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I would like to want..


fopylo
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So here is something that is a bit disturbing me. I am reading the book Radical Honesty (which is a very great book) and in it he says the following:

"When you say 'I want to look for a new job, but I can't seem to get started', who is it that 'wants to' and who is it that 'can't'? It is as though there were two of you and one - the one who 'can't' - had more power than the other. You pretend that the real you is the one that 'wants to'."

"Our true intent is to do just what we do."

"We have to stop paying attention to our struggle and turn our awareness to the ways in which these circumstances we claim we want to change serve us - the payoffs. Only after experiencing ourselves the way we are, dropping our phony struggle to change, and telling the truth about all of it, can we create the lives we have been saying we want."

The things he says seem very wise, and I'm trying to see how it applies to my life. So for a very long time I keep telling myself that I want to create music, since I feel a deep desire for it, and honestly I really want to be someone who creates music, compose orchestra music, beats, whatnot. But I don't really get to it. Maybe only once in a while I create something small and then leave it behind. The truth is that I do want to create music. But after reading this book I am understanding that I actually want to sit in comfort on my laptop and feeling sorry for myself for not being able to get myself creating something. My true intent is just to remain the same. But how do I change that? Like, do I even want to change? - I think this is the more powerful question. I feel bad saying that maybe I don't want to change, that perhaps I'm unwilling... Shit! How do I create this life jesus

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The dreamboard is your answer. Also, try this:

> Open a note-taking app on your phone or find a pen and a piece of paper

> Write down whatever thought is kinda bugging you. For example, maybe "I'd like to be a person who creates music but maybe I just too lazy" or something.

> Reach for whatever thought that feels better. Write it down under the previous thought.

> Again, write down whatever thought feels better.

> Again

> Again

You'll be catching more and more better feeling thoughts if you do this every day or even a couple of times per week. You'll align with who you want to be.

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On 3/21/2022 at 12:15 PM, fopylo said:

But how do I change that?

That you’re thinking about, questioning, asking about how to change that, is the evidence that you don’t want that. You want something other than that. 

On 3/21/2022 at 12:15 PM, fopylo said:

who is it that 'wants to' and who is it that 'can't'? It is as though there were two of you and one - the one who 'can't' - had more power than the other

This inspection of the “two of you” (thoughts)… the ‘who’ which wants to… and the ‘who’ which it is said can’t… is similar to if not the same as….

On 3/21/2022 at 12:15 PM, fopylo said:

So for a very long time I keep telling myself that I want to create music, since I feel a deep desire for it, and honestly I really want to be someone who

… this implication there are “two of you”…  the ‘one’ which is telling, and the ‘other one’ which is being told (I tell myself). 
Likewise, ‘I want to be someone who’… implies two of you; the one you are, and the one you could be. 
Allow simplicity. Creating music is an activity, which sometimes you engage in, and other times you don’t. There are other activists which you sometimes do, and sometimes don’t. No activities define you. 

On 3/21/2022 at 12:15 PM, fopylo said:

How do I create this life jesus

You already did that aspect. 👍🏻 And here we are. Well done and thank you kindly. Life is a beautiful miracle. 😊

Now is the enjoy the activities part. 

Let go of any baggage or pressure or weight in regard to the belief creating music is something that defines or identifies you.
Maybe write a song about letting that go.

It might also be helpful to user a timer. Literally, set it to like 5 minutes, and relax & allow focus upon the activity of creating music - until the timer goes off. Might be an easy way to take all the longevity thinking out of it, and bring back the zest. 

Write what you want on the dreamboard… then experience it.  (As compared to ‘creating a life’ and or identity)

In regard to writing on the board… I’d consider “I would like to want”… vs… I want “_________”, and only writing what goes in that blank.  For example, I want a “car”. On the board just write “car”.  Or maybe, I want “30 minutes of creating a song”, and just write “30 mins of song writing”.  Break it up into smaller, as small as possible really, pieces. It’s just minutes of the activity of song writing. Not creating a life. 🙂

If it still seems like there is intensity, or maybe tension, or anything like that around the song writing… do the ‘piecing’ with regular activities. Feel the relief in the ‘tinier’ portions, one at a time. Might seem silly, but mindfulness like ‘now I’m going to be walking for around 10 minutes’, whenever you walk somewhere. ‘Now I’m going to be eating for around 15 minutes’, whenever you eat. Make sense? 

