Journey of Being

[Faith]

4 minutes ago, fopylo said:

@Faith I was worried in the past about journaling here a lot because then it will be harder to find what you wrote to me about the moving out of my house, and perhaps I'll need to read it again in a few days when the time comes

Ohhhhhh😊, just look for the big meme! And it's above it by a post or two. I sometimes screen shot posts, recipes, Google pages that I want to reread easily. 

 

💙

[fopylo]

5 hours ago, fopylo said:

Content = needs met, no need for anything.

Needing is believing something needs to change in order to make this moment pleasant, which sounds like boredom (and pessimism)

Contentment is the relaxation of feeling that this moment is perfectly ok as it is. Wants might arise, but needs... not really

[fopylo]

Just got my head shaved like 3 hours ago. Took off all this long nice hair, all that half blond.

It feels like I need to play a role of being upset about it because it looks ugly or so, but honestly, I don't tell anyone really but I'm kinda happy to have got it already.

I may not look the best with such a haircut but I really don't think it looks that bad.

The hair doesn't pass through my fingers.

The reasons why I kinda like it (and why I was waiting to get it already):

• Feels more reliving, freeing, that I won't have my hair bother me in any way while exercising, which will greatly reduce this overthinking.
• I now don't need to play with my hair (I was obsessed with playing with my hair) and try to make it perfect.
• I anticipate to become a superhuman being, since for some reason people who go bald/ get rid of their hair somehow become very powerful. For some reason many of the masters on different things are bold people, they tend to be badasses.
• I feel that I can move my head around more easily without overthinking fixing my hair. More swift.
• It gives me the feeling of a Shaolin Monk, the drive to work harder. When you don't look all nice and neat... when you are a little messy, don't look the best, don't overthink how you look... there is a stronger drive to push harder, to push your limits, to strive for challenge. 

I'm gonna work out soon.

I might have in the future some issues about the hair that I lost. I have built a lot of value based on how I look like and my hair. I really did love the hair I had. It also made me stand out.

Now I'm like everyone else.

But like I said before it gives me the vibe of a superhuman, of a Shaolin Monk, and so I hope to see a transformation.

Imma work out soon

[Orb]

@fopylo Awesome!

 

Went through something similar a few months back, I had long jesus hair and the barber looked shocked when I told him I wanted to shave it all off. 

 

I dont regret it at all, I look more fresh and sharp, now I just gotta get my shit together life-wise lol.

 

3 minutes ago, fopylo said:

I anticipate to become a superhuman being, since for some reason people who go bald/ get rid of their hair somehow become very powerful. For some reason many of the masters on different things are bold people, they tend to be badasses.

 One Punch Man? 😉 

[fopylo]

@Orb One punch man, Phil, Leo, a Shaolin Monk, Joe Hisaishi 😌

 

Ain't gonna lie that Saitama came up first haha

[fopylo]

I am starting to feel the difference in having a shaved head than long hair. I feel my head is more volnerable. I'm worried that the resistance to this type of haircut will become greater, and that I'll want to go back to mid-long hair. This is how it's gonna be for the next 3 years. I hope my body (head) will adjust to it. I can literally feel the breeze so fricking well on my head. Can sense the air moving through the passage between my head and ear. I can feel my ears, in the first time so clearly, in a slight uncomfortable way. I feel the need to protect the heads temperature more since I don't have my hair to defend.

 

Yo. Holy shit! The hair is such a powerful defense. Think about it - from many aspects: softens hits to the head, protects head temperature, protects self esteem (if you think your hair looks great)

[fopylo]

Great, we've been packing quite a lot of our rooms (me and my brother) with the help of our aunt. It was kinda nice and chill with her. I am learning to get closer to her, as I myself am getting older, starting a new life phase. I'm more relaxed now, about the packing. Oh yeah, and also today I've got the stuff for the army (mostly clothes from a specific shop). Now I just need to wash the big bag since I've also emptied it out.

Wow, it feels like I've accomplished quite a lot, today... nah, not today.. Tonight! Tonight I've started packing my room. There is more to go though. I have like 1/3 of my room left to pack.

 

Excitement highway with bumps of melancholy.

 

Only things left for me are:

• Finish packing up the 1/3 of my room I have left, with the help of my aunt who will come at 13:00.
• Clean the big bag in the washing machine.

