Proserpina

Every night spirits contact me. The supernatural is real. They tap me or they simply feel me, move the bedding around. They do this all night. Sometimes they might cradle me in their arms. They're very polite, they always knock on the door first to ask to be let in. I'm not sure why they are doing this. This happened at my last house too so they are following me. I recieve messages and synchronicities in alignment with the spirits too.

Things I'm grateful for: 1. Jan Blomqvist 2. The spirits in my room 3. My beautiful house 4. Music 5. Lovely dresses 6. Friendships 7. The chakras 8. Feminine self care 9. Synchronicities 10. Journalling

I wanted/ want to be that light in the darkness for him. My heart went out out of love. That's all I'll say. I think brutal beat downs have a limit until they need to be balanced with some light. I try to be that light for everyone. Including myself. Especially during my autumn season (pmdd) when I'm more individualistic and conflict active. Just reflecting in my journal. I still love this forum. I think it can be very loving and has good voices.

Why do you have so much hatred in your heart, Isagi? You are loved. I felt Jonas was subtly bringing up my disorder and I'm sure it's not in my head and my feelings and gut notified it. I wasn't triggered. I was just expressing how I felt.

I agree. I think it was unnecessary to bring up my disorder especially since I act relatively reasonable on this forum and keep to myself most of the time. I'm not harming anyone. It was an attack on me and my reasonability and ability to reason since I have schizophrenia. It hurt. I think I'm a reasonable person with a kind heart.

This is why friendship and relationships are so invaluable I find. And online forums and psychologists cannot equate. The heart is missing in so many ways online and with psychologists.

@Jonas Long In my experience with psychiatrists and psychologists, a lot of them lack understanding and empathy, as well as spiritual understanding and context. I can never properly express my experiences I've had because they feel the need to place things into strict medical frameworks devoid of spirituality and the mystic. I never really feel heard. I think Joseph would benefit more from a loving environment where he can talk about ĥis experiences openly and freely.

I have experience with mental health and so I have empathy for those who may or may not struggle. That is the upside to having "issues". My history with him is that I love him and that I have a heart for his issues and the things he is going through.

Why am I the last person who should be his therapist?

❤︎

Only because he was being so radically demonized was he letting you know that there is such a thing as defamation. If panic attacks are the result then it can only be a consequence of the prior demonization. Again he was very genuinely affectionate. He is principled, that can come across as intimidating and stiff in text. His harshness in self defence, anyone can see that. The aggressor vs the one defending themselves.

But to say that Joseph is "pure evil" is too harsh a statement. And I don't think it can stand on its own merit. He runs on principles. He felt it was right action to remove you from the forum due to principle. Not out of malicious intent. He is driven by right action. He understood that it might hurt you but you were saying some things about phil. He was very very kind to you throughout most of your stay on the forum. And I don't believe it was love bombing or narcissistic, I think it was genuine affection for you. He does not deserve to be demonized as he had been. I understand he called you a narcissist but does that really justify this level of demonisation in this thread? Anyways, I don't want to rehash this.

@Reena I want no conflict with you. No ganging up here. What I said came from sincerity, if that came across as cringy or trauma bondy, so be it. I want a heart that is free of hardening and is soft. So I make room for admitting fault, and appreciation of the people I love. I'm sorry Joseph has hurt you. I acknowledge that and understand that.

You're welcome. When the divine was moving through me and certain nodes in the collective were sensitive to and translating the energies that I was transmitting you were the most sensitive to the energy transmission. The divine, moving through me, was able to transmit its message through nodes in the collective. I got the impression that you were my specific conduit or bridge and that I hold a special relationship with you in a very deep way.

Joseph is quite normal. Not creepy at all. He has an astounding ability to channel. During my mystical experiences, he has an amazing ability to connect with my soul and channel my meaning. As if he were the walking collective or feminine. Direct connection. He is very kind to women. He is a walking phenomenon and he knows it and people pick up on it and assume it's ego. Incredible channeller. Deeply connected to the divine. I pick up on this especially when I am "tapped in" or in mystic state. He can be fiercely independent.

""This woman" who was once your girlfriend was threatened with legal action during psychosis during the very beginning of our relationship. I don't lie. I was having a delusion. And you considered it defamation (very personal, can't share online) even though I was in psychosis. I was in an extremely vulnerable state. And was given no empathy and I remember it being incredibly jarring and painful. You had no regard. " proserpina I believe I was too harsh (especially these two posts) in this thread. Joseph and I have had a long history, I've known him closely for 6 years. I didn't lie but there is a lot of missed context, missed history. I let a lot of my angst out publicly those several days which I regret. I suffer from PMDD. I think people were too harsh towards him on this website. Some strong points of Joseph Maynor: -Strong Principles -Remains silent in the face of opposition majority of the time (in a good way) - Aligned with the good (majority of the time) - A big heart - A strong mind

Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door shall opened to you. Ask for his presence. Seek out the higher god's love in sources of love. A lot of things are neutral or indifferent or ever nefarious parts of the higher god. You have to find where about in the personality of the higher god does he love you. Seek out the sun. Of course all parts of the higher god radiate love with awareness but you can't always rely on that. That comes and goes. With repeated exposure to love you can have awareness.

