fopylo Posted July 3, 2022 Author Share Posted July 3, 2022 Maybe overwhelment? It's a good thing that I'm starting to remember almost intuitively the emotional scale, but there's still a bit more to refine Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fopylo Posted July 3, 2022 Author Share Posted July 3, 2022 You know this feeling of sometimes just not knowing at all what's going on, like what you're experiencing... everything is really ok, like comfortable and all that, but for some reason you aren't feeling great - just a little down, for no reason? Like I don't even know. Maybe boredom, jumping to pessimism, and then boredom? But I don't know why I'm even pessimistic in the first place. Pessimistic about what exactly? It can drive me crazy sometimes Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fopylo Posted July 3, 2022 Author Share Posted July 3, 2022 Feeling has no name, thus not knowing the emotion, only the honesty and clarity within Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fopylo Posted July 3, 2022 Author Share Posted July 3, 2022 It's very odd that emotions from boredom and below are more easily recognized as emotions, whereas when I reach contentment I am never like "oh I am content/ this is contentment". For some reason every time I try and acknowledge contentment I quickly suffer for some reason Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fopylo Posted July 3, 2022 Author Share Posted July 3, 2022 It's really nice reading expression journals of others here. It just comes to show the magnitude of openness and authenticity we can all show Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fopylo Posted July 3, 2022 Author Share Posted July 3, 2022 To connect with others is to be open with them For being open is the only way which can allows it Being open is what allows truth, it is what allows desire, it gives rights to all ugliness and weirdness Hey, stop kidding haha We are all children playing and singing in the park Couldn't it be more obvious Come on man, stop playing - we aren't so different after all Just children singing and playing at the park Let us all cut this shit Come on boy - simplicity! You know you want it, who're you fucking kidding? Oh but wait... Don't you need to understand how everything works? Don't you need to find the meaning in it all? Aren't you forgetting you're on some mission? Be the child Throw the tantrum Throw the rage Throw the frustration Be the weak, be the strong Be the visionary, be the pessimist Be the melancholy, be the beauty Be the music that you're playing right now - Intimate Come one man, we are all this ugly stupid pieces of shit that make mistakes We are fucking clowns man Funny people We are all real It is simple We are all children playing and singing in the park Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fopylo Posted July 3, 2022 Author Share Posted July 3, 2022 Oh man I might be suppressing that I am feeling sad because I am moving out of this house, out of my personal room. That shit sucks. This house feels so warm, with the colors, with its location, with its familiarity... Moving away from all of that... I am really at the perfect place in this small town. Fuck. If we could just stay here. If my parents wouldn't divorce. Fuck. Now I'm gonna live in an apartment with shitty colors of white, and my brother doesn't really like the idea of having yellow lights and prefers the default disgusting white lights that give a robotic feeling. Yellow light gives the feeling of a home, of life, of imagination. I haven't made the time for taking memory of this house. Emotional attachment... I'm listening to beautiful piano music (Joe Hisaishi, Ryuichi Sakamoto) and it inspires writing, and emotion... This is like a poem, like a movie, like a piece of music - this emotional ride of life - the journey of being. Music brings up so much. It is beautiful. I become sentimental very easily... Maybe has to do with my INFP, or with my slight autism...? Oh man, just forget and engage. Music brings to the beauty. I just want to curl and become a little kid... Music inspires beauty in writing. I am still worried. I need to pack my stuff, I need to save memories of this house, I need to prepare my stuff for the army, I am just starting a new life... Shit! This is overwhelming. I don't really like that I have all of this going on. Yo, the good news at least is that my intuition is becoming much stronger. I really did sense how this overwhelment was approaching as the result of the content of my worrysome things. It is indeed frustrating, just to say "Fuck all of it!" Emotions are still interesting. They are beautiful. Very much so! I am indeed expressing. But I am still interested in the skipping over emotions that occur quite often when moving up the scale. I went to overwhelment from worry without going through doubt and disappointment... I might as well be inspired by some music to be super jealous of the life of some in-the-moment imaginary anime character. But anime is a whole other box of worms haha... Jealousy feels like missing the child I used to be, that I wish to be, yet can't see it... or at least knowing it is somewhere out there. It's all good and all in