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On 3/21/2022 at 12:15 PM, fopylo said:

who is it that 'wants to' and who is it that 'can't'?

To sides of the ego (thought), but one is a conditioned thinking pattern...typically, the one you're fighting against.

The one that likes being a drinker/smoker, the one that wants to eat cookies all day, the one that wants to be lazy. See the pattern?

The conditioning is usually some form of comfort and/or addiction to some way of being and the thought that isn't conditioned can see  beyond the conditioning ie. Weight loss, new job, smoke-free life style and tries to convince the conditioned patterned to change its ways. 

Shining the light on conditioned thought patterns when they arise and really seeing them for what they are, time and time again, helps to dissolve them. Especially, if you change your thoughts and behaviors to something healthy at the same time.

If someone has healthy conditioning, then they don't have these type of battles that often.

You're a thought. Do you think a thought is going to occupy 'no thought'.

The 'changeless' can be realized only when the 
ever-changing thought-flow stops.

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@Phil

3 hours ago, Phil said:

That you’re thinking about, questioning, asking about how to change that, is the evidence that you don’t want that. You want something other than that.

How is the fact that I'm ruminating about wanting change is evidence that I don't want to change, and that I want something else? Do you mean that every time that I say I want anything for my situation to be different/other than it is, I actually truly want it to be as it is and I'm just lying to myself?

3 hours ago, Phil said:

the ‘one’ which is telling, and the ‘other one’ which is being told (I tell myself).

the 'one' which want and could be, and the 'other one' which can't, that I am, respectively.

3 hours ago, Phil said:

which sometimes you engage in, and other times you don’t

Hmmm... I get a sense that the 'wanting' that I think about appears in an unrecognizable way in actuality. Is 'wanting to create music', when actually happening, in actuality, going with the flow? This makes more sense since it doesn't rely on ideas. You do what you are currently doing because you want to (= It is going with the flow, this is the path with least resistance). However, beliefs about what I 'should' do, what I 'would like' to do (which I'm not doing), who I'd like to become (whom I'm not) still arise and I don't really want to let those go and release them. Like, I do really want to live the ideal life.

4 hours ago, Phil said:

Let go of any baggage or pressure or weight in regard to the belief creating music is something that defines or identifies you.
Maybe write a song about letting that go.

How do I let go of this baggage? Yo I am really limiting myself, ain't I? I don't dive into drawing, animation and other art because of this limitation.
 

4 hours ago, Phil said:

Literally, set it to like 5 minutes, and

4 hours ago, Phil said:

Or maybe, I want “30 minutes of creating a song

4 hours ago, Phil said:

‘Now I’m going to be eating for around 15 minutes’

Dude I'm traumatized from a lot of the common 'self-help' advice I once sought about overcoming procrastination, and it just stressed me more and I became more neurotic, more resistant. I don't feel much relief in breaking a task into smaller 'pieces' the way you described honestly. Using timers is stressing man.

 

4 hours ago, Phil said:

 

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3 hours ago, Faith said:

The conditioning is usually some form of comfort and/or addiction to some way of being

@Faith But it is what I want ultimately, right? Because this is the case, no?

3 hours ago, Faith said:

and the thought that isn't conditioned can see  beyond the conditioning

Didn't quite understand what you mean by 'can see beyond', and also, how come (why) is that the case?

 

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@fopylo There really isnt right or wrong, although my writing may look that way. If someone decides to smoke their whole life doesnt mean its ultimately wrong, but they "may" battle that choice through our their life, internally. 

it also is case specific, say you normally (therefore conditionally) run 5 miles every morning, but this morning you "want" to sleep and have the battling interal dialogue about it. Is that choice good or bad? 

So, instead of me saying the conditioned thought is some form of comfort/addiction. I should have left it at just conditioning.

5 hours ago, fopylo said:

what you mean by 'can see beyond', and also, how come (why) is that the case?

So, let's just say the battle is usually conditioned thought vs a thought that's a new idea (ie. let's lose weight, yeah!). 

