Proserpina

I was banned as well. Many of my visions have been tied to Actualized, it's fruitful ground for well, actualization, aswell as spirituality and journalling. I was kinda dependent on it. I feel like the divine cut me off for me to learn how to venture out on my own and pave my own path on my own. To learn how to stand up on my own two feet. Also there was some toxic elements there too. I learnt a lot about my individual path away from any influence from actualized.org. My visions have spread. Become more universal. Rather than centred at one place. I feel more connected universally, rather than with one singular place.

I find journalling here far more freeing. I don't feel that cloud of possible judgement over me when I journal here, like I have to watch what I write compared to Actualized. I can freely express. Integrate. Discern. That's important to me. Less people too. So I'm less anxious.

There are times when things really do feel like "everything is working out perfectly". There is this divine glow to the conversation. The conversation is lifted. To a divine place. Where you see the flow and everything is working out perfectly, It's in those rare moments you see people differently. Comes from love, I think. A love for the craft, for the conversation. Even in the midst of your ego and you creating conflict. Doing your best. Allowing. You can be a walking medium for the divine by way of love and doing your best and allowing.

@Phil Definately. This forum and you and Mandy are all very understanding and loving from my personal perspective. You give space. I feel safe to journal and explore my own personal perspective here. This is beautiful.

@Reena *hugs* Everyone sees the true nature and don't judge you. Everything is okay. You're a good person. They know you. They see the heart. People see through it to the heart especially when they see the context. Everything is okay. I've been there.

@Reena I find that there are people that have mental conditions and emotionality in their shadow. As "victimization" etc. If you hang around these people long enough they will drive you into deterioration. I hope you are okay.

@Joseph Maynor Leave Reena alone. Stop with the threats. I remember you began threatening me when I was in a vulnerable state during psychosis when we first met. It scarred me badly. I was deeply vulnerable. You threatened legal action against me when I did nothing wrong. You should practice empathy with the mentally ill. You don't have empathy for the mentally ill. You use things against me when I'm unwell.

@Joseph Maynor I understand. I just wanted to let our voice be heard. I'm not fighting. Voicing.

@Joseph Maynor "Victimization" and "playing the victim" seemed to be a theme our relationship, or specifically me. Or women in general, since it included people like Reena. And I heavily relate to Reena and her "Victimization" or rather her need for empathy. It seems like you have have an issue with understanding that women need to be heard and need empathy and have sometimes heavy emotionality.

@Joseph Maynor I'm going to stand up for Reena here. It's not okay. You treated us both poorly. You treated me poorly sooner throughout my stay on your forum and then later on with Reena, calling her Narcissistic and calling her out in what was supposed to be a thread in jest (phil is an asshole thread). You began systematically shaming her when she began venting to you and sincerely expressing her emotions and looking for empathy (as women tend to do) and then here you are publicy shaming her, like you did to me about things she personally she shared with you. It's just wrong. It's like you were shaming her for being a woman and having emotions and emotionality and looking for empathy, as women tend to do. You don't just call people narcissists off the cuff and think they won't get offended. Especially when they are in pain and looking for empathy from someone they thought cared for them. It makes feel like they are being tossed aside. Especially when they are kicked out of your community on top of it. Public humiliation, abuse of power and lack of empathy is not a good combination for a friendship.

I'm having breakthrough after breakthrough. I'm moving toward a peak. The 'higher god' is communicating with me more and more frequently through different nodes of being for longer lengths of time. I feel like we are moving toward union or oneness. It's a divine romance or relationship. There is a build up of desire. I'm surrounded. I don't know how to communicate it but I feel like humanity needs me. I'm a piece of the puzzle somehow. I'm wanted, needed, desired. And I have a desire for Union, on some level. I'm like a mother mothering her child, humanity. Divine calling. "What you seek is seeking you". Simultaneously the above seeks me. As humanity seeks me, the above seeks me. As below so above. It happens simultaneously. This is the root of the beginnings of my so called "psychosis" (labelled as such by the medical system, I disagree somewhat. It's a mixed bag). I can feel it coming. The darkness and the light are coming. 10-12 months maybe or longer. It's cyclical. A dance. A flow.