feeling it. It is good to write about all of it and express it. HOWEVER, it is not always like that. Expressing jealousy doesn't always come easy as the feeling. It can be held as to seeing that things aren't that way for you. Even when you feel better, the content isn't the same. Believing thoughts is much deeper than what you think. It is really like making sense of reality - I don't have it, now I do/don't - these are examples. Damn. Ok it has probably been enough. I am still a bit overwhelmed - the pictures of the house I should take, the goodbye from this house and the meaning of this house, the memories, the packing for the army, the start of a new life. Oh haha, how disappointing. Who will save me now? Who will give advice, say something positive? This is an expression journal... Guess I'm kinda stuck here by myself then. I probably do need a nice comment. Some comment from Mandy or Phil that confirms that everything is good, or even really from some nice person here. I don't feel like writing all this again on a different category for the sake of help/feedback. I guess I am really alone now. No. I can't, please. I want communication actually. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fopylo Posted July 3, 2022 Author Share Posted July 3, 2022 Something I've learned about myself today, not something new actually - In the moments of being sentimental and listening to beautiful piano/violin music I am the most excited and can be very joyful and feel like I'm the most beautiful thing in the world (not in a narcissistic way obviously. Just that the music is so beautiful and I feel like I am the music). Alright, I was planning on keeping to listen to this beauty I half want to listen to, but I just got myself some Pringles and will probably be forgetting about this all and watch some anime, until some time I remember those worries and overhwlment and suffer again Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fopylo Posted July 3, 2022 Author Share Posted July 3, 2022 Maybe tagging will somehow do something @Phil Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faith Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 I remember you talking about this before. I had told you I had to move out of my childhood house when my parents decided to move out of state when I turned 18 and I was originally going to go with them, but decided to stay with my bf (now my husband of 31 yrs). It was very hurtful and sad at the time, but it had to be the way it went. There was no other way. In hind sight I can see that, but at the time it was devastating. I was losing my parents and my house at the same time. Listen, it will be hard and you'll miss your house. No one can say you won't, but you will be okay. You're going to grow a lot in the next few years with joining the service and leaving your house. Some ppl get to visit there parents in there childhood home for years, but for some of us life isn't planned out that way and it's difficult, but it's okay. You will come out the other end of this and this house will always hold a dear spot in your heart, but you'll need to let it go. So, you can open the door for the new experiences coming your way.💙 Quote Mention You're a thought. Do you think a thought is going to occupy 'no thought'. The 'changeless' can be realized only when the ever-changing thought-flow stops. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orb Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 @fopylo Dude change feels great! Its really nice and youll get used to it, coming from someone whos been nearly homeless and moved around a lot. You may feel a slight "death" at first, an old part is dying off for something new to be born. Quote Mention ♾️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fopylo Posted July 4, 2022 Author Share Posted July 4, 2022 41 minutes ago, Faith said: Listen, it will be hard and you'll miss your house. No one can say you won't, but you will be okay. You're going to grow a lot in the next few years with joining the service and leaving your house. Some ppl get to visit there parents in there childhood home for years, but for some of us life isn't planned out that way and it's difficult, but it's okay. You will come out the other end of this and this house will always hold a dear spot in your heart, but you'll need to let it go. So, you can open the door for the new experiences coming your way.💙 @Faith Thank you. I will try and remember to read that again in the coming days. Back when I told you that I was kinda reminiscent and worrying, but then let go. Here this comes up again, and who knows, I am actually very sure it will hit me very hard a few days after fulling moving out. It will probably affect my service and I will be devastated. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faith Posted July 4, 2022 Share Posted July 4, 2022 @fopylo Your welcome! Loss is tough. 😘 Quote Mention You're a thought. Do you think a thought is going to occupy 'no thought'. The 'changeless' can be realized only when the ever-changing thought-flow stops. