Proserpina

@Reena Thank you for the advice Reena ❤. I have a lot of trouble with talking with schizoaffective, that's why I'm not very active on the forums. I'm practically mute in real life. That's why I turn to journalling and writing. It's much easier for me and very good for my mental health. Consistently feeling better is tricky because I have PMDD and a mood disorder and I chase after "positive psychosis" and highs (so I didn't take my medication in the past). So I'm constantly confronted every month with a bad energy. Medication and yaz and disappearing seems to be the only solutions I've found so far in terms of keeping my relationships alive and the bad energy at bay. My Zodiac sign is Aries.

@Alexander Normal is cool 90% of the time. Peak state or positive psychosis or 'mania' is the result of alignment according to abraham hicks. And I have to agree. It's the result of being "normal", taking medication, or consistent alignment. Going off of medication makes you more sensitive to your state of alignment and increases momentum, resulting in positive psychosis. But you have to be in the vicinity first, with the medication. Also psychoses evolve, grow, become less negative overtime, in my experience. Continuation. If that all makes sense. I take: Olazapine (antipsychotic) Abilify (antipsychotic) Topiramate (moodstabilizer)

❤

@Joseph Maynor You asked me to clarify. The archetype of the 'troublemaker' or 'devil' was active during my mystical experience, something to integrate. The being coming through your journals was an angelic loving force that opened my heart. I don't think I ever felt more loved in my entire life. Your journals are very special to me for that reason. They are like a holy scripture.

Lol "troublemakers". That reminds me of your journals back in the heyday. I resonated with that word strangely. Along with a whole bunch of other words. Like it reminded me and brought out in me a side in myself unexplored. I had fun exploring it.

Guys, please don't leave. I feel responsible. You are both great contributors. @Reborn I was trying to express the severity of the situation but I think I didn't express it properly. It's a very severe situation caused by YEARS and YEARS of stuff between my ex and myself and now it involves Reena. There's a lot of stuff that's confusing and painful. Severely so. It's stressful on her. Her behaviour is a reflection of that. I didn't mean to involve her. I don't understand why there is so much pain in this situation but there is and it's being reflected in our behaviour and our mental illness is compounding it. Calling her behaviour disgusting and egoic is not helping the situation. I don't know why the situation is so painful but it is. I think it was my undiagnosed and unmedicated schizoaffective affecting everyone for years and now it's coming back to bite me and everyone involved.

I feel a lot of sadness that my PMDD and unmedicated state in the past has affected my relationships and the way I relate with others. It's destroyed my relationships. It's not all my fault of course. Self blame is low on the emotional scale. But I've had "bad energy" due to trauma and lack of empathy from others building up causing a state of being that is not emotionally stable and agreeable. I've seen my potential, I've seen myself at my best, (medicated, non PMDD, peak state) and I can't help but be frustrated with myself for not knowing better. I should disappear during PMDD, but I don't and I should be medicated just as a diabetic should be (if need be), but I wasn't taking my medication. I aim for the peak state without aiming for the small satisfactions. I jump too high. Disappointed in myself and my immaturity.

I do think this is a part of the equation for ANY mental illness. Past (such as childhood) mistreatment and abuse. Lack of empathy. The medication is required to halt the momentum and cycle. It breaks the cycle. The cycle of lack of empathy from others (like my Dad) and then being in a state to cause a lack of empathy from others due to a lack of empathy from others. The medication artificially lifts you up and emotionally stabilizes you and increases your agreeableness.

@Reborn You don't understand the situation. You don't know what the situation is. I think perhaps you are discriminating a bit, considering her mental health. You know her mental health. You have to take that into account. But you haven't in your post. Instead you call her egoic and disgusting publicly. I think it's cruel and you should maybe apologize. I want this forum to be an inclusive place where people with a disability or condition can feel they can speak up and not feel stigmatised or silenced. I want this to be a welcoming forum unlike many other forums.