You're a thought. Do you think a thought is going to occupy 'no thought'.

The 'changeless' can be realized only when the 
ever-changing thought-flow stops.

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6 hours ago, fopylo said:

How is the fact that I'm ruminating about wanting change is evidence that I don't want to change, and that I want something else? Do you mean that every time that I say I want anything for my situation to be different/other than it is, I actually truly want it to be as it is and I'm just lying to myself?

No…..

On 3/21/2022 at 12:15 PM, fopylo said:

The truth is that I do want to create music. But after reading this book I am understanding that I actually want to sit in comfort on my laptop and feeling sorry for myself for not being able to get myself creating something. My true intent is just to remain the same. But how do I change that?

…. You said, “How do I change that”.   Apparently that isn’t what you want, because, you want to change that. 

6 hours ago, fopylo said:

the 'one' which want and could be, and the 'other one' which can't, that I am, respectively.

It can be helpful to point to what or who these thoughts are about. This helps clarify these are thoughts. Not selves. 

6 hours ago, fopylo said:

Hmmm... I get a sense that the 'wanting' that I think about appears in an unrecognizable way in actuality. Is 'wanting to create music', when actually happening, in actuality, going with the flow? This makes more sense since it doesn't rely on ideas. You do what you are currently doing because you want to (= It is going with the flow, this is the path with least resistance). However, beliefs about what I 'should' do, what I 'would like' to do (which I'm not doing), who I'd like to become (whom I'm not) still arise and I don't really want to let those go and release them. Like, I do really want to live the ideal life.

Letting the thoughts go = spending some time making music vs spending time on these thoughts. 🙂

6 hours ago, fopylo said:

How do I let go of this baggage? Yo I am really limiting myself, ain't I? I don't dive into drawing, animation and other art because of this limitation.

I am really limiting myself”… there are not two of you. There isn’t a second self for you to limit. Nothing prevents you from spending time creating music. You’re free to. 

6 hours ago, fopylo said:

Dude I'm traumatized from a lot of the common 'self-help' advice I once sought about overcoming procrastination, and it just stressed me more and I became more neurotic, more resistant. I don't feel much relief in breaking a task into smaller 'pieces' the way you described honestly. Using timers is stressing man

Ok. Do what works for you. 👍🏻 It was just a suggestion. 

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@fopylo the key is to enjoy it. You are going to suck so badly at first. If you are enjoying it it doesn't matter. Pour a glass of wine if you drink sit there and enjoy making some crappy music. Or you might have the skills already it doesn't really matter. What matters is that you will create something that you can listen to 10 years later. Focus on the fun aspect of it and not on the i should do this otherwise i suck.

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Another interesting quote he says:

Quote

"Everyone who ever successfully made a change that worked and served as a platform for the next, did this first:
they finally accepted themselves the way they were. They gave up the struggle to get better. Then, finally, they were free to change."

I would like to know what you think about this. Like how come when you give up trying to change you finally become free to change?

I mean, he also says that:

Quote

"You have to die to live. Your 'pretend' self, that doesn't include your imperfections, has to die. Then, you again become a whole being. You then have the power you have always had, only now you can use it consciously. This is the good life. It requires that you sacrifice the pleasure of crying yourself to sleep on a greasy mattress."

About the wholeness he says:

Quote

"Your wholeness - the experience of yourself the way you are - must precede commitment, because to be anything less than your whole self is to be trapped in the morass of beliefs you have about who you are based on your case history."

 

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On 3/21/2022 at 5:15 PM, fopylo said:

So for a very long time I keep telling myself that I want to create music, since I feel a deep desire for it, and honestly I really want to be someone who creates music, compose orchestra music, beats, whatnot.

 

On 3/21/2022 at 5:15 PM, fopylo said:

But I don't really get to it.

 

On 3/21/2022 at 5:15 PM, fopylo said:

Maybe only once in a while I create something small and then leave it behind.

 

On 3/21/2022 at 5:15 PM, fopylo said:

The truth is that I do want to create music.

As someone making music, this honestly confuses me. I can't stop doing it.  There's not even a question of "Hmm should I do it or not. I should do it more often." Huh? It's a nobrainer, if you want to make music, grab that f'in instrument and search for beautiful tunes. Been following that strategy for 12 years, I promise, it works.