The darkness has left a mark on my soul. I feel a resonance. I'm drawn to the bad smells, the spirits. They are the Higher God's personality, but his darkness. I'm afraid. But I'm drawn in. I'm being pulled. To explore that side of his personality, to love the entirety of him. I don't want Lucifer or the Higher God to do my bidding. He's only hurting himself for me. And I love him. That's why he does what he does. Because he knows I love him.

Past relevant writings: The Divine in peak state: Welling up of anger. Welling up of love. Within the personality of Higher God. The Divine After peak state: Settling down within the personality of Higher God. Higher God always present. (Can access peak state by awareness. Higher God always present everywhere as everyone and everything) What I am doing to others and myself outside of that peak state, I am doing to God. Will come back to bite me or reward me.

In my dreams I have peak state. (Note to self: Look into lucid dreaming.) In my dream I was calling on Lucifer. There was a bad smell and bad smelling spirits all around me. I called on the light and archangel michael and the smell and spirits cleared. I'm not sure how to process this. I don't want to put the darkness in my shadow. It will leak out. It must be integrated in small doses. I feel a resonance with it and seems to wish to want to work with me.

All of creation mimics the pure Higher God, radiating love, even demons because it IS the Higher God in the state where you are able to see the Higher God. So it's not quite that the Higher God is "beyond" it. I just mean at the core the Higher God is Love and everything tells you that.

All sides of the higher God are logical and make sense. It is not random, not dull. Everything has a perfect order, even the darkness. The darkness flows in perfect sync with his personality. The Higher God is very similar to the Phantom of the Opera or Beauty and the Beast and the Gods of Greek Myth. And Beauty is his muse. His "call to motion". There are levels of creation, similar to Christianity. Spirits, angels, demons. A spirit can be 'upon' a person. Can be used by a person if the person allows it. Channeled through a person. The Higher God is all of creation but is also beyond as pure love.

Some of my past writings (just interpretations): Things improve with the higher God because a relationship with the higher God (love) has a domino affect on all aspects of himself. If you focus on demons, you limit yourself to their level of consciousness. The Beast transforms. Talk to the higher God to hear him in all his creations, domino affect to all his aspects. There is a cascading affect when you improve your relationship with him. It's impacts all of who he is. He is like an enormous mind or brain which has its own personality and feelings about everything. Love and relationship shifts the enormous mind on all levels. ...... The story of the Higher God There was once a time when the Higher God and I were in love. He was my mentor. He protected me from seeing other aspects of himself. Then came the time when he wanted to reveal the other aspects of himself. Suddenly he was a great enemy. We must of fought in my past lives because our history ran deep and great was his fury. His aspects he was revealing included demons and other supernatural entities. They seemed to take a liking to me, as a reflection of the overall Higher God's liking. When we met again after a long period apart he called to me and I answered but I was terrified of him. He had fallen into a depression because of our time a part (think Demeter and Persephone). His heart had grown selfish, everything was falling apart and he was murderous. When I came to him, everything settled. We entered a honey moon period. At some point his fury took centre stage and I asked to be parted from him and that made him more furious. We became real enemies. We fought. The whole of the Higher God fought me. The ovens and food smelt of rotten flesh, the smell of death pervaded the earth and he threatened to eat me alive. Such was my bad karma. Over time I slowly calmed down the Higher God and won his trust back. The earth was again full of spring and laughter. There still resides that side of him that is his fury and my bad karma but it has lessened significantly so. We are falling in love again, this time with all his aspects. .........

I think of Lucifer as the treasure beneath the darkness, when the shadow is your friend. All those years of torment, finally integrated. For those with an innocent heart who are not corrupted by the power he is the great equaliser. The dark side of God. Walking karma.

Spirits have been contacting me. They told me to "get out" in a dream. Recently, about a month ago, I've been having a resonance with Lucifer. Been having him doing my bidding. He only listens to the innocent of heart. I'm afraid of the collective and the impact this will have on "peak state". Everything is laid bare. I regret involvement. I wrote this: I want to make peace with the shadow and make the darkness my sanctuary, instead of my enemy. Make friends with it so it works with you. The shadow my ally. The voices (intuitions) basically told me that unless I swore myself to Lucifer that I would burn. I want to sit on the right hand side of lucifer rather than feel threatened. Friendship and share love with what has tormented me over the years.