About the 'what other people think about me' category, what's left it:

• Since I have successfully moved all my vaping traces to one single small bag, at least it is not all over and more in control. First day of service Imma take this bag with me so that it won't stay in the house in the mingling of packing and moving stuff (I trust the situation there to be safe enough from my knowledge). I'm coming back on the same day, and the next day we're physically moving, and having the movers do their thing. From what my father told me, my presence isn't crucial, but it would make it easier, and told me that most of this time I can be outside outgoing. I will obviously be with my little bag then. And when the movers finally finish and the house is set, everything would go just as it used to - they wouldn't care to move/touch any of my belongings.
• On the same day that we're moving there's apparently a camp reunion meeting, and I half want to go to it, not too excited. The only exciting thing for me is to perhaps show off that I also got my head shaved and that I look more like a soldier and feel good about it. But I believe the times really clash with the moving to the new apartment. In that case I might as well go, but since I'll take my small bag with me it is a problem - I cannot take the chance of this bag being near anyone from the camp. The fear of them knowing is quite great.

Just talked a bit with my father, army stuff about things I need.

I am throwing lots of things here. Am I overwhelmed? I feel that I'm pushing discord a little bit. Do I even want to talk about?

It's time to stop and get back to now.

I am tired of doing all this word, but there's also adrenaline sometimes.

I'm gonna have me a beer. Yes, it is almost 3:00 am and I need to start waking the fuck early already you dumb piece of shit! Come on! Like today I woke up at 10:00 sleeping only 4.5 hours (went to sleep close to 5:30). Dammit. I think I'll go to sleep late. Also, it was a mistake to do all the packing with pajamas on. My brother was smart in that matter.

Aight Imma cut it from here I think. I'll come back with some more discord in the future probably 

[fopylo]

Eventually I went to sleep straight after. No beer, no vape.

[fopylo]

There is something unique about the morning, more like daytime. Songs like Summer by Joe Hisaishi hit very good in a beautiful spot, as well as nostalgic Super Mario Galaxy 2 music, those times.. oh.. of me and my brother waking up early on holiday mornings to play that game.

There is something very uplifting though about certain music at certain times, like the morning, like the Summer.

Perhaps it is that it is in the D major scale.

I have perfect pitch as well as associate colors to notes (each note has a color, thus chords are like art). G is color green, like the leaves, like the tress, always reminds me of nature, spring, morning. D is cyan, reminds me of the sky, is refreshing, contains some touch of pink (from the A in the chord).

Joe Hisaishi's piece Summer has chords D Bm G A, a typical great progression. Those are in general very morning chords for me, positive, happy, childlike chords, chords that bring close to the source (in daylight). At night you start adding the flats... Ab, Bb, Cm, Fm. Very cool sounding.

All white keys have an associated color, besides black keys, which make it interesting.

[fopylo]

C - yellow-orange (more like dark yellow)

D - cyan

E - orange-red

F - purple

G - green

A - pink-red

B - purple-blue

 

All black keys stay black.

All white key colors are the colors I mentioned as though coming from light (so there's this white in the middle, emitting the color) but that is a natural from playing while looking also at the white keys, trying to merge the perception with the thought. But in thought, in imagination, it is mainly the color I wrote.

[fopylo]

So apparently I'm slowly starting to hear that I actually look kinda good with this haircut.

20 hours ago, fopylo said:

Only things left for me are:

• Finish packing up the 1/3 of my room I have left, with the help of my aunt who will come at 13:00.
• Clean the big bag in the washing machine.

Apparently I had more to pack than I thought. I've been packing my room for the whole day with the help of my aunt. Very grueling. All that's left to pack is my desk and papers in my draws (most of them are old). Big bag has finished drying.

Tomorrow is the day that I start it, but it is an easy day, and even not really the start of the service. I only go there for my general integration into the system, becoming a soldier. I am anyways gonna take with me a light bag.

And also, I've become a little more relaxed about the packing. Apparently the movers are coming in two days, however the new people are moving in here 9 days later. It's only a matter of my father having the energy to do it after work in those 9 days, and it will only be at the evening, but I won't be there.

I am now going to start a new phase in my life. A change.

I will be expressing, for expression is the revelation of truth, clarity and equanimity.

However, I am not planning on going into details about the service itself, even in the general sense, for security, safety, and political reasons, which I believe you know.

[fopylo]

On top of that...

