Proserpina

I can feel "change" in the air. The collective or the Feminine is coming. People demand a change. People or the collective demand depth or truth. Change. Healing. It's like a pulsating. Asking. Intuition is being set off on all cylinders.

I actually experience minimal madness/fantasies. In comparison to the spiritual experiences I have. There is pressure on the mind during the spiritual experiences. The spiritual experiences are primary. The madness/fantasies are secondary. And since my mind is already quite open and fluid and heart is soft and open it is quite easy for there to be some fantasies.

The glory period is actually the build up before "peak" state (or "psychosis" - if you want to use that word, I find using that word acknowledges my trauma and darkness, helps me to integrate and heal, more holistic term, although it can be stigmatizing). Before the darkness really steps in or steps up. The build up is more light hearted. It's more light, playful. I have time to study it, think things through. I'm passionate, shining bright and not overwhelmed by the darkness. The peak is awesome aswell of of course. I'm closest to the Higher God at peak and can communicate with many channels but the darkness can tamper with it.

I'm losing weight quickly. I'm vibrating at passion on the emotional guidance scale most days these days. I am consumed by my projects. By a larger purpose and calling. There is an ebb and flow to it. I don't really "make my way up the emotional guidance scale". Although I do lay the grid consistently. My purpose and passion and call from humanity comes and goes. Non attachment.

I'm losing weight quickly. I'm vibrating at passion on the emotional guidance scale most days these days. I am consumed by my projects. By a larger purpose and calling. There is an ebb and flow to it. I don't really "make my way up the emotional guidance scale". Although I do lay the grid consistently. My purpose and passion and call from humanity comes and goes. Non attachment.

This playlist is soothing. I used to get panic attacks when I was younger. Then I took a break from humanity. Sometimes humanity can be invasive, especially when you have vulnerabilities (like I do). I would take a break from the forum maybe. Too many people encroaching in your energetic fields. You need inner stillness.

Many of my visions have been tied to Actualized, it's fruitful ground for well, actualization, aswell as spirituality and journalling. I was kinda dependent on it. I feel like the divine cut me off for me to learn how to venture out on my own and pave my own path on my own. To learn how to stand up on my own two feet. Also there was some toxic elements there too. I learnt a lot about my individual path away from any influence from actualized.org. My visions have spread. Become more universal. Rather than centred at one place. I feel more connected universally, rather than with one singular place. ...... A woman can easily be stepped upon. Her softness and gentleness making her vulnerable to such a thing. Her cycles (large -life cycles and small- fertility cycles) demonized if she disowns her own perspective. She wishes to remain "kore", maiden goddess at all times. Disowning her other aspects. She disowns her Queen of Swords, autumn goddess, inner depth. She cannot see her own perspective any longer. She is a disheveled mess from the disownership. It's only when she begins to separate herself from the masculine can she begin to regain her perspective and pick up her sword again. She shines from within. She is a rose. ....... I don't think it's victim mentality. This goes back to female empowerment and the need to call women a victim or having a victim mentality. I think men become disillusioned with women when women fight back during their autumn cycle (naturally masculine). The woman is cyclical. The man is disillusioned. But the woman is playing a larger game of cycles as well, although she may lose at the smaller game of cycles. She is an emotional, spiritual creature, naturally ebbing with larger cycles of yin and yang energies.

Although I'm not entirely sure if I believe in soul families anymore. I've had my heart broken so many times by what I thought was a serious soul mate (someone with a strong resonance, very beautiful energy) that I just can't take it seriously anymore. I think it was rather the higher God being channeled. The higher God is a jealous God. It wants to keep me close to it and will keep me to him/herself, rather than grow overly attached to 'idols' (channels). It will break my heart to keep me close to the true source.

You're right. It was public shaming. I should of said something. No one is stepping forward to validate you either. This guy is intimidating. Seriously.

It's much deeper than just communications with God. You also recieve resonances and information. Intuitions. Who is a part of your soul family for example. ...... Darkness accompanies the light sometimes. The darkness has a similar need. It has desire, wanting, needing. It wishes to be seen, to be heard, to be loved. To be sat with. Many dark hallucinations and illusions dissappear under the light of love.

Thankyou for not arguing with me. I'm trying to discuss. Reena is my friend. My loyalties run deep from previous experiences I've had with her. She was there for me. As have you been. And I don't like arguing with you. I can intuitively sense her heart is in the right place. I'm trying to be there for her. While I work on my own personal projects. From now on I'm going to be more peaceful.

I don't think it's victim mentality. This goes back to female empowerment and the need to call women a victim or having a victim mentality. I think men become disillusioned with women when women fight back during their autumn cycle (naturally masculine). The woman is cyclical. The man is disillusioned. But the woman is playing a larger game of cycles as well, although she may lose at the smaller game of cycles. She is an emotional, spiritual creature, naturally ebbing with larger cycles of yin and yang energies.

@Joseph Maynor It's easy to dismiss those who are vulnerable or who appear as having high emotionality as having victim mentality etc. but context is important. The Why. There is normally a why. A deeper, nefarious issue at hand that they unfortunately been a victim to. They've probably been unlucky. Or they are are highly highly intuitive and sensitive to underlying issues. Being exposed to Reena I would say she is the latter, highly intuitive and sensitive and fierce. This can come across as high emotionality. She knows what's up.

