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Thought I'd start it, checking this shit out. Perhaps it might be easier to express here than on a physical notebook with a physical pen writing down. Since I know there might be people viewing this, people whom I admire and people that can guide, I might feel more confident to express more truthfully, without too much thought clouding my expression. From my experience I have noticed myself to be more expressive, elaborate and honest when posting things on the forum than what I am when journaling privately in my notebook. Journaling in my notebook doesn't always feel real, in the sense that I might be trying to be 'more honest' (kinda pushing it, which isn't really honest actually) and also no accountability. There is something cool about the fact that someone might comment here, which gives my expressions a feeling like they're real (in the sense that it isn't just lost in my notebook) and so I can value them enough to give a good and true expression.

However, if it is personal info and/or involving other people then I won't be detailing too much and probably won't say the name, or for such matters I could journal privately.

Will see how this goes

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A few hours ago this guy Ernie (not real name) wrote in the camp's boys' whatsapp group "Listen up autistic people" (we were talking about a time when we could all meet and what we'll do). He came up with some idea. So Ernie is kind of the "leader" of this group, although I personally don't like him, and won't be surprised if others also don't really like him (he tends to curse, not giving a shit about what people think of him, trying to assert dominance in a calm assertive manor). He is like the 100% dominant, 100% straight, sadistic person. He can sometimes be a bit of a bully but not in a harsh way (but could sometimes be enough to offend/humiliate a bit).

Anyways, he kind of triggered me, being someone who although isn't suffering bad autism, I am still on the spectrum, high functioning ASD. He sometimes even calls others "homo" and such, not thinking too much about it (he isn't a stupid person though. He is smart and tall, just for the image). Unfortunately for him most of the boys here have there own 'quirk', which is kind of amazing to me. We've got someone on the spectrum (me), 2 bisexuals, a lite religious person, someone who's sexuality isn't clear and a hippy.

But yeah, anyway, I replied to his comment with "Listen up you hOMo" (over here the Arsim, the street bullies, don't exactly know how you call it, they tend to use this 'curse' as someone being gay, but say it in a dumb way), to kind of make him realize and associate unintelligence with him haha. Then he wrote back "You shut up".

Look, I do not respect at all this type of behaviour. I'm not his fucking bitch. If he decides to talk like that then I had enough of him. He continued to the main topic without much dwelling, which I can understand from his point of view, probably just joking/messing around and getting back to topic.

But yeah... I can't see how I can be friends with someone closed-minded as him. He is the leader type that I don't want to be. He is going to be an officer in the military and he enjoys telling people what to do. Compassion, empathy and connection aren't words that I'd associate with him.

In general, over time I've built some resentment towards him that every time the topic of him comes to my mind I feel fear, hate and revenge. He likes to be in control, and I don't like that. The plan is to meet this Friday at the beach and stay overnight. I don't know if I really want to go. 

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Seems like another late night, again. I just can't help but binge watch this anime. It is so interesting, funny, and leaving me with a cliffhanger each time. Beautiful series, but then again, I go to bed at like 5:00-5:30 and wake up afternoon... I MUST fix this. I cannot let it be like that for longer really. In like a week I'll be facing a schedule that will require me to wake up early and most likely go to bed earlier. My day is quite opposite. Slowly but slowly, I guess.. paced up though. My goal is not to wake up after noon. Hopefully I manage to wake up at 12:00. 13:00 would be stretching it but not disappointing.

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So the good news is that I did set my alarm to 12:00, but then with my strategy I kept snoozing in differences of 10 minutes and eventually got up a bit after 13:00, which is ok. It was hard to get out of bed after like 6 hours of sleep for no need, but I see the greater purpose of it. After getting organized and everything I wrote on my dream journal the dream I had. I must say I find it very amusing how much dreams are believable. Dude, like I had a dream that a certain video game was releasing the 3rd, 4th, and 5th chapters and cost 1000 dollars together. The second I woke up I quickly checked on my phone if those chapters came out, and how much they are expected to cost. Guess it was a dream after all lmao 😂

There isn't much food options at the house, and had to have cereal, which makes me more tired afterwards. I played the organ a little (a soundtrack from the same video game in my dream).

For today I plan on:

  • Working out (finished an 8 week program and I'm missing exercise now).
  • Floss my teeth (has been too long since I've done it already).
  • Clip my nails.
  • Buy a new vape pen (my current pen is almost finished, I can feel it).

Waking up too late for breakfast, a little early for lunch - kinda fucks up my meals 🤷‍♂️.