Today feels a little better... my room is more set up, pretty much almost everything (like clothes in the cupboards, lamp on desk, floor mopped, prepared for tomorrow).

When things are more set in place, then things are more set in place.

The thing that is right now bothering a little is still the aesthetics, but not to a great degree, just a little. My bed is in a position that the wall is to the right side (used to it being on the left), and the lamp is on the right side of the desk (used to it being on the left), also door being on the left of my desk (used to it being on the right, but not too much of a problem).

 

I have packed my stuff for tomorrow.

Oh boy... I am really starting the military service.

I am quite excited to meet the people again. The people are really nice.

 

This is a big change for me. This is a new world to me.

 

Before, my life was going to camp, coming back every second weekend, coming back home and spending time with friends.

Now, starting the military, shaved head, people similar to me, coming back to this new house and spending time with different people.

The change is in the home, surrounding, people, and setting.

There is a change of the way I live life, of my day to day life.

There is a change in the people I'll be in contact.

There is a change in my role in society.

This is literally a change of my world.

 

I have a strong feeling this will come with positive stuff as well. Already I can see how I can have a great time with those people; and also just realized the distance from my laptop and keyboard is small, so perhaps this movement came with something good - perhaps it will make my music production better.

I have came to a theory that perhaps this movement, this path in the army, those people... Probably God or whatever is making those things happen because these things will help me grow and become a better person, the person I want to be and the life I want to live.

Maybe it's a door for new strong friendships, for the start of music production (although probably not, because in 2 years we are moving to the duplex in front and it will be in the middle of my service, which from I come back home every like second week). Maybe living far from people is some sort of test, something to figure out, something that will make me stronger in the process of accepting it... God's plan I guess.

 

Tomorrow like I said, I am really starting the service, however - this is just the bootcamp, the training before the service. It can narrow between a few weeks to like half a year. Mine is only 6 weeks, coming back home every weekend.

Ugh... my father is paranoid about the food... oh no! just that the food won't be left outside for 3 MINUTES longer! damn...

 

Anyways, after those 6 weeks I won't be serving anymore with all this group of people on this path, a short time I know. Also I might start coming home once every two weeks. During those 6 weeks I'm coming home on the weekends, so I should be able to journal more conveniently.

 

I'll see how it goes. Hopefully I will journal as much as I can. I must put expression above - I must value it a high priority

[fopylo]

Ok I'm super tired and I'm gonna go to bed now.

I'll elaborate more on this week tomorrow. Today I just came home and tomorrow I need to attend something.

In dots:

• People like me
• more responsible
• I got to act more as myself, honestly, like above (more responsible)
• I positioned myself as somewhat as a leader - not something that I'm used to
• Again, I'm a funny person (someone in my squad says I'm the funniest guy he met)
• I think the squad leader kinda likes me
• I've been getting more respect here
• It's kinda tough

[fopylo]

So... For this week, the start of the bootcamp:

I didn't have a hard time being friends with people here. There are some who don't talk much, some who isolate themselves, but I'm cool with everyone. I actually got a comment from someone in my team saying I know everyone here, haha.

As a result of me kinda enjoying this whole discipline game, the adrenaline in such, and the fact that most of my team isn't very efficient - I feel the responsibility to gather them up, and also because I want to become more responsible and more of a leader. I am quite this group's leader, however, my view on leadership is changing as @Phil mentioned in the past:

As I was 'trying to be a leader' there were some changes in my approaches... trying to become a leader.. and trying to act as my higher self. Sometimes there is trying too much to be a leader (pushing, acting, discord) and sometimes there is just the call to act, which with deep inspection I realize how I dismiss/dismissed this voice in me for most of my life. It is really to be more myself, to be true. Act truthfully to what you are. No judgement. Feeling good/natural will never result in harm. Acting in truth to your intentions is a real high level of being yourself ime. In this position you get to control your experience. You are what you want to be in the moment. If you act truthfully, and in truth you want to take this responsibility - you are responsible; if in truth you feel the goodness of friendship and actually enjoy talking with them - you are friendly; if in truth you want to lead in this moment then you are a leader.

Responsible, friendly, leader... These are just thoughts of generalizations of actions, put simply into a category of a mesh of behaviors, an image. In actuality you aren't any of that, you just vibe with reality without thinking those thoughts about yourself. In actuality, if acting from truth, you are being what you already want to be, in this moment - the most desired Self in this moment, otherwise you wouldn't be acting the way you do.