@Joseph Maynor She doesn't have a victim mentality. Have some compassion. She was just recently heartbroken basically. To put it bluntly. Stop putting salt in her wounds.

I say "Higher God" because it seems to be God in communication with me (not with voices, but with intuitions, visions). It has a personality, a continuation from one channel to the next. It will be any channel but prefers love or love is easiest to channel through. Many 'voices' (not literal voices, channels), one being. This Higher God often has my own 'voice', as in I think it is the self. The self includes many elements and is not totally divorced from the body and the environment despite what many schools say. It is Holistic. It is more complex than that. The Higher God has a vivid personality and is not two dimensional. My relationship with the Higher God is highly vivid.

My system acclimates or settles so it can handle the new wave of calling. It can be intense, so it acclimates. The desire is mutual. "What you seek is seeking you". My vortex on fire. Intensely strong desire. For what, I'm not sure. To heal, to uplift, to love. Union. Teach. Heal. When I'm at peak even my presence can have a positive impact.

I am acclimating to the new heights. I caught the initial beginning, that was obvious. Everything has been kinda quiet. I think because I'm acclimated. That, and the desire was fulfilled, their need was met. It comes in peaks and valleys. Flows. Acclimates. Like a dance. The desire comes and goes. Dries up, renews. Savouring, filled up.

I suppose femininity or a woman's breed of femininity is a much different experience for a woman than it is for a man as they experience cycles that can be very difficult socially. It would be good to have some some female voices in here. They have to navigate cycles that I don't think many masculine or males have to put up with. In that way we need female voices. It is also much different for someone with 'mental illness' who spirals in and out of feminine and masculine flows. Someone who has high emotionality. Or experiences bipolar, or schizoaffective or mystic ability.

A woman can easily be stepped upon. Her softness and gentleness making her vulnerable to such a thing. Her cycles (large -life cycles and small- fertility cycles) demonized if she disowns her own perspective. She wishes to remain "kore", maiden goddess at all times. Disowning her other aspects. She disowns her Queen of Swords, autumn goddess, inner depth. She cannot see her own perspective any longer. She is a disheveled mess from the disownership. It's only when she begins to separate herself from the masculine can she begin to regain her perspective and pick up her sword again. She shines from within. She is a rose.

@Reena I love you too. Of course. I'm here for you. We've both had very similar experiences. You keep and have kept me company in my journalling and spiritual escapades. Your energy and company is appreciated.

@Joseph Maynor I don't want to get involved anymore. This is getting too much.

@Joseph Maynor "This woman" who was once your girlfriend was threatened with legal action during psychosis during the very beginning of our relationship. I don't lie. I was having a delusion. And you considered it defamation (very personal, can't share online) even though I was in psychosis. I was in an extremely vulnerable state. And was given no empathy and I remember it being incredibly jarring and painful. You had no regard.

@Joseph Maynor I'm not sure if you can see how hurtful you can be. You turn cold very quickly. At a drop of a hat. People share their heart with you. People love you. And when you grow tired of them you turn cold and detached as if there were never any attachment. Reena shared her heart with you, I saw it. And then when you grew disillusioned with her you became deadly cold toward her. Making her out to be some monster with victim and narcissistic mentality. Threatening her. A woman has to be this perfect saint for you or she is the opposite - the devil. It's no wonder she's reacting the way she is. See the larger context. You don't realize how it is brutal to a woman's heart to be thrown aside and suddenly made out to be this ogre or monster.

I think it's not so much a case of loyalties but a case of "the good" being finally voiced. When it was walked out on before. A natural reordering from an unnatural prior ordering. The good can only be walked out on for so long. The good of heart can only take so much BS. It twists you up inside and it's a relief to finally find goodness in the trash heap of shallow intent. Queen of Swords. Autumn Goddess. Truth rises.

Psychosis record: ("psychosis" is a mixed bag: spirituality, intuition, visions, delusions/illusions/fantasies, hallucinations): 2018 (26) 1st psychosis (hardcore june - december - continuing on throughout the next 6 months/year). No medication. Actualized. Purely positive/good. No negativity. Higher God centred on one individual. Feel deeply connected and loved. This experience was the most profound of all and my first. 2020 (28) 2nd psychosis (march - november) - Actualized, banned. No medication. From March till August mostly postive/good. Higher God with many many individuals on one forum. Feel deeply connected and loved. From August to November I'm attacked by negative energies and negative entities. I'm broken. Mum gets sick with brain cancer during peak around that time. I think influenced by energy. I swear vengeance one day. 2022 (30) 3rd psychosis (februrary - april) - diagnosed, mums death. Minimal medication. Starting to stand on my own two feet. My visions are becoming universal. I see the Higher God everywhere not centred in one place. Feel connected with everyone. Venturing out into the big wide world and travelling. 2023 (31) - 4th psychosis (mid june till late september). Was on Abilify the whole time. Everything is becoming more and more positive/ good. More and more positive energies. Understanding the patterns. Actually enjoying the process and feel in control of the process. Soaking up and integrating the good and and letting go of and becoming comfortable with the negative.