I'm excited and optimistic for what my future might hold. By my above calculations I've cracked the code for my future wellbeing (and it was pretty simple), I just need several months under my belt and I'll be good. Wellness (in order): 1. Peak state/"Positive psychosis" 2. Medicated, No PMDD plus been 6+ months 3. Medicated, PMDD plus been 6+ months 4. Medicated, No PMDD 5. Not medicated, No PMDD 6. Medicated, PMDD 7. Not medicated, PMDD 8. Negative psychosis

I'm glad we resolved our dispute. My relationship had ended long, long ago. I was just in denial. I hope we can be team players in the future. I never called you a bitch btw, I called myself a bitch. If it's any consolation to the situation, seeing into the situation personally, I think there was a lot of severe severe bad feelings on both sides and that contributed to Reena's posts. I don't think her posts were egoic or disgusting, considering the situation and having an inside view.

@Reena I'm sorry I caused you suffering. I apologize. Unless you didn't read it, here's what I wrote on the server: I think I just saw things in a screwed way because everything shifted so quickly. I was trying to make fit something that wasn't meant to fit. Everything just changed so quickly. My mind couldn't properly rap itself around it. So it filled in the blanks and saw things that weren't there. And then my PMDD became insistent and mean. But I don't always have PMDD, my mind clears and I can see clearly. Mostly the last few months I've been in psychosis so I haven't had time to think about it until recently. I just didn't understand so much..... my pmdd is a problem. I go into psychosis during PMDD. A type of psychosis. Normally I'm very calm during major negative psychosis but there's also minor PMDD psychosis. It's more like classic psychosis during minor PMDD psychosis. Delusions. Whereas major negative psychosis doesn't feel like delusions, but more like another reality. It's real. I couldn't process the end of my relationship. It just wasn't processing. I couldn't process a lot of things. I needed meds to process.

I do apologize. I thought apologising wouldn't mean much. But I tried to repair the situation the best I could. I'm sorry for the pain I put you through. I understand that it must of caused you suffering and I'm sorry for that. You don't deserve that.

Self correction: I'm outside PMDD now. I feel a lot of pain, regret and shame. I think I dealt with this month in a really imbalanced way. My thoughts have changed and I don't think the same things before. I don't think anyone cheated or did anything wrong (I think I was in mild psychosis). I think I was just in a lot of pain. All I can do is take my medication and hope for positive manifestations in the future like before when I was on my medication religiously for months and months.

Self correction: I'm outside PMDD now. I feel a lot of pain, regret and shame. I think I dealt with this month in a really imbalanced way. My thoughts have changed and I don't think the same things before. I don't think anyone cheated or did anything wrong (I think I was in mild psychosis). I think I was just in a lot of pain. All I can do is take my medication and hope for positive manifestations in the future like before when I was on my medication religiously for months and months.

Medication is the cause I think of most of the positives up to now. It's important for me to realize that. My psychiatrist says medication improves psychosis. And when I was in psychosis I saw an immediate difference to the colours (a tulpa I have). Medication improves psychosis radically. It makes it positive. Or it makes it disappear. It creates positive psychosis as well. If I get off the medication after being on it. It balances your third eye. Everything positive comes from medication 80-90% of the time. As long as you get off of it 10-20% of the time. Most of the negative comes from not being on medication enough. Although there is a continuation in growth, your new psychosis will start where your last psychosis left off of, generally. PMDD will still be an issue in the early months, until inner resources and inner direction is built up. Reasons for taking medication and yaz: Consistent alignment Synchronicities Entities Peak state/positive 'psychosis' Less negative energy Cure PMDD Improve relations with others Self esteem Emotional stability, higher big 5 Masculine integration (big 5) All I really care about is positive 'psychosis'/peak state........ but there's a lot of benefits along the way to peak state. And abraham hicks says the journey is supposed to be satisfying all along the way. Small satisfactions becoming large satisfactions.

"Medication is of course needed un mental illneses, I think that on the contrary, medication can turn You back to alignment when You are really Lost on depression, OCD, bipolar, or whatever, and then little by little You can leave the medication, I Say it because I have experienced it. I have noticed that Abraham does not know everything about these subjects because in another video when somebody asked him about OCD he said what is that? What are You talking about? He had no idea, and his answer to question was also not accurate." I'm not making any progress on my path without medication atm. Previously consistently taking medication (consistent alignment) resulted in peak state, entities and synchronicity. Then going off of it for a time resulted in further peak state, entities and synchronicity to the extreme. But you need it as a foundation. I'm manifesting very negatively without medication. I think medication is needed for some people, the same way medication is needed for someone with diabetes. And the consistency has to be months and months (6 + months) to see 'results' (peak state, entities, synchronicity)

As below, so above. My relationships with others reflects my relationship with the entities. I'm seriously contemplating going back on my medication (and then off of it again) to improve my interactions with the 'below', and therefore the above. I definitely need yaz (birth control). Extremes in mood = extremes in reality, 'psychosis', whatever. If I feel extremely positive consistently, it tends to break reality, same with extremely negative. A consistently positive or neutral mood also has an impact. Consistency seems to break reality. Synchronicity occurs. Alignment. Like the emotional guidance scale says, at the top is alignment and signs of alignment: synchronicity.