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@fopylo

Are you willing to go through the 'amateur phase' and face all the upcoming challenges, from music theory to business to mixing to marketing and more?

This is the same question as, do you enjoy facing all those challenges?

For me, the challenges were not a hurdle, but gasoline to the fire. This is not to say that it was easy - some things were really tricky to figure out, and still are. But it was always simple, because.. I just did what I love.

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The fact you have the desire to do something means that it is worth considering. The fact you are considering it means you are on the path to doing it. As others have already stated, just start doing what you think you want to do. And you will be doing this the same way you do anything! It seems like a huge mountain now (being a professional music creator), yet every single professional music creator has had to make the same decision and go through similar difficulties. Decide it is worth your time to do, simply because you enjoy the idea of it, then begin doing it, a little at a time. Every single day, do SOMETHING to move toward the goal, even if it is simply writing in a journal about the idea of writing music. Your action could also be  simply practicing piano while considering the idea of moving ahead. Play with the notes and get a feel for what sounds good and how the notes interact with one another and with your emotional state.

Open yourself to exploring the concepts. Open yourself to the excitement of the journey, and celebrate little things you learn along the way. Doing this will turn that mountain into something achievable and fun, not just some impossibly huge goal. Live in the moment, with no thought for the future or the past, meaning, you can take time to plan and dream for the future and to examine the past for lessons you can learn, but if you live in either the past or the future, you will prevent yourself from ever achieving anything at all.

 

TLDR; Focus on living in the present moment, and on individual tasks. Take some time for planning and dreaming. Practice each day doing SOMETHING, even something tiny, to move toward your dream. Keep SEEKING! ❤️

May you seek and find Unity.

My Blog, Upward Quest

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On 3/24/2022 at 5:21 PM, Lotus said:

Are you willing to go through the 'amateur phase' and face all the upcoming challenges, from music theory to business to mixing to marketing and more?

@Lotus

 

39 minutes ago, Phil said:

Make a throw away song or two first. That way you can have fun learning the software without any chance of pressure or quality. 

 

Whichever software you use, there’s a youtube channel or twelve on all the in’s & out’s too. 

@Phil

 

The same could be, as an example, that I really enjoy playing the piano (I really do) and I have this unique experience when playing the piano and I really love it. Would I like to sometime record myself playing the piano, or record myself in general and put out music? Yes, very much. Would I be willing to go through the 'amateur phase' and face all the upcoming challenges like learning the software and everything? No. It takes out all the fun man! I would like the music in my head to be manifested outside the way I hear it in my head. Getting stuck for 1 hour because I can't find the right effect to use is just no fun and a big turn off. Then I just give up. Surely there are Youtube channels out, but they are just long and not so on point (the ramble a lot) and have effect that they try selling you

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@fopylo

Record dry, add the effects after. 

 

I like this channel. He’s pretty on point. 

https://youtube.com/c/NathanLarsenMusic

 

Getting stuck is interpretation. Once you’ve created the effect you like, you can save it. That’s you living your dream, making music. Not stuck. 🙂

If you love making music, but don’t love all interpretations, make music and choose slightly more aligned / better feeling interpretations. Imagine using a 4 track tascam. That you can use a computer is pretty easy to appreciate. 

 

When experiencing impatience, write a pessimistic song.

🤓 

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Phil said:

Getting stuck is interpretation.

@Phil
Getting stuck is an interpretation that I am stuck. What are you on? I mean that I don't have the time to waste on all the effects and methodizing the whole arrangement, come on.. I want to move swiftly without getting stuck too much (yeah I know those are thoughts and that I don't 'have time' to waste, just expressed the thoughts).

 

1 hour ago, Phil said:

If you love making music, but don’t love all interpretations, make music and choose slightly more aligned / better feeling interpretations.

What do you mean by 'better feeling interpretations'? What are some examples?

 

1 hour ago, Phil said:

When experiencing impatience, write a pessimistic song.

Pessimism is one of the trickiest emotions I've came across. Not much the emotion, but rather how is it related to impatience (how is it relief from it/moving up)?

Edited by fopylo
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