scrolling or doing anything really. I have been severely agoraphobic. Terrified of just walking out the door. Still am somewhat. And because of that, everything feels like a bit of a battle. A normal work day feels like a battle field, always one thought away from a panic attack. Will I make it home or will I disintegrate on the way? I am so tired of carrying all of this for years. I don't want to anymore. I just want to rest. I want to rest in the now. I want god to carry me. I can't do it myself.

But isn't it kind of different when you're in a relationship? Many women expect men to pay for things for them. I pay for things for him because I have more money.