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fopylo Posted July 4, 2022 Author Share Posted July 4, 2022 I am a little less worried about missing what @Faith wrote by writing here too much. I'll just get back to it and it isn't gonna be too many days until then. I have just met a friend that is gonna serve with me part of the time, in the same path as me. We were discussing some topics, and also smoked a bit. He is a cool dude. We both have Asperger's and therefore can relate (this path has to do with it). The thing is that he talked sometimes a lot, but like not too much. It's just that overall I felt that my social battery is dying, and he seemed to still have the energy to talk. I felt drained (aversion in consistently trying to keep up with him when I didn't really feel like it). I am now home, recharging my battery. It was quite ok though. I don't know what emotion I was really experiencing when feeling drained, not that I know if there's really a way to figure this out... It was a little hard talking with him. No, not a little actually. I felt it was difficult for me to speak with him with clear wit and also to look at him. I won't lie, there was some discomfort, but it doesn't have to do with him. This is just how I felt. I have some things on my head that I need to do: Clear my vapes (and any traces that I don't want my family to notice while on the packing and moving), go get my gear and clothes, pack the things to take to the new apartment, get the haircut, and be prepared. I hope I'll be fine. I hope I'll find my people. I hope I'll grow and actualize myself more. I hope to grow as a human being. I really just hope to feel amazing, powerful and lucid. I want to keep it that way that I am expressing. I want to keep expressing, to keep reminding myself of being genuine without regard to judgements, to "just go crazy" as @Orb beautifully said. I want to just keep being the imperfection, to keep seeing. Yeah, this is powerful - to keep seeing. This openness to be whoever you are, whatever you are experiencing. To let it out. To keep the stream of warm water flushing and washing through me, cleaning me, purifying me, letting source empty the garbage. Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fopylo Posted July 4, 2022 Author Share Posted July 4, 2022 Times of being bored Times of not knowing what to do I need to stimulate myself in some way Ah! I found something that'll stimulate me, I shall masturbate to some porn I got it But here I am again hoping I stack myself with enough stimulation outlets, options Trying to fill the unjust to make it more pleasant by any means "But I want to do something!" "I need to somehow feel better!" There is no escaping the void It must eat Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fopylo Posted July 4, 2022 Author Share Posted July 4, 2022 Content = needs met, no need for anything. Needing is believing something needs to change in order to make this moment pleasant, which sounds like boredom (and pessimism) Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fopylo Posted July 4, 2022 Author Share Posted July 4, 2022 Man, like Joe Hisaishi's music is so beautiful that I can easily become sentimental and think about sad memories and the grief of letting things go. It starts off beautiful but then brings unwanted emotions, or more precisely, emotions that are reoccurring, as if the music is triggering these emotions Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faith Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 6 hours ago, fopylo said: I am a little less worried about missing what @Faith wrote by writing here too much. Huh? Quote Mention You're a thought. Do you think a thought is going to occupy 'no thought'. The 'changeless' can be realized only when the ever-changing thought-flow stops. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fopylo Posted July 5, 2022 Author Share Posted July 5, 2022 @Faith I was worried in the past about journaling here a lot because then it will be harder to find what you wrote to me about the moving out of my house, and perhaps I'll need to read it again in a few days when the time comes Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fopylo Posted July 5, 2022 Author Share Posted July 5, 2022 (edited) ---------------------------------------- It's fun being lighthearted, joking around, for it feels good and that's all that really matters. Humor is great, can jive well with beauty. Humor is expression, and can connect us more with who we really are. Exciting I am talking about joking around with Many and Orb about the dreamboard and boobs. It's even funnier writing this, as if they can't see this now - talking about this exact experience in a meta way haha. I have probably never felt that lighthearted in a thread before - using emojis, slang, and cultural jokes. It was more free. Kind of cool how there is the very sentimental side of me, seeing the beauty in the imagination, being in solitude and peak emotion. And there's also the side of me that's humorous, jiving, joking around and being free, childlike. The former is night, rooted in dusk. The latter is day, rooted in dawn. Feeling wise. The former is Yin. The latter is Yang. Edited July 5, 2022 by fopylo Quote Mention Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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