Buying the vape pen will be done after lunch. Also, probably tomorrow or in 2 days I'll need to throw away my vape juices from my suitcase (and anything else I don't want people to somehow find) in order to erase any traces that my parents might find out since we are packing stuff to move out.

Also hoping my friend Spiloh (not real name) will initiate to meet with me since he finished his camp and a few times we talked about the fact that he should let me know when he can meet because there is only a window of like 3 days between the time he comes back from camp and him flying overseas... I will assume he doesn't care much about it, even though we talked about meeting and I want to let him put some effort, otherwise I'll let go until he shows up... Even though he would probably be happy to meet, and maybe doesn't like initiating or is overthinking it or whatnot.

Hmm... I'll see already what I'll make of the day. Honestly it feels like those days that anything could happen to change the course of the entire day. I wonder what it is... I am excited.

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, fopylo said:

Also hoping my friend Spiloh (not real name) will initiate to meet with me since he finished his camp and a few times we talked about the fact that he should let me know when he can meet because there is only a window of like 3 days between the time he comes back from camp and him flying overseas... I will assume he doesn't care much about it, even though we talked about meeting and I want to let him put some effort, otherwise I'll let go until he shows up... Even though he would probably be happy to meet, and maybe doesn't like initiating or is overthinking it or whatnot.

Ok so apparently they finished their camp today on the 28.6 and will probably return in like a few hours or so. I thought they are coming back on the 26.6 as he told me but apparently there was confusion. So I should forget about the assumptions I just made. I feel more relaxed knowing this isn't probably the case, however I still want to see what will happen, if he'll say anything. I hope he will 

Edited by fopylo
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Ok so I have already clipped my nails and already bought the new vape pen. I'll brush my teeth early tonight. About the workout - I just didn't feel it man. I really promised myself to workout today but didn't like the idea of putting pressure on myself, also didn't feel so energized for it, still a little weak. I think it has to do with the food I've been eating lately - not eating much because there's no food in the house and so I munch on something here and there just for the hunger to go away, for survival, been like that for a long time already.

I believe the surprise I encountered today was that I was playing the piano. I learned this soundtrack from this video game, practiced 2 classical pieces, enjoying it. This was probably the highlight of the day. I really love expressing myself on the piano. I find myself articulating the music in a very beautiful way when I'm in the flow and adding my own taste to it, with confidence.

I threw away all my unused/empty vape pens (besides the one that is reusable which cost a lot + the current one that is finishing + the one I just bought). The one I bought isn't that impressive tbh. You can switch the flavors from Lemon to Watermelon, but they kind of mix into each other. Doesn't matter. I'm kinda bored. I don't know really what to do now. I won't put pressure on myself to do something. If I have already gone through the day and I don't have what to do, perhaps this is the good feeling I am wanting, and being content with it is the release.

 

Actually I've just realized there was an insight I had today, or yesterday before sleep: Shit... I don't remember it so well.. Something about emotion being the only real thing right now, and all pointers and thoughts are just apparent, in the realm of this emotion right now. Behind everything, every desire, every thought - is the desire to feel good, to feel relief, connection, but not as concepts, not as what you think these words mean, but as actually expressing what already is, which is that.

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Posted (edited)

Just physically journaled -

..... Hey, it's between myself and I - I can expose unwanted feelings without judgement. There are really no 'bad' emotions. It's all about relief and clarity right now, right? Isn't that what Being is?

I am not chasing a better state of feeling, a 'high level' emotion, right?

The best feeling I can ever experience in this moment (which is really the all-time best, in this moment's perspective - and forever) is the clarity and relief of this emotion/experience.

Judgement of the experience, thoughts, emotions... held as true, conceals expression for the sake of protecting the person you believe yourself to be - the one who is progressing towards higher emotions, the one who is sane and reasonable, the one who is maybe a little weird but not too much as to be a cool interesting person, being correct.

But judgement doesn't always appear. Sometimes, like now - it doesn't even exist, I don't know what it is now. Expressing is better, because there are no levels in expression. The only 'level' could perhaps be how real you are in your expression, how genuine you are, the clarity within this moment. This sudden 'disconnectedness' that might pull me out of expressing and into suppressing and believing, is to quickly 'catch up' on who I believe myself to be and quickly build this image ever more closer to my conscious awareness. But yeah, anyways, this doesn't feel so good - all this talk about my self image, all the more causing loops and discord from experience.

 

Here's the key to finding what is sincere: It's only between me and myself, so it is ok.