All of that is nice and good, but I still have a self-image of wanting to become a leader.

 

I am quite serious in my platoon. I am hoping that this environment will be potential for me to actualize myself as the true leader I know I am. Being all those years the funny guy... Just shows how much I've averted from feeling.. and how much more aspects of my true nature I've avoided.

I found my plan, although it was quite natural for me to do so. I've befriended the most charismatic person. He is such a leader, more like a commander, such an ENTJ lol. He is acting a bit tough with us as though he is our leader.

 

Anger turned to kindness 🌸

 

I decided to get close to him, and give him ideas about how we can make our platoon more efficient. He was the mouth, but I was giving him some brain.

 

There is what's call "right power" (don't know how you say it in English), that the most right person is responsible in welcoming the commanders (and officers). This person is also responsible for collecting all the squads' reports for after the break when we line back up, after welcoming the commander/officer (our platoon consists of 4 squads, each squad lead by a commander. Platoon lead by officer).

 

I am serious, I care for the efficiency of our team, I am liked by my commander (well this is more of a speculation because they have to play this serious role, but she gave me the honor of being the first in the platoon to welcome someone important, and later she also complemented me, as she did on some other few occasions), I am liked by most of my platoon because I'm friendly, I am responsible, I care for efficiency. - This brings me into a great social position. The 'leader' of our platoon even defended me by saying that it was a collective decision to put me in the position of "Right power" (because some childish guy decided to push in and take my place. We were running out of time, and so I decided to let go of this position for the sake of our platoon being efficient on time. After that I was defended for something stupid).

 

The same person from my squad that joked saying I know everyone also complemented me saying I'm the funniest guy he ever met (I believe I said that before). He also said that I am responsible and charismatic. I was quite emotional for me to hear that, only between me and myself... I was really surprised to hear it. It felt.. real? This was the first time ANYONE said I am charismatic, and responsible. This was shocking, yet I probably needed to hear it in order to give myself the feedback that this truth of mine can be accepted.

 

Anyways, it's kinda tough with times. This is how bootcamp always is. Limited time for eating, for shower, going early to bed, bad sleep, early morning, always need to be on time, on time, on time, on time. I'm happy to have a break now, and see how my real life outside the military is going

[Phil]

@fopylo

I just skimmed through but it sounds like you’re doing pretty damn good. Proud of ya. Hope’s it’s ok to say that. And welcome to the shaved head club! Now you can do cool stuff like run cold water on the back of your head right from the faucet when it’s hot out! 🫡

🤍 

[fopylo]

@Phil Not meditating though😉

Learning by expressing here. Not even thinking about emotions. Just realizing the difference of expression from the intrinsic pull to feel better vs getting stuck on a point you believe to be true to be right.

 

Last night I had such a weird dream. Didn't journal it on my dream journal though. It had to do with a cool real life game I created, a dangerous game about competition, survival, and being determined to pass this big test built of many challenges, like the HxH exam, the Chuunin exams... for anime watchers.

But I also had an insight when I was on light stage of sleep, almost half awake, and that is that all of our truth is rooted in Source. We are born from Source. The source is the storage of (in this moment) your highest desires, the most authentic self, living truthfully, acting in a truthful manner to yourself, to the source. The source is the place from which heaven is born

[Phil]

@fopylo

Sounds fantastic to me, and great to hear!

[fopylo]

 

[fopylo]

Omg just thinking about that short period of time.. I'm really gonna miss all my platoon..😔

I couldn't have asked for greater people to be with!!!

Those people are people for life.. I swear those autistic people..!!! Amazing! (I am also autistic, thus in this program so please don't cancel me. We actually joke around calling each other autistic. It is funny, connecting, and in some way breaking the image of the autistic guy haha - all out of love).

 

Man we aren't even half way through (but close to that, 3 weeks left out of 5).

I feel joyful being with them, even though it's hard some times.

But what I do feel is that it has so far been the best environment I've ever been in that has allowed me to express myself the truest. I am tapping into more authentic leadership and responsibility, as well as being funny and cute (some kid/s say that).

 

I hope we keep in touch after that program, which is actually our bootcamp, which is the only time we'll be getting the experience of toughness and discipline, shared toughness and discipline... And with those people!

Later on when starting the service it will be more like a regular job than training like warriors.

[fopylo]

Improvisation of today