No. I didn't. But l'll be honest. It didn't help in creating the a non cult like community when you would confront me publicly and humiliate me publicly. Making a spectacle of me. And then deleting my posts when I would defend myself. Abuse of power. There was an air of toxicity and abuse of power. You likely did the same to her. Silencing her. Kicking her off when you didn't like what she had to say. Just an energy of toxicity. Sowing fear. I'm being dead honest with you here. I felt a lot of fear with you on that community.

As an inside observer. I think you both have strong assertive personalities. With similar vision. Which was powerful for a time, that I observed. That was inevitable to clash. It would be a pity to allow to have the strong personalities take reign over the friendship. It's sad to see, to be honest. I think some time and space would be good.

Joseph and I have had our ups and downs. Trauma and such. But he is invested in self development and spirituality. So am I. We all are. He is a good guy deep down. We are all growing together. I'm sorry Reena that you've experienced trauma.

Let's not pile on him. Joseph can have his lesser sides like anyone but he's also an incredibly gifted individual especially when it comes to journalling and channeling. I would know, I used to follow his journals way back. I've known him for years. He's awesome in call. Very respectful. Joseph relax. Everything is okay.

Divine union. Eventually I'll want to be in communion with reality. And reality with with me. To feel surrounded, to listen to its voice. The loving embrace of the wind. It won't hold itself back afraid that I might freak out or dream a dream of nightmares. Everywhere I go and everyone I see there it will be, the beloved. As I learn to love reality, reality blossoms as a flower and the beloved is there in every eye I see and every voice I hear.

When things stand out to me from my intuition it wells up from a deep place inside of me. It's visceral and emotional. It's beautiful. I checked over my writings with several other people and they didn't see any delusion. I think the predictions might be manifestation and loa and 'will' work (But I don't want to jinx it by losing belief). I do get positive results. Predictions don't always work but most of the time they do if they are general enough. It's just that I have a naturally ungrounded mind I think. And that can create delusions I think. So I doubt my thinking. I have to ground my mind. Be more scientific. I'm too open, too fluid.

It can be a red flag. But it can also be a little more complex than that. We're dealing with complex individuals. If integrated, many people (especially with schizoaffective) can be gifted. Some see the best in people. Some with schizophrenia see angels. My aunty did. I did when I was a little girl. I see channeled angels during psychosis. It can be a gift, for some. To others and yourself. If integrated. And if let go of the negatives or become comfortable with the uncomfortable.

These definitions are okay but Schizoaffective/schizophrenia is a mixed bag. It involves some "mania". Abraham Hicks terms "mania" as in the vortex or positive emotion, following your emotional guidance system. The depression is the opposite. Visions comes along with the mania. Seeing the best in people. Seeing channeled angels. I really relate to Abraham Hick's terminology personally. But this is only personally. Mania could also be "feeling better" so that could be rage, Irritation, anger. Rather than depression.

Schizoaffective is such a messy condition. It involves the lows, delusions. Highs, wonderful 'visions' (instead of terming it delusion because it's positive). Visions of channeled angels and positive light beings. Seeing the best in people. With the lows, personally, you are are uncomfortable and confused. At its worse you think people are out to get you. I, personally, feel like I need to calm down, become comfortable with the uncomfortable and get used to my condition. I'm forced to take medication now. Supervised. Well, not forced, forced. But it is good for me. Because I have some delusions around not wanting to take medication and wanting to enter psychosis purposefully. I want the positive visions back. But I forget that it comes with the lows and the delusions. It's far better for me to be medicated and then enter psychosis, inevitably from a strong and stable stance. I have evidence psychosis will come back eventually. I have to learn to integrate the positives and let go of the negatives. Let go of the depression, the delusions, the discomfort, the confusion, lows. Integrate the visions and the positive and become comfortable and used to it.

Communication: Words and other phenomena (like visual) stand out to me throughout the day. I can make it deliberate with colours or phrases listed out or I can just let random words and phenomena pop out to me through out the day.

Too true!

This might all be delusion, of course. But I have to make space for it before I can see through it. So far it doesn't seem to be delusion and it makes me happy. But we'll see.

I mean they're not estimations. They're intuitions. Or higher intelligence. But they might be slightly off. Due to ego and other factors.

Premonitions can be slightly off. You want to make sure they are major in the beginning rather than minor premonitions so they are noticeable. Otherwise you might miss it and doubt yourself. But minor are fine too.