I don't talk about my psychosis much. Mostly because people won't understand. I watch TV and the witches (Sabrina) tell me they're going to shut down all my mortal connections. People tell me I'm going to give birth to Satan's child. And if I'm lucky it won't have claws that will claw at me for an eternity. If I'm good. I'm told I'm going to be "dinner" constantly. The food is inedible. The soup has human parts in it. The football tells me that I'm either winning or losing. And this all just keeps coming. All of this is Real, it's just that I've entered into an alternative, bizarre reality/dream. I'm AMAZED I'm not permanently batshit insane. Because I do work on myself. But there is the upsides. All the songs are directed to me. Every love song, every crush. It's like I have the attention of every famous person. I have everything my heart could desire. I understand if people have compassion fatigue but the amount of suffering I go through during psychosis is unreal. And any and all trauma add up in my PMDD (PMS) impacting my relationships and the way I relate with others. All that pain comes to the surface. And psychosis just keeps building up that pain. I'm not meant for relationships with humans. I'm meant for a relationship with entities or the divine. I'm drowning in pain and trauma from psychosis. I can't get my head up from below the water. I'm drowning in pain.

Sometimes dreams need to stay dreams. If you try to ground the dream, sometimes the dream will collapse as realism and reality takes hold. As reality fills in the blanks for what would otherwise be just a nice dream. You have to ground a dream very carefully. Dreams are like casting a spell on someone. You want to be careful not to break the spell. You want to ground the spell carefully. You can create (or rather 'allow in) dreams through following your highest excitement. Being at your best. Doing your best Narcissists understand dreams and spells. The "false" self they call it. It doesn't have to be demonized as such. It can be a pleasant dream and vision of the self if there is non attachment. Problem is, narcissists are attached. I understand. I've had the dream/spell break in two relationships. My first relationship of 6 years it broke slowly but when it broke, it BROKE. Same for my second relationship. My ex Dillon (first relationship) would complain of me manipulating him at the end. As if I had cast a spell on him. That was his tone. Realism and reality had set in on Max. The reality is I'm not very loveable (I'm autistic, disorganised, passive, schizoaffective) and the reality had set in. The dream had faded away.

True love

Madonna-whore complex. "Where such men love they have no desire and where they desire they cannot love." Sometimes I think I'm hated because I evoke desire, not love in some people. Or I'm attractive or beautiful on some level. The madonna-whore complex. God, I love freud. This dance and the gypsy is a good example of the madonna-whore complex: Let's be honest, he desired me but never loved me. I could feel it. The madonna-whore complex. And then as I got older, that wore off. Desire is only temporary, love is more permanent. I've learnt a valuable lesson in love. The difference between love and desire.

It's a dream. Notice the strange things in the dream. Some things don't add up. Reality checks Why would they talk about me? It doesn't add up. I'm no one. Unless I point it out. Then, of course, it adds up because of the blur and God wanting to put you back to sleep from lucidity. People like me enter dream like states. I'm no one special. One of the 'reality checks' is if I'm being given special treatment or attention.

Truth always rises. It catches up. It results in visions and impact on the spiritual level. She might not have the skills or ability to prove it. It proves itself. She's in a wasteland. And it's not some petty truth, like "I'm right, you're wrong" but her place and position in the larger whole. That all her efforts for goodness and love were not without impact. That she is loved. The truth is on her side

"They say beauty comes from a spirit that has weathered many hardships in life and somehow continues with resilience. Grace can be found in a soul who ages softly, even amid the tempest. I think the loveliest by far is the one whose gentle heart bears a hundred scars from caring, yet still finds a way to pick up the lamp, one more time, to light the way for love." -Susan Frybort