It is ok to feel worried. It is ok to feel powerless (only we know about it). It is ok to feel fear (as long as we know it, only myself and I). It is ok to blame. It is ok to not know what to do, and ok to do nothing. It is more than welcomed to feel enthusiastic and passionate about something (we know it feels amazing). All emotions feel amazing, rather, the clarity, but it feels good to feel more, to be more open.

Edited by fopylo
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Posted (edited)

Oh Ho Ho Ho!

Not to try to be stuck in this Joy, ay?

It is about the clarity and openness of what I'm experiencing now, no matter what. This thought won't last forever - 'being in joy'

 

It is not the time to be assessing emotions. Just simply exposing myself, clearing out what I'm really experiencing. Emotions might change, in the realm of thought - but feeling remains the same, exposing myself can be constant

Edited by fopylo
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Thoughts want to arise... Let them arise with no judgement. It is a signal of its alignment for this moment, sincere. Death, horror, the devil, skeletons, dark - listening to a metal song. Judgement can arise. This is a change from the other music I listened, but it is still beautiful and brings up memories. If it resonates and begs to be shown, then it is meant to be. Ideas focused on trying to preserve, maintain, unchanging can result in being 'stuck'. If it's clear - good:

 

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Ok nah for real, I must go to bed already. I promised myself that I'll floss my teeth and also I must take a shower. It is now past 4:00 am and I need to start getting a hold of myself. For real. Shame, why did it come to be like that. Some tase of the vape in my mouth, my body is sticky, my room is a mess, what's wrong with me seriously? I am not that tired. Why do I feel pessimistic all of a sudden, out of nowhere? What the fuck? Being in a good mood makes it easier to say all those wonderful wise stuff I said above, which is harder to see now. I might be contradicting myself, somehow, perhaps in my ideas. Ughh...

Keep the pessimism between myself and I, our secret hiding safe place, where you can freely feel that way. This is the journaling - this 'space'.

 

Nah but for real, I must get going now and I will need to use some force and pressure with myself now. I am already in the midst of being disappointed with the way things turned out to be already. Reluctantly, I'll leave, and tidy this, organize this shit already. Soon I'm moving to a different house. Soon I'm moving to the next phase of my life. I must start getting serious. I am soon gonna be bound to change my approach and behavior, more forcefully. Goddamit I don't even know what to say.

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Ok so I slept only like 4 hours in practice of waking up earlier, hopefully next morning waking up very early (I want to wake up at like 4:00 one of these days).

I am tired and don't feel the best, most energized, but it is an investment sort of.

I was thinking a little about what it means to express, and it hits me sometimes especially when I think it is time to journal, to go out of my own way to the notebook and then I start expressing. I'm starting to think that expression is always something that can only be now.

 

I was listening to Lacrimosa:

... And I believe there was that small flame of desire of wanting to compose something myself, but like always, I just quickly throw this idea to the bin, unconsciously, automatically already. Reminds me of a quote I just read yesterday:

 

"Studies tell us that creative people are far more likely to record interesting ideas in a notebook; spend time nursing and cultivating them; put energy into exploring where they might lead. They value the productions of their mind.

Persons with low self-esteem tend to discount the productions of their mind. It is not that they never get worthwhile ideas. But they do not value them, do not treat them as potentially important, often do not even remember them very long - rarely follow through with them."

 

The above is on the topic of creativity.

He says they tend to listen to and trust their inner signals more than the average person.

 

It doesn't seem like me. I am not really following all the way through with the productions of my mind. I cut it short quickly, and even a little worried of producing a very genius idea because it would be a tragedy throwing it to the bin...

I feel like I want to compose, to create great music... But then I feel like not doing it... Split within. I am not following through with the desire, not allowing it. I don't know where I stand in relation to the desire.

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Posted (edited)

Trenmothy 3:15

 

One will not become fitter in a day or even a week.

Rather it take consistency, if gainz is what thee seeks.

Wear thy hard work proudly as it's the total of the valleys and peaks.

But become not vain of thy own reflection,

nor fall into disdain of achieving perfection.

Edited by fopylo
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Gymlations 9:5

 

On days thou feel sluggish and burnt out

Remember the reasons why thou has started working out

 

'Mire at how far thee has cometh

And the many lessons thou has learned.

And everything thee has gained thus far

has been well earned.

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Corenthians 4:5

 

Working out thy core

should not feel like

a tedious chore.

 

For although it is 'mired by many who seek aesthetic abs,

it carries over to stability and bracing more athletics,

which are must haves.

 

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